Day One

There are two ways to spend any night during the NHL Playoffs:

  1. Enjoy a composed evening of important hockey that matters on a theoretical level, but not to your team.
  2. Like me, last night:

snow white

One goal games all around, and no one made it look easy.  Here we go, Round One: Day One already gearing up to be great.

Canadiens: 5, Lightning: 4

Did you get dizzy watching this one?  Twice Tampa Bay took the lead, only to lose it in 0:19 and 3:15 respectively.  Montreal went up by a goal twice, only to be tied again in 2:01 and 1:57.  The last game-tying goal was a beauty by Stamkos, coast-to-coast, all alone:

 

Almost an entire OT period was needed to end this, the Habs getting the win.   Still some good numbers for the Lightning – they had only 25 shots on Price but scored 4 times, while Lindback stopped 39 of 44.  On Montreal’s end, that’s a lot of shots!  Vanek had 7 of them, including this very pretty goal:

vanek

Penguins: 4,  Blue Jackets: 3

TOO CLOSE, THANK YOU.  If every game in the series is like this, I may not survive.  I expect it will be, since all Pens defensemen over the age of Matt Niskanen have a tendency to do what only Mokiki can do so well: the Sloppy Swish.

They will magically get it together for periods (of time, not hockey).  Let’s hope for more of those.  Flower I thought was not bad – the first 2 goals were all the D’s fault, the 3rd he’d love to have back.  If only the world were a wish granting factory.

bsutts

The Jackets are, of course, good and scary.  I was sore from watching guys get hit on TV.  Also from punching the screen every time Brandon Dubinksy’s face came up.  That’s his job and he does it so well.

Ducks: 4, Stars: 3

I went to bed when this was 3-0 Anaheim, all in the first.  I did a “WHAT?!” this morning when I saw the final score.  For twenty minutes things were bleak, but it was just the rust of not making the playoffs for the last 5 seasons.  They are good now.  But are they as good as the Ducks?

Ryan Getzlaf, with the Tyler Seguin slapshot-to-face:

getz

If not for Getz’s mug, who knows?  The Stars could have tied in the final seconds.  They came close more than once.  Coach Boudreau expects Getzlaf to have a “nasty cut” but hopefully be fine and they will know more today.

The Edge of Glory

Since Psych was not renewed for a 9th season, Chuck & I are officially the best faux-psychic show in town.  No time is more ripe for our charlatan act than Day 1 of the 2014 NHL playoffs.  So sit back and allow us to disagree slightly on who will win in the first round.

meangirls

EAST

Bruins vs. Red Wings

Pants: Bruins, because there is no way I get off this easily in life.  They’re packed and they’re stacked, especially in the back (Shoop!).  Tuukka Rask, brick wall with a 2.04 GAA.

Chuck:  Bruins, duh. I mean, I love me some Zetterbeard and the Red Wings did take 3 of 4 from the Black and Gold in the regular season.  But this is the playoffs.  And the Bruins always crank it up to 11 in the playoffs. (Can I get some fries with that shake shake booty?)

arsenio

Penguins vs. Blue Jackets

Pants: Penguins, because I NEED THIS, OKAY?  Also they’ve beaten Columbus five times this season, Letang is getting up to form and Malkin could be back in the lineup tonight.  Fleury is near the top in every category and I’m banking on confidence.

Chuck: I love a good underdog story, and this series could be it.  I know this is FAAAAR from popular option with our readership but just lemme finish. The Blue Jackets are a difficult team to play against.  One coach told Kevin Weekes who told me that Columbus was a “nightmare every time you play them.”  They have some underrated guys and they’re physical.  Last year, Pens went up against the Bruins, arguable one of the most physical NHL teams, and they got swept.  But it is Pittsburgh, so I could be wrong.

newsies

I can’t stop laughing at this gif.

I can’t stop laughing at this picture.

Lightning vs. Canadiens

Pants: Canadiens, because the Bolts lost the one-two punch they needed to win this series when St. Louis bailed.  A shame, since Alexis says Tampa’s beard potential is astronomical.

Chuck: Lightning. Because I cannot. I will not.  It will be a cold day in hell before I cheer for the Canadiens.

just left

Flyers vs. Rangers

Pants: Evil, because that is the only choice.  I’ll say Rangers here but it won’t be easy. The Flyers score slightly fewer G/G (by .22) but Lundqvist’s GAA is marginally better (by 0.14) than Mason’s – who is hurt, thanks Kaitlin, and out for at least Game 1.  That doesn’t help Philly.  Whoever wins plays the winner of PIT/CBJ and I don’t see the Flyers leaving anything but a streak of blood to get there.  Rangers in a long, brutal series.

Chuck: Rangers…I guess.  Both teams have fought and scrapped to make the playoffs, especially the Flyers, who have seemed to recover from their disatrous start.  Rangers’ goaltending and defense are better but this match-up has some serious Hunger Games potential.

voldemort

WEST

Avalanche vs. Wild

Pants: Avs, because Patrick Roy says so.  He’s turned the worst team in last year’s West into the 2nd best team in this year’s West.  Varlamov has seen more shots than any goalie and won more games.  By comparison, the Avs’ offense ranks 20th in shots per game – but they are accurate, with 2.99 G/G (5th overall).  High-quality offense, high-quality goaltender.

Chuck: Avalanche, because why not them?  They are young, exceptionally talented, and have a top notch goalie in Varlamov. Nathan McKinnon is a shoe-in for the Calder and the rest of the forward crew ain’t to shabby.  While the wheels were coming off the Blues’ bus, the Avs leapfrogged over them to take the Central. Remember last year’s Red Sox team?  They went from worst to first and won the World Series.  Just saying….

cindy

Ducks vs. Stars

Pants: Ducks, because they score more than any other team.  They’re #1 at 3.21/game.  The dark horse is that Dallas draws a lot of penalties (3rd overall), and Anaheim’s penalty kill ranks 13th 82.2%.  So there are freebies to be had, Stars.  I still think the Ducks overpower them.

Chuck: My heart says Stars, but my head says Ducks. For reasons.  Namely, Perry, Getzlaf, Bonino, Selanne. Seguin and Benn have one of the best bromance/chemistry in the NHL right now, but it won’t be enough to overpower the Ducks.

grandmas boy

Blues vs. Blackhawks

Pants: Blackhawks.  Only 4 points separate them.  The Blues are slumping hard – they lost 6 of 8 in April.  I would not want to ride that streak into the post-season against the defending Champs.  If Toews & Kane are really ready, like ready-ready, they can tip that balance.

Chuck: Blackhawks. Toews and Kane are back. Even at 75%, they are still pretty awesome.  Blues spent the month of April on a cross-country trip on the struggle bus, which not the way you want to go into the playoffs.  If Blues can return to their regular season form and get some guys back, they could have a shot.  But the WUYS Magic 8 Ball is saying “Outlook look not so good.”

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Sharks vs. Kings

Pants: Snore.  Don’t these teams play every year?  Just two of the last four.  I’ll pick the Sharks for the same reason I always do: aren’t they tired of eventually losing in the Playoffs?  The Sharks are always a fire drill, never a fire.

Chuck: Sharks. Please dear Lord, the Sharks. I need Joe Thornton’s playoff beard to make me whole and happy.

gaga

Did your team make the playoffs?  Who are you cheering for?  Any Cinderellas in this year’s matchup?  We want to kn0w what you think?

Tyler Tuesday: Beardspiration

Tyler and the Dallas Stars giving new meaning to the phrase “by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin”.

They just squeeked into the playoffs and took then second Wild Card spot in the West.  I’m genuinely excited for Tyler (really I am!), given the circumstances of his departure from Boston.  He has matured into a high caliber NHLer and his BMOC bromance with Jamie “Encino Man” Benn was critical to Dallas’s success this season.

But the question remains – Will this new found maturity and attitude also translate to his beard-growing game?

Might we suggest he look to the following paragons of bristle and beauty for some “Beardspiration”.

Henry Cavill.

Armor optional.

The Marines from Zero Dark Thirty.

#ChrisPratt #JoelEdgerton

Ben Affleck.

#BostonStrongBeard

Tom Mison.


Jake Gyllenhaal.

Whoever this guy is.

Any one of these looks will work quite well for us, Mr. Seguin. Quite well, indeed.

Dallas’ 1st round series verses Anaheim starts tomorrow night.  Could be short one for the Stars, given the way that the Ducks have been playing, but we’re hoping for seven games, if only to see what Seguin’s stubble might become.

 

Bring on the Beards!

Happy Day Before #&$% Gets Real, Everyone!  

ron

Every April, we wonder how we got here - if we got here – and panic. Prayers are said.  Shirts and jerseys are lined up to wear.  Post-traumatic stress resurfaces from last season.   And with all that comes something else, something glorious.

No, not the possibility of winning the Cup.  We’re talking about playoff beards!

oduya

2013 Beard of the Year Winner

Here’s a look around this year’s post-season hopefuls, starting with, well…

The Pens TV feature was offline yesterday because the Penguins’ servers are no match for James Neal’s Gingerbeard.

neal

Already GLORIOUS.  Let me tell you James, since you obviously read this blog for tips on fixing your PR problems, the beard is A+.  Glasses too.  Plaid suits, yaaassss. Now keep your promises, don’t be a dirtbag and I may just remove your #futureexboyfriend status.

red panda

MAF however, has permission to remove this creation and begin again.

flower

He looks like Kenneth Branaugh in Hamlet which is really just a gateway beard to Kenneth Branaugh in Wild Wild West.  And no one wants to be in Wild Wild West.

You know I love this disaster.  Crosby growing facial hair is like me singing karaoke – zero God-given talent, still goes on stage.  We both compensate with dance moves.

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Thanks to modern medicine and some really tight workout shirts, we’re thrilled this gem of a beard will be appearing in our 2014 collection:

stammer

Flawless as he always is, Stammer’s beard fascinates because it’s so brown.  Mid-season he hardly appears to have eyebrows, such is his blondness, yet roll around the post-season and Simba starts working on his roar.

Since I mentioned Nealer, here’s Shawn Thornton for good measure.  This art installation began around April 4 and holds promise to become an impressive hedge maze.  Let’s everybody grow beards and nobody get suspended, yeah?

thornton

In news you knew was coming, Toews and Kane have been announced as ready to go for Chicago in Game 1 against St. Louis.

toews

That’s right, Wolverine and his trusty sidekick, The Meerkat, ride again.

wolverine

We’re pretty excited for the Avs to have a go in the playoffs, because we want to see if Gabe can grow a beard.  And we want Matt Duchene back… but mostly Gabe’s beard.  The Avs’ ad campaign asks #WhyNotUs?

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Gabe Landeskog, Age 10

Probably #BecauseofthatMohawk, honestly.  But this is a new, sophisticated year.  They’re even hosting “Burgundy and Blue Week” and as much as we love hockey, that’ll be disappointing if it doesn’t involve wine and cheese.

And remember, Max Talbot is on the Avs!   Think he’ll give us one of these, like the good old days?  Probably scare the crap out of his new baby son, but teaching can never start too early.

talbot

He can compare it to that of fellow former Penguin Mike Rupp.  I miss this elf costume.

rupp

Another excting playoff debut is Jamie Benn.  We know Tyler can phase to Teen Wolf at a moment’s notice (hey, isn’t it Tuesday?), but Jamie’s babyface has never been to the post-season.  We’ve seen an AHL goatee and Movember Mustache, so there’s a beard waiting to happen.  Still we fear the jowl-centric permashadow:

jamie

Will again become this:

jamie2

EGADS.  When we say “It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere,” Jamie, we do not mean that part of your face!  You’ve been on a roll lately (sidenoteBattingPracticesigh) – either go all the way or just keep shaving while gazing intently into the camera.

jamie3

Does Dallas have a bandwagon? Because Imma need a ride.

TJ Oshie joined the Blues Beardathon campaign, so we’ll call his beard The American Dream.  The part of arch-nemesis will be played by Roman Polak.

oshie

Even if he could get 6 rounds like the Olympic shootout, TJs only chance at fuzz would still be to adopt a puppy at the end.

Joe Thornton has done the right thing – he’ll be starting fresh when the Sharks see the Kings on Thursday night.  This really gives new meaning to the term faceoff.  Let’s hope he and Brent Burns have planned A Race to Crazy.

April 9 April 12

April 9                                                                     April 12

The Kings are always regally bearded, but until Mike Richards can’t see past his nose to where Pierre Maguire is trying to groom him on a boardwalk, I find them boring.  Remember when Joaquin Phoenix went crazy, grew a beard and became a rapper (then it was all fake)?  That’s the kind of excitement I expect from LA beards.

 

Speaking of burly later-round possibilities, Henrik Zetterbeard is doing his best to get back into the Wings lineup.  He will practice today, and while he likely won’t be available for the first round, if the Wings get past Boston at least Chuck will have something to live for.

zett

The Habs have Brandon Prust.  If no one else grows a beard (or if they do), we won’t even notice.

prust

The last and final playoff match up is both my dream and nightmare: Rangers vs. Flyers.  Such drama.  I fantasize about them somehow both losing.  I invent elaborate food poisoning schemes.  I transport them off-world, I drop them into the bottom of the ocean in the end, I retract the ice and everyone falls into a pool of sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their heads.

Is that wrong?

loki2

Alas, I must endure.  I caught a hot second of Giroux flipping his hair while being awarded the Toyota Cup for most “Star of the Game” points the other night. Happy Gingers = Slight Weakness.  This beard though.

giroux

Even as an unhappy ginger, Scott Hartnell looked – dare I say it? – kind of nice while discussing his major penalty for spearing (subsequent $5k fine came later).

hartsy

Okay, enough of that.  :: shudder ::

As for the Rangers, Rick Nash looks nice with a beard.  It can dry his tears.

nash

(That wasn’t quite the last playoff matchup, but to the Blue Jackets, I say nothing except see you tomorrow.)

I can’t believe it’s this time of year again.  Are you guys doing okay?  My emotions are 50% excitement and 50% dread soaked in 100% Skittles-flavored vodka.  We’re thankful for beards help to lighten the mood because it’s about to go down.

real housewives wig

Foxy Friday: TJ Brodie

As the regular season comes to a close, we’ll start to remember and eulogize those teams that battled and bruised and sacrificed, but in the end, fell short of the post-season.  But before you reach for that pint of ice cream or in Pants’ case, that bottle of red wine (RIP Capitals), we have something that could cheer you up.

As I was combing through the Foxy Friday archives, I came to realize that out of the all the teams not making it to the Playoffs,the Calgary Flames are the only ones who do not have a Foxy Friday on their roster.   Other teams have a embarrassment of Foxy Fridays gracing their roster. The Flames? Zilch.

Edmonton had three.  Florida had one. Even Buffalo…poor sad, 51-point-getting Buffalo had one.

That changes today. You have TJ Brodie to thank.

Sure, the Flames might have finished 13th (out of 14 teams in the West), but at least they’ve got this guy.

Since 2010, he’s been up and down with the Flames but this season saw him play 80 games with the team. He had a very respectable 30 points this season (4 G and 26 A).  That’s gotta be worth some Foxy Friday points, right? That’s what I thought too.

His team is might be crappier than a port-a-potty at a chili festival, but he’s got some Foxy Friday potential, like….

Eyebrows.

Tattoo.

A Beeker Face.

A wicked cool scar. (and a vampire hairline)

Safety always comes first with TJ.

The beginnings of an excellent playoff beard.

But alas…twas not meant to be.  Maybe next year, TJ.

In the meantime, we hope you and your fellow non-playoff friends have a great summer golfing, ski-dooing on Canadian lakes, and working out with Gary Roberts.

And instagramming/tweeting every glorious moment.


You loving on TJ? I bet you are.  Check out more about our newest Foxy Friday honoree here.

Tyler Tuesday: Filling In

Chuck is on vacation and I am woefully unqualified to do this post, but I know @amy_gehring is skipping class in Europe and @wingwoman85 started her day on Australian time, so I can’t leave the world waiting.

seguin

The Tyler Seguin/Michael Del Zotto bromance that began Instagram-tastically with this:

seguin2

Has continued both online:

seguin1

And in real life:

dz1

The Predators had a three day break, and what better way to spend it than arriving early in Dallas for the NCAA Championship Game?

dz2

Let me be clear: I would not watch basketball if you paid me.  But I would watch it with these guys.

Tonight, you can be a part of Tyler & Michael’s Date Night as the Preds face the Stars at 8:30 PM ET.  Dallas is fighting for the last wild card spot in the west – they need to win tonight.  Will Tyler stay with Jamie?  Or leave him for DZ?  Drama.

seguin3

Since it’s what Chuck would want, let’s assume the season that began with Tyler wearing a cowboy hat on my birthday [video] will live on into playoffs.

seguin1

Tyler has a career-high and team-leading 36G and 46A for 82 points this season. The The Bruins are far from hurting without him, but he has rebounded nicely after being shipped off to Dallas.  We’ll see how far Texas can take him this year.

stars

When summer comes for Seguin, that’s not such a bad thing either.

seguin2

DZ’s pool hair… I can’t. [source]

You can spend it enjoying Seguin photos galore at shattered-lens-photography.tumblr.com and this picture of MDZ as a mermaid.

seguin

And after summer, there is always next season.

 

Hope on the Rocks

The playoffs give me angst.  For the duration of the Penguins’ chances I will feel sick to my stomach nearly all the time.  A portion of that is desire to win, and a large chunk has been devoted over the last few years to hoping this isn’t the moment James Neal does something stupid.

neal3

Does this expression look familiar?

I’m obviously not alone.  You guys know the love/hate – maybe you don’t feel it the way I do.  Maybe you’re more forgiving.  Many of you are not.  I get really, foolishly, heart-breakingly mad about this stuff [Exhibit A | Exhibit B - don't read them though, they hurt].  I finally bought a James Neal shirt in Pittsburgh, as if spending $32 is some kind of bargain with the universe.

neal1

I wish it didn’t.

So I was happy reading this interview by Dejan Kovacevic in which James addresses the issues of his dirty play and poor decision-making like an adult. Alison vetted the article first (breaking our shared rule about never reading Pittsburgh hockey media):

Kovacevic: Neal sees playoffs as ‘second chance’

Of course saying something doesn’t mean James will do it, but it’s a place to start.  Acknowledging the impact his actions have on the team and looking at guys who have won it all are important steps.  Now we need him to stay on the ice as flashy goal-scoring James Neal and not, as someone on Twitter so perfectly called him, “Rabies Neal.”

This James, please:

neal2

So we can get to this James:

neal4

I want one less thing to worry about starting April 16 every game. I want to defend the evolution of a skilled player who rises above past mistakes, not be relegated to blograge and drowning my emotions in a tub of Skittles.

Also I really want the damned Cup.

izzy

Serious-voice (sick voice) James appeared on the Avs intermission last night, sounding like Bruce Wayne.  I still don’t love the sleeve tattoo but the burgeoning gingerbeard gives me dreams of wrist shots and goals from the top of the faceoff circle and victory well into the post-season.  I am here, James, at this second – third - chance and counting on you to hold it together.  Let the only people losing their minds in these playoffs be on my side of the glass.

With Skittles.

 

Foxy Friday: Chris Evans

I really tried to pick a hockey player, but one Google search made everyone else look so boring and outfitted in proper-sized clothing. Consider this your preventative, pre-playoff diversion…

Foxy Friday: Chris Evans

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Now, I can’t tell you if Chris Evans cares about hockey.  I can tell you he owns this hat:

chris4

And this hat:

chris3

Combine these facts with last year’s first-round, Game 7 Maple Leafs implosion-slash-Bruins comeback, and I’d like to think Chris Evans feels NHL playoff stress the way we do.  The dead-on-the-floor, furniture-kicking, eat-your-feelings wave of emotion that waits for us just twelve days from now.

chris

Well, maybe he doesn’t eat his feelings.

cap

Chris is from Boston, so I would guess any real hockey loyalties lie with the Bruins.  (Oh look, there he goes dropping down my list.)   When time machines are finally invented, here’s the exact moment where you can find Chuck:

chris2

But just 3 weeks ago Chris was rocking the Leafs logo again.

chris6

That’s not exactly American, Cap – and believe me, when you pick Canada over the US people really let you hear about it.

cap4

Based on nothing but three photos and the fact I make the rules around here, I’m going to say Chris loves hockey.  Right now, he’s as anxious as anyone (whose movie is about to have an $80+million opening weekend).   One of his teams is a playoff lock, the other clinging to hope.  He watched last night’s Boston/Toronto OT game from the edge of his seat, hoping his beloved Bruins would lose because the Leafs need points.

chris1

Seat? Is that a seat? Is there a couch in this photo?

chris2

How about this – anyone see a seat?

chris11

Oh hey, found one.

He’s also afraid – if the Leafs make it, they’ll likely face the Bruins in Round 1.  It’s a fresh hell, a quick drop into last year’s nightmare.  But he’s willing to go there for his team(s) and knows which one he hopes will ultimately come out on top.

cap5

Chris is ready for the post-season: he’s steeled himself emotionally against this cruel world while perfecting a spectacular playoff beard:

chris9

And if you want to spend 2 1/2 hours with Chris this weekend, you can – before or after the game at your local movie theater.

capgif

(Don’t bother looking in DC, I already double-checked this spot.)

cap2

Disclaimer: I loved – LOVED – Captain America: The Winter Solider.  Right behind The Avengers as my favorite Marvel movie.  Did you know Captain America has a female counterpart in later Marvel lore called American Dream whose real name is Shannon?  Obviously.  I bet she and Cap watch a lot of hockey.

All the Small Things

I was really going to do a post about this Winnipeg Jets’ cookbook… so close.  They Instagrammed something and being married to a chef, I was hooked!  Sadly the video is a yawn but those wings looked pretty delish.  It’s for charity and so, yeah.

Off to the interwebs to find something to care about.

toews

Jonathan Toews will miss the rest of the regular season with an upper body injury sustained after a crushing hit (cue debate – clean/dirty/undecided) from Brooks Orpik.  I like the idea of Toews and Kane sharing a couch, watching hockey and shouting at the TV like I do with… you guys.  On Twitter.  That’s six games out for JT19 and he’ll apparently be 100% (Lindsay’s favorite expression) for the playoffs.

toews2

You can read about how Mike Green proposed to his fiancee, if you’re into that kind of thing (I am).  It obviously involves a pair of shoes.

mike

Why don’t I have one of these?

John Tavares is part of the new CCM ad campaign, which presumably is to sell helmets and overly serious facial expressions.

jt ccm

Martin St. Louis scored his first goal as a New York Ranger… which pretty much sank Torts’ and his Canucks’ hopes of the post-season.  Forgive me if I don’t applaud.

st louis

In a related story, Ryan Callahan has 5G, 5A for the Lightning, who have clinched a playoff spot.  (Alexis and Lindsay clap.)

Montreal Canadiens v Tampa Bay Lightning

In total the East looks like this, and whoever wants to hold my hair while I throw up will be rewarded in her next life.

east

The Caps are circling the proverbial drain.  TWO POINTS COME ON YOU JERKS!  I apologize to the husbands and friends I’ve dragged to recent games with the promise of nachos.  It is impossible to eat such feelings of despair.

pooh

My only light of hope is the Rangers & Flyers could play each other in the first round and so many negative forces might combine to create a black hole that sucks both teams into another dimension where they never play the Penguins in Round 2.

disco

If the Bruins win the President’s Trophy… I’ll say nothing publicly or to Chuck.  We’re already to the point of the season where we barely speak.

Here’s the West, which shows you why the Jets are writing cookbooks.  I hope Dallas staves off Phoenix because I know you guys love Tyler Tuesday and because I want to be nice to Chuck about something.  It has nothing to do with shirtless Jamie Benn playing ping pong.  Nope, not at all.

west

I somehow missed it three weeks ago when #TeamEbs & Co where stuck in an elevator.  My first thought is that I’ve seen Speed a hundred times, I’m totally qualified to perform a rescue in this situation.  My second thought is based on the month season the Oilers have had, maybe they should’ve stayed in there.

ebs

Also this gem  - think about it for a second.

Gabe Landeskog engaged in a Twitter conversation about which Disney hero he better resembles: Kristoff or John Smith (or Cinderella).

gabe

Erik Karlsson has 70 points.  That’s twice he’s broken 70 – each of the last two full NHL seasons.  The only other defenseman to top 70 points in the last 6 years (also did it twice)?  Mike Green.

Mike Green also started with limited tattoos and look where we are  now.

erik

Source video. 100% Swedish.

Meanwhile Matt Niskanen has 42 points and still insists on dry-parting his hair down the middle.  Also, a turtle.  I will never stop thinking this is hilarious.

nisky

Today is another day for your team’s fortune to rise or fall.  Based on all the falling my teams have done lately, I’ll just bottle my frustrations like a perfectly normal hockey fan does with two weeks left in the regular season.

You know how it is.

cap

Tyler Tuesday: Step Aside, Mortals

Once there was a man.  His name was Daryl Reaugh, aka Razor.  Once this man did an interview with Tyler Seguin.  A photo was taken. This photo, to be exact.

photo credit: TNG Photography

In any other realm, we’d be talking about Razor in this photo because he’s kinda of a Harrison and his suit game is mad tight.

But not in this realm.  In this realm, Pants and I rule all.  Hockey is the national sport and there are La Luna taco stands on every corner.  And in this realm, Tyler Seguin is a god amongst mortals.

I know some people are put off by the tattoos and the rumors of bad behavior, but there can be no denying the celestial aura that permeates from every pore of his body.

To be so incredibly talented and devastatingly handsome must be exhausting.


Read Razor’s take on this photo here.  It’s all sorts of awesome. He might be our spirit animal.

Oh and since baseball Opening Day was yesterday, here’s a little something for you.  Enjoy.

Let’s go Red Sox!

 

Happy birthday, Lindsay!

Tomorrow is birthday time for our pal Lindsay!  She may be on a warm-weather vacation without us, presumably eating cake, but we guarantee she’s also watching hockey.

Boys don’t always remember dates, so Steven Stamkos’ gift arrived a little early – two goals in last night’s win over Buffalo.  First he tied the game:

 

Then there was this bizarre own-goal, but plenty of guys need help buying presents.  He returned it to the store and came back with the OT game-winner:

 

Birthday bonus: this episode of Weekes’ Beat, featuring the best in hopeful playoff pre-beard fashion:

stammer2

Stripes and plaid and overhead florescent lighting – you are no match for this.

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As of today the Lightning are in the playoffs with 91 points (awwwww).  Detroit trails them by 7 points for 3rd in the Atlantic… and the two teams are facing off right now.  I don’t want to jinx anything by talking about post-season berths before spots are clinched, but let’s leave it at hoping we see Steven after April 16.  Because even though he thinks he’s getting uglier, we have to disagree.

 

More highlights tonight?  Maybe this wasn’t Lindsay’s present  after all!

Foxy Friday: Ryan Getzlaf

If you didn’t watch NHL Revealed during the Olympics, you missed the season’s best hockey programming.  Go pay for the extended episodes on iTunes – they’re worth it – then come back and know why we say:

Foxy Friday: Ryan Getzlaf

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Ryan Getzlaf exists for two reasons:

  • To make you laugh.
  • To make his awkward friends feel extra-awkward, which in turn makes you laugh.

Make it three – he’s pretty good at hockey.

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There was the classic Getzlaf vs. Ryan 2010 Vancouver Olympics comedy tour that extended all the way to the 2011 NHL Awards.   Bobby Ryan can keep up, but Getzlaf’s best is just dissolving uncomfortable teammate Corey Perry into giggles from which he cannot recover.

Or ragging Crosby because no one else will:

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Or taking  the side-by-side matching Sochi toilets in stride:

 

If your first thought about Ryan Getzlaf for Foxy Friday is “he’s bald” well yes, we know.  He struggled a bit with just how to handle the hair situation…

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… and kept hanging on a little too long.

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It can’t be easy when you’re skating around this sick flow every day:

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But really, we don’t care.  We applaud Ryan for finally just going the way nature was taking him anyway.  He can pull it off!  Bone structure, blue eyes and bald.  Is that an equation?  Or just the formula for Bruce Willis?  Either way, it works.

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Instead of seeing it as a detriment, Ryan uses his crop top as a feature to accessorize.

Baby:

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The Getzlafs have two sons and a daughter on the way.

Puppy:

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Shorts:

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Good deeds:

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Gold medal:

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Okay, that last one goes with everything.

Getz leads the Ducks with 79 points.  This is his first-ever 30G season, +5 over any previous total.  He’s been with the Ducks his entire 9-season career and was named captain at age 25 before the 2010 schedule began.  It wasn’t always an easy road, but the Ducks are now 3rd in the West, 2nd in the Pacific and would, if the playoffs started today, face their rival LA Kings in the first round.

What do you think, Ryan?

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If Getz wants to do this again, his Ducks will have to survive a Western Conference post-season bloodbath.  Teams considerably better than most in the East will go out in the first round because… jeez, thank God for this playoff format.  Love, the Eastern Conference.

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The #2 seeded Ducks went out in the first round last year, though it took seven games.  It’s safe to say that Ryan Getzlaf has at least a few more Fridays left in the 2013-14 season.

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One Last Thing

I hate to say ‘it’s almost that time of year,’ but with about 10 games left in the regular season, we’ll soon say goodbye to some of our favorites.

And hello to their off-season golf shorts, boats-on-lakes and selfies.  Amirite?

Who will carry on this proud tradition?

Who will carry on this proud tradition while Gabe makes the post-season?

Before it’s over, a last look at some players we haven’t looked at in a while.

Adam Henrique

Someone just asked for more Adam Henrique around here and we are nothing if not obliging.  Did you know Adam was named one of the NHL’s Three Stars of the Week twice this month?  He was #2 the week ending March 2, with three consecutive multi-point games and the team lead in PPG and SHG.  Then he was #2 the week ending March 9, scoring a League-leading 5 goals to round out a 6-game streak with 9 total goals.  It took him to the team lead in goals (23), which he now shares with Jagr.

The week ending March 16, Adam didn’t win anything.  But he did look like this and we think that’s worthy of applause.

(SI.com: The Devils could still make the playoffs.)

The Oilers

Pound Puppies.  From the high to the low – no Oilers are winning any prizes these days, unless it’s a summertime lifeboat trade off the Titanic.  Edmonton’s lost their last three by scores of 5-2 (Sharks), 8-1 (Flames) and 3-1 (Sabres).  The Calgary game was especially ugly, featuring another fed up fan throwing a jersey onto the ice.  And Ben Scrivens throwing it back.

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Edmonton Journal story: Scrivens defends the logo.

His aim is pretty good – maybe he should be a forward.

Speaking of forwards with good er, bad aim, Taylor Hall slammed a water bottle and soaked coach David Tennant Dallas Eakins.  It looks far less dramatic than it sounds, and why does every Canadian news outlet link to this crappy YouTube?  Are you saying even in Canada no one was watching Flames vs. Oilers?  Now that carries some sting.

 

Both #TeamHallsy and Coach Eakins spoke of diffusing the situation [link].  It doesn’t change the numbers (EJ: RNH, Eberle, Ference second-half slumps), the standings or anything but what the team may look like when October comes around again.

Intern Jeff Skinner

Aw, Skins.  He leads the Canes with 27 goals, just four off the pace of his Calder Trophy-winning rookie season.  Everyone said he scored so many (then sophomore slumped so hard) because defenders realized they needed to defend him.  Either they’ve forgotten again or Jeff’s beating them – either way, nice rebound.  The off-season could bring big changes for the Canes coaches and players, with Jeff rumored to be on the trading block [link].

This job ain't easy.

This job ain’t easy.

Jordan Staal

A name I haven’t said in ages, Jordan has 15 goals and 39 points.  It could almost look good compared to his trade counterpart Brandon Sutter’s 11G/13P.  Then you wake up and realize BSutts plays for the Penguins and Jordan is a Hurricane.  They were really going to be something, right?  I thought them a bubble team at least.  Maybe next year, or any one of the other contract years Jordan didn’t want $60 million to play 3rd line Pittsburgh center and ever see the post-season.

Tumblr caption, better than mine.

Tumblr caption, better than mine.

Shea Weber

Without the Olympics, and specifically ping pong, I might have forgotten about Shea Weber entirely this season.  Until playoffs of course, when I will miss his scraggly man-beard and erudite caveman spectacles.  He leads Nashville with 46P, and has a team-second 18G.  18 goals from a defenseman (3rd in the NHL) almost leads your team.  Oy vey.  At least the Predators have the sense to host a wine festival on April 24 – no players advertised to attend though, their season will be long over by then.

Dan Hamhuis is mesmerized/terrified.

Mesmerized and Terrified: The Dan Hamhuis Story

Bobby Ryan

Just announced: Bobby will miss the rest of the season for sports hernia surgery [link].  He’s been playing injured since November until a last straw in Saturday’s game vs. Dallas.  Still, he leads the Senators with a career-low 23 goals.  Read that again.  Consider the Ducks’ 99 points and 46-18-7 record.  You could have let the guy play in the damned Olympics, at least!  Instead Bobby spent the Olympic break getting engaged (sigh) in Paris (double sigh) and then (we assume) reuniting with his cats in a moment worthy of Homeward Bound.

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John Tavares

Welp.  Even without his season-ending injury in Sochi it would soon be time to say summer to our favorite hot middle school science teacher and part-time model.  We leave you with this for remembrance purposes:

(Seriously HOW have I never seen that before?)

 Michael Del Zotto

I almost left him off – it’s been a rough year – until he joined Instagram while I was writing this. (Practically true – instagram.com/MDZofficial.)  Could this be the man carrying the boats-and-selfies banner?  I would not complain.  Just watch out for sharks.

Don't know what this is from, don't care.

Don’t know what this is from, don’t care.

While we’d like to see some of these guys play into May or beyond, this is not the time of year to be nice.  There’s no room for 3rd and 4th favorites, for interns or Cinderella stories when my heart is full of so much…  excitement?  Is that what this is?  Fear?  Hope?  Bile the color of Flyers’ jerseys?  Just wondering gives me chest pains.  Other teams will miss the playoffs (please don’t be the Caps, she whispers) and we’ll talk about them when they do.  For now, it’s still anybody else’s game.

The Pittsburgh Ten

In Disney World commercials, a kid walks into the theme park where Mickey, Donald and all the characters are lined up waiting to greet her. You know, the kind of magical thing that never happens when you actually go there.  Unless you went with us this weekend to Pittsburgh.

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Lindsay, Alison, Emma and I arrived from Canada and Maryland on Friday afternoon.  That night we weren’t at dinner 20 minutes (or one drink) before Robert Bortuzzo walked in the door.

Let’s be honest.  How many people in how many places would get excited about this?  How often is that one person in that one place when it happens?  Well that person is Alison and that place was Meat and Potatoes and I honestly thought it was the highlight of the weekend on the first night.  It helps that Borts is 6’4″ and can clearly be seen from across the room.  We ate (good food, great atmosphere) and presumably he did the same.  Alison did not fall down when passing his table.  The trip was off to an excellent start.

Emma, Alison, me, Lindsay

Emma, Alison, myself, Lindsay and Borts (not pictured).

Afternoon games are the best because you just wake up and hockey.  Saturday morning we managed breakfast before warm-ups, which found Lindsay getting politely razzed by everyone at Consol for her Stamkos shirt.  Pittsburgh people are the friendliest even when they’re giving you a hard time.  When warm-ups started everyone remembered Steven looks like this:

Right game, not our photo.

Right game, not our photo.

… and gave Lindsay a pass.  Don’t worry, she had on her Crosby jersey by game time.  If you watched the back and forth of the game, you saw Crosby score first and probably heard us screaming.  Geno had two goals plus the first star post-game on-ice interview.

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I’m score. (Welp, foot injury.)

James Neal did what he always does when I go to Consol (both times) – win it in extra frames.  Last time was a shootout, now overtime.  He must know how mad he makes us sometimes – he’s that boyfriend who you keep breaking up and making up with.  As Emma would later say, “James Neal is every mistake I made in my twenties.”

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After the game, we went to Primanti Bros.  You’ve all probably been there and we knew to expect the unparalleled marvel of multi-tasking: fries inside a sandwich.  America, Land of Innovation.  What we didn’t expect were $4 jumbo beers – how does anyone stay sober in Pittsburgh?  Yuengling practically flows from fire hydrants in the street.

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After sandwich coma and a change of clothes, we did even more eating at Butcher and the Rye.  You should all travel with Lindsay and Alison – they make reservations at the best places.  In less time that it took Borts to be wished into existence the night before, Brendan Morrow and his excellent hair appeared.  We appreciated it for one moment… except he now plays for the Blues.

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You can wish a lot of failure and heartbreak on an opposing team.  We wished food poisoning – and didn’t wish hard enough, based on the next day’s game.  We were busy planning knife-throwing crimes in case we saw David Backes.  Sorry Sochi puppies, but we hold a grudge.  Steve Ott was there too – enough of a directional beacon for hockey anger.

We were a bit stuck downtown and ended up at bar called Olive or Twist twice. Tumblr informs us that once upon a time, a lucky bachelorette party stumbled upon Neal and Crosby there.  (We hope the bride to be hadn’t signed her pre-nup yet.) We got only a sad guy on a sad guitar acoustically serenading us with slow-jam versions of 90′s pop songs.  His ballad version of “Bye Bye Bye” was a momentary bright spot.  There was in fact a bachelorette party near us – no Penguins to save their day, only Hootie and the Blowfish covers.   Still we were 2-for-2 on NHL sightings.  Well done, Pittsburgh.

Currently being painted on the side of my house.

Currently being painted on the side of my house.

Sunday was another morning of breakfast and hockey.  Penguins warm-up skate is always a highlight and they could make good money selling tickets for just that.  The game… was the game.  A strangled 1-0 loss.  Welcome to the stretch and the playoffs, where tension takes the place of fun!  At least we had giant burgers from Burgatory and cleaned out the PensGear store to the tune of Robert Bortuzzo’s only shirt sale possibly ever.  (Mostly kidding.)  We did get a Matt Niskanen intermission interview to match my new shirt and some incoherent shouting about turtles.

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Too much… closer… perfect.

We nursed our mild depression before calling up @TheChadPGH to join us for dinner.  The hotel even gave us a ride in a van with a giant chocolate chip cookie on the side, and right outside the restaurant they were filming Aaron Paul’s new movie.  Got all that?  Dinner, Hollywood, Cookie Van.  We are VIP.

cookievan

Chad was already at The Urban Tap and I have to think he wouldn’t trade what happened next for dinner with any other four girls who are not, say, SI swimsuit models.  It was that memorable.  We ordered more freakishly underpriced Yuengling and within minutes, Alison said: “I think Lee Stempniak is here.”  Yup. That was it – 3-for-3.

As we were still laughing, a tall skinny guy in a light dress shirt came in.   Really tall, like almost as tall as… and right behind him, a shorter, stockier guy in a dark blazer.  With hair like a Ken doll.

Me: “Crosby just walked in the door.”

Live reaction shot of me and Chad, hacked from a security camera:

love actually

Lindsay, Alison and Emma:

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Life, in general:

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That’s it.  I didn’t faint and the floor didn’t swallow me.  Impressed?  You should be.  Everyone turned to look – there’s no being sly in this moment.  Sure enough, Crosby and Borts again, joining Stempniak and Brian Gibbons.  Like normal people on a normal Sunday in a normal life where Sidney Crosby wears jeans and is not behind a pane of glass.

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This is where Chad became a rescue worker in a potential disaster, keeping us focused, talking, alive.  Good thing because without him who knows what we would have said.  And how loudly.  Why does that matter? Because just behind the pole Lindsay was leaning against – Brandon Sutter.  He’d been there the whole time.  We didn’t realize until Borts walked by, squeezed between Lindsay and the table and yelled, “SUTTSY!”  Now, BSutts is Alison’s favorite.  Borts is on the list, and that’s rare enough, but truth be told he is no BSutts to her.  For Borts and BSutts to be talking within arm’s reach… this is Christmas, people.  It’s every birthday you ever had.  If Alison were shot from a cannon into a bucket of jellybeans it could not have been more perfect.

Just when we thought Pittsburgh had really over-delivered, there was one trick left.  The first open table was, of course, right next to the Penguins.  WHO GETS UP FROM THIS TABLE?  Who finishes eating and thinks, “I’m leaving to do something better with my Sunday night?”  The hostess pointed us that way and Chad’s reaction was just, “Oh my God.”

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(You know I was the first one over there for the best seat.  I can fly.)

We spent the next four hours having an amazing girls + Chad night with the lovely backdrop of Sidney Crosby.  Borts too, of course, and Gibbons, Stempniak, Craig Adams showed up, Zach Sill, I think that’s it.  (Edit: Also Deryk Engelland.)  BSutts dropped by.  We pretended to care about the basketball game on TV, I accidentally ordered grilled lettuce for dinner (with cheese) and we kicked the keg of Yuengling.  There was some dreamy sighing and a comment or two about Sid wearing a blazer with sneakers, but we managed to be quite coherent-ish.  When it was over, Crosby and Borts left first then other people trickled out.

Now, I know most of you are thinking “WHERE ARE THE PICTURES?!”  Even my husband looked seriously disappointed when he said, “You sat near Sidney Crosby for four hours and didn’t even talk to him?”  He is not impressed by my motivation to (re-)marry up.

We didn’t ask for pictures.  We didn’t interrupt or talk to them.  We didn’t even discuss whether or not we would.  They were having fun (and so were we, plenty of it) being regular people.  It would have been awkward to interrupt, and even more so to sit nearby for hours afterward.  So while I will normally talk to a tree, and I did talk to Gibbons and Sill later, you’ll have to take our word that it looked like this:

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And most of the time like this based on where the tables were:

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Plus a lot of this:

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And for the finale, this moment from In The Room:

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Trust us: whatever you’re thinking, it was 87% better than that.   It might not have been the night for the best Instagram photo of all time – but there’s always next year’s 2nd annual trip.

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Tyler Tuesday: 35,000 feet

Chuck here! Hello from 37,000 feet!

Yup, that’s right. This Tyler Tuesday is coming to you from somewhere over America. Sure, I have no legroom and the guy in front of me just leaned his seat back, but I don’t care.

It’s Tyler Tuesday!

from paulmara.tumblr.com

Fittingly I was in Texas this week for a work conference.  You know who else is in Texas?

Heehaw, ya’ll

In the last five games (not including tonight’s game), Seguin has 11 points (5 goals, 6 assists) including a 5 pt night vs Vancouver.  (LOLOLOLOL, btw)

Oh and that happened to be his 3rd hat trick as a Star, tying him with Bill Guerin and Mike Modano.

#NoBigDeal

Seguin is 4th in the league in points and 7th with goals, which is working out quite well for Dallas.  A surging Seguin is just what they need right now, as they make the push for that final playoff spot.

Admittedly, I SO wish with all my heart that he was doing this with the Bruins, but at least I have this to ease my sorrow.

 

Think, think, think.

Today, I’m calling on all of you to focus.

Does this help?

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No?

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How about…

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That ought to do it.  Now, bring the power of your mind to bear on the universe and let’s see if we can’t get James Neal and Chris Kunitz back in the Pittsburgh lineup tonight.

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For the record, I don’t want anyone rushing back from a concussion (or any injury).  We have a long way to go here – say, until mid-June.  But I also don’t want to see anymore hot garbage like the Pens back-to-back losses to the Flyers over the weekend.  Call it The Lost Weekend.  Wake up wondering what happened and hope your friends never mention it again.

Onward and upward.

PENS

So, will the fix(es) be in?  If I had to choose, I’d take Kunitz returning first.  Crosby Winger Bingo is bad enough when it only has to fill one spot. Now Bylsma is giving out top line assignments  by tossing jerseys into the crowd.

oprah

On-ice chemistry takes time to develop, but no one is getting the chance now. There were moments on Sunday when Sid put the puck right where Kunitz would be… except Chris was in the press box eating nachos.  (The nachos are my assumption because Kuni is awesome and so are nachos.)

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I have to believe if Neal can play against Dallas, he will.  You always want to look good when you see your ex.  And he probably got a little jealous when we picked Jamie Benn for Foxy Friday, what with all the fan-paigning you guys did.  That gold medal cannot have helped.  It sure would feel good to, I dunno, score a hat trick or have an 8-point night or something, right James?

Too much?

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Our job today is to concentrate.  Levitate something.  Bend a spoon.  Control the universe, as I have been known to do on occasion and the Blackhawks do every summer.  Help return two key pieces to the Penguins battered lineup and ensure that Lindsay, Alison and I can witness greatness this weekend in Pittsburgh, both on and off the ice.  If this works, you all get promoted.

(Not you, Intern Jeff Skinner.)

Hey, Big Spender.

If we had to brainstorm events we’d pay good money for, Sidney Crosby delivering dessert and wine would be up there on the list.

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The Penguins’ annual Skates & Plates event was held last night, where the players wait tables, raise funds for charity and try not to spill food on people.  (I’d take care of that myself in this company.)

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On the Pens team, you can have one of two haircuts.  The Flow, which Orpik and Vitale are growing into behind the fearless, forever lead of Letang:

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Or the Practical Dad, worn best while standing together in family portraits.

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BSutts parts to the left, like he’s cooler.

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Hahahano.

Here’s proof on an actual dad:

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(see also: Tanner Glass)

And on a future hot dad:

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Dammit, Sid.  I’m not complaining, but we were really into this Clark Kent thing you had going there for a minute:

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Was it too much work?  Bangs under a helmet not that comfortable?  I know, look at Letang all the time and get itchy for a hair tie.

Glaringly Panic-Inducingly Potentially-Catastrophically Noticeably missing from this event was James Neal’s hair, and the rest of him.

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Immediate reaction, in order, from Lindsay, me and Alison:

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I’m Hodgins. What? He’s rich, okay?

Nealmobile skipped yesterday’s practice on a “maintenance day.”  So did Kunitz, but that Monchichi was delivering dessert at Skates & Plates.  Even Duper was there.  Bylsma said the status of Neal & Kunitz would be re-evaluated today, prior to the Pens home & home vs. Philly this weekend.

A note to James Neal: Lindsay, Alison and I will be at the game in Pittsburgh in 8 days, 2 hours and 46 minutes.  So you have that long to:

  • get healthy
  • grow out your beard

You got all that?

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There is video and a full story, complete with Crosby making the day of some little girl and Borts’s strategy  for the most tips (Dear Alison, send money).  There’s also a rather abbreviated photo gallery.  Start saving for next year.

Know When to Hold ‘Em

Someday I’ll go to a hockey team’s Casino Night.  Someday I’ll have $250 to spend on an event that doesn’t involve either Vegas or getting a tan.  Or they could move these to Vegas and I could do all three at once.

The Caps and Islanders hosted casino nights last night.  The events benefit wonderful charities, but “Crush on Mike Green” is not a deductible category on my taxes.  At least not when “Married, Filing Jointly.”  Perhaps in Canada you can claim “Pretending I Can Count While John Tavares Deals Blackjack.”

isles1

I hope John’s a slow dealer, because hockey + cocktails is already more math than I can handle.  Read about the event here and see more photos here.  If there’s video later, I’ll post it.

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Unrelated to casino night but very related to things we love, here’s the Winnipeg Sun story about John sending a signed jersey to an 11-year old Isles fan who was bullied at a Winnipeg Jets game.  Perfect guy is perfect.

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The Caps don’t have a story or photos up yet.  They must’ve partied harder and the web team is sleeping it off.  Their Instagram managed a few photos:

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How many drinks before I say, “Mike Green, your hair is too short!”?

But luckily the DC news was up early - Fox 5 TV – Caps Casino Night.

The event featured Ovi’s blue jacket:

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Underage gamblers:

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And the Brouwer Rangers modifying their suits into Power Tuxes.  Helmets and all.  No offense NYI, but this looks more like our kind of party.

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Hoping for a more in-depth analysis of Mike Green’s hair in tonight’s broadcast.

 

Karaoke Night

I know we haven’t been posting that much lately – real life, jobs, bills, snore – but if there were ever something to focus our attention, it’s singing.  The Avs did their lip sync thing, now the Winnipeg Jets are raising the stakes.

Pass The Mic – Episode 7

They’re singing Frozen.

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Or they’re trying, before dissolving into giggles.  This is how I imagine the in-theater Frozen sing-alongs went, if you could hear anyone else over my Oscar-winning performance.

“THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAY!”

Sadly, Zach Bogosian declines to serenade us with a Luke Bryan song, mostly because he can’t hold a note and that bicep flex at the same time.

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Shirt by Saran Wrap.

Now I don’t know who any of these other guys are, and they are having none of Jacob Trouba on the microphone, but maybe it’s time to watch a Jets game.

anna

Mark Stuart likes the 80s and 90s… probably because he’s Sean William Scott wearing a shoe polish beard.  Right?  Stifler can skate, we saw Goon.

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Think about it – have you seen Seann William Scott lately?

Since no one else wants to sing, let’s go back to this:

Trouba and  Scheifele.  High School Musical.  Pitch Perfect.  How to get invited to the WUYS Prom.

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Winnipeg makes a different player host each episode of Pass The Mic – a genius idea. So many possibilities for awkwardness and jockstrap backgrounds.

You can watch the rest starting with Episode 1, hosted by Tight Shirt Bogosian himself and discussing Movember mustaches – with Stifler, again.

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Right? I am right.

Tyler Tuesday

Today marks what I hope will be a semi-annual feature extolling the virtues and magnificence of one very special person.

Like my esteemed colleague Pants, and her undying love for Mike Green, my love and admiration for Tyler Seguin has become too great and all consuming for it to not have its own dedicated day.

Tyler Tuesday.

from glovehand.tumblr.com

Now I know what you might be thinking “You only like him because he’s hotter than a pepper sprout.” Well that is not entirely untrue, but it’s more than that.  Since he came into the league, there has been something about Tyler Seguin that has intrigued me – this like man-child, superstar-on-the-verge thing…but that’s a conversation for another post.

Time to get down to the real reason for today’s feature -

from prustytute.tumblr.com

Milk.  It does a body good.

Few First off – What is with the pants? Are they yoga pants?  Don’t care. He can downward dog with us any day.

The feet – in the words that accompanied this photo, Seguin talks about his giant feet and his ability to pinch & grip things with his toes.

It’s like some mutant superpower. Where are Professor X and the X-Men?  Time to ship him off to the School for Gifted Youngster where he can hang out with Beast and crush weights with Colossus.

Or perhaps he might want to take up artistic endeavors with his freakishly dexterous feet.  Painting perhaps.  If you’ve seen My Left Foot, you’ll understand.

The tattoos/arms  - my favorite part of the male form has always been the hands/arms/shoulders and his are pretty spectacular.  Then you add the tattoos – and well I’m happier than a camel on Wednesday.

The face – no words needed here. Perfect.

Then we have this photo.

Who is this girl on the left and how can I get her job?  Pretty sure that “hockey player body misting person” was not at any job fair I’ve ever been to.

As educated, intelligent women, we are keenly aware that objectifying someone because of their body is bad.  People are more than what they look like. It’s about their personalities. Their values. Their goodness.

Ah, whatever.

In the immortal words of pop princess Willa Ford (AKA Mike Modano’s ex-wife)…