Then we got distracted by the playoffs? Well, meet Kevin Wheeler.
Please, no one disillusion me by saying Canada is not a magical land full of helpful neighbors, cops who give hockey-related high speed escorts and adorklable Jordan Eberle drinking Coca-Cola products. I’m in my happy place right now.
Actually, my happy place would be in Sweden for the World Championships. Can I get a minute for Team Canada? How did they get a plane off the ground with this much foxy on board? Ebs, #TeamSchultz, Luke Schenn, #TeamHall, Gingeroux, JStaal and EStaal, Intern Jeff Skinner, Matt Duchene AND Stamkos!
Excuse me while learn to push a beverage cart and deploy door slides.
We cannot watch this magic in America because we hate fun things, but it appears that Team Canada is undefeated in this tournament so far [link].
Is it a Swimsuit Competition? They will never lose. Not even against Sweden, who they play Thursday.
Ebs had a seesaw year, racking up points in OKC then struggling (along with everyone) back in EDM. He/they had a pretty great year on WUYS – glad we could help. Here’s hoping the Oilers make the playoffs next year, also make more Cabbie videos and that someone finally steps up for #Team RNH.
I’ve been collecting a folder of pics and gifs, for that day when the world just needs more Jonathan Toews. Today is that day.
Happy 25th birthday, Tazer!
We all know that Jonathan hates fun.
He prefers to win, and win often. Luckily the Blackhawks are pretty good at hockey and Toews himself is alright on the ice.
Going into the playoffs with nearly every possible point, the Hawks are poised to make a run at the recapturing the Cup they won in 2010. It’s safe to say that we know what Jon wants for his birthday:
Yes, exactly. He wants the other part of this beard.
When he’s not derping, walking behind locker room cameras in his shorts or making fun of Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews is being nice to strangers…
… watching romantic comedies, avoiding cilantro and not vacuuming. Sounds like a date night to us.
He’s almost a full-time model by now, specializing in what you’d like your future husband to wear while meeting your parents at the venue for your wedding reception.
So happy birthday to the Captain, Cup-winner and a guy who makes everyone over 25 feel bad for not accomplishing more. He won’t have a party. He’ll stay home and do squats…
While waiting for your team to try him in the playoffs. Then he’ll hug you, when you’re ugly-crying after the Hawks run your team into the ground.
And what does he tell “visitors” who want to stay past curfew?
Does that line actually work?
How often does he need an excuse?
Yeah, we can kinda see it.
As de facto stand-in Headmistress of #TeamRNH (until we find a full time hire), it’s really rude of my to almost miss Ry’s birthday. Now he’s the same age as Gabe…. again. Honestly!
The Oilers are off tonight. Have a happy and appropriately of-age Canadian birthday, Molly Ringwald!
What is this gym – a place where Dexter kills people? Why are workout videos these days all filmed on the set of CSI?
Alas, on to the good stuff. Pushing…
Pulling. Dropping.
If there’s something worse than burpees, I have not met it. Matty looks way too enthusiastic about this and his forearms are incredible. One pull-up takes the dork right out of him.
If I did a push up that low, it would only result in:
Tell me that smile doesn’t sum up everything about Max Talbot.
Come on kids. Max is 29 now, you can’t let him outwork you!
Kudos to Max for being a jerk and leaving the Penguins, then having career-high everythings in Philadelphia. Now he’s even got an endorsement deal!
I’m proud of him. He’ll always be this guy in my book.
As a hockey blog, we would be remissed if we didn’t give a big, huge birthday shout out to the one…the only…the greatest of all time (aka the GOAT)…
Mr. Wayne Gretzky
The Great One turns 52 years young today! Born January 26, 1961 in Brantford, Ontario, Gretzky is without a doubt the best player to ever play the game. The numbers that he complied in his 20-year professional career are simply staggering.
894 goals. 1,963 assists. 2,857 career points.
In the 1981-1982 season, Gretzky had 212 points. 212 points, people. 92 of those were goals.
I just can’t even comprehend.
18-time NHL All-Star. 10 Art Ross Trophies. 9 Hart Trophies. 5 Lady Byngs. 4 Stanley Cups. 4 Lester B. Pearsons. 2 Conn Smythes.
All this coming from a man who by any hockey standards, especially today’s, was not built for hockey.
Wayne Gretzky is what you might refer to as a….
His size, strength, and basic athletic ability were nothing exceptional. As an 18-year-old rookie in 1979, he weight all of 160 lbs. And I’m pretty sure that was soaking wet, holding the Stanley Cup while wearing all of hockey equipment.
Then he ate some sandwiches and got his weight up to manly 185 lbs. By his own admission, he always finished dead last peripheral vision, flexibility, and strength during team testing. Apparently, he could only bench press 140 lbs.
So how did this guy become the greatest hockey player of all time?
Simple.
He’s an alien.
Okay, so not really, but some have accused him of having some sort of extrasensory perception when it comes to hockey – “eyes in the back of his head” they called it. In reality, Gretzky’s intelligence and his ability to read the game was unparalleled.
He had an almost superhuman ability to anticipate the puck and where it would be on the ice. He was a creative player, an improviser able to make split second decisions on the ice and completely confuse his opponents.
He was an ellusive player. Denis Potvin once remarked that trying to hit Gretzky was like “wrapping your arms around fog.” Gretzky even has an area of the ice named for him. Forever more, the area behind the net will be referred to as “Gretzky’s Office.” (Which I also happen to think is an excellent name for a hockey bar.)
He had great flow, before flow was a “thing”.
He scored 50 goals in 39 games.
He inspires deep thoughts from movie man Kevin Smith.
Since retiring from the game in 1999, the Great One was immediately inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame, the only player to ever have this honor. His infamous #99 jersey was retired league-wide.
Gretzky has kept busy as a coach, businessman, husband, father, and of all things, a wine maker.
Patrick Kane likes to party. In other news, Tyler Seguin is hot. When two things so obvious to the world collide, it can only end in Bromaggedon.
First, it was just casual hanging out. Maybe a Tuesday night happy hour, catch a movie in English with both French and German subtitles that cover half the screen (actual Swiss moviegoing experience).
It was nothing to break up a long-term relationship over. Everyone knows Seguin never calls before the three day mark anyway.
Then hockey started:
And it was like magic.
ACTUAL magic.
Suddenly, Patrick and Tyler are Lockout Life Partners.
There are date nights involving sawdust and shorts. Just two guys in matching outfits learning how to wrestle. It’s perfectly normal.
We all knew that Kaner & Seguin vs. the World was going to be something special. But did we ever think it would be true love?
Don’t hate the player, hate the lockout.
So it’s no surprise that at the end of a night, from the bottom of a bottle and again in matching shirts, it all came down to this.
Poppin’ buttons, er… bottles.
Go ahead and scroll back up. Zoom in even. Somewhere in North America, Toews is doing the same thing while polishing his death stare for the next NHLPA meeting.
In fact, Tazer’s on an Interpol watch list now as a potential threat for an international incident. P & T are rubbing it in his face, Tweeting and Instagramming and actually playing hockey together. Jonathan’s been dumped with #nofilter in that awful last-call moment when they turn on all the lights.
Whoever’s hip you’re grabbing at that time of night…
New shoes, plaid shirts, no problems.
Maybe Toews will rebound with a new BFF, someone on this side of the pond, to show ‘em all Kaner’s not the only one who can play the field. Take a few steps up the 1-to-10 scale himself. Got anyone in mind, Jon?
At least they could borrow each other’s jeans.
PKane better be careful when he comes home, because what happens in Switzerland is getting us all through this lockout.
Maybe we could just move there? If this is what they get a guy for his birthday, imagine what they’d have for us.
America, land of democracy. To prove that every vote counts, not just the people running the place:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, TAYLOR HALL.
(That sound you hear is Amanda and Jess crashing to the floor.)
Since Taylor’s living and playing in the US, his 21st birthday is a big deal. We hope he makes good decisions, or documents everything on social media.
Either way.
If you focus all your energy on something in a sci-fi movie, you can move it with your mind. If you focused the combined energy of this blog in the last three weeks, you could float yourself the Oklahoma City Barons. It seems only fitting that Taylor makes this blog by popular demand.
Taylor’s off IR for that shoulder injury and scored 38 seconds into his first game as a Baron on November 2. He also took a late-game 5-minute major + match penalty for a check to the head. The penalty was reversed and Taylor was not suspended. He has 3 goals and 1 assist in 5 games for the Barons.
If the NHL ever comes back, Taylor will start the 2013 season on a 7-year, $42 million contract. That’ll fill those seats. Selected #1 overall back in 2010, he has a career 49G and 46A in 126 games over two seasons with the Oilers.
He’s also part of our favorite present day boy band:
They’re even well-respected by other musicians, such as Snoop Dogg.
When he’s not playing hockey, Hallsy and his Barons teammates ride their bikes around Oklahoma City. BIKES. I know Middle America isn’t the healthiest place on Earth, but I find it hard to believe the fangirls can’t run faster than he can pedal.
Taylor’s a hit on Twitter (@hallsy04) – seriously, he’s so sassy he should blog for us. We don’t care if he can’t spell. He’s also on Instagram.
You can follow his Movember, um… progress.
Things around here have been quite heated in the Eberle vs. Hall Dream Date Debate. While Chuck and I agree (gasp) that we’re Team Eberle, we are beginning to see what you see when you see this:
Or this:
And okay, this:
So… new life plan, anybody? We hear the cost of living is really reasonable in Oklahoma City (with money left over for sock puppets arm warmers).
image by 
Pants
Chuck
dawncherrie
scott38
vincedepalma
