NHL MAN MADNESS 2016 WINNER: SIDNEY CROSBY

That shirt voted for Sid

66% of the vote went to Sid. He wold clearly have preferred 87%, but this is a higher percentage than he got in wins over Letang, Ekblad and Price. What can I say? We Eastern Conference girls have a lot to choose from.

Click for a larger version

So, you like Sid. Hey, me too! I didn’t even vote, that’s how fair I wanted this to be. Now that I know you’re right ( smile), what does that say about you/us? We also like:

• superstitions
• peanut butter & jelly sandwiches
• dogs

:: hearts ::

Things you don’t like:

• referees
• Flyers
• selfies

Of course, you are also fans of:

Are you getting my best side?

I mean athleticism, guys! From the greatest player in the game!

I went to work like this.

Oh, you are no help. If you don’t think Crosby’s the best player in the game, well, everyone’s entitled to be wrong sometimes. (jk)

Took him 10 years to get the roster photo right.

But I think most people can appreciate his… bonus features.

You thought I was going to say “assets.”

There are gold medals and a Stanley Cup and trophies all over the place, not to mention the Penguins hot streak of late. Sid was NHL 1st Star for the month of March.

Currently 3rd in points this season

And his 600th career assist, notched this weekend.

gif from wearelookingathestars.tumblr.com

You all know how I feel about Sid, and now you know how the majority of other people (who voted in this poll) feel too. I could go on for… the 5 1/2 years this blog has existed, in fact. But this is the .gif I have bookmarked in my browser, probably my favorite go-to Sid of all time.

Right in the feels.

If you’re a Pens fan, you’re really enjoying the games right now. And maybe a little extra in-game. Let’s hope we get to enjoy that all the way till June.

gif by maljic.tumblr.com

And if you’re not a Pens fan, there ‘s still plenty of off-ice Crosby to keep you, um, occupied.

gif from puckducky.tumblr.com

So congratulations to Sidney Crosby, NHL Man Madness 2016 Winner. The competition where we all win.

A+ Captain

PS: Super thanks to all those whose gifs are included here. Visit their sites, y’all. But only if you have nothing to do for about a week.

Took him 10 years to get the roster photo right.

Lindsay, Alison, Emma and I arrived from Canada and Maryland on Friday afternoon.  That night we weren’t at dinner 20 minutes (or one drink) before Robert Bortuzzo walked in the door.

Let’s be honest.  How many people in how many places would get excited about this?  How often is that one person in that one place when it happens?  Well that person is Alison and that place was Meat and Potatoes and I honestly thought it was the highlight of the weekend on the first night.  It helps that Borts is 6’4″ and can clearly be seen from across the room.  We ate (good food, great atmosphere) and presumably he did the same.  Alison did not fall down when passing his table.  The trip was off to an excellent start.

Emma, Alison, myself, Lindsay and Borts (not pictured).

Afternoon games are the best because you just wake up and hockey.  Saturday morning we managed breakfast before warm-ups, which found Lindsay getting politely razzed by everyone at Consol for her Stamkos shirt.  Pittsburgh people are the friendliest even when they’re giving you a hard time.  When warm-ups started everyone remembered Steven looks like this:

Right game, not our photo.

… and gave Lindsay a pass.  Don’t worry, she had on her Crosby jersey by game time.  If you watched the back and forth of the game, you saw Crosby score first and probably heard us screaming.  Geno had two goals plus the first star post-game on-ice interview.

I’m score. (Welp, foot injury.)

James Neal did what he always does when I go to Consol (both times) – win it in extra frames.  Last time was a shootout, now overtime.  He must know how mad he makes us sometimes – he’s that boyfriend who you keep breaking up and making up with.  As Emma would later say, “James Neal is every mistake I made in my twenties.”

After the game, we went to Primanti Bros.  You’ve all probably been there and we knew to expect the unparalleled marvel of multi-tasking: fries inside a sandwich.  America, Land of Innovation.  What we didn’t expect were $4 jumbo beers – how does anyone stay sober in Pittsburgh?  Yuengling practically flows from fire hydrants in the street.

After sandwich coma and a change of clothes, we did even more eating at Butcher and the Rye.  You should all travel with Lindsay and Alison – they make reservations at the best places.  In less time that it took Borts to be wished into existence the night before, Brendan Morrow and his excellent hair appeared.  We appreciated it for one moment… except he now plays for the Blues.

You can wish a lot of failure and heartbreak on an opposing team.  We wished food poisoning – and didn’t wish hard enough, based on the next day’s game.  We were busy planning knife-throwing crimes in case we saw David Backes.  Sorry Sochi puppies, but we hold a grudge.  Steve Ott was there too – enough of a directional beacon for hockey anger.

We were a bit stuck downtown and ended up at bar called Olive or Twist twice. Tumblr informs us that once upon a time, a lucky bachelorette party stumbled upon Neal and Crosby there.  (We hope the bride to be hadn’t signed her pre-nup yet.) We got only a sad guy on a sad guitar acoustically serenading us with slow-jam versions of 90’s pop songs.  His ballad version of “Bye Bye Bye” was a momentary bright spot.  There was in fact a bachelorette party near us – no Penguins to save their day, only Hootie and the Blowfish covers.   Still we were 2-for-2 on NHL sightings.  Well done, Pittsburgh.

Currently being painted on the side of my house.

Sunday was another morning of breakfast and hockey.  Penguins warm-up skate is always a highlight and they could make good money selling tickets for just that.  The game… was the game.  A strangled 1-0 loss.  Welcome to the stretch and the playoffs, where tension takes the place of fun!  At least we had giant burgers from Burgatory and cleaned out the PensGear store to the tune of Robert Bortuzzo’s only shirt sale possibly ever.  (Mostly kidding.)  We did get a Matt Niskanen intermission interview to match my new shirt and some incoherent shouting about turtles.

Too much… closer… perfect.

We nursed our mild depression before calling up @TheChadPGH to join us for dinner.  The hotel even gave us a ride in a van with a giant chocolate chip cookie on the side, and right outside the restaurant they were filming Aaron Paul’s new movie.  Got all that?  Dinner, Hollywood, Cookie Van.  We are VIP.

Chad was already at The Urban Tap and I have to think he wouldn’t trade what happened next for dinner with any other four girls who are not, say, SI swimsuit models.  It was that memorable.  We ordered more freakishly underpriced Yuengling and within minutes, Alison said: “I think Lee Stempniak is here.”  Yup. That was it – 3-for-3.

As we were still laughing, a tall skinny guy in a light dress shirt came in.   Really tall, like almost as tall as… and right behind him, a shorter, stockier guy in a dark blazer.  With hair like a Ken doll.

Me: “Crosby just walked in the door.”

Live reaction shot of me and Chad, hacked from a security camera:

Lindsay, Alison and Emma:

Life, in general:

That’s it.  I didn’t faint and the floor didn’t swallow me.  Impressed?  You should be.  Everyone turned to look – there’s no being sly in this moment.  Sure enough, Crosby and Borts again, joining Stempniak and Brian Gibbons.  Like normal people on a normal Sunday in a normal life where Sidney Crosby wears jeans and is not behind a pane of glass.

This is where Chad became a rescue worker in a potential disaster, keeping us focused, talking, alive.  Good thing because without him who knows what we would have said.  And how loudly.  Why does that matter? Because just behind the pole Lindsay was leaning against – Brandon Sutter.  He’d been there the whole time.  We didn’t realize until Borts walked by, squeezed between Lindsay and the table and yelled, “SUTTSY!”  Now, BSutts is Alison’s favorite.  Borts is on the list, and that’s rare enough, but truth be told he is no BSutts to her.  For Borts and BSutts to be talking within arm’s reach… this is Christmas, people.  It’s every birthday you ever had.  If Alison were shot from a cannon into a bucket of jellybeans it could not have been more perfect.

Just when we thought Pittsburgh had really over-delivered, there was one trick left.  The first open table was, of course, right next to the Penguins.  WHO GETS UP FROM THIS TABLE?  Who finishes eating and thinks, “I’m leaving to do something better with my Sunday night?”  The hostess pointed us that way and Chad’s reaction was just, “Oh my God.”

(You know I was the first one over there for the best seat.  I can fly.)

We spent the next four hours having an amazing girls + Chad night with the lovely backdrop of Sidney Crosby.  Borts too, of course, and Gibbons, Stempniak, Craig Adams showed up, Zach Sill, I think that’s it.  (Edit: Also Deryk Engelland.)  BSutts dropped by.  We pretended to care about the basketball game on TV, I accidentally ordered grilled lettuce for dinner (with cheese) and we kicked the keg of Yuengling.  There was some dreamy sighing and a comment or two about Sid wearing a blazer with sneakers, but we managed to be quite coherent-ish.  When it was over, Crosby and Borts left first then other people trickled out.

Now, I know most of you are thinking “WHERE ARE THE PICTURES?!”  Even my husband looked seriously disappointed when he said, “You sat near Sidney Crosby for four hours and didn’t even talk to him?”  He is not impressed by my motivation to (re-)marry up.

We didn’t ask for pictures.  We didn’t interrupt or talk to them.  We didn’t even discuss whether or not we would.  They were having fun (and so were we, plenty of it) being regular people.  It would have been awkward to interrupt, and even more so to sit nearby for hours afterward.  So while I will normally talk to a tree, and I did talk to Gibbons and Sill later, you’ll have to take our word that it looked like this:

And most of the time like this based on where the tables were:

Plus a lot of this:

And for the finale, this moment from In The Room:

Trust us: whatever you’re thinking, it was 87% better than that.   It might not have been the night for the best Instagram photo of all time – but there’s always next year’s 2nd annual trip.

James Neal being a shit.

Me not stopping till Neal owned up to his problem out loud.

Kunitz’s face.

Followed immediately by James trying not to laugh.

Jackass.  You can’t distract me with your shorts!  Do not make me regret this.

In my world, no one would ever say that leggings are not pants.  (Oh, those aren’t leggings?)

Tight hiphuggers, low fo’ sho.

Everyone would pack a healthy brown bag lunch.

There’s moisturizer in there too.

Nisky would get more camera time.

People would wear proper cold weather gear because they are Canadian and also duh.

We’d always look our best.

Glasses and plaid paints all the time.

You are not fooling anyone with this coy stuff, James Neal.

Everyone would have excellent posture and sit up straight.

They would never make fun of each other.

Or call people names.

Right, Kris?

Everyone would be happy to see us.

And we’d all sleep well at night.

Of course I’d have the whole thing filmed for TV too.   Marketing and management?  I’d hire me.

Better than anyone you know in real life.

This is from the party after the Honor Society show in Pittsburgh last night (says Tumblr – which is how rumors get started).  I’d apologize to this young lady for not knowing her name/crediting her photo, but I don’t think she cares. (UPDATE: Her name is Candace, and she’s very nice!).

If you can go to shows and parties, maybe you can smile and play hockey soon?

Let’s have some Monday morning Caro Emerald in celebration, shall we?

Update: Alison found another, RT’d by the band’s @RiskyBusinessMB:

That is almost a smile.

Update #2: Talking to the media at Pens practice… sigh.

From facebook.com/hockeymemepage

The last game I went to was a Caps playoff win and, as I said at the time [link], “officially the most fun I’ve ever had at a hockey game.”  The one before that, also playoffs, I dragged Gator out of bed at 7 AM on a Saturday like I knew something amazing was going to happen.  Then Mike Green scored the GWG.

If this is it, I ended on a high note.  Now I can look back at a few things I’ll take with me when we go.

Pants’ Favorite WUYS Moments (old and new)

The first picture I ever posted of Mike Green.  In the 2+ years since this post, our fandom relationship has had enough ups + downs to qualify as chick lit.

The Crosby Comeback (Part I).  Of all the things I could say about Sid – Where are you supposed to look when you look at him?  No place is safe! –  I love how excited I was for his return [link] and that it was a hundred times better in real life. [link]

The way these girls are looking at Jordan Eberle.  You can substitute another player (I wouldn’t) and some full-size chairs, but that’s us.

The James Neal shootout goal that named the Nealmobile.  It was the start of something.  I’m sure you can hear us in the screaming.

The blinding perfection of Steven Stamkos.  Also how high he can jump.  I don’t run away from just anyone in the street.

In Vegas, Intern Jeff Skinner won the Calder Trophy (even though I was rooting for Couture).  This is one of my all-time favorite posts.

The Toewsface. There are so many, each perfect in its own way.  Each one judging you.  Never mind the body it’s attached to.

Camp Biological Clock Biosteel.  And the start of this video where Nealer and Seguin check themselves out in the mirror.

Viktor Stalberg and Andrew Shaw show off their not-so-secret identities. Bless the girl who talks them out of their shirts in under two minutes, teach us your Jedi mind tricks [link].

My fondness for gingers hit a new high/low, depending on how you feel about Claude Giroux. [link]  You ought to be corrupted by now.

Speaking of: if you Google “hockey plaid suits,” we are 2 of the top 5 results.

Then I admitted that I love Danny Briere, right around the time he had to stand on a box to be interviewed. [link]

Gabe Landeskog discovered Instagram & Twitter, could not find a shirt. [link]

When Chuck’s team won it all, and I was really happy for her. [link]

Then my team won Pants vs. Chuck and I was really happy for myself. [link]  Now we actively hate each other’s teams, which makes this all more fun.

Finally I was convinced about Tyler Seguin [link], and Chuck managed to hold herself together. [link]

I didn’t do so badly myself, thanks. (Except for that Stamkos thing.) [link]

My one regret will be if I don’t see another Penguins game.  I’ve forgiven but not forgotten the end of last season, and I’d prefer to wash it from my mind with champagne poured from the Cup.  God, I was so angry at them [link]!  We all need a mulligan sometimes.

My feelings can be summed up by Nike Hockey’s new ad campaign.  What are you going to do, take away my Stamkos?  Sure they’re talking about the lockout, but they could be talking about the apocalypse.  Wherever we end up when this is over, I hope there’s hockey.  And Stammer.  Then cold is okay too.

Because #hockeyisours.

Mostly I hope you’ve had fun with us over the last 2 years.  I love this place and every hilarious, inappropriate, hockey-loving member of this little family.

And if the world doesn’t end tomorrow, you know what that means…

FOXY-POCALYPSE FRIDAY.

Try explaining this:

Three seconds into the game (yes, first period), the Rangers and Devils had three simultaneous fights break out.  That’s barely enough time to make a “Yo Mama” joke!    Gloves and helmets, report to the ice surface.

So what’s the story?

The Rangers have lost 6 of 11 in March.  The red hot Penguins (now with extra Crosby!) are breathing down their necks for 1st Place in the Atlantic Division and the Eastern Conference.  A slip would knock them down to 4th and a cage match for playoff home ice advantage with the Flyers.  The Devils have similar Feb and March records, and are firmly planted in the playoffs.  They could claw into 5th, or drop into 7th, but they’re going to make it either way.

Be honest.  Was it just because the Devils had to wear those awful green uniforms on Saturday?

No(t only).  There’s a ton of history and bad blood between two teams living so close together.  It’s like fighting with your bother in the back of mom’s station wagon on the way to day camp.  Just this year:

– On December 20, Mike Rupp fought Cam Janssen three seconds into the game (yes, first period) . [video]

– On February 7, Rupp and Janssen decided “why wait?” and dropped the gloves two seconds into the game (yes, again).  Bradon Dubinsky and Eric Boulton also fought at that time. [video]

So one fight at the opening faceoff, then two fights… you see where this is going.  In the six Rangers vs. Devils matchups this season, as a total of 22 fighting majors have been handed out.

Who are these madmen?

Each of these guys is a brawler.  Starting these lines is like stepping into the ring, gloved up and ready for a heavyweight title bout.  Last night was crazy, but every one of the players was well-matched and ready to go.

And what’s the point?

Ah, the age old question of fighting in hockey.  Some say let ’em swing.  Others, like this SBNation writer, think premeditated stage fights like this need to be eliminated, lest the NHL wax hypocritical about player safety.  The discussion over fights has heated up lately, with so many man-games lost to concussions and even Ralph Nader lobbying Bettman to ban brawls [link].  (Wow, was that a slow news day.)  Others cite the NHL’s nearly 100-year history of policing itself with a little on-ice law enforcement [link].

I admit that I laughed my butt off watching this fight.  Brawls like this don’t happen often and I don’t think allowing fights promotes fighting.  We’ve all seen bad fights – attacking a smaller guy, hitting someone who’s down, even a non-fighter squaring off against an experienced combatant (Jay Beagle, how’s your head?).   For the most part, the dangerous plays (hits from behind, boarding) are being addressed by the NHL, albeit with varying success.  That alone won’t keep players safe in the brutal, physical game of hockey.  But outlawing fighting won’t change that – it could even open the ice for big guys to run other teams’ stars without fear of consequences.  Don’t tell me penalties are consequences, unless we’re getting robot referees with laser vision and the ability to stop time.  Their job is the call by the rules.  A fighter’s job is sometimes to call by the heart.  Every hockey fan has seen a fight change the course of a game, because it’s part of the game.

Overall, I say guys who don’t want to fight, don’t fight – like Stamkos [link].  Guys who don’t fight but sometimes need to fire up their teams?  Well, they fight Matt Niskanen [link].  Neither way makes them bulletproof.  That’s hockey.

Last night wasn't Bickel's first dance.

What do you guys think? I’d love to hear from someone who wants fighting banned – there are a lot of good arguments and probably a million examples I haven’t considered.

James Neal scored his 30th goal of the season yesterday in Pittsburgh’s win over Philly.  This morning, the Penguins announced they’ve signed Neal to a six-year contract extension [link].  Six more years?! Excuse me while I…

The deal is worth $5 million/year (average) and will keep James in Pittsburgh through 2017-2018.  By then, you’ll be able to be a flying Nealmobile that runs on rainbows and wrist shots. HONK!

Okay, shameless Sunday morning celebration:

No, really…

One more?

You guys, come on.

Congratulations James!  It’s well-deserved and if his performance continues at this rate, he’s an absolute steal at $5 mill/year.  Capgeek.com has already factored in Nealmobile’s new salary and you can look at how it effects the Penguins salary cap for next season [link]. (Wait, Paul Martin makes $5 mill/year? Woah.)

Another thing I’ve missed up until now is the NHL All-Star Game voting.

I restricted my choices to people currently playing.  Obviously I believe Crosby should be in – he was more of an all-star in his few games this year than most people are in a whole season.  But if he’s well, he’ll get in.  (See the leaderboard here.)   I deliberately sent my votes where they can count.

1) Nicklas Backstrom – If Ovi gets in and Nicky doesn’t, someone will receive a strongly worded letter written in cut-out magazine letters.

2) Jonathan Toews – scored his 300th career point last night, overall superstar and BAMF.  You don’t see a lake named after anyone else.

3) James Neal – needs no explanation. HONK!

4) Duncan Keith – Did you see him rob Matt Cullen on a shorthanded breakaway last night?  Norris Trophy, what?

5) Shea Weber – 100+ MPH shot, massive blocking body, all-star playoff beard, friends with Dierks Bentley.  Scored from the cheap seats (and we mean in the net!).  Haven’t seen it?  Puck Daddy has it, they always do [link].

6) Marc-Andre Fleury – Forever holding it down in the back, never knowing who might be available to stand in front of him every night.  And for the off chance he’ll spin like a ballerina or sass Carey Price.

You can vote up to 30 times at vote.nhl.com.  I’ll let you guys win the trip to Ottawa, because I’ll be on my honeymoon until that Saturday. I’m missing the draft and  skills competitions in real-time, so Chuck will have to man the Twitter and express all of my squee-tastic opinions.

I Googled this photo, which led me to another WUYS post. Of course.

WEAR A VISOR.

Martin St. Louis was hit in the face during Tampa Bay’s practice yesterday.  He suffered facial and nasal fractures that can’t even be properly determined until the swelling in his face goes down.  This is the man who, in last year’s playoffs, had a two teeth knocked out, a double root canal and was back on the ice the next day.  We know you’re tough, Squishy.  And right now you’re “out indefinitely” with an avoidable injury.

Last week Jordan Staal caught  a puck near the eye against Carolina.  The camera cut to Eric, looking worried and probably thinking, “Shit, Mom is going to kill us.”  Jordan, who has been seriously injured by a shot to the face before, was lucky to have no structural damage and didn’t miss any games.  But he has played the last two matches with a visor.

There are a million instances of visor-preventable injuries.  Hell, even Pronger’s wearing one now after his most recent stick-to-the-face.  I think visors should be mandatory.  Remember before helmets were compulsory, and how totally asinine that seems now?  As much fun as it was to watch Craig MacTavish’s curls blowing in the wind, by the time he was the only bare-headed player on the ice he looked foolish and antiquated.

I know some players hate visors.  I understand how it can disrupt peripheral vision and create distortion when you look out from underneath.  Puck Daddy’s anonymous NHL-er “The Player” made his case this week, prior to St. Louis’ injury [link].  I wear glasses for distance and it was a long-term process to adjust, especially since I don’t wear them all the time.  But you do get used to it.  And if everyone wears a visor, any disadvantage is negated.

These days, with “player safety” as much the NHL’s industry buzz-word as “Kardashian” is to gossip mags, the simple argument of “I don’t like it” seems petulant.  People don’t like wearing seat belts or eating vegetables, but it’s stupid not too.  And when you get hurt, we can’t just say I told you so.  We count the cost in man-games lost, points unscored and positions left open.

Obviously a visor won’t prevent all injuries.  There’s also the issue of fighting, which the League hates to love, and the stigma of throwing punches with a shield on.  If everyone wears a visor, does everyone ditch their helmet and whip their hair before duking it out?  Who knows.  Don Cherry thinks only wusses and Europeans wear visors.  I disagree – I think smart guys who dream of long careers wear visors.  You’re going to get hurt playing hockey, that much is clear.  Limit injuries where possible and save your blood for another battle.

"Pants was Tweeting about you before you scored." "That's so nice! She's great."

"She thinks she controls the universe." "I hope she's right, since she likes me."

"It's a little more serious - she named her car after you." "Oh. Now this is awkward."

Stop, you can’t even!  James Neal is trending WORLDWIDE.  How many Tweets did I write?!?!

CHUCK:

Eastern Conference Finals: Bruins vs. Capitals

Eastern Conference Champs: Bruins

Western Conference Finals: Canucks vs. Kings

Western Conference Champs: Kings

Stanley Cup Champs: Bruins

We all know that repeating as champs is nigh impossible though in the NHL these days, but the Bruins only lost two players to free agency (Kaberle & Ryder) and 1 to retirement (Recchi).  The heart and soul of the Bruins are still here.  Bruins have arguably the best and deepest set of forwards in the game and can get production from all 4 lines.  Plus, let’s not forget that you have Tuukka Rask, a top-notch goalie in his own right, backing up Thomas.

Kings are my dark horse team.  After picking up Mike Richards and Simon Gagne and resigning Drew Doughty, the Kings look to be a serious contender in the Western Conference. They have good young netminder in Jonathan Quick and if Gagne and Anze Kopitar can stay healthy, they could be the team to watch.

PANTS

Eastern Conference finals: Penguins vs. Capitals

Eastern Conference Champs: Penguins

Western Conference finals: Canucks vs. Sharks

Western Conference Champs: Canucks

Stanley Cup Champs: Penguins

Like everyone else, I think the Capitals will be a force to reckon with this season.  It’s (mostly) selfish hope that they will carry it all the way into the playoffs, so I can have the longest hockey season ever.  But I think the Pens will be strong early with Malkin and Staal in, and maybe James Neal will get his scoring touch back.  The Return of Crosby will be like Willy Wonka somersaulting down the orange carpet to greet his lucky minions at the gate.  Chocolate Stanley Cups for everyone!

Much like the Caps, I think the Sharks are long overdue for a dominating post-season performance.  They’ve won their division the last four years in a row and made it to the Conference finals the last two years.  Ultimately I don’t see them beating Vancouver, but I think they can do better than last May’s 4-1 failfest.

So, let’s hear it – who are your picks to have a great 2011-2012?  Feel free to shamelessly back your favorite teams – we obviously have.  Don’t hate us because they’re awesome.

the food chain prevails ... nom nom nom ...

Bieksa the Berserker was the only one who knew where the biscuit was on the ice … with a freaky deaky goal in double OT and down go the Sharks. It’s 17 years to the day that Vancouver claims the Western Conference title in a double OT as well and will face either Boston or Tampa Bay for Lord Stanley’s Cup. I’d call it Freaky Friday but it’s Tuesday so go figure!

foxy friday alum ryan kesler - who was injured snapped this one by anti-nemesis for a biscuit

But riddle me this? I get that Vancouver was excited about this, but good gravy  why would you drop confetti on the ice before the presentation and then have your players out there skating around? Are you TRYING to trip them? Kesler was already injured and Luongo has a hard enough time stopping the puck as it is, he doesn’t need a greater handicap!

this is the only dance move i know, the robot, get it, sedin-the-machine, the robot, oh, if I have to explain it's not a joke.

So since I picked them for the Western Conference winner winner chicken dinner back in September, here’s a little ra-ra for your cha-cha Sedin-machines and Foxy Ryan Kesler and Bieksa-Lenta:

In 12 NHL playoff games, the Bruins power play has been abysmal.  Horrid.  Embarrassing.

2 for 41.

Seriously, it’s not funny. Chuck is not laughing.

After the Bruins dropped Game 1 of the Eastern Conference finals on Saturday, I’m puzzled.  Perplexed.  Flummoxed.

What exactly is Coach Claude was working on in practice?

"Ya, see that net there? Whatever you do, DON'T go there. You hear me? Do not go to the net."

They had 8 days to work on this disastrous aspect of their game.  Surely, you’d think that they stop practicing that rush-in-the-offensive-zone-then-skid-to-a-stop-at-the-top-of-the-circle move that they love so well (I’m looking at you, Brad Marchand), and work on the power play.  By no means do I claim to be an expert in these things, but I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to score when you have an extra guy on the ice.  5 > 4.

Why are the Bruins just passing the puck back and forth on the power play?  Point-point-hash-point-hash-other hash-point.  Boring and ineffective.

How about getting some guys in front of the net? Plant Lucic and/or Chara in front of Roloson.  Try to see the puck with those beasts standing in front of you.  If he can’t see it, he can’t save it.  Very simple concept, no?

Put SeguinPenguin on the PP.  Please.  Just once.  Give it a shot, Claude.  Throw caution to the wind!  Be a wild and crazy guy.

If it works out, you’ll be hailed as a genius and babies all over Boston will be named in your honor.  If it doesn’t, well, you can chalk it up to trying to give your team the best chance of winning.

Hockey Baby Love.

Bruins were trotting out Recchi and Ryder out there, and while they’re obviously skilled, they ain’t spring chickens.  Seguin has an excitement, a youthful exuberance, a fluffy puppy mentality that could make him dangerous with the man advantage.  He so happy to be playing in the NHL Playoffs, he’ll do what ever you want.  He’s obvious has the skill to be playing at this level (see video below), so why not give him the chance to make a little magic?

Also, why do you sit him for 15 minutes after he scores a goal for you?  Get him out there!  Maybe he’ll score a few more for you.

Yes, I am a Seguinista, if you haven’t noticed.

Admit it. Now you are too.

On the other hand, maybe it is not all that simple as we all make it out to be.  I’m not a fly on the wall of the Bruins locker room or practice rink (but what I’d give if I could), so I don’t pretend to know what conversations Claude, Cam Neely, and Peter Chiarelli have had or the inner working of a NHL club.  But without Savard (*sniff*) and Bergeron, the Bruins are lacking and they need to do something about it stat.

If we don’t, you can kiss a shot at the shiny silver cup buh-bye.  Stammer, Squishy, Roli, Lecavalier, and Finnish Finisher, Sean Bergenheim will snatch it right up from under you.

We're not Jamaican, neither is she.

EASTERN CONFERENCE

No.1  Washington Capitals vs No.8 New York Rangers

Chuck: Capitals.  Because I like way more guys on the Capitals than I do on the Rangers.

Pants: Capitals.  I have always hated the Rangers and I don’t want to see Dawn or Mike Green cry.  Too many early-round exits, time to deliver on some promise.

No.2 Philadelphia Flyers vs No.7 Buffalo Sabres

Chuck: Flyers.  Because I want to see Scott Hartnell’s beard get an assist like in those Verizon ads

Pants: Flyers, even though I don’t like it.  Holding out hope that Ryan Miller can shut it down.

No.3 Boston Bruins vs the No.6 Montreal Canadians

Chuck: Killer B’s, baby.  I hate the Canadiens with the fire of 1 million suns.

Pants: Bruins.  Cassy hearts Bergy and I haaaaaaaaaaate PK Subban.  And Carey Price.  And the rest of ‘em.

No.4 Pittsburgh Penguins vs No.5 Tampa Bay Lightning

Chuck: This will be a great series.  Penguins.

Pants: PENS.  OBVIOUSLY.

Trannysaurus Rex says ROAR.

WESTERN CONFERENCE

No.1 Vancouver Canucks vs. No.8 Chicago Blackhawks

Chuck: Canucks.  With the Sedin Twins, they’re are just too strong right now and the Hawks just made it in by the skin of their teeth and some miracle of math.

Pants: Hawks.  Because it’s nice here inside my delusions.  Considering crashing the power grid so they can’t plus in the Sedinbots at night.

No.2 San Jose Sharks vs No.7 Los Angeles Kings

Chuck: Sharks, but the Kings could make this very interesting….

Pants: Sharks.  Because I have teal nail polish that matches my free SJ jersey perfectly.  Also, Logan Couture, Rookie of My Life.

No.3 Detroit Red Wings vs No.6 Phoenix Coyotes

Chuck: Red Wings.  Oldest team in the NHL (average age 31.4 years).  15 players over the age of 30.  That is a whole lotta experience there….

Pants: Red Wings.  Imagine what would happen if they lost to Phoenix?! A girl can dream.

Wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

No.4 Anaheim Ducks vs No.5 Nashville Predators

Chuck: Predators.  Two words: Pekka. Rinne.

Pants: Preds.  Both teams have been so strong, but the Preds have really surprised me.

Give us your predictions, why you feel that way and if you think we are bonkers for thinking the Capitals and Sharks might actually live up to something for once in their lives.

So this is what happens when you’re Westcoast hockey playing one of the WORST EASTCOAST teams and YET you still get it in the back end because your WESTCOAST. Read it and weep my friends but you still won’t care ’cause y’all kickin’ it east coast. I was watching this game going WTF! At least they ended up correcting themselves.

being touched by god has its draw backs

Los Angeles Kings defenseman Drew Doughty left Wednesday’s 3-1 win at Edmonton with a pair of assists. After further review, he wound up with a pair of goals instead. The first two of the Kings’ three goals were credited to forward Ryan Smyth, a former Oilers star who’s still a crowd favorite in Edmonton. Smyth got credit for tipping two of Doughty’s power-play shots past Edmonton goalie Nikolai Khabibulin. But Smyth said afterward he hadn’t touched either shot. The NHL reviewed the video on Thursday and agreed, crediting Doughty with his first multigoal game of the season.

Doughty had just 4 goals in his first 45 games for the Kings after getting 16 goals and 43 assists as a Norris Trophy finalist last season.

Does this second goal EVEN LOOK like Ryan Smyth touched it?

Penguins: If you stay at #2 in your division and end up the #4 playoff seed in the East, right now you’d face the Capitals in the first round.  This is fine with us. Dawn and I will make up around the July 4th, after one of us is finished gloating about the Stanley Cup.  (Note: LIE. I’m still gloating from ’09.)

Flower stops unidentified Sedin twin.

Canucks: Dawn hates you.  But does it matter when you have 73 points and runner-up Minnesota has 57?  Are you just being greedy?  We suggest a division mercy rule, like middle school softball.

San Jose: WTF is your problem?  Chuck warned you that she is not doing the walk of shame home from your post-season anymore.  With 11 teams separated by 10 points all piled into your Conference between 4th and 14th place, you cannot let this one get away.  We expect a strong finish.

Don't you lie to Chuck.

Chicago: I can’t even talk about this.  I can see how hard you’re trying.  Too hard, maybe.  We need magic not mania.  Soaking your sticks in basilisk venom won’t make them horcruxes for the soul of last season.  (Too much?)  Take a deep breath and just skate.

Carolina: Come on, boys! Everyone loves you now and we promise to give intern Jeff Skinner extra credit for the playoffs.  Feel free to replace Montreal, NYR or Atlanta.

Stammer agrees to only score 100 goals on you. This season.

That said, we’re in no hurry to get to the playoffs.  The season can last forevvvvvvvvver.  Summers are for losers.

Staalsy got a 5-minute major, then a match penalty.  He’s automatically suspended for the Penguins next game unless the NHL intervenes.  We say Prust could steal Natalie Portman’s Oscar for this ballet performance.  Penalty? Yes.  Suspension?  We’re calling shenanigans.

[Wednesday UPDATE:  The NHL agreed with us, Staal will play tonight vs. NYI.]

Remember when Dustin Jeffrey got called up from the AHL this morning, played 19.5 minutes and scored his second goal of the night to complete the Pens’ comeback and win the game in a shootout?  From my seat it was:

The Penguins announced Jeffrey’s call-up at 10:45 AM.  He was magically on the ice at practice 3o min later.  He’s been called up a few times to replace Malkin, who is now traveling with the team but still day-to-day.  Jeffrey’s making a great case, I hope they can find a regular spot for him.

PS: Sorry NYRFan Steph.  I love living at your house, though.

Remember when Gronk believed in haircuts?

can't let a day go by without a photo of his hotness

ignore the princess on the left - fleury is adorable!

I think Geno and Crosby should just come clean like Zetterburg and Luongo and say, “I just don’t want to attend. Thanks but no thanks .”  Which leads to a whole other discussion, should there be an All-Star game? Because with the All-Stars dropping like flies – what does that say to us fans? It sorts feels like the ultimate F-You –  D-listed like the entertainment. Dissed and disrepected.

knee looks good to me

Well we do Drew! We do!

updated status: godlike