What's Up, Ya Sieve

Honestly, sometimes the jokes write themselves.

I was going to talk about Danny Briere’s concussion and No Trade Clause, but I typed “No Trade Claude.”  Why yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

It’s April, the Flyers are last in the Atlantic and I… won’t say anything mean.  I still don’t like them and that’s all.

However, as you know, my traitorous heart does love Danny Briere.  It’s beyond reason.  Out since suffering a concussion in practice on March 23, Danny was back on the ice with the team yesterday.  He could play as soon as Saturday vs. Buffalo. [link]

Danny talks about his injury and the process of returning here.

Stop it, stop being perfect.

Now, why do I even mention this?

1) Concussions can go to hell.  For any player on any team… just the word turns my stomach.

2) I have a not-so-secret wish for the Flyers to make the playoffs and face Pittsburgh in the first round.  I shouldn’t play with fire, but I’d love see the Pens redeem themselves for last year’s debacle.

3) Will Danny get traded to somewhere I can love him openly?

MOST IMPORTANT.  There has been a lot of talk about Briere’s future with the Flyers.  His contract is $6.5 million with two years left (Update: WRONG. Read comment below from KC!).  Last season, Danny was way off his goal-scoring pace, despite personally terrorizing me during the playoffs.  (Seriously – Briere got 16 G in 70 games all year, then 8 G in 11 games during the playoffs.)  He’s also 35, which is NOT old because we are NOT old but we’re almost that old.  In a few years.

Rumors flew that multiple teams were interested in acquiring Briere before the trade deadline, but Danny said publicly he would not waive his No Trade Claude Clause (UPDATE: It’s a No Movement Claude, which means no AHL either. Thanks Jess.).  The man loves Jersey, okay?  His adorakids go to school there, Gingeroux is there, it’s precious.  There was speculation the Flyers might try to push him [link].   If there were ever a viable window to acquire value in exchange for Briere… it passed when he got hurt.

He traded one problem for another.

Now the best/worst solution is for Danny to come back and play well.  He could still help the Flyers make the playoffs.  At the same time, it may prove his viability to other teams.  The better he looks, the more they’ll offer and the harder Philly might lean on him to accept.  Late career trades and waived NTCs are the new dance crazes, don’t you know?

There is also the new CBA’s Amnesty Clause, which the Flyers could use to buy out Danny’s contract this summer.  He’d still get $6.5 mil/year, but the Flyers would free up that amount under their salary cap. [link, link]  They’ d rather have something to show that money, but at least the Amnesty Clause would let them spend it twice.

I don’t know what to feel.

Does anyone know: If the Flyers buy out Briere under the Amnesty Clause, does he become a UFA (like with a regular buyout)?  Could he get $6.5 mill/year AND play somewhere else?  If that’s true, I wouldn’t waive my NTC either. I’d make the Flyers play me or pay me, because I know I can get paid to play somewhere else when it’s over.

(Best we can figure, he’d get 2/3 of $5 million.  See below.)

That’s crazy.

Now we’re past the trade deadline, and Danny is still a Flyer.  If he storms the playoffs again, maybe he convinces the Flyers not to use the Amnesty Clause.  He could scrape into next season and get another crack at… what?  Being worth $6.5 million?  It seems unlikely.  The Flyers need that money and they need it this summer, when teams are more willing to negotiate.

Of course, this Flyers’ summer might be only 10 games away.  Philly fans have had a rough year – we know a few, and like them anyway.  Lord knows we’ve all been there.  So here’s Captain Claude saying nice things about them in perhaps the most orange environment even caught on film.

If Danny gets a buyout or waives his NTC, I promise you a very Persuasive Power Point Presentation on why he should come to one of my teams, co-written by @linzerellak (as suggested by @alisonsykora).

MEMO FROM CHUCK’S DESK

Oh what fresh HELL is this! The last 12 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions. First, the drama of the Bruins/Candiens game. Never ceases to amaze me how these games can take me to the height of joy down to the bitter pit of despair so many time in a mere 60 minutes. At the disappointing end of last night’s game, I went to bed all wretched but optimistic that today would bring some glimmer of hope…namely in the form of Jarome Iginla.

Nope. Sorry. Not happening. Ray Shero is a dream crusher and life ruiner.

Ray Shero is also a cruel thief and magical wizard. I don’t know how he does his voodoo magic to make these great deals without sacrificing a single roster player. It is just not right. It is downright Faustian.

hilarious post from www.stanleycupofchowder.com

Interweb speculations says that Iginla changed his mind after seeing the Bruins lose to the Habs last night but I highly doubt that his decision was solely based on the outcome of a single game. I’m betting that the Bruins and Pens were his top choices and after careful consideration, he went with the team that he felt was the better fit for him.

Although it pains me admit, right now the Pens do look like the better team, but I worry about their defense and goaltending.  Letang on the IR and Fleury injured are never good things.  Can new acquisition Murray and backup Tomas Vokoun fill the void? Debatable….

I truly believe that Iginla would have been a better fit for the Bruins and their style of play.  He could have provided that goal-scoring, finishing ability that the Bruins need and the Pens definitely do not.  They are front loaded with fire power. Can’t someone throw a little something our way?

Our twitter feed is going to be insufferable today – all the Pens fans that Pants added squeeing and fangirling all over the place and everyone else pissed that they didn’t get Ignila or annoyed with all of those Pens fans.

With a little over a dozen games left in the season, it will be interesting to see what happens in the Eastern Conference.  But remember, the regular season is one thing…it’s all about the playoffs.

MEMO FROM PANTS’ CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS

Wow.  It’s only 10 AM and I (as part of the Pens fanbase) have been called a lot of names, via every social media platform available.  As I’m clearly obnoxious, insufferable, gloating, cocky, a fangirl and an ignorant jinx who only exists to ruin other hockey fans dreams’ all while prematurely hoisting the Cup, there isn’t much to say except that I’m happy for my team.

Haters gonna hate.

The Pens were a hard nine yesterday and today they’re a 10+.  But hot or not, they’ve still gotta keep winning.  If anyone learned anything: it’s not over till it’s over.  That goes for trades and it goes for seasons.  (Oh, maybe they also learned not to report news until it’s actually fact.)

Shero had a hand, he played it.  Iggy had a choice, he made it.  I hope it pays off for both, and the Pens, and for me.

Last year was tough for the Carolina Hurricanes.

EStaal was minus-257 (ish) on the season.  Intern Jeff Skinner had a concussion and was limited to 20 goals.  Cam Ward’s save percentage was 36th among goalies (down from 17th the year before).  They picked up a little after getting a new coach in Kirk Muller, but still finished 23rd overall.

So you know what this summer is about.

Does Eric Staal look like a captain who messes around?  Or does he scrape a bad season off the windshield like a bug and intend to do something about it?

Action shot of Eric preparing to wipe the ice with someone and not laugh.

Eric (and management, though I prefer to think just of Eric) thought about how the Canes could get better: like more goals (ranked 16th overall) and a better power play (20th overall).  Then they looked around the NHL.

Action shot of Eric looking.

 The old saying goes, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”   Next best bet: “Get a slightly different version of your own DNA to do it for you.”

Saved this photo as “staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals.jpg.”

You all heard me wailing when Jordan turned down 10 years with Pittsburgh.  He got traded to Carolina during his wedding reception (Ray Shero does not do the Electric Slide), and promptly signed an almost identical deal with Carolina.  It’s a great move from JStaal even if I get a little dramatic talking about it.

Farewell, my prince.

Since Jared Staal (I haven’t figured out how to abbreviate him yet) is already in the Canes system, Eric is just putting the band back together.  Ginger Staal can stay in NYC  (for now) in case they need a place to crash for New Year’s Eve.

Three down, one to go.

Consider the potential for mighty wings and Amish beards.  Now off-the-charts.

Out the right side of the plane, you’ll see a sod farm.

With Jordan on board, Eric turned the bus toward Washington, DC.  Or the outskirts, since that’s probably how far Alex Semin walked in the time the Caps did not re-sign him.  He started this walk in November, which explains a lot about how he played this season.  (Sorry I’m not sorry).

But (but, but, but), Alex Semin is an awesome natural talent.  It think Carolina is a great fit for him because 1) no Ovi and 2) no Ovi.  I’m not crazy about AO GR8 either, but he and Sasha were poison for each other.  Ovi gets lazy.  This time last year we thought he might put Jennifer Hudson out of a job as Weight Watchers spokesperson.  He helped run Boudreau out of town.  All the while Semin hid behind him like a bratty little brother.  When he did something good, #sashacares would trend on Twitter.  Sarcastic, yes.  Also true.

I wish I’d made this. Of course it’s from www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com.

Semin needs to be on his own.  Cut him loose, see if he can fly.  He has the ability to make $7 million/year look like a good deal.  Does he have the chutzpah?  If anyone can make him prove it, I think EStaal is the man for the job.  Eric has three little brothers + two kids + Skinner and does not put up with this crap.

Censoredcensoredcenored ARMS.

When Semin gets on track, I’ll be equal parts furious and face-palming.

What will this season bring for the Canes?  Coach Muller intends to test drive the Staal/Staal line in training camp [link], likely with Eric on the wing.  If they go Staal-Staal-Skinner, I swear that I will have the adorable-ocalypse meltdown.

Or they could roll two deep in front, with back-to-back Staal-centered lines and Semin alongside.    The Canes lost Brandon Sutter in the trade to Pittsburgh, who is “arguably the Canes’ best defensive forward” [link].  Well JStaal’s got that in spades, having been nominated in ’11 for the Selke Trophy.

More offense, more defense.  Things are looking sweet in Carolina.

(Red Sox fan.  I had to.)

I like the Hurricanes for no reasons other than my soft spot for expansion teams and my combined love for EStaal, Ward & Intern Jeff Skinner.  Maybe I always knew they’d get Jordan.  Maybe I just want a road trip to worship at the Shrine of Staal, as suggested by @thekitchenette.  Either way I hope the Canes do well this year.  Just not as well as the Caps.  Or the Lightning.

So really not that well at all.

ACK.  My Southeast Conference “Kill-F***-Marry” is getting crowded.  If the NHL realigns [link], I trade the Bolts for the Pens and things are even worse.  Basically I’d root for Carolina to finish 3rd in whatever their conference might be.  Realignment would require them to top the Flyers and Rangers for that to happen, landing behind Pittburgh and Washington in my ultimate fantasy reality.  No problem, right?

Now that I’ve confessed my crazy endgame, be honest.  How many of you have been window shopping new teams/players clothing this summer?

So your team didn’t get Parise, Suter, Nash, Weber or any of the other u/r free agents rolling around in their money this summer.  It’s not over yet.

Bobby Ryan still needs a home.

from thisyearisouryear.tumblr.com

 If you haven’t heard a rumor about B-Ry being traded to your team, then you’re the only one.  Red Wings, Flyers, Senators… heck, we could use another intern.  And we like cats.

Hang in there a few more weeks and the adorable/hilarious category on your team could runneth over.  Think of all the great Tweets throughout the season, and the possibility that he’ll do a fashion show in your city.

(Sorry we’ve been so quiet lately – we really are swamped!  I wasn’t kidding about another intern.  As soon as we dig out, there are just so many fun photos to share… stay tuned.)

If you don’t follow @alexsemin, then I don’t know what you spend your time laughing at.  And you missed the goobye haikus composed for his former Caps teammates, coaches, broadcasters and foes.  My favorite:

In my mind, the only thing Sasha Fierce ever did right:

Based on this photo of Mike, taken last week and trolled from Tumblr, he takes a breakup like we take a breakup: Now shower, no contacts, yesterday clothes.  Probably a lot of sappy Pinterest-ing.  Wah waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Cheer up, Mikey!  There’s always Nicky.  And the 1/4th of a boob not cropped from this photo (not my work).  All is not lost!  Of course the absence of Semin making lazy and ridiculous mistakes means even more people looking at you… um, nevermind.  Love the glasses.

Lord.  The Flyers signed Shea Weber to a $110 million, 14-year offer sheet.  I’ve only been awake for four hours and I’m already sick of this.

In non-140 character speak, he has accepted their offer to be paid like this:

The Predators have seven days to match the offer.  If they don’t, they’ll get 4 first-round draft picks from the Flyers.

Holy cow, people.  First off, the Preds went to arbitration last season because they didn’t want to pay Weber $7+ million for 3 years.  Too bad, he was awarded $7.5 million for 2011-12.  This $110/million deal averages to $7.86 million a year.  Weber will be 27 when the season starts and before he turns 33, over 72% of the contract will have been paid out.  Astronomical numbers, but the average and the front-loading sound like pretty good deals.  In 7-10 years from now, $6 million/year will probably be peanuts compared to what the kids are getting paid.  After that $13 million/year bonus disappears in 4 years, Weber becomes even more attractive trade bait.

More attractive than this?

 My head hurts.

Bonuses count against the salary cap.  The Preds have room under their cap for a deal like this.  Here’s the best part: it’s front-loaded to discourage the Predators from signing because… Weber will earn $27 million in the first *calendar* year of this deal.  WTF, how is that possible? [link]  Here’s how:

If they match, the Preds would have him for 14 years.  But does Weber want to stay in NSH?  Arbitration last summer, would have been UFA next summer, and now this.  Is Shea sick of waiting for a deal, or trying to jump ship?

And if the Preds match, they have to keep Weber for one season before trying to trade.  That one season will cost them $27 million.  Unhappy player vs a shit-ton of money?  I’d give anything to know what Weber’s feeling on Nashville really is.

Bigger meets BetterFasterMore.

The really important part of this conversation is: STAY OUT OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE, SHEA WEBER.

This is my nightmare.  Shea Weber as a Flyer.  Ice crews trained to squeegee my favorite players’ faces/blood/talent off the glass in arenas up and down the eastern seaboard.  Watching every game through my fingers.  Knowing Sid is out there six games against this guy, instead of one.  Or Nicky B.  Anyone.  Oh God.

Sorry, Blackhawks.  Keep your heads up out there.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled day of watching Twitter so see what happens next.  I don’t know if this post even makes sense after so many numbers.

You know those movies where every single thing happens in one day and you’re thinking, “Right, who ever has a day like that?”

Then in the middle of this:

This happens:

The trade was tempered by news on Wednesday that Jordan turned down a 10-year, $60 million deal with the Penguins.  He had one year left on his contract, and without a long-term lockup it appeared he was packing his bags.

Still when Shero announced the trade at the draft, I had one of these moments:

The move makes sense – Jordan wants an expanded role and had a career season (25G, 25A) to set himself up.  But with Crosby (hopefully) back full time and the Malkin-Neal chemistry boiling over, Jordan’s ice time can only go down.  So Carolina becomes Team Staal.

Intern Jeff Skinner knows we’ll finally visit now, and he thinks we’re jerks.

(From from ohaicarolina.tumblr.com)

Losing Jordan seems like a crazy detriment to the Pens grit and heart, but Ray Shero has proven many times that he’s right and we should shut up and watch. In exchange for Jordan, the Pens got Brandon Sutter, a very well-suited third line center, defensive prospect Brian Dumoulin and the #8 overall pick (used on dman Derrick Pouliot).

(Buy this here.)

Guys get embarrassed when I cry in front of the whole class, so the Penguins sent photos from Jordan’s wedding to soften the impact of the trade.

To make me laugh, Sid continued with the ludicrous charade of trying to fit his paws into tiny pockets.   

Neal wanted me to feel better, so he existed (mullet and all).

 These two together.  James hates buttons and Crosby is scared of girls – I think this cheer-up campaign is working.

The moral of the story is: get invited to the next Penguins wedding.  Fleury, maybe?  Or Letang, now that he’s going to be a dad?  Maybe if we’re really lucky, the Penguins will sign someone new just in time for his wedding this summer…

It won’t even matter what we wear, because no way we’re the best looking people at the party.

There are lots of photos on Tumblr – looks like everyone had fun.  Congratulations to Jordan all around.  I won’t even be bitter, since the Canes come to DC more often then the Pens, and Raleigh is 30 miles closer to my house than Pittsburgh.  And, of course, there will always be this:

Yesterday’s NHL Trade Deadline was a snore.  I thought Twitter might melt from all the ennui and complaints, or Alyonka Larianov’s increasingly desperate attempts to hold our interest.  Here’s how things shook out [link].

John Scott was “shocked” to be traded to the Rangers, and was in the middle of doing laundry when the call came.  Bonus points for Foxy Fridays Matt Duchene and Gabriel Landeskog, who led the Avalanche love-fest for players both coming and going by Tweeting their teammates hello and goodbye simultaneously.  Brian Rolston goes back to Boston, where he played 4+ seasons.  The winners are anyone leaving the Islanders or Jets, and anyone going to the Canucks.  The abstainer was The Washington Capitals.  The loser?  Rick Nash.  Let’s discuss.

The Washington Capitals made zero trades, surprising a lot of people.  This seems to say that GMGM either 1) thinks the team is fine the way it is or 2) has given up on this season.  In my opinion, it’s more likely that no one was buying at his prices.  The Caps chemistry is flawed and inconsistent, but it doesn’t need to be burned to the ground.  GMGM showed continued/expensive faith in stars and fragile pandas (Sasha Fierce, Mike Green).

Misplaced faith?  Ask me in six weeks when the Caps don’t make the playoffs.  But what they had to sell (Knuble, Hamrlik) really only matches the Rolston/Mottau deal, and that was for prospects.  The Caps need players who can deliver immediately.  To get those guys, GMGM would have had to give up some of the few things that are actually working for the Caps.  I don’t want Laich, Chimera, Perreault or anyone else moving when they seem to be the only hopes left for March and April.

Then there’s poor Rick Nash.   Chuck and I are biased because we love his smiley lumberjack ways.  Also because he’s incredibly talented and seems like a genuinely nice guy.  But he’s no fool.  All Nash has to show for 9 seasons with the Blue Jackets is one trip to the playoffs, swept by the Red Wings.  The only place this captain is going is down with his ship – so he finally wanted off.

Columbus GM Scott Howson revealed yesterday that Nash asked to be traded [link].  This refuted talk the Jackets were shopping him of their own accord, and came as the clock ticked down on the biggest fish in the trade pond still trying to bite a hook.  But no team would put out enough bait.  Howson defended his astronomical asking price by pointing out he is neither required nor compelled to trade Nash just because he asked nicely.

How many of these are left in Columbus?

Now, I’m mad.  Howson threw Nash under the bus.  “Think you’re miserable now?  See how it feels when I turn the fans against you!” (Obviously not a real Howson quote.)  If Rick can’t get out of Columbus this summer, my heart will break.  He wanted to anchor that team and be the franchise guy that built a winning club.  Columbus has not delivered.  The Jackets are talking about “rebuilding” – rebuilding what?!  You have one Nash-shaped support beam and no house!  You never did.

In truth, the Jackets can’t afford to sell Nash unless they immediately start winning in return.  Rick’s price tag is something between a ransom and a bounty.  He’s all they have right now, after supposed big moves like Jeff Carter are quickly forgotten.  Columbus ranks 26th overall in NHL attendance, due in part to being so close to other teams (Pittsburgh fans call match-ups in Columbus “home games.”).  Nash is putting bodies in seats on nights when no one else can.  Without him….

I also feel for the Jackets’ fans; of course they don’t want to lose their one bright spot.  These fans, all the more precious for being in an expansion market, have stuck with the team like Nash has.  I hope they understand the position he’s in.  They can still get solid players in a Nash trade.  Come summer, teams struggling to make the playoffs now will have time to figure out what a fresh start with Nash is worth.  After what will be the Jackets’ 11th rough season in a row, it’s certainly worth a try.

Sean Avery has been placed on waivers by the Rangers.  It’s like the episode of 24 where Kim Bauer went hiking in Los Angeles, got cornered by a cougar and had to be rescued by a hillbilly in a bunker.  If she were real, she’d still be dating this jackass.

Read all about it on Puck Daddy.

Will someone pick him up?  According to the NY Post it would cost a team $1 million to have Avery for the year.  His salary is $4 million: the Rangers would pay $1 mill and the Dallas Stars are still paying $2 mill.  That’s right, two teams would pay a combined 75% of Avery’s salary to NOT have him on their rosters.  Ask The Situation how it felt when Abercrombie offered to pay him not to wear their clothes.

Avery’s effectiveness as an annoying bastard is undeniable – he rattles other teams – but he draws tons of penalties in the process.  To the equation, teams must add the likelihood Sean will do something off the ice that speaks louder than anything he does on it.  I just don’t see the point of Sean Avery.  I think any number of guys can do what he does (we’ve got “your mama” jokes galore) with a lot less headache.

This is real. I didn't Photoshop in these glasses.

So with two teams already putting their money where Avery’s mouth is… what happens now?

Daniel gave me this new suckie on the first day of training!

Mike Duco formerly of the Florida Panthers got traded to Vancouver. If you were him – you’d think JACK POT – right? Going from a basement dwelling team – well – before they spent a boat load of cash and made some mad trades – to an almost Stanley Cup winning team. Not a bad place to be traded too – right?

Now consider that fact that you may have tweeted some of the following things during the play-offs:

Can't send a 'please ignore' out after that one!

He also posted one that said, “HA … solid night Luongo.”

So it’s your first day at training camp with all your new friends. What’s a boy to do? I bet he didn’t write the book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” But I would guess he needs a copy of that stat because Luongo wasn’t too kind to Kesler after the Olympics but he did forgive him. He kind of had too. Kesler is way too hot not too.

It may not be charm, but it might work!

But Duco? Let’s hope he has charm coming out his ass. He’ll need it. Good luck buddy on your first day. I hear the Sedin’s have a wicked sense of humor.