Here you are in your Team Whatever jersey, wearing patriotic mittens, when you find out one (or more) of your favorite NHL players didn’t make their respective Olympic team. Don’t worry, you’re not alone.
For two solid weeks in February, you’re invited to our party.
Okay, it’s probably going to look more like this:
But the guest list is epic. It’s comprised of every Olympic snub – and there are some bold-faced names here. To make sure our party lives up to the Russian’s, we’ve put our guests in charge of bringing a few key ingredients. Consider it a gift registry without the wedding, and you don’t have to travel 16,000 miles to get to this reception.
Beer: Staal Brothers
It was a long shot for Jordan to make it, but we expected Eric to be defending Canada’s honor. Since he can’t do it in Russia, he’ll make sure we do it here. They’ll book the jet they chartered home to Thunder Bay for Christmas, load it up and land it close. Hope you guys like Labatts, Molson and sod because that’s all they’re bringing.
Liquor (except vodka): James Neal
Beer isn’t going to cut it for Nealmobile. Neither, apparently, are more assists than Rick Nash has points, plus 16 goals, in fewer games. Or better numbers since 2008. No doubt James’ recent on-ice immaturity played a part, but growing up will have to come later. For this we need to break out the (you thought I was going to say ‘big guns,’ right?) good stuff, skip the shot glasses and just go for it. (He can bring his regular glasses, though.)
Vodka (and lots of it): Alex Semin
I don’t like Sasha – didn’t like him on the Caps, don’t care about him now – but getting left off the roster in your home country is awful. Especially when he’s got a long history of representing Russia in international events. Maybe it was due to his concussion earlier this season, but even I’ll drink to the fact it was a shame he got snubbed. The Ovi & Sasha Reunion Show would’ve been a hit.
Games: Claude Giroux
Gingeroux thought he had this. Normally the suffering of any Flyer makes me giddy as a Disney villain, but leaving him off Team Canada was just fickle and redheads are always welcome at our shindigs. Based on his ability to play beer pong and cornhole with two casted, post-surgery wrists, we’re going to bet Colde can find a way to shoot around the pieces of his broken heart. Heck, we’ll even crank the heat and make it #shirstoptional.
$5 Cover Charge: Intern Jeff Skinner
NHL’s First Star of the Week? Good for 66.15 points to my fantasy team in just seven days, more than double what anyone else produced? Hat tricks all over the place are awesome, but he’s still not getting in for free.
Fake IDs: #TeamEbs and #TeamHallsy
We know they’re both of age, but @amandalitty is bouncing and she just wants to know where #TeamHallsy lives, okay? Plus we are not falling for that matching outfit, ‘No really, I’m Jordan Eberle’ trick that Nugent-Hopkins pulled the last time.
His phone: Jack Johnson
We’re prank calling Crosby all night – which will be 9 hours later there and he’ll probably answer until he blocks us and we leave amazing messages complete with singing. These are the best kinds of messages.
Darkness: Brent Seabrook
Resident widow’s peak and most likely vampire, Seabs ain’t coming out till the sun goes down. He slept all day, so he’s in charge of last call.
Selena Gomez CD: Logan Couture
This was his chance, you know? Everyone watches the Olympics and there was bound to be a hockey clip during ice dancing, which people love once every 4 years. If Logan could’ve been that highlight then Selena would have seen him and POW. We’d be hired to promote their starring roles in The Cutting Edge 4: Ice Castles in the Ice coming out next Christmas.
His laptop: Bobby Ryan
Team USA’s biggest snub is in charge of Tweeting, Instagramming and live-blogging this party as it goes down. Cats are allowed but absolutely nothing silver: no Coors Silver Bullet, no Patron Silver tequila, no games of quarters.
Not this shirt: Joe Thornton
The last time we partied like we were in college… well, we were in college. We might have overlooked this shirt back then but the era of poor decision-making and Ed Hardy clothing has passed. For heaven’s sake, there is a design on your jeans! Give us your wallet, go tell Logan that Selena & Beiber are not back together and we’ll take care of this on Nordstrom.com.
Not any shirt: Victor Hedman
Does this party have a pool? Victor Hedman is probably tan in February and we need a lifeguard - all these numbers that say Hedman should have been chosen make our heads swim.
Recycling Bags: Marty St. Louis
What the crap, right? Marty may scowl disapprovingly at the pile of beer cans JStaal has crushed on his forehead, but that’s because he knows when the morning comes (or say, a 38th birthday), he’ll still be here showing these kids how it’s done. Marty is the Last Dad Standing, so he’s on clean up.
UPDATE – Marshall: Tyler Seguin
How could I forget this? All puppies are invited but especially if they bring Tyler Seguin. And Tyler Seguin brings his dance moves. (Thanks Jess!)
Jerseys, mittens, hats and flags: You
Of course this hockey party will have hockey, and plenty of it, at all hours of the night and day. If you saved vacation time, use it now. While not all of our favorite players made it to Sochi, everyone from home to Russia will be supporting their country loudly and proudly. And in some cases, other countries near their countries (maybe that’s just me).
If I didn’t pick your snubbed favorite, feel free to invite him. We welcome anyone who brings snacks or is qualified to drive a Zamboni.