What's Up, Ya Sieve

As much as I like intensely battled hockey games, it’s nice to get a big win once in a while.  It’s nice to take a 3-1 playoff series lead.

Last night’s Pens/Sens game significantly reduced my risk of a heart attack.

Malkin said Neal was ready to bust out of his scoring slump [link], and it appears Geno knows a thing or two about hockey and his linemates.  Not only did Nealmobile have 2 goals last night, but so did Iginla.  There were so many hugs.

And toe drags.

There were post-game interviews.

Iginla/Crosby/Neal

And the NHL Network Cisco Arena Cam, the most awkward “where am I looking?” interview in sports.

Interview video here.

There was also the Gingerbeard, looking more ginger and more mysterious than any mysteriously ginger beard before it.

Seriously, why is it this color on Canadian TV:

And this color on American TV?

It’s ginger either way, but Canada’s RGB – I mean the color model but this could also stand for Ridiculously Gingerbeard – is turned waaaaaaay up for TV.  America’s appears to be more subdued, in any lighting.  Are our neighbors to the north manipulating TV to make ginger beards appear more ginger?

CANADA, YOU’RE DOING IT RIGHT.

Defensively, last night was pretty shaky, but not since Game 1 vs. NYI have the Pens looked so confident and composed on offense.  When asked if the Senators could come back, captain Daniel Alfredsson said:

“Probably not,” he said, “Their depth and power play right now, it doesn’t look too good [for us].” – CBC.ca

Call me crazy but I’m not counting anyone out.  I am, however, counting on these Penguins to show up Friday night to put this series away.  Mr. Pants’ birthday is this weekend and we’re going to a bluegrass festival Sunday, when Game 6 would be.  No one wants to hear me screaming for goals over the sound of a banjo and some spoons.

If you want something in life, it’s best just to ask for it.

Today, I’m asking for a lot: BE SMARTER.

In case you missed the late night (Eastern time) Twitter riot , the LA Kings gave control of their account to KROQ radio host Kevin Ryder for the second period of Game 4 vs. the Sharks.  He did this:

Image from CBSSports.com

And because nothing is funnier than a rape joke, the Kings then had to do this:

I’m curious what you think.  Do you care?  Is a tasteless joke excusable or is an organization responsible for what they put forth, regardless of author?  We’re all desensitized to a certain amount of ingrained sexism and misogyny, especially in sports.  Where is the line?

Before turning over the keyboard, the Kings said:

How true?

Honestly, I’m all out of passes for people doing stupid things on social media.  We’ve already discussed how the trend-setting and extremely popular Kings Twitter account operates under the “Usually We’re Funny and Sometimes We’re Jerks” mandate [link].  We also talked about Asshole Day, celebrated by Duncan Keith and Tyler Seguin with various sexist/homophobic/moronic remarks [link].  My inner publicist dies a little when this happens.

I don’t want everything sanitized and I want these team accounts to have personalities and have fun.  Sometimes they will push boundaries.  But sometimes they will jump off the edge.  This is a failure on the part of whoever runs that ship to keep their sailors from going overboard.

Also, being upset that people are upset by something you said to upset them? No.  You worry about you, dude.  Be smarter.

On the ice, the Sharks were busy winning.  They’ve come back from 2-0 down to tie the series.  Maybe the Kings won’t have worry about their Twitter account for much longer this season.

If last night’s Bruins/Rangers game was a movie, it would be called “There Will Be Blood”.

Lumber was a-flying and the team trainers were going through cotton gauze like Taylor Swift goes through boyfriends.

Patrice Bergeron, Zdeno Chara, and Carl Hagelin were just some of the players that needed zippers to close up gashes. Tyler Seguin got clubbed in the face trying to split the Rangers D.

And even with a blood stained sweater and egg above his eye, the Professor is still absolute perfection.

Bruins took a decisive 3-0 series lead on the Rangers last night with a 2-1 victory at Madison Square Garden.  Lundqvist was stellar in net and showed us all why he’s nominated yet again for the Vezina Trophy.

While Lundqvist was great, the Bruins’ 4th line was better.  Shawn Thornton, Gregory Campbell, and Danny Paille were by far the best line for either team.  I double dog dare you to name a more productive and skilled 4th line in the entire NHL.

Merlot Line.  Drink it up. Tastes so smooth.

The advantage of having a 4th line like the Bruins, is that most teams don’t have an answer for them.  They simply don’t have the personnel to get the  match-up needed to neutralize the speed of Paille, the physicality of Thornton, or the shot of Campbell.  The Merlot Line has accounted for five of the team’s six points (1 G, 4 A, 6 SOG).

Last night, Paille scored what might be the most fluky, improbably goal in the Playoffs.  The puck bounced off Lundqvist’s mask, fluttered down to the goal line, then bounced forward, AWAY from the net.  Paille was then able to put it in.  Everyone was all “WTF just happened?!”

Other game notes….

Teen Wolf Tyler Seguin is still looking for his first goal of the playoffs…but it is most certainly not for a lack of trying. He’s been shifted to the 3rd line but don’t think for a minute that this is a demotion.  Playing with Peverley and Kelly has seemed to open up his game and allowed him to get some quality scoring opportunities.  But he has got to be frustrated.

Young Guns on Defense – The Bruins’ young defensemen Torey Krug & Matt Bartkowski have had a great series so far.  Krug has scored 2 goals in 3 games.  What he might lack in size, he more than makes up for in skill.

Soft hands, people.

Jagr’s Beard.

What is this thing?  At first, I thought that it was shaved in the middle, like some weird mutton chop thing you might find on an extra in Game of Thrones.  But then it realized that it is just gray.

You know, the more I look at it, the more I love it.  It is bizarre, but when you are one of the greatest players in the game and on your way to the Hall of Fame, you can do whatever the hell you want.

Bruins can close out the series with a win tomorrow, sweeping the series and securing a spot in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Should that happen Thursday, I would not want to be anyone in that Rangers’ locker room.

Just when there’s no time for any blogging today, the Hawks put Viktor Stalberg back into the lineup.  And I find time to send you this:

Here’s the story from NHL.com.  The Hawks were the Hawks in Game 1, winning 4-1 over Detroit.  Then a Freaky Friday (though it was Saturday) body-switching catastrophe happened and the Wings were suddenly the Hawks in Game 2.

Game 3 tonight.  Recently benched Stalberg and Handzus will play.  Why were they benched?  Coach Q’s mustache said it was to make room for Dave Bolland [story] but apparently told Viktor it was performance-related.  Once again proving the NHL is not a beauty pageant, no matter what this blog looks like.

Speaking of which, Jonathan Toews still has NO playoffs goals which you know is making him Captain Crazy.  Let’s hope Chicago’s back to form tonight, despite the radiant perfection of the Zetterbeard.  They have some radiant perfection of their own we’d like to see smiling.

The power of Foxy Friday is surprising.  Players have an eerie tendency to over-perform immediately after being featured – and it’s not always a good thing for us.  When NYI’s Matt Martin pretty much ruined my life in Game 2 vs. the Penguins, I promised not to foxify anyone from an opposing team for the rest of the playoffs.  These are dangerous times.

I wanted to feature a player who’s still playing hockey, since we have to get through the whole summer with guys playing golf.  How to do that without cursing myself tonight?  How about one of each?

Ottawa – Eric Gryba

Suspended two games in Round 1 for an earth-shattering hit that seemed clean to us, Eric Gryba is Chuck’s kinda guy.  With that beard, he could be Rick Nash’s stunt double.  He left Tuesday’s game with an ‘upper body injury’ after a big hit from Pens’ Brooks Orpik, and will not play tonight.  Get well, Eric! (Just not well enough to score goals, or stop them, you know… that’s my disclaimer.)

Pittsburgh – Matt Niskanen

If you never looked past James Neal in the Penguins/Stars trade, you may have ignored Nisky back there on the blue line.  Being adorable.  Having “Norman” for a middle name.  Talking like he’s from Minnesota with a shot of Texas.  Maybe you saw him fighting Kyle Okposo in Round 1.  Stupid brawl, but foxy black eye.  Go ahead and score all the points you want. (@alisonsykora approves this message.)

New York - Derick Brassard

Rhonda suggested Derick for Foxy Friday and got a really huge NO from me, but I’ll include him here.  Who does he look like to you?  It’s not Logan Lerman.  Someone on Glee?  I feel like Derick is going to break into a cover song at any moment.  I thought he was a rookie, but it turns out he was just playing in Columbus for 5 years.  Maybe I’ll just call him Foxy Trade Bonus.

Boston – Daniel Paille

Chuck hopes the Foxy Friday luck rubs off on Pie, since he hasn’t scored in a bit.  I think Paille looks much better without his heard.  It’s the whole strong-jawed, Bryce Harper thing.  But he can keep growing it as long as Chuck gets to keep watching her Bs – and he keeps hugging people this enthusiastically.

Los Angeles – Jarret Stoll

Jarret Stoll got hit by Raffi Torres in Game 1 of this series.  Torres got suspended (shocker) and Stoll missed Game 2 last night.  I don’t really get swoony over Stoll – are there any blond celebs he hasn’t dated? – but I like Erin Andrews a lot.  If he’s good enough for her, he’s good enough for Foxy Friday.  Here’s hoping he’s back in the Kings’ lineup soon.

San Jose – Joe Pavelski

Featured in this week’s BeardWatch2013 for his perfect 1:1 hair-to-beard ratio, Little Joe is one of my favorite Sharks.  Also the Sharks’ TV commercials were a highlight of living in the Bay Area for three years.  Enjoy Joe Pavelski – Lousy Detective, Joe Pavelski’s “Rest Homies” and just plain old Joe Pavelski.

Detroit – Jordin Tootoo

Things Jordin Tootoo loves: Instagram, his girlfriend, pictures of food and hockey fans.  He is quite possibly the most exuberant NHL player on social media (minus Biz and with zero snark).  Not only was Jordin the NHL’s first player of Inuit descent, but also the first from the Canadian province of Nunavut (Correction: Per shanes, it’s the territory of Nunavut. I have no idea what the distinction means, but I shall look it up!).  There’s a place in Canada where not everyone plays NHL hockey?  Dreams ruined.  Jordin is currently benched in favor of Todd Bertuzzi (DISLIKE) – maybe this will put him back in the lineup.

Chicago – Brian Bickell

A long-standing Foxy Friday requirement: Must Love Dogs.  Brian Bickell does.  He and his wife even founded Chicago Loves Pits, an organization to educate and open hearts and minds about pitbulls.  D’awww!  I know the sweetest pit, her name is Luna, and this one’s for her.  Brian also very gracefully handled the Blackhawks’ decision not to include his name on the Stanely Cup, and we love a polite guy.  In a Christmas sweater.

There you have it, even-stevens foxiness across the board.  Let’s see if it works.

Oops, am I late?  We’ve been celebrating Intern Jeff Skinner’s birthday.  He’s 21 today, so… we were having apple juice and cake.

And we made him serve it.  This is a job, people!

Jeff’s big day comes during the un-offseason.  He’s rather be in the playoffs, but how does Jeff feel about playing for Team Canada?  Proud.

How does he feel about turning 21?  Like an adult.

How does he feel when we tease him for having a girlfriend?

Haha, that’s about right.

Happy birthday, Intern Jeff Skinner!  Now back to work!

Happy 23rd birthday, Jordan Eberle!

Remember when we were asking:

Then we got distracted by the playoffs?  Well, meet Kevin Wheeler.

Please, no one disillusion me by saying Canada is not a magical land full of helpful neighbors, cops who give hockey-related high speed escorts and adorklable Jordan Eberle drinking  Coca-Cola products.  I’m in my happy place right now.

Actually, my happy place would be in Sweden for the World Championships.  Can I get a minute for Team Canada?  How did they get a plane off the ground with this much foxy on board?  Ebs, #TeamSchultz, Luke Schenn, #TeamHall, Gingeroux, JStaal and EStaal, Intern Jeff Skinner, Matt Duchene AND Stamkos!

Excuse me while learn to push a beverage cart and deploy door slides.

image by littlestaalthings.tumblr.com

We cannot watch this magic in America because we hate fun things, but it appears that Team Canada is undefeated in this tournament so far [link].

Is it a Swimsuit Competition?  They will never lose.  Not even against Sweden, who they play Thursday.

Ebs had a seesaw year, racking up points in OKC then struggling (along with everyone) back in EDM.  He/they had a pretty great year on WUYS – glad we could help.  Here’s hoping the Oilers make the playoffs next year, also make more Cabbie videos and that someone finally steps up for #Team RNH.

I’m not into reality TV (besides sports), but may I suggest a new program?

Penguins Bachelor Auction – Talent Competition

Episode One: Sidney Crosby’s sex hair vs. James Neal’s ginger beard

Somewhere, Pierre weeps.

Neal’s Strategy: Curls for the girls.

I’m just saying – NBC Sports Network is showing cycling reruns when there is money to be made.

Last night’s Penguins game really saved an otherwise desolate day.  Anything that makes Evgeni Malkin this happy is bound to have the same effect on me.

As we said in our Round 2 Playoff Prognostications on Puck Daddy:

Remember when smart girls were into slacker guys, like in Knocked Up? That’s Pants and the Penguins. If the Pens don’t get their act together and do the damned dishes in Round 2, they’re sleeping on the couch all summer.  

They did it!  At least for now!  Game 1 was a bit mad in the early going, but settled into a steady Penguins onslaught.  The Senators got chances and second chances – we owe you, Vokoun, now lock up those rebounds.  The Pens scored 2 of 4 power play chances and even once on the penalty kill (Duper!).  Strong from start to finish, that’s what girls love.

Game 2 of this series isn’t until Friday, but there’s no rest for hockey fans.  The Kings won last night and the Blackhawks/Red Wings start tonight.  Let’s go Hawks… I’ll be saying from inside the theater where I’m watching Star Trek.

Trust you guys can hold it down for tonight?

As you many remember, I fought the Caps love for a long time before finally caving in.  In just three years as a Capitals’ fan, our relationship has gotten very serious (obsessed, codependent – semantics).

As such, I’ve allowed myself until Noon today to wallow in last night’s Capitals. With actual shock I admit that I might not need that long.

Look, Caps.

Get beaten.  Lose, even.  That’s hockey.  But don’t you give up.

Last night, it felt like you threw in the towel after the Rangers’ third goal.   That’s when I got mad.  I’d get mad at myself, my friends or my non-existent kids if we acted that way and you are not exempt.  This is a family, damn it.  Calling you out doesn’t make me a fairweather fan.  I wouldn’t get mad if I didn’t f&!%ing love you.  I’m not saying sink the whole team in the Potomac and start again.  I’m saying COME TO PLAY and we will COME TO SEE.  You have to hold up your end of this bargain.  I don’t expect wins every night but I expect heart, and  I’ve seen yours before.  I know it’s in there.

*sigh*

Still, they lost.  No one feels worse about it than the Caps (which is saying something, considering how bad I feel).  You can watch the post-mortem locker room interviews if you’re a glutton for punishment.  Me, I’m trying to move on.

Here’s the post I wrote last season when the Caps lost to the Rangers.  While this is a trend I could certainly do without, it reveals a calmer, more admirable side of my pain that I’d pretty much forgotten I had.

Mikey Monday: Love & Memories (Caps Lose 2012)

Things I said last year that are still true now:

• I won’t get down on the Caps for their game seven performance because it’s not what I want to remember all summer.  (Okay, I did a little but it was very cathartic.)

• Thanks, Caps, for a season that was better for me than it was on the score sheet: more fun, more memorable, possibly more frustrating than any game recap could recall.

• Now “there’s always next year,” and the year after that.  But what I’ll really miss is what can never quite be repeated – the ecstatic, hilarious, infuriating magic that is a single season, with a single team, and almost always ends too soon.

Let me add two things for this year:

• I appreciate Ovechkin.  That’s new for me, but he earned it.
• Plus something I hope I don’t have to refer back to it in 2014:  LET’S NOT PLAY THE RANGERS, OKAY?

And so, I forgive the Caps for last night’s game.  I put my anger at the bottom of a bucket and drown it with all the Capitals-related fun I had this year.  To the players, I offer hugs and help packing suitcases.  Have a great summer, get tan, go to Stampede and waterfronts and post many ridiculous photos.

We will miss you and when you come back, we’ll do it all over again.  Because that’s love – and we’re family.

An open letter to the Boston Bruins….

Hey guys -

Chuck here.  I know you have a Game 7 tonight so I just wanted to give you a few words of encouragement.

Don’t F**K it up.

Seriously.

You had this  series.  You HAD it.

You were up 3-1 in the series.  The Maple Leafs team is good good, but not THAT good.

You started off with domination…then have slowly disintegrated like the Death Star after Luke and Rogue Squadron had at it.

Every time James Reimer saves yet another Tyler Seguin shot, I feel this.

Whenever you don’t take that shot when you clearly have the opportunity, I feel this.

I’m over it, Bruins.  Time to man up and make this happen.

Give me what I want!