What's Up, Ya Sieve

The power of Foxy Friday is surprising.  Players have an eerie tendency to over-perform immediately after being featured – and it’s not always a good thing for us.  When NYI’s Matt Martin pretty much ruined my life in Game 2 vs. the Penguins, I promised not to foxify anyone from an opposing team for the rest of the playoffs.  These are dangerous times.

I wanted to feature a player who’s still playing hockey, since we have to get through the whole summer with guys playing golf.  How to do that without cursing myself tonight?  How about one of each?

Ottawa – Eric Gryba

Suspended two games in Round 1 for an earth-shattering hit that seemed clean to us, Eric Gryba is Chuck’s kinda guy.  With that beard, he could be Rick Nash’s stunt double.  He left Tuesday’s game with an ‘upper body injury’ after a big hit from Pens’ Brooks Orpik, and will not play tonight.  Get well, Eric! (Just not well enough to score goals, or stop them, you know… that’s my disclaimer.)

Pittsburgh – Matt Niskanen

If you never looked past James Neal in the Penguins/Stars trade, you may have ignored Nisky back there on the blue line.  Being adorable.  Having “Norman” for a middle name.  Talking like he’s from Minnesota with a shot of Texas.  Maybe you saw him fighting Kyle Okposo in Round 1.  Stupid brawl, but foxy black eye.  Go ahead and score all the points you want. (@alisonsykora approves this message.)

New York - Derick Brassard

Rhonda suggested Derick for Foxy Friday and got a really huge NO from me, but I’ll include him here.  Who does he look like to you?  It’s not Logan Lerman.  Someone on Glee?  I feel like Derick is going to break into a cover song at any moment.  I thought he was a rookie, but it turns out he was just playing in Columbus for 5 years.  Maybe I’ll just call him Foxy Trade Bonus.

Boston – Daniel Paille

Chuck hopes the Foxy Friday luck rubs off on Pie, since he hasn’t scored in a bit.  I think Paille looks much better without his heard.  It’s the whole strong-jawed, Bryce Harper thing.  But he can keep growing it as long as Chuck gets to keep watching her Bs – and he keeps hugging people this enthusiastically.

Los Angeles – Jarret Stoll

Jarret Stoll got hit by Raffi Torres in Game 1 of this series.  Torres got suspended (shocker) and Stoll missed Game 2 last night.  I don’t really get swoony over Stoll – are there any blond celebs he hasn’t dated? – but I like Erin Andrews a lot.  If he’s good enough for her, he’s good enough for Foxy Friday.  Here’s hoping he’s back in the Kings’ lineup soon.

San Jose – Joe Pavelski

Featured in this week’s BeardWatch2013 for his perfect 1:1 hair-to-beard ratio, Little Joe is one of my favorite Sharks.  Also the Sharks’ TV commercials were a highlight of living in the Bay Area for three years.  Enjoy Joe Pavelski – Lousy Detective, Joe Pavelski’s “Rest Homies” and just plain old Joe Pavelski.

Detroit – Jordin Tootoo

Things Jordin Tootoo loves: Instagram, his girlfriend, pictures of food and hockey fans.  He is quite possibly the most exuberant NHL player on social media (minus Biz and with zero snark).  Not only was Jordin the NHL’s first player of Inuit descent, but also the first from the Canadian province of Nunavut.  There’s a place in Canada where not everyone plays NHL hockey?  Dreams ruined.  Jordin is currently benched in favor of Todd Bertuzzi (DISLIKE) – maybe this will put him back in the lineup.

Chicago – Brian Bickell

A long-standing Foxy Friday requirement: Must Love Dogs.  Brian Bickell does.  He and his wife even founded Chicago Loves Pits, an organization to educate and open hearts and minds about pitbulls.  D’awww!  I know the sweetest pit, her name is Luna, and this one’s for her.  Brian also very gracefully handled the Blackhawks’ decision not to include his name on the Stanely Cup, and we love a polite guy.  In a Christmas sweater.

There you have it, even-stevens foxiness across the board.  Let’s see if it works.

Oops, am I late?  We’ve been celebrating Intern Jeff Skinner’s birthday.  He’s 21 today, so… we were having apple juice and cake.

And we made him serve it.  This is a job, people!

Jeff’s big day comes during the un-offseason.  He’s rather be in the playoffs, but how does Jeff feel about playing for Team Canada?  Proud.

How does he feel about turning 21?  Like an adult.

How does he feel when we tease him for having a girlfriend?

Haha, that’s about right.

Happy birthday, Intern Jeff Skinner!  Now back to work!

Happy 23rd birthday, Jordan Eberle!

Remember when we were asking:

Then we got distracted by the playoffs?  Well, meet Kevin Wheeler.

Please, no one disillusion me by saying Canada is not a magical land full of helpful neighbors, cops who give hockey-related high speed escorts and adorklable Jordan Eberle drinking  Coca-Cola products.  I’m in my happy place right now.

Actually, my happy place would be in Sweden for the World Championships.  Can I get a minute for Team Canada?  How did they get a plane off the ground with this much foxy on board?  Ebs, #TeamSchultz, Luke Schenn, #TeamHall, Gingeroux, JStaal and EStaal, Intern Jeff Skinner, Matt Duchene AND Stamkos!

Excuse me while learn to push a beverage cart and deploy door slides.

image by littlestaalthings.tumblr.com

We cannot watch this magic in America because we hate fun things, but it appears that Team Canada is undefeated in this tournament so far [link].

Is it a Swimsuit Competition?  They will never lose.  Not even against Sweden, who they play Thursday.

Ebs had a seesaw year, racking up points in OKC then struggling (along with everyone) back in EDM.  He/they had a pretty great year on WUYS – glad we could help.  Here’s hoping the Oilers make the playoffs next year, also make more Cabbie videos and that someone finally steps up for #Team RNH.

I’m not into reality TV (besides sports), but may I suggest a new program?

Penguins Bachelor Auction – Talent Competition

Episode One: Sidney Crosby’s sex hair vs. James Neal’s ginger beard

Somewhere, Pierre weeps.

Neal’s Strategy: Curls for the girls.

I’m just saying – NBC Sports Network is showing cycling reruns when there is money to be made.

Last night’s Penguins game really saved an otherwise desolate day.  Anything that makes Evgeni Malkin this happy is bound to have the same effect on me.

As we said in our Round 2 Playoff Prognostications on Puck Daddy:

Remember when smart girls were into slacker guys, like in Knocked Up? That’s Pants and the Penguins. If the Pens don’t get their act together and do the damned dishes in Round 2, they’re sleeping on the couch all summer.  

They did it!  At least for now!  Game 1 was a bit mad in the early going, but settled into a steady Penguins onslaught.  The Senators got chances and second chances – we owe you, Vokoun, now lock up those rebounds.  The Pens scored 2 of 4 power play chances and even once on the penalty kill (Duper!).  Strong from start to finish, that’s what girls love.

Game 2 of this series isn’t until Friday, but there’s no rest for hockey fans.  The Kings won last night and the Blackhawks/Red Wings start tonight.  Let’s go Hawks… I’ll be saying from inside the theater where I’m watching Star Trek.

Trust you guys can hold it down for tonight?

As you many remember, I fought the Caps love for a long time before finally caving in.  In just three years as a Capitals’ fan, our relationship has gotten very serious (obsessed, codependent – semantics).

As such, I’ve allowed myself until Noon today to wallow in last night’s Capitals. With actual shock I admit that I might not need that long.

Look, Caps.

Get beaten.  Lose, even.  That’s hockey.  But don’t you give up.

Last night, it felt like you threw in the towel after the Rangers’ third goal.   That’s when I got mad.  I’d get mad at myself, my friends or my non-existent kids if we acted that way and you are not exempt.  This is a family, damn it.  Calling you out doesn’t make me a fairweather fan.  I wouldn’t get mad if I didn’t f&!%ing love you.  I’m not saying sink the whole team in the Potomac and start again.  I’m saying COME TO PLAY and we will COME TO SEE.  You have to hold up your end of this bargain.  I don’t expect wins every night but I expect heart, and  I’ve seen yours before.  I know it’s in there.

*sigh*

Still, they lost.  No one feels worse about it than the Caps (which is saying something, considering how bad I feel).  You can watch the post-mortem locker room interviews if you’re a glutton for punishment.  Me, I’m trying to move on.

Here’s the post I wrote last season when the Caps lost to the Rangers.  While this is a trend I could certainly do without, it reveals a calmer, more admirable side of my pain that I’d pretty much forgotten I had.

Mikey Monday: Love & Memories (Caps Lose 2012)

Things I said last year that are still true now:

• I won’t get down on the Caps for their game seven performance because it’s not what I want to remember all summer.  (Okay, I did a little but it was very cathartic.)

• Thanks, Caps, for a season that was better for me than it was on the score sheet: more fun, more memorable, possibly more frustrating than any game recap could recall.

• Now “there’s always next year,” and the year after that.  But what I’ll really miss is what can never quite be repeated – the ecstatic, hilarious, infuriating magic that is a single season, with a single team, and almost always ends too soon.

Let me add two things for this year:

• I appreciate Ovechkin.  That’s new for me, but he earned it.
• Plus something I hope I don’t have to refer back to it in 2014:  LET’S NOT PLAY THE RANGERS, OKAY?

And so, I forgive the Caps for last night’s game.  I put my anger at the bottom of a bucket and drown it with all the Capitals-related fun I had this year.  To the players, I offer hugs and help packing suitcases.  Have a great summer, get tan, go to Stampede and waterfronts and post many ridiculous photos.

We will miss you and when you come back, we’ll do it all over again.  Because that’s love – and we’re family.

It’s Game 7 time.  Heart in mouth, prayer in mind, lucky clothes on body time.  Every superstition, every trick, every measure of defiance will be in use tonight like it’s the Battle for Hogwarts all over again.

Whether you’re watching Rangers/Caps or Leafs/Bruins, I defy you to make it through the post with your blood pressure intact.

Play this song:

Then play this song:

Then play them again.  I can hardly sit still.

Mr. Pants is gonna have to hold me down.

Before the Caps Game 5 win, Mike posted this photo.  Are you still standing?  LIAR.  Here’s hoping it works again.

Pets and cuddling and selfies?  Lookout, Landeskog.

See you tonight, hockey fans.

The Penguins have won Round One.

It wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t even pretty.  Well, maybe Game One, but otherwise the Penguins generally had their asses handed to them by the 8th seed upstart Islanders.  At times the Pens beat themselves, but as the series went on the Islanders were winning.  Fair and square they were beating the Penguins for long stretches of time that included nearly all of Game Six.

In the end, a win is a win.  It’s not about who “deserved” to win, because maybe that was the Islanders.  At least if this were a Disney movie.  They played more than good hockey, they played their hearts out.  The Penguins didn’t, but they fought hard against their own issues and still brought it to OT.

Hopefully the Penguins learned and when Round Two starts against Ottawa, we’ll see the team we’ve seen all year.  The team they can really be.

And we’ll see this.  It’s already twice what it was last season… somebody’s getting jealous of #BeardWatch2013.

Nealmobile’s ginger beard, on the other hand, is mesmerizing.  I’ll find a picture for you then you’ll have to cancel all your plans.

It’s time for our weekly look at playoff beards on Puck Daddy!

This week, we’re checking out who’s got the fuzz to take their team all the way in our: Stanley Cup Beard Watch: Power Rankings

I got home last night and Mr. Pants asked how the Penguins game went.

After a withering glare, and admitting to the 2-2 series score, he asked if I thought the Penguins would still win.

Yes, I do.  Of course I do.  They’re my team.

My optimism took a beating last night, and I couldn’t even see the game.  You know what shit sounds like on the radio?  Shit.  I won’t be using the DVR either, preferring to pretend it never happened and the Penguins aren’t doing the walk of shame back to Pittbsurgh in a stolen t-shirt with one broken high heel.

I also don’t want to see the fracas at the end.  A seething pool of frustrated rage still boils in my core over last season’s face plant first round loss to Philadelphia. If we are approaching that low, I’d rather just close my eyes and crash.

Regardless of these last three games, I believe in my team.  I believe they can turn this around.  The Islanders are playing very well, and much credit to them.  They never say die.  But the Pens are playing very poorly.

If the Isles’ best can still only manage goal-for-goal shitshows against the Penguins’ worst, then all we need is not their worst.  Right?  Anyone, math?

So, what is it that keeps up hanging on when things look bad?  Is it the knowledge that anyone can win any game on any day?  Do the agony and ecstasy of competition make this ancient struggle poetic?

Yes and no.  I don’t want to be epic, I just want to win.  For me, optimism is a mix of believing my team is better (than they’re playing now) and some Stage 5 cocktail of denial and dependency, spiked with stubbornness and a paper umbrella.  Tell the bartender to keep ‘em coming.

Of course the Islanders fans believe as much as Penguins fans – probably more, and they deserve it.  I’m insanely jealous of the fun they are having.  Still, optimism doesn’t care who is at the other end of the seesaw trying to toss me off.

I’m holding on for dear life.  Or Vokoun.

Seriously – VOKOUN.  We can believe in Fleury after we believe in winning this series.  Bylsma, the whole team is a hot mess but you’re getting one goal leads.  Give the guys a chance to make them stick!

Oooh, I’m getting psyched again thinking about it.  Come on, Game 5!

And now, a dramatic reenactment of Games 1-3 in the Penguins/Islanders series.

By Britney Spears

Not exactly what Britney meant.

Game 1: Penguins 5, Islanders 0

Oh yeah.  Everything they say about me is true, look how unstoppably hot/young/talented/perfect I am.

Sid: Are you talking about us?

Remember Flower’s wedding?

Game 2: Penguins 3, Islanders 4

Waaaaahhhhhhhhaaaattt do you mean Justin dumped me and I’m fat and tone deaf and I forgot to wear pants to this TV interview?

Sid: I can hear you, you know.

Game 3: Penguins 5, Islanders 4 (OT)

I have no idea what I’m doing maybe this will work RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH oh hey I feel better now.

Sid: You take that back.

The Isles deserve a ton of credit for the great hockey they have played in bursts through the last two games.  How about their crowd yesterday?   I think the Penguins should still have this in the bag if they can just even out their game.  The Islanders have been very good, but anything less than spectacular and it’s the Penguins beating themselves.

Bets on what Tuesday night’s game will look like?