What's Up, Ya Sieve

Check out these gorgeous pictures from Carmen Mandato Photography.

Large, hi-res versions are on the website along with a few shots of other teams. People have asked if she’ll have prints available for sale.  She’s on Facebook too.

God, don’t you just love hockey?  And wish you had longer eyelashes?  And feel relieved that no one will ever photograph you this close up?

Maybe it’s just me.

I’ve seen this one, but never with a credit.  She should definitely get credit.

I wish I had photography skills.  At this range, I’d have trouble keeping a hold on the camera.

Thanks to Heather Weikel for letting us know about these!  Thanks to Carmen Mandato for taking such amazing photos.  (I added a copyright to all of them – please be responsible with other people’s work!)

Gabe Landeskog is featured in McDonald’s presents Time Out in Sports Illustrated, the same one that featured Intern Jeff Skinner a while back.

We sent Jeff out of the office before watching this because he gets a little jealous.

Jealous of Gabe, I mean.  Not our reactions to Gabe, which are mostly me giggling hysterically and Chuck madly pricing flights to Colorado.

Images from travcity.tumblr.com.

Then there’s some shouting: “Tights are not pants!” and “We need a new job!”

The culmination (climax?) of this campaign is the finished feature, side-by-side with this ad.

BAHAHAHA!  Accidental fantastic-ary or not-so-subliminal messaging?  Everything else I have to say is censored.

If that’s not enough, the Avs Charity Brunch will get you.  During the fashion show, Gabe escorted this little lady down the runway and they danced.

Like at prom.  Like the surprise bride & groom number at a wedding reception.  Neither of which you need after dancing with Gabe Landeskog when you’re 9, because you’ve peaked and there’s nothing else to hope for.

.gif from mistfarer.tumblr.com

The Avs are last in the NHL and their season will end on Saturday, April 27.  At least we can look forward to an entire summer of Gabe Tweeting photos and Sweden’s allergy to shirts.

There was a moment in last night’s Caps’ game when Mike Green scored and I yelled, “I love you, you crazy looking hipster!”

Now I see this and it’s all OneRepublic in here, “Is it too late to apologiiiiiiiiiize?”

Deb (@DLF1021), what would I do without you sending me things?

Mike is featured in this month’s DC Modern Luxury Magazine (Page 81) as one of DC’s Men of Style.  Based on this, I’m buying it.  Do not adjust my vision. Do not make me wait for Monday!

We called him a Part-Time Model… THIS IS NOW VALID EMPLOYMENT.

It’s still not my favorite Mike Green look, but I can evolve.  There’s a lot going on here – stripes in every direction, 50 shades of pink, is that the Avengers logo on his pocket square? – and it ALL works.  As long as he’s combed and clean, it’s a far cry from the caveman roster head shot!

“We usually have blood all over us after the games.”  Stop it, Mike.

As for the aforementioned screaming, Mike had two goals in the Caps’ win over Carolina.  The first was assisted by Nicky B, giving Piglet his 400th NHL point.  IT TIED THE GAME.

The second was, of course, also assisted by Nicky.  That’s how bromances work.  IT ALSO TIED THE GAME.

Henceforth, goals scored by your OTP (or just OTP for that team) shall be known as: THE ADORAGOAL.

Robin (@rockinredbirdie) is like Shakespeare, coining her own terms.

The Young Guns were all firing – Ovi had 2 G, Mike had 2, Nicky had 4 As.  Just to stick it to us, Sasha Fierce stopped Ovi’s shot toward the empty Canes net with under a minute to go, looking for that hat trick.  Hahahaha, JERK.

GAME TIED.  Somebody hug me.

We should get paid to test the critical mass of Twitter’s servers because when things like this happen, we do it for free.

Jonathan Toews in today’s SPLASH Magazine from the Chicago Sun-Times.

Is he in the shower?  What kind of newspaper insert is this?  It’s like the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog you have to be 18 to buy.

And who perfectly tucked in one side of his shirt?  IS THAT A JOB?

I don’t get this one, except he’s checking out his own rear view and that’s something we can all understand.

Cute, cute, his forehead is enormous, cute, cute… wasn’t this just taking place in a locker room?

Oh yeah, it was.

Tight jeans and boots?

Any second here Jon’s going to announce his debut country album, “Singing in the Shower” featuring the hit single, “Foggin’ Up the Mirror.”

You were thinking those jeans are too light, right?  A little too country?  Well they make ‘em tight in other colors, rejoice.

Apparently buttons are out.  We’re okay with that.

Check out the hands-in-pockets action.

You want to read the article?  LIAR.  No one reads Playboy about Jon for the article!  You can have some quotes here though, then get back to admiring.

The feature isn’t online (yet), but we’ll post it if someone sends it our way!

You all owe @alisonsykora for the emergency iPad screencaps.

PS: Go read the Toews Tumblr feed.  It’s like a 1D concert spiked with vodka in there right now.

Sweetie, your prom date is here.

You’re dad’s thinking, “Whew.  My daughter’s safe with this dork.”

Sorry to be late – the Penguins annual Skates & Plates benefit was a few days ago.  You know, the one where they get dressed up and try not to drop food on themselves, people, the floor give us something to blog about.

While I’m generally opposed to jackets with tails (on anyone but Mr. Peanut)…

(and Disney princes)

I can’t resist an event in which the Penguins make Matt Niskanen look like the Mayor of the Munchkin City.

Is ‘corsage pinner’ a job?  Related experience: I can make a poof in the front of my hair with one bobby pin.  Here’s my resume.

Kris: Are you nervous?

Sid: I hope they spaced the tables out far enough for me to fit through.

Kris: Well you look good.

Sid: Thanks.

Kris…

Sid: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh (tugs at collar).

Of course it was all captured on video, again by the Duper Cam and endlessly on Tumblr.  Revel in the awkward.

Next year I think Skates & Plates should have lanes of ice between the tables, so the players can deliver your food like a 1950′s diner – on skates.  They could add paper hats and a choreographed dance routine.  So basically the dinner would be at Johnny Rockets and sound like Grease.  They could pull it off.

(Photos from Penguins Instagram)

When the Penguins aren’t working for tips, they sometimes play hockey.  The first period last night vs. Philly was not one of those times…

Unless you think this is hockey:

Yes, you.  You jerk.

No I won’t take it back. I’m really mad at you.

 I do support this, of course.  Peeking between my hands yelling, “No no no no!” and then “KILL HIM! ROAR!!!”

Good thing I kept an eye on the out-of-town scoreboard.  People at the Caps game gave me stare down for freaking out as these three goals popped up.

My phone could hardly refresh fast enough.  Wore the lady behind me right out.

And when I saw that Neal scored in a somewhat redeeming fashion?  I attacked @raedanda, in her puple pants.  Duck and cover.

I haven’t even watched the game yet, but this is my joy.

Sorry, Sad Ginger.  (NO I’M NOT.)

While I’m at it, CHRIS KUNITZ!  Having a year!  2G/1A last night, he now has 31 points and is behind only Crosby and Stamkos for the NHL lead.  [CBS Sports]  He even tried to save Disco Dan from a flying puck Monday night.

The Pens also got a goal and an assist from Dupuis.  If Sid’s linemates scored 3 times, you know he had 3 assists last night.  From the Pittsburgh Tribune:

Since the beginning of February, Crosby has produced 29 points in 16 games. He has at least one point in 13 of those games. Crosby has recorded seven three-point nights during that span.

Crosby’s career vs. Philly?  13 goals and 20 assists in 21 games.

Yeah, that’s right.

Does the Tampa Bay Lightning team insurance cover mass heart attack when Steven Stamkos Tweets this picture?

My kind of climate crisis.

Before the close up, you have to sign a waiver saying it’s not my fault if you pass out, hit your head and prance off into an unconscious remake of Top Gun.

Shirtless – check. Beach volleyball – check. Mirrored sunglasses – check.

Wingmen (Nope, they’re both centers.)

There goes Obamacare, right down the drain, when we all show up at the ER in the same ambulance.  These guys are Canadian or Scandanavian, they already have national healthcare. [Larger version of photo]

Can someone explain why Vinny Lecavalier doesn’t age?  The only clue he’s not a robot is that robots probably tie their shorts up higher.

Old photo, no difference.

If that’s not enough to make you turn up on Gator’s Florida doorstep unannounced, Nate Thompson Tweeted this photo.  The Lightning is now everyone’s favorite team, hands (and dogs) down(ward).

An hour ago, this was happening somewhere.  Like Brigadoon.  I’d wait 400 years for it to happen again.

Guest starring Teddy Purcell’s ankles

“… to do with my selection.” – Sir Mix-a-Lot, Baby Got Back

JEEZ.  I go away and hockey throws a party like the Project X kids and burns down the whole neighborhood!  First things first – this Cosmopolitan list of the Hottest NHL players.

Hahahahaha!  Watching Grey’s Anatomy does not make me a doctor, so let’s not assume one Google search qualifies Cosmo to select the best-looking player from each hockey team.  Some things are best left to those who’ve done their blogging homework.  (According to Cosmo, they asked people to vote.  WHAT PEOPLE?  Calling only Phil Kessel is not “people.”)

Consider your source.  They were busy with the Sex Diet and these hot shorts.

Let’s take a look at their picks:

Washington Capitals/Mike Green – Well they got one right, even if they chose a useless photo of MG52 in which neither hair nor smile were evident.  He’d still win for the Caps, but let’s make it a landslide.

LA Kings/Jeff Carter – He’s a Cosmo kind of guy, don’t ya think?  Between stories on “Crazy Hot Sex” and “I’m Marrying My Gay Best Friend,” he subscribes for sure.  Chuck would choose Dustin Penner, I’d pick Mike Richards (I guess) and Dawn loves Doughty.  Zero votes for Carts.

NY Rangers/Brian Boyle – The hottest guy on the Rangers is Henrik.  Followed, in order, by Henrik’s bow tie, Henrik’s skinny suit pants, anything shiny that reflects Henrik’s face, and then MDZ.  It’s a tough competition, Brian.

Buffalo Sabres/Patrick Kaleta – So many head-butting jokes missed  here.  Tragic kingdom.

Philadelphia Flyers/Scott Hartnell – SCOTT HARTNELL!  Over the infuriating, shit-eating grin perfection of Giroux?  Over my foolish crush on the Briere family (they have a Boston Terrier!) and that time Danny had to stand on a box to be interviewed?!  I’ll be upstairs jumping off the roof.

Ottawa Senators/Marc Methot – Remember what I said about being a doctor? Well being a blogger doesn’t mean I know every player on the Senators. I don’t know this guy. I only know he’s not Erik Karlsson.

Montreal Canadiens/Carey Price – If you’re going to make me say out loud that Carey Price is the best looking Hab, there better be some priest-to-sinner confessional confidentiality here.  Brand new Canadien Brandon Prust will fix this problem tout de suite.

Detroit Red Wings/Henrik Zetterberg – The Beard.  The Swede.  The fact he is our age!  Fine Cosmo, you can have this one too.

Toronto Maple Leafs/Phil Kessel – Imsorrywhat?  Somewhere Joffrey Lupul is shirtless, riding a horse down the beach to bring you a hot fudge sundae asking, “What the hell does a guy have to do around here?”

Columbus Blue Jackets/Jared Boll – In a world without Rick Nash, Jared Boll’s eyebrows are pretty impressive.  Still I’d rather have an old life-size cardboard cutout of Rick.

NY Islanders/John Tavares – YES.  For every seventh grader who ever had a crush on her cute Earth Science teacher.

Vancouver Canucks/Ryan Kesler – Cosmo would never miss an underwear photo shoot, so Ry had this vote locked up.  We can’t really argue with the abs.

Winnipeg Jets/Evander Kane – Sure, if you like guys who call you from Vegas on phones made of money.  We much prefer Zach Bogosian’s overwhelmingly camouflage wardrobe (especially when he’s not wearing it).

Carolina Hurricanes/Jordan Staal – DAGGER IN MY HEART, but it’s true!  Intern Jeff Skinner is never going to win this, poor kid.  He even tried growing his hair out. Wah waaaaaaaaah.  The Staals are like a cult, or an offensive line, or the strapping inhabitants of some island where I long to be shipwrecked.

Pittsburgh Penguins/Sidney Crosby – In other news, water is wet.  If you like glass-cutting cheekbones, model’s lips and a body like a MAC Truck, Crosby’s my your  guy.  There should be a runner-up category where Neal and Letang wrestle/compare tattoos for second place.

Minnesota Wild/Ryan Suter – Just because your contract equals Zach Parise’s doesn’t mean you are equally foxy.  No voting required.

San  Jose Sharks/Brent Burns – Sans beard, Brent is a close shave for Hottest Shark.  Too bad Joe Thornton is Chuck’s high school boyfriend.  When she said “Chuck + Joe 4EVA,” she meant it.

Boston Bruins/Tyler Seguin – Another Cosmo sure shot, a la Jeff Carter.  If they knew what they were doing, there’d be a cover story entitled, “How To Hookup and Not Get Listed as This.”

Anaheim Ducks/Bobby Ryan – Cosmo picked him because he played in Sandy relief charity games.  We pick him because he’s funny and Tweets pictures of his cat.  A deadly combination.

Chicago Blackhawks/Patrick Sharp – From one magazine title to another… both wrong.  He’s perfect, we get it.  But any list without Jonathan Toews is really no list at all.  Jon would ask for a do-over, since he didn’t hear the whistle.

Tampa Bay Lightning/Vincent Lecavalier – Maybe in 2003, the year Vinny and his girlfriend where featured in the SI Swimsuit Issue.  But it’s ten years later and Stamkos is the new sheriff in town.

Florida Panthers/Scottie Upshall – People love Kris Versteeg but I’m going with Upshall here.  Spontaneous rapping skills not required.  If the Panthers went with this color navy for their uniforms, people would notice Scottie more.

Nashville Predators/Mike Fisher – He’s so pretty.  Too pretty.  We prefer our guys a little rough around the edges; a little more tall, dark and “I can put this puck though a bank vault.  Stand aside, miss,” like Shea Weber.

Colorado Avalanche/Gabriel Landeskog – Cosmo chose him for his, ahem, “leadership.”  Well he certainly leads the NHL in shirtless selfies posted to Instagram.  (This category is open, should another NHL player like to apply.)  If one world were full of maple bacon donuts sitting on a pile of money, and another full of stale bread held by Gabe, we’d take the bread.  Then invent new ways to burn off those carbs.

St. Louis Blues/Patrik Berglund – This is a legit choice, if boring.  Chuck would have gone with Alex Pietrangelo.  I would have gone for TJ Oshie’s phone and gotten myself Toews’ number.

Calgary Flames/Dennis Wideman – NO NO NO!  You need go back like PA’s and wearing PJ’s to Jarome Iginla, a handsome and distinguished older gentleman.  Or be us and pick Alex Tanguay, my long-term committed hockey relationship.  My lobster.

Phoenix Coyotes/Mike Smith – If Lupul’s on a horse trying to outrun Cartman Kessel for the Leafs’ prize, how would you describe Biznasty’s campaign?  His life is the social media equivalent of a pole dancing class.  It’s dirty, but it works for him. (Sorry Shane Doan.)

NJ Devils/Adam Henrique – Ahhh yes.  The devil in disguise.  Thank God he shows up in photos.

Edmonton Oilers/JORDAN EBERLE – Ding ding ding! We have a winner.  Cosmo is #TeamEbs!  Perhaps they are not quite so lazy and poorly educated as I thought.  Plus, Hallsy keeps needing stitches to the head.

Dallas Stars/Jaromir Jagr – I had to read this twice.  First – JAGR?!  Second – Wait, the Stars?  Oh yeah, he plays there now.  I know we took their James Neal away, but what about Loui “Crazy Eyes” Eriksson? Brendan Morrow qualifies.  They even have Derek Roy now, so if there’s no height requirement to ride this coaster than we think Jagr ends up sitting alone.

By my book, Cosmo scored +/- 50% on this list.  That’s pretty poor considering the joys of window-shopping along this particular glass.  Don’t you have interns who spend all day trolling Tumblr?  You could’ve asked to borrow Jeff Skinner (if you cut his hair before you send him back).

The season hasn’t even begun and Cosmo’s already set the bar around the .500 level.  No wonder they picked Kessel!  We know that’s not good enough to get you into the playoffs.  Maybe next year they’ll bring their A game… or just leave the surgery to us doctors.

Note from Chuck:

Our list > Cosmo’s list.

Yeah, I said it. We are superior. We may not be the best or most prolific bloggers on the interwebs, but when it comes to stuff like this – don’t get it twisted.

We got it on LOCK!

Whatever you’re doing right now, just stop.  It’s ruined.  Along with everything else in your life that isn’t this picture or a chocolate-freaking-milkshake into which you drown your feelings about this picture.

From The Fourth Period magazine, courtesy of Alison (@alisonsykora) Takeover Day.

You know the little girl in the movie Annie who says, “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!” over and over?

I just did a really R-rated version of the same thing.

SANTA, YOU LISTENED!

Dear sweet Mother of I Don’t Know What I Did to Deserve This but your girl here was apparently on the REALLY REALLY NICE list this year, and Christmas is a little early.

I screamed when I saw these.  My boss came running and found me face down on my desk pointing at the monitor.  She mumbled something about a “dorky white guy” and left me hyperventilating into a bag of Reese’s Pieces.

“These are a few images from a recent shoot at Longue Vue Country Club of James Neal of the Pittsburgh Penguins for Travis Mathew Apparel.” – Seth L. Williams Photography

Go to the Travis Matthew site now and buy more presents for everyone you know.  Hire Seth L. Williams immediately for all events.  Give these people your money, they have already given us the goods!

Endless, glittery, cupcake-flavored holiday hearts to @svenglass for sending this.  You are my hero.

LOOK AT THAT TATTOO!  Did I just say I don’t like tattoos (re: Mike Green)?  LIES, ALL LIES!

I love it.  I don’t even care what it is.  I will put it on the flag of the country I start when I win the lottery, buy an island and create my own hockey league.

Nealand.  Now accepting applications for citizenship.

James, don’t also start wearing tight pants.  Unless you’re going to call me on that phone right now (202-000-1818), I cannot handle any more physical description or idea of description or basic general approximate estimated information.  Or anything to do with your pants.

Ah, f&%$ it.  More pants!

Sweaters too… don’t leave me any chance of walking away with my wits intact.

This is so autumnal, so back-to-school that I really want to play flag football with accidental, full-body tackling.  Possibly in the mud.  Anyone else get that?

I can’t go on.  I’ve run out of semi-coherent things to say and all I hear is the sound of a cash register ringing in my head.

That’s it.  I’m getting coal and Flyers tickets next Christmas, but it was worth it.

Someone should check on me in an hour, make sure I’m still breathing.

Again, all these photos are from www.sethlwilliams.com.  They deserve a case of wine or a wagonload of gold bars.  Bless them, every one.

Esbee (@Esbee92) might have the greatest Twitter self-description ever: “I like boys. And hockey. And boys. Did I mention hockey?”

She was lovely enough to scan the current issue of The Hockey News for us, after I searched the entire east coast of the United States for a copy.  No dice.

I know that reading this article won’t keep you from buying the magazine, because there is an full-page inclusion of this:

Sport Chek ad campaign post – August 2012

Whew.  Onto the words.  Click any page for the hi-res (and hopefully legible) version of the feature.

I had to blow this graphic up for you.  If these projections had proven true, Crosby would have won the Art Ross Trophy in ’10-’11 AND ’11-’12, plus tied Ovechkin for it in ’07-’08.  He did win the award on ’06-’07 with 120 points (played 79 games, fell 5 points short of the below).