Awkward Family Photos

Roster photos are like a walk through a mine field.  Never have so many attractive guys looked like they were kidnapped, stuffed in a trunk and taken to a Walmart Portrait Studio.

Remember that one parent with the plastic comb that “fixed” everyone’s hair on school picture day?  That parent was absent from the Penguins locker room.

crosbyI just woke up and why are there girls here?

genoI just woke up and where is Lazy?

neal I just woke up and yeah, I look pretty good.

Meanwhile, all capable Pens grow light brown facial hair.  That’s an order.

pensVitale, Orpik and even Paul Martin, looking a little like Justin Timberlake, no?

The Blackhawks must have had a big night out before their photos.  This has Walk of Shame written all over it.

hawksVampires are passé now, Seabs.

But not Toews.  He doesn’t like fun.  He wakes up every morning looking like the high school quarterback who never signed your yearbook, just left you dreaming about that time he breathed on you in the hallway outside English.

toews

I don’t know what happened to Viktor Stalberg here, but this picture isn’t even on Tumblr.  It’s been shunned by the church and we don’t talk about it anymore.

stalberg

The Capitals, oh man.  Should I be worried that this half of the team:

caps2Pink edit,but I couldn’t find Brooksy anywhere else!

.. isn’t friends with this half of the team?  Because friends don’t let friends get photographed like this.

caps

Then again, has anyone told Mike Green?  I will submit this whole blog to “What Not to Wear.”  Exhibit One: From last year to this year…

Washington Capitals Headshots

I am 99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata.

Tampa Bay obviously has the right idea about photos in general, what with the beaches and the shirtless and the flexing.  But here, Vinny has never looked so French.  He’s the mean food critic from Ratatouille.

bolts

Tom Pyatt has the look I get when trying to remember if he’s Tom or Taylor.

And of course, from the Jonathan Toews School of Upstaging Everyone:

Tampa Bay Lightning Media Day Hey girl, let me help you with that yoga pose.

Now that Ebs & Hall have As up in Edmonton, RNH can’t figure out who he should be listening to.

ebs I’m smiling. Smiling’s cool.

hall Don’t smile. Smiling is for losers.

nuge Mom and Dad, stop fighting!

I can’t deal with the Hurricanes right now.  The Southeast Division is too crowded with people I love for Jordan Staal to be both Jordan Staal AND be in this jersey.  He needs to pick one.

Carolina Hurricanes Headshots

Because there’s already Intern Jeff Skinner.  Look how proud he is of that hair.

Carolina Hurricanes Headshots

It’s not surprising the Rangers run a tight ship.  Like the Yankees before them, their grooming standards are top notch and they don’t let just anybody in looking homeless and hungover.  Looking foxy is very serious in NYC.

nyr

I don’t see new shots of Nash & Richards, so I’m holding out hope we can mess up their hair first.

nyr2

Update: All the Rangers photos. We didn’t get there in time beat slicked-back. (Thanks Beth!)

I’m not going through the Senators roster because frankly, I don’t know them well enough.  I do know that when 95% of your team is smiling for the camera, like they’re actually really excited, that I get excited too.  Overall best in show so far, Ottawa – except that one guy circled below.  Party pooper.

sens

A quick search for San Jose yielded only one photo – but it’s enough.  Just put this down for every name on the roster.  Brent Burns appears to be guest-starring on Sponge Bob Square Pants or Moonshiners.

Cosmopolitan’s Hottest Shark, folks:

burns

More teams as the photos continue to roll in!

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Leave a Reply

  1. Rae Reply

    Holy crap, Pants! You have outdone yourself on this one! I have laughed so much that I crapped in my pants, cried, got a headache and made my coworkers uncomfortable all at the same time. Wow.

    Needless to say, this has made me VERY excited for tonight’s festivities. O_O

  2. Deanna Reply

    I can’t stop laughing. This is why every team needs female interns there on picture day!

  3. Lexi Reply

    can you tag this as NSFW? I laughed so hard I peed and now I have to go home and change.

    well done ladies!

  4. Cassy Reply

    I can now see why Nash went to the Rangers – he is in possession of that identikit smile they all have. Look again. See what I mean?

    And wtf is scaring Nicky Backstrom so much? That’s rabbit-trapped-in-headlights terrified! And as for Mike Green – I had to put my glasses on and check.

    Kudos on making sure my boy Brooksy Blue Eyes was in there though – and he’s such a man’s man he makes pink look GOOD.

    How many of them are doing Sasquatch though? It’s frankly disturbing. And doesn’t Intern Jeff Skinner look happy and proud? You just know he’s now caddying for both Jordan and Eric now. Or maybe he’s been upgraded to babysitter? Probably explains why we haven’t seen so much of him round the WUYS offices lately.

    Looking forward to the predicted super increase of blog posts. Mikey Monday and Foxy Friday are BACK BABY!

    Ps – why no Bruins? Are you leaving it to Chuck to do a special Foxy Friday line-up or is it because the perfection that is the professor might put all the rest to shame….? ;P

    • Pants Reply

      I don’t see that the Bruins new roster photos have been posted anywhere. Do you? Same for a lot of other teams too. Soon, hopefully!

      • There were a couple new ones floating around (Johnny Boychuk was definitely one) but everyone else’s looked the same.

      • Rebecca Guilbert Reply

        There’s a bunch of them on tumblr! Annnd we’re all pretty sure (actually, positive) Seguin’s is the SAME photo from last year!

  5. The Rangers need to stop it. It is not fair.

    Brent Burns is my idol. Giving new meaning to the hashtag #longhairdontcare

    Sorry, but Backstrom looks like a woman. A very ugly Swedish woman.

    Stamkos is werking it. A++ for him.

    • Frauline Backstrom.

  6. Macy Reply

    The party pooper from Ottawa is Jared Cowen! He played for the Spokane Chiefs in the WHL (I only know this because I go to school in Spokane, and the Chiefs are awesome).

  7. You are killing it today, Pants. KILLING IT. I can’t even think of witty comments. I bow to thee.

    But I do have to point out that you missed Patrick Sharp!

    http://blackhawks.nhl.com/club/player.htm?id=8469544

    He too looks like he rolled out of bed, but in a “I am the hot dad of a cute little baby” kind of way. Handsome years old.

  8. chelski Reply

    1. hilarious post.
    2. I am crying. What has happened to the Caps? Gotten too cool for school? I blame MG52′s “girlfriend”…she probably encourages this type of look. Thank god for Brooks keepin’ it real.
    3.Here’s a thought, maybe we (females) are to blame…we all seem to love beards/LL Bean boyfriends/etc, maybe of the guys are slightly insecure and wanting to fit in with our vision of perfection.

    eh, I’m gonna continue to blame MG52′s gf. Makes things easier.

    • Lemya Reply

      I feel like we should be donating cases of Jergen’s Natural Glow to the Rangers…..

  9. AAAUUUGGGHHH!!! This might be my favourite WUYS post EVER. Amazeballs. Outstanding.

    Stamkos, Jesus. And you know what I think about Toews: “just left you dreaming about that time he breathed on you in the hallway outside English.” YES. PERFECTION.

  10. Sarah Reply

    “Never have so many attractive guys looked like they were kidnapped, stuffed in a trunk and taken to a Walmart Portrait Studio.” QUOTE OF THE WEEK! lol

    Also, is it me or does Brent Burns have that Tom Hardy crazy look going on?

  11. Lemya Reply

    SUCH.UNFORTUNATE.FACIAL.HAIR.(Except the Timberlake triplets, that was 100% Amazeballs)… But seriously, who let Piglet out of doors looking like that and why wasn’t I invited to the pre-portrait Power Hour?!?!?!?

  12. Lemya Reply

    I feel like we should be donating cases of Jergen’s Natural Glow to the Rangers…..

  13. Chelsea Reply

    This post is perfection. It explains everything I’ve wanted to say about these roster photos since they started popping up on tumblr a couple days ago. Duncan, Seabrook, and Kane look like they just got off a week long bender. Geno looks like he literally just got off the 14 hour plane ride from Russia. Thank god for Stamkos and Toews. Always the overachieving heroes. Bless them.

  14. Alli Reply

    I think Mikey and Brent Burns are about to duke it out for the role of the Geico Caveman this year.

  15. Lorelei6903 Reply

    Holy Grizzly Adams Brent Burns!!! He is such a gorgeous man. Quit it right now. I’ll admit Geno and Sid do look like they just rolled out of bed, but we all KNOW they look better than these unfortunate pictures, but Nealer looks great. He may have actually washed his hair, too. Those first three Blackhawks do look like they came in from partying ALL night, especially Kane. hehe I’m just so happy that hockey is back, though, that I don’t care what any of them look like:D

  16. MouthGuard Reply

    This is definitely hestined for the WUYS HOF. Laughed my butt off!!!

    You have to wonder if the lockout seriously messed with some of these guys, though. Many of them look MARKEDLY different from usual – and I’m not just talking about puberty (in the case of Intern Jeff). Some of them look like they’ve been waking and baking for months, in addition to not shaving (as opposed to growing a lockout beard – just not shaving). And then there are guys who have sorta become polished young men over the past few months. It’s creepy, curious and interesting. Hopefully somebody will write a book chronicling what all these gentlemen did during this infamous period in hockey history.

    Oh, and Chuck – I agree 1000% re Piglet looking like Mrs. Swedish Chef. And I’m super glad everybody’s taking notice of Mr. Burns. He’s a trip-and-a-half in more ways than one! :)

  17. hotstovebb Reply

    Geno rocks his classic woke-up-late-and-almost-missed-the-bus class photo look. Check out his KHL team pic. At least he’s consistent.

    http://en.khl.ru/players/9464/

  18. Alicia Reply

    I scared my dog because I was laughing out loud. What is up with Carlson and Backstrom??? These pictures are so amazingly bad that I have to believe it was all an inside joke to get the worst pictures in the league. Thanks for making me laugh and I look forward to many new posts.

  19. Haha, the Sens guy you circled is Jared Cowen, a young defenseman who’s probably not smiling because he’s missing the entire 2013 season with a hip injury sustained while playing in the AHL. But the rest of my boys are pretty chipper, hmm? :) <3

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