What's Up, Ya Sieve

The phrase “Fantasy Hockey” is especially cruel these days, when hockey itself is the fantasy.  But we held the WUYS Fantasy Hockey League draft last night, and despite the lockout I still made my picks count.  If we never get our game back, maybe we could just play some beach volleyball.

With an eye toward both winning and grooming, I’m going to go out on a limb and say my team is the best looking.  I drafted…

Tazer’s boyish good looks and sheer force of will.

Nealmobile’s hair, wrist shot and inability to put on a button-down shirt.  Which is like drafting all the points Malkin scores too.

This.  Both parts.  Didn’t even have to ask.

Bradley Cooper Ryane Clowe, in case we need an extra E or a water rescue.

Danny Briere’s perfection and all those damned playoff goals.  I’m not sorry!

I got these two, since they were flirting on Twitter:

Including the way iCarly peers out from under his visor.

And MDZ because even though I hate NY sports teams, I’m an NY girl at heart.  Plus Nash will need assists on his 200 goals.

My team always needs one Staal and one Ginger.  Done and done.

I also got Doughty’s, um… well, Dawn’s love for him.  Personally I think DD is overrated but his beard was aces.

Flower.  Because sometimes you need a string of F-bombs or a ballerina spin.

Since we’re probably stuck with that volleyball game for a month or two, I also drafted the NHL 2012 Prom Court.  They didn’t sign your yearbook, but you still think about them in homeroom.

Jeff Skinner’s intern-ness and celebration hugging skills.

Gabe Landeskog’s, um…

What was that?

Oh yeah.  And his celebration falling skills.

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins’ hair (lookout Nealer) and sheer potential.  (Same age as Gabe.  Honest.)

Finally I drafted a chaperone to be in charge of this show:

Teemu has been in the league longer than Gabe & RNH have been alive.  This could be his last year and I can’t let him go out like that.

Plus, someone has to buy these kids beer.

I’d say this team is a win whether or not they ever get to play a game.  Apologies to anyone I yelled at during the draft… no, I take that back.  You’re going down.

Marc-Andre Fleury was handsomely married to his longtime girlfriend Veronique on Saturday.  We bring you highlights from the Red Carpet Show, with your host Sidney Crosby.

Sid: This is Captain Tiny Pockets, reporting live from… wait, what is that?  Neal, Tanger, are you seeing what I see?

James: Uhhhhhhhuh.

Kris: Busy checking out #18 there, in his plaid jacket.

Sid: Oh my, ladies and gentleman, we’re not really sure what we’re seeing here, but it appears to be approaching.

James: Look away, it won’t notice us.

Kris: I’m staying over here, brown elf shoes are not good for running away.

Sid: It’s come much closer now and we’re able to make out that it’s, well… is that what we think it is?

James: If I can’t see it, it can’t see me.

Sid: Yes, yes it is.  We have confirmed it is Max Talbot, arriving for the B Movie Horror Convention at the Baltimore Airport Holiday Inn.

Max: Hands in pockets, this is how you do it.

Sid: No, we’re receiving reports he is actually here for the wedding.  He’s getting closer.  Neal, what plan of action do you suggest?

James (backing away): Allow it.  I look much more handsome and gigantic now.

Sid: Since he’s wedding crashing, let’s get an exclusive interview with Max.  Talbot, WTF are you wearing?

Max: This is my wedding suit.  If I take off the bow tie, drunk bridesmaids think I’m the priest and start confessing all kinds of stuff.

Sid: They won’t let you in the church dressed like the Devil.  Have you gone down to Georgia?  Brought a fiddle made of gold?

Max: You’re wrong, Romeo.  Girls love dastardly-chic.  They’re all going to get on this drunk bus, and you’ll have to walk.

Sid: You are not invited to my wedding, Max.

James: Empty threat.

Sid: Shut up. Here are Flower and his bride!

All of us: Sigh.

Jordan: Flower! Hey Flower! Turn off your cell phone!

Vero (looks at Brent Johnson): I don’t think that’s necessary.

Heather Staal: Jordan, you said I would be the only one wearing Canes red. Damn it, Max!

Sid: Ladies, please. We have a live satellite transmission from the Russian forest.

Geno: Здравствуйте!  Sorry I could not be there, my date was not allowed on plane in traditional Russian wedding garb.

Sid: Is that a Vespa on your shirt? Oh, nevermind.  Here come the bride and groom again.

All of us: Gorgeous.  Both of you.  Adorable French babies who can spin like ballerinas, now please.

Sid: That’s it for our live broadcast, thanks for joining us.  See you next time with… James?  James?  NEAL!  (Drunk bus beeps as it passes, Max at the wheel and James waving from the window.)  Oh that’s it.  I’m trading Paul Martin, I don’t care how many omelets $5 million makes!

(All photos credit to 25stanley.com)

The start of the inaugural season of WUYS Fantasy Hockey league is right around the corner, so you know what that means….

DRAFT DAY!

As much as we would LOVE to hold our very own Combine (Running! Jumping! Flexing!) and rent out an arena in which to hold said draft, we just can’t.  WUYS doesn’t actually make any money (yet).

So to help you create your ultimate fantasy hockey team, I put together a listing of my top 75 players fantasy players, based a number of statistical categories.

While I was tempted to take into consideration the statistics of  foxiness, awesome hockey hair, and hug-ability when compiling these rankings, I decided just to go with the good old-fashioned stats.

Pants wanted me to add a category for squatting ability and derpness…but I had to veto that.

I am the Commish, after all.  I have the power.

Before drafting your players keep in mind that our league is a “Head to Head – Points” league.  This means that teams are matched up weekly and each manager tries to accumulate the most points from each statistical category.  In our league, points will be earned as follows:

Forwards/Defencemen Stats

• Goals (G) = 3 pts
• Assists (A) = 2 pts
• Plus/Minus (+/-) = 1 pt
• Penalty Minutes (PIM) = 0.5 pt
• Powerplay Points (PPP) = 1 pt
• Shots on Goal (SOG) = 0.4 pt

Goaltending Stats

• Wins (W) = 4 pts
• Goals Against (GA) = -1 pt

Each team will consist of 2 centers, 2 right wings, 2 left wings, 4 defencemen, 2 goalies, and 4 bench players (from any position).

For those of you who are new to fantasy hockey, you can use the list below to help you decided which players you want to draft.  But you don’t have to.  You can pick whom ever you want.  Full list of all players available for the draft can be found at http://hockey.fantasysports.yahoo.com/hockey/1325/draftanalysis

The teams are set.

Bieksa’s Got Back.  Gator Goldfish.  Joey the Jr. Reporter.  Shut Your Five Hole.  Don’t Toews Me!.   I Laich It Hot.   El Coop.   I Like ‘Em Skinner.   Easy Being Greener.   Dave’s a KILLER!.

10 teams will enter…but only one will get Toews.

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