Let’s take this in baby steps and try not to get too carried away. Because we could go on for DAYS about All-Star Weekend (wait, we already have).
First, everyone missed their flights to Raleigh. Patrick Kane was busy packing his “Louis V shades.” Mike Green and Ovi couldn’t fit two grown men and hockey gear on a Vespa.
When they finally arrived, there was the red carpet. Roenick asked everyone what they were wearing, and he’s scarier than Joan Rivers. All you need to know is Fleury danced in his Prada shoes and this happened:
Then the All-Star Fantasy Draft. Or it shall henceforth be known: Awkwardfest 2011. In the best and most uncomfortable 90 minutes in television history, Teams Staal and Lidstrom selected their players. Highlights:
- Cam Ward goes #1, steals the show. (This is a recurring theme.)
- Mike Green chews gum, with his mouth open, on stage. The entire time. Because he loses the “Best Hairdo” award to Ryan Kessler.
- Jonathan Toews doesn’t get picked at the beginning. Derp face.
- The Sedin twins are split up. Can aliens live separate from their host?
- Awkward host calls Tim Thomas old for being drafted by a team that no longer exists.
- Eric Staal has a mean streak, picks Lundqvist. Marc Staal says no more Christmas presents.
- Jonathan Toews finally picked. Derrrrrrrrrrp face.
- No one understands the science of microphones. If you’re back six inches, it can still hear you.
- Kris Letang picked in Round 12? Idiots. Swaggers on stage, easily making fools of all. Trips going up the stairs. Still wins.
- Brent Burns denied our Fear The Beard campaign to show that – surprise! – he looks a lot like sparkly Robert Pattinson.
- Matt Duchene is my new favorite dork.
- Phil Kessel (Cartman) gets picked last. Thinks Toews had it easy.
- Ovi films, laughs maniacally.
The point of the draft was to liven up the weekend and show the players’ personalities – it certainly did that. And we just couldn’t Tweet or text fast enough to keep up! Afterward, everyone congratulated Brendan Shanahan on continuing to be the awesomest of awesometown.