What's Up, Ya Sieve

Hey, I’m back!  Intern Jeff Skinner reporting for duty!  No one around here seems to care, since Pants was on vacation and leaves again tomorrow for her honeymoon.  Supposedly she doesn’t know where they’re going.  Pretend to act surprised when it’s Pittsburgh.

Come here often?

At least then she can’t keep telling me I should have closed my mouth in the NHL Tonight commercial where I’m pretending to ride the bike.  (She’s watched that far once, by the way – too busy rewinding Stamkos and his cereal.)

I made my comeback at Washington, but Pants wasn’t there.  Then we played the Penguins, where I took a pretty big hit from Crazy Eyes Orpik and had to go to the quiet room.  She didn’t even call!  I know she was watching!  (Editor’s note: She wasn’t.)

Hmmpphh.  James Neal had the game winning shootout goal and was First Star, I bet she called him.

Really? This guy?

We’re still not winning much and I know Pants finds it hard to watch, because she really does like us.  We beat the Bruins, but I promised Chuck and Cassy I wouldn’t mention it in exchange for extra Mexicolas.  We are also tied with the Lightning at 40 points.  I’m hoping that my return can brighten things up around here and offer some consistency.  When we win, we score a lot (13 goals in last 3 wins.)  It’s not too late to get this season back on track.

Want me to sign your yearbook?

Intern Jeff Skinner here – as in the ONLY ONE here.  Where is everyone today?  Jeeeeeez.  One Caps vs. Pens game and the whole place needs a day off to recover.  Since it’s Friday and we all know what that means… well, I’m just keeping this place open by nominating myself for Foxy Friday.  The WUYS girls go crazy for this photo and defy you to find something cuter:

We are having a tough start here in Raleigh, it’s true.  We’re two points ahead of NYI for last place in the East.  But you have to think positive!  I have 11 goals and 12 assists.  That’s #21 out of 738 NHL players.  Things are going to turn around with our new coach and Pants will be really glad to have Eric and Cam back on her fantasy team.

So happy weekend, everyone.  Hold a baby.  Smile with dimples.  And please, someone come back to work on Monday because I draw the line at posting about Mike Green (unless you start paying me).

Intern Jeff Skinner here, writing after my day filling in as Canes head coach.  A belated Thanksgiving to all you Americans. I got left in charge of the office this week, while Pants and Chuck said they were home visiting their families.  Even Cassy ditched me for some some American friends just because they had pie.  It’s my fault to be the token Canadian staff member in the office during an American national holiday! And they don’t even pay me for this.

Guys? Hey guys?

Anyway, I was doing my job and trolling Tumblr for photos, checking all the social media feeds and I saw that Chuck has posted photos of her, Pants and Gator at a Caps game.  Seriously guys? You abandoned me for Ovi?  I had to turn down Thanksgiving dinner at Eric’s for this!

Something's not right here.

Running the office was fun for a bit; I went through the candy stash and ate all Pants’ Watchamacallit bars, then drank Cassy’s Crystal Light.  I drew a moustache on Gator’s secret picture of Stammer (to match his real handlebars) and finally finished all of Chuck’s bagels.  A guy’s gotta live, right?  Then I hacked into Cassy’s TiVO and deleted the Wings v Bruins game, since she didn’t bring me any pie.

That's it - I'm outta here!

Anyway, to get my revenge for not being invited to the game or given the day off, I’m going to get Nealer to crank call Pants at 2am all week and set Chuck’s language preference to Mandarin Chinese.  Good luck Tweeting then!!  I’ll just claim the panda made me do it.

Blame Mike Green.

(Additional reporting by Cassy)

Intern Jeff Skinner is off today to stand in as acting Head Coach of the Hurricanes after they fired Paul Maurice this morning.

Hard at work.

With a record of 8-13-4 and EStaal struggling mightily, this is less shocking and more standard than Boudreau going from the Caps.  Staal has only 5 goals on on 89 shots – that’s 2nd most shots in the NHL, absolutely nothing will drop for this guy.  They’ve lost 10 of 14 games this month.

Wikipedia, font of all that is true, already says that Kirk Muller has been announced as the replacement.  We’ll wait till the Canes actually do that before putting Skinner back on fridge-stocking duty.

I went to look for this video and I typed “Intern Jeff Skinner” into Google. Hahahahaha.

And then Pants screamed like this and I said, "No, I am not calling James Neal for you. Give me back my phone."

Well Intern Jeff Skinner set his dimples to stun on Saturday night and had 3 points against the Penguins.  If I didn’t love him, I’d hate him.  He scored a scrappy little backhand lifter, then served up a pass to Tuomo Ruuto that was almost as cute as he is.  The third point was sheer determination – look at him trying to go through Nisky! – he would have scored it himself in another second.  Finns & Skinns, they are called.  So much cute.

Jeff leads his team with 7 G/10 A and 2 game-winning goals.

The Canes were 2-8 for their last 10 games and EStaal was having a very rough go of it.  He hadn’t scored in 10 games and was -16.  Saturday he moved to wing, off his usual center position, to shake things up and it worked:  EStaal had an assist and the GWG.  He’s still -17, but it’s a start.  Best part?  He watched Skinns to learn!

“I felt OK on the wing,” said Staal after the game. “It was a little bit of an adjustment, but watching [Jeff] Skinner a little bit in the first and second, I kind of figured it out in the third.” [link]

So while I never want the Pens to lose, I felt a little okay about this one.  The Canes really needed it.  Maybe it was the crap-tastic Capitals game we were at while this unfolded – at least the Pens were trying.

That is, Happy Jordan Staal Day everyone!

You may insert your own favorite #11, from this list of all active players wearing today’s lucky number:

There’s a legitimate campaign around WUYS to make it Zach Boychuck day, but we told Intern Jeff Skinner he can’t vote for his own roommate .  Especially when said roommate gives away all his secrets on Twitter.

Plus if you don’t pick Jordan, he’ll be pretty sad.  Don’t make Jordan sad (he’s already got the pretty locked up).

Intern Jeff Skinner here, announcing an Independent Study that I’m taking as part of my job with WUYS.  Why not do more work, eh?  It’s not like they pay me.  My objective (as clearly stated in my WUYS Thesis Outline) is to get Pants and Gator to come to Raleigh to see me.  I went to DC and they only came over for 10 minutes, then spent the entire time looking at Captain Eric.  I know he’s blond.  I KNOW!

I’m breaking out the big guns (and I don’t mean my new arms… this time):

See that bobblehead?  The one with the Calder Trophy we’re giving away on 11/14?  Match that to your Logan Couture teal nail polish, Pants!  But it turns out Chuck will be in DC that weekend.  WHAT.  How about wall clings on 12/1 – perfect for the office!  The car!  But the freaking Penguins are in DC that night.  First Chuck, then Neal.  I might have to call that James Neal up right now and give him a piece of my mind.  I have his number, did you know that Pants?  Oh, you’ve secured DCPD cell phone triangulation equipment?  Well FINE!

That’s right – I’m giving away a DATE.  How do you like that?  There are zero details on this promotion because I am mysterious and playing hard-to-get.  And in case Pants wins, because then we’re going to Canada and I’m drinking a beer.  I can do that now.

Once around the tree, the fox chased the rabbit...

You guys should enter the contest – it’s right here [link].  Pants already entered, I checked.  If you won, we could go apple picking or Christmas caroling and she’d be really jealous.  We could go to Eric’s for pre-game meal, then I’d give you a jersey and score you a goal and everything.  I hear girls love that stuff.  Then I’d be all shy and embarrassed when they ask about you post-game but I’ll just say that I could hear you cheering loudest of all.

Sigh.  That sounds pretty good, eh?  I hope you win.  Yes, you.  I’ll post lots of pictures of our date on WUYS and not even bring Pants a Mexicola that day.  Then she’ll have to come to Carolina.

A bunch of you sent us this link and I’m so sorry that I’m slow in posting.  I was laugh-crying so hard I couldn’t type.

Some gems from this fantastic game show:

Most Uncomfortable: Intern Jeff Skinner’s “short shifts” apparently translate off the ice.  Is he old enough to be making these jokes?

Best Admission of Guilt: “This is awkward.” – Intern Jeff Skinner

Good Will Hunting Award: Tyler Seguin’s fractions – 4.2, 4.3

Best Time to Cheat: “A lot of women watch this.” – Cabbie to Seguin as he grades his own ‘stick handling’

Best Answer That Isn’t Cheating: “Soft mitts off the ice.” – Stammer gives himself a 5 for ‘stick handling’

But the best best best overall part of this video?  James Neal & Steven Stamkos LOVE each other.  Intern Jeff Skinner really knows how to keep his job around here.

Dear Cabbie, please host the NHL Awards.  Dear NHL, you know I’m right.

Intern Jeff Skinner here, reporting from the field.  Is there some kind of dictionary for girls?  I cannot understand a word said in the WUYS office since that Kris Letang video.  It’s like an Justin Bieber concert!  Sure, he makes carrying Pants’ purse look waaaaaaay too easy but I am an athlete too.  And I’ve been getting pretty buff this summer.

The BioSteel Sports Camp is on now, and since workout videos are all the rage I’m pretty happy with this one.  You don’t see Biz doing any lifts, do you?  Seguin’s not pumping any iron in these clips!

Of course they film Stamkos doing plate hauls while I’m doing dead lifts – dead lifts look so stupid!  Not that you would notice, because Gator fainted and had to be revived in time for the earthquake drill.

The BioSteel Camp is tough – and I can concentrate now that my phone battery melted.  I need an external hard drive to process all the texts I got:

Chuck: Incoherent punctuation-riddled messages about Tyler Seguin checking himself out in every reflective surface

Gator: Streaming video from Legally Blonde so I can cut Stammer’s hair, or at least get him to Bend & Snap

Pants: Why is no one paying attention to James Neal?!  Nealmobile! Followed by the word HONK about two hundred thousand times.

It’ll be so easy for me to change the water cooler bottle this season – the WUYS girls are going to love it.  Now you can watch the video if you promise to speak English again and stop squealing.  And pay my cell phone bill.

I went to work early this morning and put the Calder Trophy on Pants’ desk.  It’s really shiny.  Then I drew a (second) mustache on her Logan Couture poster and now I’m buying myself a huge breakfast on the corporate card.

I’m not bragging, but I did win.  And Vegas was really fun, even if Tyler Seguin never returned my calls about how to go out dancing when you’re clearly underage, or what the point is of wearing a belt.

In case you didn’t see my speech, I was kinda nervous.  Okay super nervous.  It was like prom times a hundred and I hope all the Seventeen readers (and WUYS girls) were pleased with the suit they chose.  I thanked everyone I could think of – I mean everyone – but I forgot to mention Pants.  I felt so terrible that I made Couture drunk dial her and sing the Jaws theme song from the pool party.

If only they’d done the Calder at the end of the show, I’d have felt better.  It was all awkward all the time and at least I didn’t have to hug the Real Housewives!  I mean, girls make me nervous enough already.

Now that I am an award-winner, I might have to ask for a raise.  Or an allowance.  The girls know I work hard and I’m really good at organizing the ponytail holders they leave around the office (thin for everyday, thick for the gym).  They could pay me Canadian minimum wage, and I could do yard work.  Gotta stay in shape so I can win more awards next season.