What's Up, Ya Sieve

So it’s Monday morning and I’ve already torn my jeans and gotten the wrong ice tea from Dunkin Donuts.  Everyone in DC is off work except for me, because the movie industry does not care about the alleged discovery of the New World.

Sorry Columbus.  There’s only one way to save this Monday:

New Mike Green Workout Videos!

Something called Bear Mountain, which involves squats [link]

Sled Pushes [link]

And the best – Explosive Kesier Rotations [link], clearly directed by me.

“Okay, ready Mike?”

“Action.”

“Let’s try another camera angle.”

“Hey, I found the zoom.”

“And the super slow motion button.”

“Now Mike, does this workout have anything to do with you scoring two goals in your first playoff game in 2008?”

“Yeah, probably not, but let’s see the big goal video anyway [link], since it has infographics and innuendo-like captions.”

“That’s the kind of math we can understand.  Now, any chance you’ll show us your long hair?”

“Eh, almost.  Maybe next Monday.”

Well look who got a haircut:

It’s because I’m going to the Canadian Embassy for a work thing today, and he wanted to look all clean-cut and charming.  So if you don’t hear from me…

Back to Tazer, as this this kind of thing is big news these days.  Until MG52′s hair makes a public appearance, I don’t know where I’m going to find my #longhairdontcare Stamkos substitute.

JT talks about #theplayers hashtag on the NHLPA practice jerseys and not knowing anything about Twitter (video).  It’s probably best in case Jess (@jfrancesw) ever really works up the nerve to talk to him.  She can just practice her 140 character pick-up lines on us until it happens.

Jess was here.  We were not.  Captured by Emily (@captainderp19)

What if Tazer Tweeted?  What would he say?  There would definitely be enough room, he’d never resort to random abbreviations to squeeze in extra words.

@ThatsCaptainToYou19 – Hey girl.

@ThatsCaptainToYou19 – Hey girl.

@ThatsCaptainToYou19 – Hey girl.

@ThatsCaptainToYou19 – Kid, tell your sister I said hey.

 And the real reason Jonathan Toews doesn’t have Twitter:

Max Talbot will be the hero of this lockout. Flyer or not, we cannot live with him in this terrible time.

Hold on, I can’t stop laughing.

Max is one commercial away from being the Old Spice guy at this point.  Sexy as all get out, no shame and knows that women love a guy with a sense of humor.  Clearly his friends are in love with him – listen to them in the background.

You are powerless to resist.

Also, archery is hot.  Katniss and Brave aside, Disney’s Robin Hood with the foxes is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I even took archery lessons, and Max is good.  Really good.  The jug of water is close range but to hit something small and moving?  Maybe they did twenty takes, or just got really, really lucky.

Be honest, you’re thinking about getting really lucky too.

Shot through the heart.

Max doesn’t crack a smile in this or the one-finger push-up workout video.  Deadpan reaction shots kill me!  I’m crying/laughing while my brain sings “Every Thing I (I Do It For You).”  Thanks to Talbo for 52 seconds of forgetting the lockout.  When is Giroux going to make a guest-appearance in one of these gems?  Maybe they make plates at Color Me Mine or try gator wrestling?

For further lockout distraction homework, I suggest the BBC Robin Hood series from a few years back.  You will not be disappointed (and you can borrow my DVDs).  Just like real life –  where I should hate the Flyers bad guys by definition – I am so Team Gisbourne/Allan that it confuses and frightens me.

And there is archery.  See?  Happens every day.

Thanks to everyone who sent this to us – Melissa (@M_Gagermeier), Macy (@WestSideZag), Deb (@DLF1021) and Amanda (@amandalitty).  What are you guys, on Max’s mailing list?

I should be going to the Caps first pre-season game tonight.  I should be rocking the red and bouncing around the office like a shaken can of soda.

Instead I am despondent, miserably face-down on a couch wearing an ugly Christmas sweater while “All By Myself” plays on a loop.

When what I really want is to show Bettman what happens when he comes between me and my boys on Date Night.

To ease the pain, Allison (@ajshanus) made this video, featuring a hundred of my favorite hockey moments from last season and all-time.  From a Holtby playoff save to the Landeskog celebration fall, I may just watch this all day while eating an entire chocolate cake.  There’s Sid, cracking up during the national anthem, followed by him getting plowed over by Giroux (if you’re into that kind of thing).  Stamkos’ busted face, Eberle’s Goal of the Year.  Bench celebrations and goal celebrations and that exact moment when the Penguins won the Cup and I was hysterical, alone, in my empty office back in San Francisco.

And this is why I can’t stop waiting, why I’ll be right back in the stands and in front of my TV on the very first day there is something to see.

Amazing work, Allison.  I hope you all wore waterproof mascara today.

I love you guys so much.  I’m home alone, laughing like Tom Hanks in The Money Pit because you send me the best stuff.  Specifically Amanda (@amandalitty) and Deb (@DLF1021)  who tonight sent this:

Leave it to Max to make the dirtiest-sounding workout video of all time – while wearing head-to-toe sweats.

#1: This workout.  Making other sweatpants jealous worldwide.

#2: This disguise.  I was thinking, “That’s not Max.” Why the hood?  When I can see a picture of your esophagus on Google because that’s how you kiss drunk chicks in bars?  When the camera cuts behind the pillar, I figured Max and the stunt double switched places for the big reveal.

#3: This trainer.  “Push it!”  ”Keep it tight!” “Niiiiiiiiiiiice” with the throaty growl.  If you let the kissing (see #2) happen, this is what you end up hearing from Max all night.

#4: This cameraman!  “Remember the thing from last week? You don’t want to talk about it.  Just one more time.  Please, please.”  If #2 leads to #3, then #3 leads to this and suddenly your amateur late-night debut is being live streamed to the Philadelphia Flyers player phone tree.

I swear.  Close your eyes and listen.  Maybe not at work though, because your boss will never believe this is the sound of fully-clothed activity.

As ever, Max leaves us all blushing.

Yesterday was pretty great.  What more could you want out of a vacation day spent shoveling mulch and mixing concrete?

Me, some guy, Josie, some other guys and Rhea

You should all come to the Kaboom Caps playground build next year, but only if you’re prepared to work your butts off.  We had a great time building equipment, even if it took a few tries, and doing manual labor on a gorgeous day.  Team Tiana – obviously we were assigned to a Princess team – included me, Jen (who refers to Nicky B as “Hanson” and then takes off singing) and  the awesome Josie (@jgoggs23) and Rhea (@raedanda).

Sure beats a day at the office.

Mike, Nick and Brooks arrived around 1 PM, did a bunch of interviews and then got right to work.  I don’t know why that impresses me so much because they look capable of lifting my car, but they were shoveling, carrying, raking and sweating with the rest of us.  Nicky accidentally shoveled mulch all over Josie – not exactly what she meant by “getting dirty,” but she’ll take it.

Josie and Nick make a great team.

One of the ladies who lived in the development said, “Hey, hockey player, let me get your autograph!” and he said, “Just the hockey player? That’s her then,” and pointed at me.  It was all chipmunk cheeks and talking about yard work – seriously, he’s Piglet.  He is also STRAPPING: that is the only word for him and must be in all caps at all times.  There should be a few !!!!!! too.

 (In)action shot

Sometime later, Mike grabbed a rake and started helping me.  It wasn’t even Monday!  I said, “Hi Mike,” like I’m a normal human and not the King from The King’s Speech trying to get all those words out at the end with the whole world listening.  Really impressive stuff.

Me and Mike, doing work.

He asked how I was and I replied, “OhmyGodIloveyourhair!” (or something) and we talked about the playground.  I managed not to put the rake through my leg.

Like I said: impressive.

I was almost a chalk outline on this patch of mulch.

He was soft-spoken, really nice and was just so… Mike Green.  Hormone tsunami warning.  Later we carried easels and on the way back,  I asked him for a picture.

If you’re keeping score at home, that’s two coherent conversations.

All roads lead to Mike.

He even smiled!  I’m pretty sure gravity multiplied and a bird dropped straight out of the sky.  He’s tall and healthy and gorgeous and scruffy.  His hair’s all long under that hat, I know it.  Please season, start on time….

Okay, now you just want more pictures:

Passing the weight limit test

Team Bromance

Brooks speaks perfectly about being perfect.

Skinny jeans, construction edition

The playground turned out beautifully, the day was really well-organized and there were lots of snacks.  The kids all got off the school bus to a totally revamped park and they were tiny balls of running and shouting happiness!

 At the end of the day, Rhea won a jersey signed by the whole team:

And Nicky said, “Give me a hug.”  How lucky can one girl be?!

It was great to meet Stacey, Alli (@alliknode) and her son Connor, who knows the way to my heart is through an awesome fauxhawk.  He was the hit of the party!  Check him out in the Caps Playground Build video, along with Rhea and Slapshot dancing.  Also District Sports Page has a ton of photos, including our group shot above and great one of Connor, Mike and Brooks.  Capitals Outsider also features Connor, of course.

Thanks again to Robin (@rockinredbirdie) for sending this in time for us to sign up!  I owe you some beers, girl.

Do you think Gabe Landeskog bought stock in Facebook, right before they acquired Instagram?  That would explain all the photos this summer – just driving up his portfolio value.  Imagine if you could make money off this!

Look at his thighs.

No really, look at them.

(Thanks to @RealScarlett01 and @Shannysland for reminding us that  squats are now a universal, inalienable right to which we are entitled and grateful.)

Oh wait…

He was born in Sweden.

Since that won’t work, I guess we’ll just have to settle for “Captain.”

 This is my Captain face.

Today, the Avalanche made history by making the 19-year-old the youngest captain in NHL history.

Take that, Sidney Crosby.

Landeskog is 19 year, 286 days old – 11 days younger that Captain Awkward Pockets who was 19 years, 297 days old when he was given the “C” waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in May 2007.

This move to make Landeskog the captain comes after Milan Hejduk announced that he was giving up his role as the Avalanche’s captain.  He will continue to serve as an alternate captain, along with Paul “Bang Bang Bang” Stastny.

Landeskog will be just the 4th captain in Avalanche history, the 11th captain in Avs/Nordiques history, and only the third European born player to serve as captain.

Who’s got thumbs and is the youngest captain in the NHL?
THIS GUY!

It’s no secret that Foppa 2.0 is a huge favorite here at WUYS.

He’s just so darn awesome that we can’t contain ourselves.

somuchlandeskoging.

He’s been named a Foxy Friday.

We adore his twitter wikkid hahd corah.

And we lauded his feats of super-human hockey strength.

He possesses all the qualties that a future NHL superstar should have – talent, bucket loads of charisma, excellent camera presence, and a face that could launch a thousand ships.

We are card-carrying members of the Gabriel Landeskog fan club and today’s announcement makes us really happy.

Now if we can only sort out that whole NHL vs. NHLPA business…

Peep this, ladies.

Labor Day is “dedicated to the social and economic achievements of American workers,” according to the US Government.  To celebrate manual labor and capitalism, some of us have signed up for this:

Mike and Nicky and Brooks?  Oh my.  And playgrounds don’t have lockouts so this is really the best Plan B: Bonus in the world.  Registration is closed now, but if you’ve signed up please let me know!

A huge thanks to Robin (@rockinredbirdie) for making sure I didn’t miss this.  Also to Rae and Josie (who I hope signed up) and my friend Jen who only knows Nicky because she calls him Hanson and said, ” You had me at Mmmbop.”  Based on the entire house she’s renovating, she’ll have this locked up in an hour and we can all go for breakfast.

As for me, I’ve done a playground build, a deck and helped put an edition on my house.  Toolbelt and everything.  But that was with my dad.  Should we be taking bets on whether I’m able to operate simple tools in this company?

Another day.  Another video from Camp BioSteel.

Nealmobile!

FINALLY!  We were beginning to wonder about him….

He looks like he just woke up and hasn’t had his Paul Martin omelet yet.

Get that boy a bagel, stat.

BTW – Love that guy’s stank face on the right. It’s as if he realizes he’ll never be as good as Nail Yakupov.

This video, while not nearly exciting as Day 1 or Day 2, does have hot guys sprinting.

Obviously, they are participating in some hockey version of “The Hunger Games”, sprinting all out for the cornucopia and that backpack.

Our money is on Tyler Seguin.  He’s got that look of a Career Tribute.

For us personally, we’d like to see more working out in these videos.

More Steven Stamkos leaping tall buildings in a single bound.

More Tyler Seguin tossing medicine balls like they are nerf balls.

More shirtless massage montages.

And less of this.

His body is bangin’ for sure, but this caterpillar of a mustache just totally ruins it for us.

Especially when it makes him look like Luigi from Super Mario Brothers.