Take a Bow

3rd period Earth science teacher  John Tavares had his jersey retired by the Oshawa Generals last night.

Does this marshmallow cloud have seat belts? Otherwise all the kittens are going to fall off.

It used to be there was nothing better than John’s humble awkwardness (which lives on, of course):

t3

At least you can’t see my bowl cut.

Now we also get this:

gennys5

Plaid suit, because John takes notes.

Apparently John did summer training with Ralph Lauren.  While he wasn’t doing squats, he must have been tying windsors and choosing lapel cuts because yes.  100%.  This suit is so good, I assume PK Subban picked it out.

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Can Crosby go to this camp? (Photo credit: @ GoodallMedia)

In 223 games over four seasons with the Generals, John scored 183 goals and a total of 453 points. 453 points?! He had a 72 goal season in ’06-07. This back the day when footwork and skating were openly discussed problems in John’s game, which he worked on relentlessly until, well, you can watch him now.

gennys4

Vintage.

I will openly discuss that I don’t need more good teams in the League. I have enough Metropolitan Division problems and the Penguins have Islander problems even when no one else does. But please, someone field John a team that is deeper than one line and figure out how to keep it together. I want to see more prom-style award acceptance photos.

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This guy.  (Photo credit: @ GoodallMedia)

The Islanders season kicks of October 10 in Carolina.  Could this be JT’s year?

ho-sang

#agreed

Could Be Dangerous

I AM GETTING EXCITED!  Like Jesse Spano-on-pills excited.  Less than two weeks until hockey starts and I should warn you:  I may go this entire season using only gifs from Sherlock. I am laaaaaaaaaaate to this fandom but it really explains Life, the Universe, and Everything.  (Double Martin Freeman nerd-reference there, for anyone still with me.)

When hockey comes back in October, demanding all our time:

whatlife

How I feel about 99% of social media in-season:

thank_you_for_input_sherlock

And the rest of the media:

umm_no_sherlock

Friends who don’t follow hockey but still try to read this blog:

watson scary

When Cosmo does a list of hottest players:

moriarty grimace

When someone writes a bullshit “Girls Guide to Hockey”-type article:

john laptop

Movember:

sherlock mustache

When Crosby hasn’t scored in five minutes and everyone’s freaking out:

sherlock relax

When Sid scores on the next shift:

sherlock kiss

Watching Blackhawks TV and a coworker passes your desk:

sherlock laptop

Distinct kicking motion?

sherlock painting

When someone cool announces they are a Flyers fan:

sherlock no

Except Giroux, damn it:

mary likes him

Twitter rumors:

wrong

James Neal pre-game:

sherlock ruffle

Me on a James Neal Good Day:

molly2

Me on a James Neal Bad Day:

molly3

When friends ask why they haven’t seen you since October:

moriarty ordinary

Trying to watch Western Conference games:

sherloc tired

John Tavares post-game:

sherlock scarf

Trade deadline:

sherlock sad

When your team gives up a late goal:

sherlock couch

When your team wins:

moriarty

When your team loses:

john not okay

When Mr. Pants tells me to calm down because it’s just a game:

sherlock murder

When you swear you’re never watching hockey again:

mary after work

Chuck and I, everyday:

shserlock sheet

I could go on – and I will, promise.  I may expand into other Benedict Cumberbatch and/or Martin Freeman projects and I reserve the right to claim anything produced by the BBC as fair game.  But mostly Sherlock.  Watch it now (while you have time) and I promise this will all be much funnier to you later.

Dear Life…

Dear Life,

It  will be a year, almost to the day the 2014-15 NHL season starts, since my job scenario changed and I have been increasingly overwhelmed at work.  We’re way past busy, and have visited manic on the way to meltdown.  Recently.  (See: this past Monday.)

pretzels

It’s either carbs or crime.

I don’t remember where I found the time to watch hockey last season, let along blog about it, but that’s the clear reason why I bailed on the playoffs the minute my team was out.  Summer was no better: if it happened since May and didn’t involve an ice bucket, I probably missed it.

lucy

When someone comes into my office at lunch.

Well, that’s over.  I’m giving you two weeks to clean out your office.  Transfer your responsibilities elsewhere, Life, because on October 8, hockey is in charge.

beyonce

Do the Scissor Leg.

Priorities will change.  I can’t just catch highlights or read the all-text, when-will-you-learn-we-need-photos NHL news posts.  It’s not enough to see Tumblr memes and injury selfies on Instagram.  One night off and I could be swept away by HTP (Hockey Twitter Panic) like Dorothy in a tornado.

hogwarts panic

Neville, you are no help!

Any day now, Crosby’s going to test his tiny pockets again.  Steven Stamkos will prove his unbrokeness by leaping a tall building in a single bound.  Who will document these things?  John Tavares doesn’t just wake up and forgo pleated khakis for nothing, you know.  If a healthy scratch wears a plaid in the press box and no one posts it, does it still make a sound?

mirrors

We are weeks (at best, months) away from the season’s first misogynistic story suggesting 10 moronic questions girls can ask their would-be boyfriends while pretending to care about hockey.  Who will lambast these writers?  Or worse, who will let these girls go through with such an insulting and terrible plan?  Cosmopolitan will do a hatchet list of Hockey’s Hottest Players, compiled from Wikipedia searches and MySpace profile photos.  We cannot sit idly by while such offenses go unpunished.

supernatural

Sometimes you have to.

There are Fridays to Foxy.  Mike Green could do something that calls for a Monday.  Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin might dress as each other for Halloween.  James Neal could hold his shit together in Nashville.  Orange might be Michael Del Zotto’s color.  Jonathan Toews could be wearing those wakeboarding Spanx under any outfit at any time.  I could run into Matt Niskanenen at lunch!  The Puppy Bowl Oilers may even win a few games and WUYS must be ready.

lizlemon

Next stop: Verizon Center!

So, Life, the clock is ticking.  Two weeks from now, I am going back to hockey and fun and my friends.  And nachos.  You’re going to have to figure out how to work around us.

Love,
Pants

the_rock_clap_clap_gif

(Co-signed by my life coach.)

Birthday Boy: John Tavares

Is everyone excited?  Training camp has begun, the season is nearly upon us and it’s time to party like John Tavares.

jt

TWO scoops of ice cream.  Go crazy.

John turns 35 today… kidding, he’s 24.  Yes, in human years.  This clearly demonstrates why the Prime Minister of Canada only has to be 18, while President of the United States must be 35.  We just don’t make ‘em like John down here.

Chris Kunitz, John Tavares, Sidney Crosby

Sid looks jealous.

Way back in March 2012, we featured John as Foxy Friday.  We dig the ‘hot middle school science teacher’ vibe, and let’s be honest – we need someone to file our taxes. Since then, we’ve spent many a post discussing tucked-in shirts, how nervous John gets when interviewed by a woman and that time he was selected Islanders Captain and said “heck” in his speech.

jtspeech

This is me being cool.

John is the perfect blend of awkward and awesome, of boy-next-door and we-grew-up-in-the-wrong-town.  If we ever go back to school, we’ll just print this blog out and hand it in as our senior thesis on John’s choice of pants.

jtpants

Before.

He’d appreciate our use of the Scientific Method.

jtjeans

After.

Editor’s note to self for next blog: it’s tough to search posts about “pants” when you call yourself “Pants.”  But all talk of pants is good.

jtface

How you doin’?

Since being hurt in Sochi last year, John missed the end of a very promising season.  We can’t wait for him to come back in all his dorky glory, hair sticking out the top of his helmet, and give Crosby a run for the Hart.

jtvail

That’s right, I said it.

May this be the season when Googling “John Tavares gif”:

jtcoach

This guy.

Gives you only John and no other hockey players.

hallsycoach

What about me?

Because he’s worth it.

jtcoach2

Beat it, it’s MY birthday!

So Happy Birthday, John Tavares and happy almost-hockey season to us!

jtsmile

We can’t keep a straight face either.

Mikey Monday

Remember when every Monday was about Mike Green?  Two-plus years of Mondays and that whole time, nothing this great ever happened:

mike

Their socks, you guys.

I don’t know where this came from, but I saw it in five places and decided that equals public domain.  They are so damned cute, I don’t think they’d care!  Everything is making me happy right now: Mr. Pants & I bought a house yesterday, Mike Green is both married and actually smiling, everyone’s a grown up and this season  is going to be fantastic.  Bring on the hockey.

Happy Monday.

Love, Optimism

Boom. Clap.

This.  This happened and someone took a photo and the Canadian economy skyrocketed because who wouldn’t pay money to see this?

snapchat

Bless Snapchat.

We weren’t in the right place at the right time (never are!), but that doesn’t stop us from guessing that John and Sid were talking about in this hallway:

- Belts

- “Are your trousers slim cut? ” “No, all my pants fit this way.”

- Is John’s taking fashion tips from the oddly disheveled Trivago commercial guy?

- “Did you see that WWII/digging of the Panama Canal/how to build a Greek trireme special on History Channel?”  (Kidding, you know they watch Ancient Aliens.)

- How right-handed John does anything with his watch on his right wrist.

- Still belts.

- If you don’t recognize John without his full name, report to WUYS for detention.

- “I wonder what Pants will say when she sees this photo?”

giphy2

“And if I don’t get what I want…”

- If Sid really had been arrested, would this have been his mugshot?

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Noted criminal Sidney Crosby

- In addition to teaching science, John is in charge of the middle school Thanksgiving play. What does Sid think of these Pilgrim shoes?

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It bugs him not to stand right on the X.

- Was shirtless beer pong discussed at this meeting?

tavares

“So I invited said her friend could join us…”

- In his tenure as the Dork King, John has ever looked as dorky as this?

crosby

First day of school

Is this the tightest shirt Crosby owns, or if there are more?

crosby4

Made of Kevlar.

Why the Isles don’t have a PR person who takes pictures like this?  (Do they want one?  I might know somebody.)

crosby3

This life, so hard.

No, really.  Pens PR Snapchatted this when the day was over.  Someone give this woman a raise, lands and title, crown, etc.

crosby6

I’d get fired for taking this picture.

- Did this made John nervous?  More or less nervous than when we watch him at warmups?

tavares2

That hair out of place at the back though.

This is going to be the best season, I can feel it.  Then next summer, Sid & John will take their blossoming bromance on tour like Jay-Z and Justin Timberlake, discussing  sound investment strategies and fancy stats in a city near you.

Man, I really need it to be October already.

Vote Early, Vote Often

D Magazine has undertaken the arduous task of determining The 10 most Eligible Men in Dallas.  There are 5 candidates per week, 5 weeks of voting and in the end, 10 winners.

Or really just nine guys and Jamie Benn.

benn1

Photos by D Magazine

This magnificent example of democracy in action has inspired us to campaign on Jamie’s behalf.  So far our efforts include this blog post and reminding you of Jamie’s ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video.

benn2

See what a haircut can do?

We have to give Tyler Seguin a lot of credit for raising Jamie’s profile – but not too much.  Jamie’s like Seguin-lite, the version you could take home to mom without praying she’s never heard of a Google image search.

benn3

Male jewelry, because we’re liberal.

He’s smart too, and clearly knows his way around a PR pitch: his favorite movie is The Sandlot, he wants four kids, he would have been a firefighter.  After that, you hardly need us to remind you to #VoteJamie here.

benn4

#DMostEligible

Vanilla Ice

With no warning, as I strolled through Whole Foods, I saw this on my phone:

toews

Cat got your caption?

You better believe I thought I’d shuffled off this mortal coil, right there in front of the bulk lentils.  I wondered how, in the distant future, when my husband met me in the afterlife I would explain that picture of Jonathan Toews that had done me in all those decades ago.

Alas, this is real.  Congratulations to us – no way we earned it, but we accept.

 

My thoughts, in order, as the Jonathan Toews ALS Ice Bucket Challenge video came into my life:

ShutupohmyGod.
This is because of that time I said Kane had become more attractive, isn’t it?

toews2

All

I didn’t mean that.
Really, it was crazy talk.

toews3

about

What kind of shorts are those?
Is he just surfing now?  How long can momentum last?  Oh the boat’s slowing down. This should be a science program.

toews4

that

Jon use to be boring and serious.  Now look.  Can we expect this from John Tavares in the future and exactly when will this occur because the calibrations on my time machine must be exact.
He’s got tan lines for these shorts.  He’s been wearing them all summer.

toews6

bass

I wish this were in hi-res.  Probably better it’s not though.  I’m barely over Benedict Cumberbatch’s “Ice Bucket in the Shower” video.
Am I still in the supermarket?  All these people are looking at me.  It’s only been 45 seconds.  They must think I’m comparing all these beans.

toews7

’bout that base

Is it over?  Don’t be over.
No, you keep the bucket.

toews9

no

One last shot.  The Blackhawks were right with Jon’s contract: he’s a 10.5

toews10

treble.

Wow.  I finally figured out what to tell my husband when we meet at the Pearly Gates. Remember when Rant Sports ranked 15 Pro Athletes Who Would Steal Your Girlfriend in a Heartbeat?

Toews is #1.  Told ya so.

Reminder: If you can, please donate to ALS research at www.alsa.org.  This campaign has raised a huge amount of money, but it’s important to remember that it’s not just about wakeboarding and hot pants.  Real people are benefiting from all this attention.

 

#CAMP Day 3 – XS T-Shirts and Man Buns

In all honesty, this year’s #CAMP montages have left us a little MEH. We’re not saying we don’t like them – we just don’t love them.

Day 3′s video would have been another mediocre offering but was salvaged by two things: impossibly tight super hero t-shirts and Michael Del Zotto’s samurai ponytail.

CAMP-Day3-tight shirts

CAMP-Day3-DelZotto ponytail

MDZ’s hair has always been fantastic and his new man bun is kinda working for me. In case you didn’t know, man buns are cool now.

A thousand blessings the BioSteel Sports intern whose job it was to run to the nearest Target and buy up every superhero shirt in the boys’ back to school section.

Size XS

CAMP-Day3-seguin superman shirt

I laugh at you, Tensile Fabric Strength.

I know not everyone is a fan of Tyler Seguin or his sleeve tattoos, but I leave you with this photo (and my new phone wallpaper) to help you change your mind.

from www.twitter.com/biosteelsports

This shirt is holding on for dear life…and so am I.

#CAMP Day 2 – Snack Time

At this time of the year, with the NHL season tantalizingly close, we are in desperate need of something to satiate our hockey hunger.  Normally, we are good with a cheese platter, a few bottle of wine, and Miracle on the DVR.

But lately we’ve been so hungry that we are getting HANGRY.

Enter BioSteel’s #CAMP.

 

This year’s menu has not totally satisfied us, but Day 2 of Camp has given us some snacks that have been particularly tasty, like…

The Slow-Motion Walking Snack

CAMP-Day2-Slowmotion walk

The Arm Candy

CAMP-Day2-cstewtattoo

Booty Biscuits

CAMP-Day2-Booty

Goals so yummy like chicken nuggets. Especially Josh Ho Sang’s. That one was all kinds of saucy. #DangHoSang

CAMP-Day2-Goals

The delight confection that is Cabbie Richards. (Seguin’s derp face makes this photo exceptionally saccharin.)

CAMP-Day2-cabbie

Michael Del Zotto. He is just cold and thirsty.  If only he could figure out how to get the lid off…

CAMP-Day2-delzottoseguin

We’re hoping Day 3 makes a run to the 7-11 for some more delicious treats.

Namely the shirtless and sweaty kind.

Return to #Camp

It’s time again for Camp Biosteel!  Always summer’s last hurrah, Camp Biosteel seems quickly followed by training camp, pre-season games and that first time since May our jeans leave the drawer.  Per usual, Camp features a million ways to make us feel like a bump on a log this Tuesday morning:

 

Hockey!
Cross-training!
Tyler Seguin slow-motion water bottle squeeze!

camp1

Wearing a shirt makes him thirsty.

This year’s captains are Tyler, Michael Del ‘I Am Employed’ Zotto, Wayne Simmonds and Michael Cammalleri, who has been 35 years old for eight seasons.  Seriously, someone look into that.

camp3

In Hollywood years, I’m 27.

These videos always make working out look really fun, like elementary school Field Day plus sleeve tattoos and social media.  It makes you want to pursue education and get a real job, like this:

camp2

Overlooking MDZ’s ponytail in the name of science.

#CAMP is also your chance to pay attention to some up-and-comers and prospects.  You can see the draft, full team rosters and more photos here: TSN Bar Down.

Editors’ note: Was there something on that page below this?

camp4

NopeNopeFlyersNope.

Notable absences include Steven Stamkos, who is reportedly nursing an injury that kept him off the ice at last week’s Barrie Colts event, James Neal and Intern Jeff Skinner, who is making copies in the other room.

Without those guys, I don’t know that I can call Camp Biosteel my favorite part of the summer.  Obviously there are pluses (and biceps), including Biosteel’s enthusiastic use of social media and the fact their beverage probably helps with hangovers.  The main competitor, Andy O’Brien’s Travelling Circus, is not likely to post video or take us out drinking.

fla

dumbledore

But it continues to bring Crosby, MacKinnon, Duchene and Tavares to a town near you.  Next stop: Vail.

hug1

Bring it in.

Bro-hug gifs from TSN’s BarDown as well – I cannot stop laughing.

No, all the way.

No, all the way.

Tough to compete with that roster, but we’ll take a lot more Camp Biosteel videos for research purposes.  And biceps (while we can still like MDZ).

More Ice Time

For all the athletes participating, it’s no surprise the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge was covered on American SportsCenter this weekend.  What’s surprising is they included the Crosby video – almost the entire thing – even before they showed LeBron or Justin Timberlake!  Finally, it’s The World According to Pants.

So naturally, it was time James Neal did the challenge.  He’s a proud member of Team Tank Top – or, if you shop at Old Navy, Team “Tami” because that thing is so long I can’t tell where the shirt ends and his shorts start.

(I can’t help noticing this dock was dry when Melanie did the challenge.  Which probably means James made her go first. )

How does one dress to match a sleeve tattoo?  The answer: you don’t.  Of course James is wearing a hat – you knew he wasn’t going to give us anything that good.  And it’s not like any of his teammates went shirtless… oh wait.  James plays for the Predators now.

Rich Clune Ice Bucket Challenge

clune

I always wondered what “apple bottom jeans” meant.

Neal’s going to have to stop up his game if he wants to get noticed in Nashville.  At least he doesn’t have to compete with soccer players:

(Thanks to Alison, our top futbol correspondent.)

PK Subban went for the hockey version of this look: jockstrap over the shorts.  The NHL’s Best Dressed Man strikes again.  It seems unfair that he, in turn, nominated the Worst Dressed: Phil Kessel.  We can only hope Phil has spent his summer reading our blog posts about John Tavares’ pants.

 

Meanwhile, Gary Roberts wants all these pretty boys to know he could kick their asses, make a kale smoothie, check his email and DVR American Ninja Warrior before they even got up off the floor.

 

I feel like Robs can see the bacon, egg & cheese I’m eating right now.  Bye internet.

Foxy (Almost) Friday: Ice Bucket Challenge

We really miss hockey, but it’s safe to say this off-season is going down in history.  Best ever?  Well, it’s not the worst and I’m not waiting for Friday.

The Ice Bucket Challenge began in July in support of ALS research.  Read more about it here and hire Frates & Quinn for more marketing campaigns.  The movement has raised over $4 million, up nearly +$3 million over this period last year.  Everyone is doing it:  Justin Timberlake, Matt Lauer, even Chuck did it!  Now we joke around, but this is a great cause, funding important research.  If you’re able to donate, please visit www.alsa.org.

And if you’re going to start a trend, please let it involve most of the NHL in what amounts to a wet t-shirt contest.  (So you know – this took forever to compile.  I watched hours of videos.  It was grueling but I’m willing to work hard for you guys.)

crosby

Me: “No.  No way.  No way!”

Crosby Ice Bucket Challenge video. I first saw an Ice Bucket Challenge video on 8/7, when 87 accepted the dare on his birthday.  I wondered for a moment it was real, or if I’d woken up in a fanfic - A Connecticut Yankee in Sidney Crosby’s Driveway, maybe.

crosby

Now who needs a cold shower?

Since then, everywhere you look an NHL player is taking the plunge.  So here you have them, the very Best of the Ice Bucket Challenge videos.

The “This Looks Familiar”

Matt Duchene Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Does Sid’s video have two blue buckets, a shovel and a black SUV in the background?  Eagle-eyed Alison noticed this is the same spot.  Just two dudes, pouring water on themselves and videotaping it for the internet.

Matt could have at least brushed his hair for Sid’s party.

bortz

Matt woke up 4 minutes ago.

Bonus points to Matt for nominating country singer Thomas Rhett, one of my favorites (who was also nominated by Justin Moore – the singer, not my husband).

The Intern Project

We said Tavares should wear a tighter shirt – so we know Intern Jeff Skinner still reads this blog.  This t-shirt is left over from Jeff’s high school days, since we haven’t paid him for a day of work since then.  And white?!  What a flirt.  Remember when he didn’t want girls paying attention?

 

Team Tank Top

Lindsay informs me that ‘dude tank tops’ are very much the style in Canada.  I assume everyone there looks like an NHL player and so this has my full support.

Steven Stamkos Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Careful using your dog to up the ante here, Stammer.  You’re no slouch but he’s pretty freaking cute.

Let me tuck my chain into my tank top first.

Let me tuck my chain into my tank top first.

Taylor Hall Ice Bucket Challenge video.  #TeamHallsy starts his video off so seriously, you’d think he spent the summer doing Shakespeare in the Park.  It’s deceptively tall-seeming thespian work.

The world is mine oyster, Which I, with stick, shall open.

The world is mine oyster,
Which I, with stick, shall open.

Jordan Eberle Ice Bucket Challenge video. Uncceptable resolution for #TeamEbs.  He’s got to keep up with Taylor!  Zach Boychuck, get a new phone right this instant.  Adorable hair-fixing though, since Jordan knows we are watching.

 

Especially after this is Zack Boychuck’s video.  How is that fair?  His biceps are theatrically lit by the sun itself, giver of all life!

 

Also sporting the Official Boy Band Uniform is, of course, #TeamSchultzy.  Did they have a conference call about what to wear?  Or does matchy-matchiness come as naturally to them?

 

The “Dallas Stars Really Want to Be Your Favorite Team” 

Tyler Seguin never met a shirt he couldn’t take off.  Or something he couldn’t hit on.  I swear he just invited a charitable cause and a bucket of water back to his place, and don’t stop rolling that tape.

 

Jamie Benn’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Jamie would like to take this opportunity to remind you his hair is DEVASTATING and that he’s skinny now.  (Too skinny?  A little?)  Never mind that tattoo of a graveyard on his bicep – they needed a place to bury me anyway.

benn

Benn-d and Snap

In case you don’t love Jamie, he Tweeted the “Girl in a Country Song” video.  This is everything that’s right with the world.

Also from the Stars, Rich Peverly apparently runs a daycare in the summer - and stuns them momentarily quiet with this challenge.  They are pretty sure their moms have said not to throw stuff.

The Other Birthday Boy

It’s a shame I’ll never see #TeamSam again, because I cannot add any more teams to my list nor can I stay up late enough to watch the Coyotes.  Sam Gagner did the Ice Bucket Challenge on his birthday, complete with a cake, a beard AND a white shirt. Presents for everyone.

 

The NSFMyLife

John Tavares Ice Bucket Challenge video.  There’s b-roll of John then his shirt off and jumping in the pool right?  That’ll be the deleted scene on the DVD?

tavares

Is this going to be on the test?

What I really can’t handle is his deep, teacher-y voice.  If he started talking about the Large Hadron Collider, I’d faint.

That Time Gabe Wore a Shirt

Gabriel Landeskog’s Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Perhaps the quaint, old-world and presumably Swedish setting calls for a top, but frankly we’re a bit disappointed in Gabe’s efforts to carry the shirtless-boat-selfie banner this summer. He gets named captain and suddenly it’s all business and no instructional pancake videos.

landy

The US judges give this a 6.

He’s 21,  You Guys – I Swear

And that was not me at the end with the extra bucket of water.  Promise.

 

Guys Chuck Likes

The Bruins should hire Chuck to shoot their videos, because their Ice Bucket Challenges are astonishingly low-res.  Remember why you don’t watch hockey in standard def anymore?  Even dearest Patrice couldn’t get good production values:

 

Lucic is in focus – if that’s a good thing.  He looks like the unpopular kid at Camp Anawanna.  Stand up straight, man!

 

Kim Bauer Did It

Oh yeah, and her husband too.  The Phaneufs Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Alison loves these guys.  I just feel bad that 24 made Elisha get scared by a mountain lion and abducted by a loner in a bunker in the woods around LA.  Jack Bauer would disown that mess.

phaneuf

I think we’d all be friend with Elisha in real life.

The “Of Course Patrick Kane Has a Water Slide”

He probably has a slide from every single window of the house into that pool.  (This was a life plan action item for me and Gator.  Awaiting our invitations, Kaner.)  Toews is so much fun these days, where’s his bucket?

 

Coach Q is My Favorite Coach

Many coaches, front office staff and even mascots have gotten in on the Challenge, but Coach Q’s laugh is the best.

 

My Goalie is a Banana

What can I say?  I trust this man with my GAA.  They even gave the baby a bucket, in case she wanted to party.  Marc Andre Fleury Ice Bucket Challenge video

fleury

Just wait till you start dating, Baby Flower.  Dad is ready.

Which is Better than Mr. Potato Head

Oh Jordan, we miss you around the Penguins.

 

The Hot Dads

“Hey, if I’m doing this, we’re all doing it.  Then we’re going for ice cream.”

Chris Kunitz Ice Bucket Challenge video.  From the man who dressed as a sock monkey, of course.  Mrs. Kunitz challenged Paul Martin – thanks, girl.  (Paul Martin Ice Bucket Challenge video)

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Little Miss Kunitz says she’ll just donate cash.

Pascal Dupuis Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Dear Universe, Please make the Dupuis Family into a TV show.  They’ve already created the poster:

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No idea Duper had a half-sleeve, or that I’d like it so much.

Craig Adams Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Craig used a garbage can for his ice bucket and the family wore matching gubernatorial campaign shirts.  Just saying, that’s a Harvard man.  (The shirts are in honor of Anne’s father, former MA Governor Paul Cellucci, who died of ALS in 2013.  Thanks to Chuck and Anne for update.)

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Vote early, vote often.

The Overachievers

Keith Yandle (who actually has a face under that beard) went pretty big – three buckets vs. white t-shirt.  His best move was calling out BizNasty, of course.  Talk about bigger.

 

You know Biz loves it when we say “bigger.”  He challenged some big names too, though we bet no one does it in their skivvies.  Read about Biz getting his friends to donate their time and money to put this together here.  And notice that TMZ covered a hockey player.

The Suits

Max Talbot Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Max is responsible now.  He has a wife and a baby and if he wants to pour ice water over his head in a suit and tie he will, damn it!  He’s like Frank the Tank, you can’t reign him in.

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Business in the front, party in the shoes.

Robert Bortuzzo Ice Bucket Challenge video.  Borts, what is that tie?!  Is the inflatable duck to distract from the tie?  It’s not working.  Also the shades on the duck + the white button down – this is going Risky Business later, isn’t it?  We’re going to need the extended edition Blu-ray combo pack.

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This yard wants to party, Project X-style.

Almost everyone’s done the Ice Bucket Challenge.  I couldn’t include or even get close to watching them all.  Notable exceptions are Gingeroux, newly married Mike Green (yeah right, on that hair?) and James Neal.  I worry this means Nealmobile really had no friends, because no one has challenged him.  Though he is on this pretty definitive list of players who’ve supposedly participated (here).  Did I miss his video somewhere?

While we wait, check out the Tumblr dedicated to the Ice Bucket Challenge.

Long Hot Summer

Five minute post! I’m on computer-free vacaaaaaaaaaation for a week, but I could not leave without giving you this.

There’s a game I like to play with Lindsay and Alison. I call it:

Inner/Outer monologue or Tomorrow’s Blog Post?

In today’s episode: my reaction to watching this video.

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FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, WEAR A TIGHTER SHIRT, JOHN!  And in Islanders colors, of course.  He’s like an Ice Girl.  I had to pause and rewind so many times it wouldn’t let me stop the video again.  

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Then I got to Intern Jeff and had a fit of hysterical, boy band-induced laughter. The video promises someone named Matt Bollard, who Alison pointed out looks a lot like David Clarkson.

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I may be certifiably insane.  I checked my work email on the way out the door and saw the biggest, hugest, horriblest project that came through for my coworkers to do while I’m gone.  Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.  Then give me John Tavares in sweat-wicking Lycra and Crosby with a tan.  

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Nate keeps going faster so he can almost brush Sid’s arm.  WE ARE ON TO YOU, KID. WE INVENTED THAT MOVE.

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Sweet mercy, a child who is shorter than the caution tape barricade.  My ovaries just collapsed like a souffle.

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Please explain something: how do these people keep their hands to themselves?  Is caution tape all it takes to keep Canadians in line?  They’d have to put me in a cage and I’d still get out, with limited power of speech and no pants on, like Planet of the Apes.

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John has barely been seen all summer, the suddenly THIS. He went away a few months and came back remodeled like Extreme John Makeover. And riding in the back with the bags, natch. Could it be that Crosby is getting edged out of his Matt Duchene bromance by John? Could Matt be any more like, well, me?

Clearly our work as John’s publicists/wardrobe consultant is getting results. If you’re going to wear jeans and long sleeves in summer, let it be this:

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Can we win an award for this? Is that award a go at Phil Kessel’s closet?

Remember, started from the bottom belted khakis:

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Now we here:

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John looks so good that Matt isn’t sure how to stand next to him. We aren’t sure how to make it to October! And of course, we don’t want John to get too cool and stop saying “darn” or anything. Just stick with us and these jeans, kid.

BHC2014: Just Dance

Every summer, the Blackhawks rub our faces in their excellence and team spirit by hosting yet another Blackhawks Convention.  Sometimes they bring the Cup for extra envy-inducing purposes, but not even the Hawks can win that thing every year.  So how do they make sure everyone gets their money’s worth?

Dancing.

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Toews/Kane Dance Off 2014 [video]

It’s safe to say the Jonathan Toews Personality Deployment Project has been a rousing success.  He dances, people!  Imagine if your captain got up on stage and did an almost-moonwalk with a grand finale of gun-fingers?

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Shooter McGavin.

(If you’re a Lightning fan, this is easy.  Stamkos would bust out a perfect Step Up dance routine [circa Channing Tatum, of course], complete with his shirt either open or off.  For the rest of us, well… maybe “hands in pockets” will become to new dance craze.)

At least Sid caved to the selfie pressure first.

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Pretty good for a rookie.

There were myriad other highlights of the BHC2014, not the least of which was Brad Richards sitting alongside the dancing like that really uncomfortable lady with the rowdy friends in the front row at Thunder From Down Under, judging the distance between herself and the nearest emergency exit.  He’s thinking, “Remember that time I made $12 million a season and did’t dance?  Not for $2 million, new friends.”

What kind of place is this?

There’s a cap on this empty bottle, isn’t there?

While we didn’t attend BHC2014, I think we’re ready to make a bold statement based on thirty minutes of Tumblr research: this is the summer that Patrick Kane officially became more attractive than Jonathan Toews.

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Say that again, into this mircophone.

Am I wrong?  Since Kaner started cleaning up his act (not too much, please) and keeping his hair under control, not to mention wearing the heck out of a golf shirt, Toews has been running to catch up.  Oh he’s fun now!  Jokes about his grumpiness, couples Halloween costumes: Jon has really made an effort.  There are matching contracts, his-and-his Conn Smythe trophies, but is it too little too late?  Watch the dance video again.  When it comes to the inevitable Zoolander-style Walk Off, who is your money on?

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What did she say? All I hear is that cash register sound.

Meanwhile, can we get said walk-off confirmed for next year’s BHC agenda?  And when do tickets go on sale?

Hey, Big Spender.

GAH. Chuck keeps posting pictures of Westlife from a hundred years ago and now the Oilers are back and my boyband meter is off the charts.  Intern Jeff Skinner might get sent to Krispy Kreme to pickup lunch.

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Guys, hold me back.

This week is the 3rd Annual Jordan Eberle & Friends golf tournament for the Hospitals of Regina Foundation.  The event included a fundraising dinner called the Centre Ice Classic last night, featuring, as promised, Ebs & friends:

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Bachelorette casting call, right this way.

Someone finally took our bachelor auction idea and put it to work – sort of.  People bid on spots to golf with celebrities, like #TeamHallsy:

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There’s a pic of Gagner in this shirt, I swear.  

He went for $10,000?!  Does it guarantee he wears this chambray shirt? That’s $9,372.94 US dollars - @amandalitty and @jfrancesw might need some donations to reach that mark. We should do a Kickstarter campaign, yes?  Hell, this freaking guy raised $44,022 to make freaking salad!  We’d have enough left over to get something nicer better I’m kidding more expensive…

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Just saying, that’s 50% more.  Those are expensive jeans.

Too bad this interview was before the auction, because I imagine the conversation would have been much more exciting after.

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“Amanda and Jess just left me up there like….” while RNH gloats.

I don’t see where golfing with Ebs went for $44,023 USD, but I assume it happened because he’s got at least $1 more fair market value than potato salad.  I believe the auctioned golf happens today, so perhaps more pictures tomorrow.  Not that they could be cuter than this:

Since you’ll never get over that picture, or the hope #TeamBoyband will break into a choreographed dance routine involving folding chairs, remember this: with #TeamSam traded to every team in the League, Jordan Eberle is now the longest-serving Oiler in games played [link].  Feel old?  That’s what boybands do to a girl.

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Completely gratuitous unrelated amazing photo. (source)

Now get to saving your money for next year.  Get a side job, rob a bank, we don’t care.  Save Hallsy!  Don’t make him give Amanda this look for spending all her money on nail polish when he put on that nice shirt and everything.

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Enter this contest here, so #TeamHallsy feels loved.

As always, this post is tagged PUPPIES.  Because truth.

Surgery for Sid

Last night around midnight, just before I turned into a pumpkin, Twitter was all ablaze with the news that Crosby will have arthroscopic surgery on his right wrist this summer.  While he claimed to be in perfect health throughout his much-maligned playoff performance, it appears that was somewhat untrue.

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No, really.  You’re kidding.

Well, duh.  No one is 100% in the post-season.  He wasn’t going around blaming his play on his wrist or anything else, so bravo to Sid.  Only don’t clap until after surgery.

According to the stories, Sid was unavailable for comment.  This all came from “a source close to the star.”  Well, we found that source:

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Future Hot Dad

That baby knows everything, including that her life as probably peaked WAY TO SOON and that we might be a *little* jealous.  100% of the Crosby awkwardness we adore is on display here, including the fact that he will never ever say no to someone who asks for a photo.

There’s also a chance “wrist surgery” is just code for “no more selfies,” since Sid kinda let this one phobia get away from him.  That’s why you just stick to your crazy, Crosby, because there is no going back.

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Right about there.

I had arthroscopic surgery on my knee back in high school and it’s nearly bionic now – much stronger than my un-repaired knee.  It’s almost a shame to know Sid won’t spend his recovery time having any fun…

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Be honest. You’d go to this party.

But if there’s anything we can help with, just call.

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Where was this job when we were choosing college majors?

We’ll be right over.

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Oh, we know where to sit.

Happy Birthday, Chuck!

To celebrate the occasion of Chuck’s birthday, let’s go back to that time Tyler Seguin didn’t wear a shirt under his jersey, on the day he knew he’d be taking said jersey of in front of the whole arena and handing it to someone.

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Some gifts (and gifs) just keep on giving.  Happy Birthday, Chuck!

(Thanks to everyone who sent us these gifs. This edit is by glovehand.tumblr.com.)

He Went Where?

Whew!  That a day that was.  It felt like the every NHL player got dumped into a bingo spinner and names were plucked at near-random.  Toss in a few hours of top-stress soccer and Tuesday never wore me out so much.

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Me at 3 PM daily.

The carnage is far from complete, but look who made a new life plan today:

Matt Niskanen and Brooks Orpik

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No one can see us in these jerseys.

To the Capitals!  Hello friends!  Pittsburgh Penguins East, reporting for duty.  The Caps certainly rolled out the welcome paychecks, going $40.25 million/7 years for Nisky and $27.5 million/5 years for Brooks.  Where does that leave $6 million Mike Green?  New coach Barry Trotz says he hasn’t written Mike off – and who knows. Some help back there could be just what Mike needs.  Either way, I got to keep my Turtle and the Caps sold at least one new shirtzee.

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He also stands by the road and waves as people drive into DC.

Thomas Vanek

Minnesotans sure love Minnesota, and the Wild love them right back.  Thomas Vanek, who went to school and now lives in MN, joins natives Zach Parise and Ryan Suter, albeit for waaaaay less money.  Less money, in fact, than other teams were offering Vanek (to stay on Long Island).  He took 3 years/$19.5 million to play home games where he really makes his home.  Once again, the Islanders get the shaft.

Like the boy holding onto his balloons in Up.

Matt Moulson

Speaking of ex-Islanders, Matt Moulson was traded to the Sabres last fall.  The Sabres traded him to the Wild in March.  Today he went back… to Buffalo.  To the worst team in the League last season.  That is some serious faith in the rebuilding process and some serious cash at $25 million/5 years.

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I’ve been laughing at this photo since yesterday.

The mission to rescue John Tavares is now a go.  We’re coming for you, hon.

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“When you came in here, didn’t you have a plan for getting out?” – Princess Leia

Jarome Iginla

The Avs are gearing up for some kind of Survivor spin off featuring old guys vs. young guys.  They’re loaded with Landeskog, Duchene and MacKinnon, who in case you’ve forgotten scored 157% of Colorado’s playoff goals last season.  They’ve added Danny Briere and yesterday plussed up again with Jarome Iginla.  Iggy gets 3 years, $16 million.  We have much love for Iginla – heck, he’s played for all our teams now.

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Could still score on Roy.

Both Briere and Iginla played against Avs coach Patrick Roy when he was still in the League. I hope someone welcomes them at training camp with a video of any goals they scored on Roy.

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My response to everything on UFA Day.

Paul Stastny

Eliminated from the Avs’ new game show was Paul Stastny, but he got a big, shiny welcome from his new St. Louis Blues: 4 years, $28 million.  At $6.5 million next season, that is $108,000+ for each of the 60 points Stastny scored this year.  I need to talk to my boss about a raise.  Who do you think gets to keep this shirt?

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Orange is the new Avs.

Ryan Miller

In recent years, the Canucks goaltending has been like running through a new level of Super Mario Bros. every night.  Jump on the same toadstool, hit the same brick and surprise!  Who knows that will fall out.  Perhaps that is finally over.  Resident starting goalie Eddie Lack wasted no time making friends… and getting trolled by former VAN goalie Roberto Luongo.

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Just don’t look at the punctuation.

Miller gets 3 years/$18 million, so let’s hope he picks up the check.

Brad Richards

Sad Brad no more?  After being bought out by the Rangers in June, to the tune of a slot machine raining $20 million into a bucket because of his original contract, Richards signed a one-year, $2 million contract with the Blackhawks today.  Ho-ly crap.  New York fans hated Brad because a) they could and b) he was really and truly awful.  He must be thrilled to shed them, while dragging a sack full of their money, and head for Chicago.

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#partyhard

We figure most guys would play alongside Toews and Kane for free anyway.  NYR fans are still glad to be rid of Brad, and thinking maybe the lockout’s one silver lining was that compliance buyout.

Upside for us: High likelihood of repeat beard performance.

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Gingerbeard dreams.

There are so many more.  Brian Boyle went to the Lightning, so the Rangers can just give his old jerseys to newly acquired Dan Boyle.  Jussi Jokinen, Shawn Thornton, Dave Bolland and anyone else they could fit on the plane went to Florida.  Tanner Glass went to the Rangers, while Deryk Engelland and Jonas Hiller joined the Flames.  Here’s the full list.  It will only get longer tomorrow.

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Yeah, these salary cap numbers don’t add up.

 

Before Today

Before anything major can happen today (we should have about 10 minutes, or unit Jason Spezza is official), let’s talk about what has already happened to our lives.

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I  was out Friday night/most of Saturday with no phone.  I apologize to those who texted and Tweeted , only to assume I’d retreated with a gallon of ice cream into a padded room over:

James Neal

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UGH. Sad Pants.  In the movies, the jackass, all-skill and no-brains quarterback gets the chance to redeem himself.  I’ve long held out hope James Neal would be that guy.  You all know my love/hate, ‘get your shit together’/’do all that with your hair perfectly styled’ feelings for Neal.  Suffice to say that I thought he was getting there.  I always thought he was getting there, which is why his digressions made me so mad.  Now he’ll get there – I still believe that – with another team.  Should the Pens have waited?  Maybe.  40 goals is a lot to see leave.  But I’m not surprised.  In the end, maybe this trade gave Neal what the Penguins tried to give him for three years: a lesson in growing up, accompanied by a swift kick in the ass.

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In return, the Pens got Patric Hornqvist and Nick Spaling.  Hornqvist once scored 30 goals, and nearly every one from right in front of the net [brilliant chart].  Unless I was watching a different Penguins team, this was never Neal’s main job.  He scored from everywhere, did so often, and was a danger any time he stepped onto the ice.  Grumpy Pants is not getting happier here.  Spaling, according to The Tennessean, can “do everything.”  Like have a career-high 13-goal season, one time.  Sure these guys have qualities the Pens want, “grit” being chief among them per new GM Jim Rutherford.   I’ve never watched either of them play.  But this seems to put more onus on Crosby-Kunitz-Dupuis (oh God, welcome back) to carry the Penguins scoring – and when they don’t deliver, burn down the world!  For all the people who said “Kunitz is only Kunitz because of Crosby,” no one ever said “Neal is only Neal because of Malkin.”  Geno can’t turn Hornqvist into a 40-goal guy.  Let’s hope Hornqvist is ready to do that himself.

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Don’t worry, I’m not going to stop watching or talking about James, or hoping he gets this right.  You don’t have to find someone in Nashville.  Maybe those folks will find us.

Michael Del Zotto

The Predators will not re-sign MDZ and today he becomes a UFA.  This is a tragic loss of potential bromance with Neal.  Hair product stock prices dropped.  Nashville girls pouted and cranked up their sad country songs.  Oh wait, that was me.

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Danny Briere

To Colorado!  When I see news like this on TV in a bar with no sound while the people around me are talking about pizza, it’s hard to react appropriately.  After a hundred years as a Flyer and one as a Canadien, during which he and the team much maligned each other over playing time and performance, Danny Briere will join the Avalanche’s wild young potential.  Will he play more there?  No.  But I’ll watch them more.  The Habs get PA Parenteau and a 5th round pick in return.

Philadelphia Flyers v Montreal Canadiens

Ryan Kesler

When Kesler ended up on the trading block, he reportedly limited his destination options to the Ducks or Hawks.  Must be a nice world where you can make those kinds of demands.  After a flurry of panic-inducing Patrick Sharp trade rumors, Kes went to the Ducks.  The Canucks got Nick Bonino, Luca Sbisa and a first round pick and a later pick they swapped for Derek Dorsett.  Is that a fair deal to send a guy like Kesler to a division rival?  If you believe the Vancouver optimists, Ryan’s 30th birthday at the end of August basically signals the death of his career anyway.

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It’s always a good sign when you Google Image search someone and it suggests you ad “abs” to your results.  If nothing else, Ryan will look good on that So Cal beach.

Sam Gagner

Oh Sam.  The Oilers broke up the band by trading #TeamSam to Tampa Bay for Teddy Purcell, in a deal that Lindsay somehow made happen with her mind.  Five minutes (okay, maybe forty minutes) later, Sam was bounced again to the Phoenix Arizona Coyotes in exchange for BJ Crombeen.  The guy got two Foxy Fridays, then he got traded twice in two hours.  Sorry if that’s our fault, somehow.  One hilarious fan made a Tampa Bay “Thanks Sam” tribute video.  Sam, well, it’s time to admit that I’ll probably never see you again.  Nothing against the Coyotes – it’s not you, it’s me.  And at least it wasn’t #TeamEbs. (Sorrrrrrry.)

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More, more, more to come all day.  No one is safe.  I’ll be watching like this:

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Waiting for the moment when Matt Niskanen signs somewhere else…

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