What's Up, Ya Sieve

I’m not into reality TV (besides sports), but may I suggest a new program?

Penguins Bachelor Auction – Talent Competition

Episode One: Sidney Crosby’s sex hair vs. James Neal’s ginger beard

Somewhere, Pierre weeps.

Neal’s Strategy: Curls for the girls.

I’m just saying – NBC Sports Network is showing cycling reruns when there is money to be made.

Last night’s Penguins game really saved an otherwise desolate day.  Anything that makes Evgeni Malkin this happy is bound to have the same effect on me.

As we said in our Round 2 Playoff Prognostications on Puck Daddy:

Remember when smart girls were into slacker guys, like in Knocked Up? That’s Pants and the Penguins. If the Pens don’t get their act together and do the damned dishes in Round 2, they’re sleeping on the couch all summer.  

They did it!  At least for now!  Game 1 was a bit mad in the early going, but settled into a steady Penguins onslaught.  The Senators got chances and second chances – we owe you, Vokoun, now lock up those rebounds.  The Pens scored 2 of 4 power play chances and even once on the penalty kill (Duper!).  Strong from start to finish, that’s what girls love.

Game 2 of this series isn’t until Friday, but there’s no rest for hockey fans.  The Kings won last night and the Blackhawks/Red Wings start tonight.  Let’s go Hawks… I’ll be saying from inside the theater where I’m watching Star Trek.

Trust you guys can hold it down for tonight?

As you many remember, I fought the Caps love for a long time before finally caving in.  In just three years as a Capitals’ fan, our relationship has gotten very serious (obsessed, codependent – semantics).

As such, I’ve allowed myself until Noon today to wallow in last night’s Capitals. With actual shock I admit that I might not need that long.

Look, Caps.

Get beaten.  Lose, even.  That’s hockey.  But don’t you give up.

Last night, it felt like you threw in the towel after the Rangers’ third goal.   That’s when I got mad.  I’d get mad at myself, my friends or my non-existent kids if we acted that way and you are not exempt.  This is a family, damn it.  Calling you out doesn’t make me a fairweather fan.  I wouldn’t get mad if I didn’t f&!%ing love you.  I’m not saying sink the whole team in the Potomac and start again.  I’m saying COME TO PLAY and we will COME TO SEE.  You have to hold up your end of this bargain.  I don’t expect wins every night but I expect heart, and  I’ve seen yours before.  I know it’s in there.

*sigh*

Still, they lost.  No one feels worse about it than the Caps (which is saying something, considering how bad I feel).  You can watch the post-mortem locker room interviews if you’re a glutton for punishment.  Me, I’m trying to move on.

Here’s the post I wrote last season when the Caps lost to the Rangers.  While this is a trend I could certainly do without, it reveals a calmer, more admirable side of my pain that I’d pretty much forgotten I had.

Mikey Monday: Love & Memories (Caps Lose 2012)

Things I said last year that are still true now:

• I won’t get down on the Caps for their game seven performance because it’s not what I want to remember all summer.  (Okay, I did a little but it was very cathartic.)

• Thanks, Caps, for a season that was better for me than it was on the score sheet: more fun, more memorable, possibly more frustrating than any game recap could recall.

• Now “there’s always next year,” and the year after that.  But what I’ll really miss is what can never quite be repeated – the ecstatic, hilarious, infuriating magic that is a single season, with a single team, and almost always ends too soon.

Let me add two things for this year:

• I appreciate Ovechkin.  That’s new for me, but he earned it.
• Plus something I hope I don’t have to refer back to it in 2014:  LET’S NOT PLAY THE RANGERS, OKAY?

And so, I forgive the Caps for last night’s game.  I put my anger at the bottom of a bucket and drown it with all the Capitals-related fun I had this year.  To the players, I offer hugs and help packing suitcases.  Have a great summer, get tan, go to Stampede and waterfronts and post many ridiculous photos.

We will miss you and when you come back, we’ll do it all over again.  Because that’s love – and we’re family.

It’s Game 7 time.  Heart in mouth, prayer in mind, lucky clothes on body time.  Every superstition, every trick, every measure of defiance will be in use tonight like it’s the Battle for Hogwarts all over again.

Whether you’re watching Rangers/Caps or Leafs/Bruins, I defy you to make it through the post with your blood pressure intact.

Play this song:

Then play this song:

Then play them again.  I can hardly sit still.

Mr. Pants is gonna have to hold me down.

Before the Caps Game 5 win, Mike posted this photo.  Are you still standing?  LIAR.  Here’s hoping it works again.

Pets and cuddling and selfies?  Lookout, Landeskog.

See you tonight, hockey fans.

The Penguins have won Round One.

It wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t even pretty.  Well, maybe Game One, but otherwise the Penguins generally had their asses handed to them by the 8th seed upstart Islanders.  At times the Pens beat themselves, but as the series went on the Islanders were winning.  Fair and square they were beating the Penguins for long stretches of time that included nearly all of Game Six.

In the end, a win is a win.  It’s not about who “deserved” to win, because maybe that was the Islanders.  At least if this were a Disney movie.  They played more than good hockey, they played their hearts out.  The Penguins didn’t, but they fought hard against their own issues and still brought it to OT.

Hopefully the Penguins learned and when Round Two starts against Ottawa, we’ll see the team we’ve seen all year.  The team they can really be.

And we’ll see this.  It’s already twice what it was last season… somebody’s getting jealous of #BeardWatch2013.

Nealmobile’s ginger beard, on the other hand, is mesmerizing.  I’ll find a picture for you then you’ll have to cancel all your plans.

Caps/Rangers Game 3 was incredible.  The kind of game that makes new hockey fans.  The kind of game that nearly kills the rest of us.

Is there anything to say or think or even feel that that isn’t breathlessly captured in these photos by clydeorama from Jasper’s Rink?

Anything else you want to hug?  How about a giant adorable dog?

from Mike’s Instagram

How about Mike’s NHL Network CISCO Arena Cam interview?

Or perhaps the most exuberant Tweet of my entire life (so far)?

It was Mike’s 18th career GWG, including 8 in OT.  That’s why he’s GAME OVER Green.

Somebody make sure I’m okay before tonight’s game.

Things I love, in order:

1) Mike Green scoring goals.

.gif by nhl-highlights.tumblr.com

2) Mike Green’s hair like this.

Watch it: Post-Game 4/11 video

3) Mike Green taking himself SO SERIOUSLY.

Read it: Russian Machine Never Breaks

Of course it’s stupid to say your bad long hair affected your play, Mike!  It’s also dumb to say that I haven’t worn any Caps gear to the last four games and you’ve won them all, but I’ll keep doing it because it’s working!  It doesn’t hurt that it’s foxy as all get out too.  You need to sell tickets – warm up without your helmet.

Mike played a great game last night – the latest in a row of great games for him.  He had a goal and some stellar chances, plus strong defensive play and legs under him all night.  He’s got 9 G in 28 games.  Last year he had just 3 G in 32 games, and the year before scored 8 in 49.

More of this and you can be as serious as you want.  I’ve got sugar and Twitter and not a single Caps logo visible anywhere.  Play on!

Check out these gorgeous pictures from Carmen Mandato Photography.

Large, hi-res versions are on the website along with a few shots of other teams. People have asked if she’ll have prints available for sale.  She’s on Facebook too.

God, don’t you just love hockey?  And wish you had longer eyelashes?  And feel relieved that no one will ever photograph you this close up?

Maybe it’s just me.

I’ve seen this one, but never with a credit.  She should definitely get credit.

I wish I had photography skills.  At this range, I’d have trouble keeping a hold on the camera.

Thanks to Heather Weikel for letting us know about these!  Thanks to Carmen Mandato for taking such amazing photos.  (I added a copyright to all of them – please be responsible with other people’s work!)

Dear NHL,

If you do not use this song for any and all Stanley Cup Playoffs montages, then you’re just doing it wrong.

It’s perfection.

You know what?  Just hire us and we’ll take care of it for you.

Sincerely,
Chuck & Pants

Honestly, sometimes the jokes write themselves.

I was going to talk about Danny Briere’s concussion and No Trade Clause, but I typed “No Trade Claude.”  Why yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

It’s April, the Flyers are last in the Atlantic and I… won’t say anything mean.  I still don’t like them and that’s all.

However, as you know, my traitorous heart does love Danny Briere.  It’s beyond reason.  Out since suffering a concussion in practice on March 23, Danny was back on the ice with the team yesterday.  He could play as soon as Saturday vs. Buffalo. [link]

Danny talks about his injury and the process of returning here.

Stop it, stop being perfect.

Now, why do I even mention this?

1) Concussions can go to hell.  For any player on any team… just the word turns my stomach.

2) I have a not-so-secret wish for the Flyers to make the playoffs and face Pittsburgh in the first round.  I shouldn’t play with fire, but I’d love see the Pens redeem themselves for last year’s debacle.

3) Will Danny get traded to somewhere I can love him openly?

MOST IMPORTANT.  There has been a lot of talk about Briere’s future with the Flyers.  His contract is $6.5 million with two years left (Update: WRONG. Read comment below from KC!).  Last season, Danny was way off his goal-scoring pace, despite personally terrorizing me during the playoffs.  (Seriously – Briere got 16 G in 70 games all year, then 8 G in 11 games during the playoffs.)  He’s also 35, which is NOT old because we are NOT old but we’re almost that old.  In a few years.

Rumors flew that multiple teams were interested in acquiring Briere before the trade deadline, but Danny said publicly he would not waive his No Trade Claude Clause (UPDATE: It’s a No Movement Claude, which means no AHL either. Thanks Jess.).  The man loves Jersey, okay?  His adorakids go to school there, Gingeroux is there, it’s precious.  There was speculation the Flyers might try to push him [link].   If there were ever a viable window to acquire value in exchange for Briere… it passed when he got hurt.

He traded one problem for another.

Now the best/worst solution is for Danny to come back and play well.  He could still help the Flyers make the playoffs.  At the same time, it may prove his viability to other teams.  The better he looks, the more they’ll offer and the harder Philly might lean on him to accept.  Late career trades and waived NTCs are the new dance crazes, don’t you know?

There is also the new CBA’s Amnesty Clause, which the Flyers could use to buy out Danny’s contract this summer.  He’d still get $6.5 mil/year, but the Flyers would free up that amount under their salary cap. [link, link]  They’ d rather have something to show that money, but at least the Amnesty Clause would let them spend it twice.

I don’t know what to feel.

Does anyone know: If the Flyers buy out Briere under the Amnesty Clause, does he become a UFA (like with a regular buyout)?  Could he get $6.5 mill/year AND play somewhere else?  If that’s true, I wouldn’t waive my NTC either. I’d make the Flyers play me or pay me, because I know I can get paid to play somewhere else when it’s over.

(Best we can figure, he’d get 2/3 of $5 million.  See below.)

That’s crazy.

Now we’re past the trade deadline, and Danny is still a Flyer.  If he storms the playoffs again, maybe he convinces the Flyers not to use the Amnesty Clause.  He could scrape into next season and get another crack at… what?  Being worth $6.5 million?  It seems unlikely.  The Flyers need that money and they need it this summer, when teams are more willing to negotiate.

Of course, this Flyers’ summer might be only 10 games away.  Philly fans have had a rough year – we know a few, and like them anyway.  Lord knows we’ve all been there.  So here’s Captain Claude saying nice things about them in perhaps the most orange environment even caught on film.

If Danny gets a buyout or waives his NTC, I promise you a very Persuasive Power Point Presentation on why he should come to one of my teams, co-written by @linzerellak (as suggested by @alisonsykora).

As predicted by science, fate and what he looked like to begin with, post-jaw surgery and probably mid-dental work Sidney Crosby looks…

Better than anyone you know in real life.

This is from the party after the Honor Society show in Pittsburgh last night (says Tumblr – which is how rumors get started).  I’d apologize to this young lady for not knowing her name/crediting her photo, but I don’t think she cares. (UPDATE: Her name is Candace, and she’s very nice!).

If you can go to shows and parties, maybe you can smile and play hockey soon?

Let’s have some Monday morning Caro Emerald in celebration, shall we?

Update: Alison found another, RT’d by the band’s @RiskyBusinessMB:

That is almost a smile.

Update #2: Talking to the media at Pens practice… sigh.