What's Up, Ya Sieve

Oops, am I late?  We’ve been celebrating Intern Jeff Skinner’s birthday.  He’s 21 today, so… we were having apple juice and cake.

And we made him serve it.  This is a job, people!

Jeff’s big day comes during the un-offseason.  He’s rather be in the playoffs, but how does Jeff feel about playing for Team Canada?  Proud.

How does he feel about turning 21?  Like an adult.

How does he feel when we tease him for having a girlfriend?

Haha, that’s about right.

Happy birthday, Intern Jeff Skinner!  Now back to work!

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Jared Staal will make his NHL debut tonight with the Hurricanes.  That means Eric, Jordan and Jared will all be on the ice!  Marc, who’s still recovering from an eye injury and the subsequent “I told you so!” of Mama Staal, made the trip with the Rangers.  Trust he’ll be looking all ginger in the press box.

Your LL Bean Boyfriend just ran for the hills.

Jared has been playing for the AHL’s Charlotte Checkers.  he only has 3 G/3A in 37 games this season, but who cares?  The Canes aren’t making the playoffs and this is a much better story.  Put me in coach, I’m ready to play!

I have a sneaking suspicion he may be my Favorite Staal of All, based solely on these two graphics:

The real question: What is Jared going to wear on his jersey?  We already have a J. Staal.  Will he wear Ja. Staal?  J. Staal 2.0?  Jared wears #22 in Charlotte, but Zac Dalpe wears it in Raleigh.

Both 10 and 13 are open though – then he could line up numerically with his brothers and we’ll do a segment for Sesame Street, brought to you by sod.

Correction: 10 is retired by the Canes, as pointed out by @ericmac20.  As soon as he said it, I thought, “Ron Francis!” My mistake.  That I would forget a former Penguin from back-to-back Cup winning teams, who scored a Cup-clinching goal – sheesh.  It’s like 50 First Dates in here.  (Also, Jared will wear #34.  Thanks for nothing, kid.)

How Canada sells t-shirts.

I’m telling you, when aliens come to Earth and immediately try to contact the dominant species, they’re going right for the Staals.

Jared will need a nickname to join JStaal (Favorite Staal), EStaal (2nd Favorite Staal) and Ginger Stall (or Cinnamon Staal).  Who’s got suggestions?

Five days left left?  NHL ’13, we hardly knew ye!  Let’s be honest, though.

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.

Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.

After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.

Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.

More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

• The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
• The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
• A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.

Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?

With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.

More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.

This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.

More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

How can a hockey game be better than a hockey game?

When there’s tailgating.

Us on a nicer day (next time).

The fantastic folks of @Section328 invited me and my friends to their pre-game party on our Raleigh Road Trip.  Rainy, cold weather could not stop them from setting up the tent and busting out the Chicken & Waffles potato chips.

Surprisingly good, but not as good as the pork tacos.

As promised, there was a game of cornhole… at which I was bad.  Roberto Luongo on a bad night bad.  No one made fun of me (out loud), which is like no one laughing at Jennifer Lawrence for falling up the Oscar stairs.  So polite.

@MattyDTX trying to coach me.

Leigh showing Michelle (and everyone) how Raleigh girls do it right.

“Little Baby” Intern Jeff Skinner did not make an appearance at our party, but that’s just because he couldn’t have dessert – alcoholic chocolate pudding. Perfect for the school lunchbox.  (Patron XO in the pudding, Baileys in the whipped cream.)

It’s so good you might want to hog it all, no matter how gross that looks.

Derek at last call.

We eventually did make it inside, I promise.  PNC Arena is really nice and we had great seats for the game – perfectly situated between center ice and the nearest stand for $1 hot dog night.

Too bad Intern Jeff Skinner accidentally texted Stamkos instead of Staal (they’re right next to each other in his Contacts) to say we’d be there, watching and cheering.

The message was definitely received, because Steven scored this goal.  That could be me behind the glass, flipping my hair and thinking, “Don’t look, don’t look, just be cool”  while inside you’re in the front row at a 1D concert.

Tampa Bay won the game 5-2.  There was a lot of mismatched-size hugging while Eric made this face:

Good thing we always have fun even if we lose (or I’d never make it as a Caps fan).  If you’re ever in Carolina or planning a hockey road trip, hit up Section 328′s party.  They will not let you down.  Until then, read their blog for all your “informative hockey snark” needs.

Leigh, Derek, me, Mike. I think we were saying “Skinner!”

It’s Canes vs. Caps tonight, and the DC return of Alex Seminsssnnnooorrre.  I could not care less.  I’d like to see the Staals again, but I have to work.  And there’s no one to spike my dessert.

Thank you, @Section328!

This really isn’t funny.

When we hire interns, we expect them to work.  When I drive all the way to Raleigh for the Bolts vs. Canes game on Saturday, 2/23, I expect Intern Jeff Skinner to play.

Jeff is out of the Canes lineup with an undisclosed “upper body injury.”  Don’t look at us like we made him lift too many heavy things.  He works for tips, okay?

But seriously, this big hit sent Skins headfirst into the boards last week vs. Toronto.  He finished the game and practiced the next day, but did not practice Sunday. [link]  Last season he missed 16 games with a concussion, so everybody hope this is a minor thing and not a time machine.

Just look at him!

The frown when he drops it… I’ve been laughing for a week.

Jeff has 7 goals on the season, which (he keeps reminding me) currently ties him with Crosby and Toews.  Well let’s have Bring A Guy Who Also Has 7 Goals to Work Day, shall we?

Read the article here.

If Jeff can’t play Saturday, he can at least come tailgating with @Section328 (but not drink) and sing us an Ed Sheeran song.  This ‘upper body’ injury is not to his hands.  Then he couldn’t play cornhole either and I’ve seen the Canes commercials: cornhole is the best part of tailgating.  (Except that it’s called ‘cornhole’ which makes me really uncomfortable and now I’ve said it fifty times.)

Even without Intern Jeff Skinner I still get t0 see JStaaaaaaaaal for the first time in aaaaaaaaaages.

But I was really hoping to witness one of these as well:

Yes, the game is vs. Tampa Bay so of course Stamkos will also be there. There are few days in my life when having Steven in the building is not an ideal situation.  Carolina currently leads the Southeast Division with 17 points, while Tampa Bay has 15.  Saturday will be a big game for both teams – BOTH TEAMS I LIKE.  Why do I let this keep happening?  I might wear my Bolts shirt for the car ride, but I’m rooting for the Canes this time.  My life is so hard.

So apparently Patrice Bergeron and Intern Jeff Skinner got into a “scrum” at the end of the Bruins/Hurricanes game last night.

This was our reaction.

I know.  I can’t stop laughing either.  So much hilarity.

My feed didn’t actually show the fight because it happened behind the play and Tyler Seguin happened to be on his way to score an empty-netter to seal the win for the Black and Gold.

Luckily for us all, I scoured the internet and DID manage to find some footage of this “fight”

Of course, we want the Professor and our intern to get along. It makes for a much more harmonious office atmosphere.  But if they HAVE to fight, we much prefer this sort of fighting.  Less chances of black eyes.

In other game notes…

Nathan Horton straight up embarrassed J. Staal.  Like right out of his shorts. [Watch this pretty goal.]

Honestly, Jordan.  Where you even paying attention?  Or where you thinking “Man, I could really go for a sandwich right now?”  Or did you momentarily turn into a cat and get distracted by a laser pointer on the ice?

I’m glad that Horton scored because I want him to score all the goals, but really, Jordan. You know better than that.

Dougie Hamilton is making everyone fall in love with him.  The kid continues to reward the Bruins organization’s faith in him by playing like a big boy.  Last night, he set up David Krecji with this salty, no-look dish.

The 19-year-old rookie now was 4 points in his first 5 games of his professional career.

I will now refer to him as the Great Hambino.

Anton Khudobin is a-okay.  While last night’s game wasn’t by any means a goaltending showcase, Bruins back up Anton Khudobin played very well, allowing Bruins fans to breath a small sigh of relief.  Tuukka will of course be the Bruins #1 this season, but should he need a break, I think were going to be alright with the man from Kazakhstan between the pipes.

Roster photos are like a walk through a mine field.  Never have so many attractive guys looked like they were kidnapped, stuffed in a trunk and taken to a Walmart Portrait Studio.

Remember that one parent with the plastic comb that “fixed” everyone’s hair on school picture day?  That parent was absent from the Penguins locker room.

I just woke up and why are there girls here?

I just woke up and where is Lazy?

I just woke up and yeah, I look pretty good.

Meanwhile, all capable Pens grow light brown facial hair.  That’s an order.

Vitale, Orpik and even Paul Martin, looking a little like Justin Timberlake, no?

The Blackhawks must have had a big night out before their photos.  This has Walk of Shame written all over it.

Vampires are passé now, Seabs.

But not Toews.  He doesn’t like fun.  He wakes up every morning looking like the high school quarterback who never signed your yearbook, just left you dreaming about that time he breathed on you in the hallway outside English.

I don’t know what happened to Viktor Stalberg here, but this picture isn’t even on Tumblr.  It’s been shunned by the church and we don’t talk about it anymore.

The Capitals, oh man.  Should I be worried that this half of the team:

Pink edit,but I couldn’t find Brooksy anywhere else!

.. isn’t friends with this half of the team?  Because friends don’t let friends get photographed like this.

Then again, has anyone told Mike Green?  I will submit this whole blog to “What Not to Wear.”  Exhibit One: From last year to this year…

I am 99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata.

Tampa Bay obviously has the right idea about photos in general, what with the beaches and the shirtless and the flexing.  But here, Vinny has never looked so French.  He’s the mean food critic from Ratatouille.

Tom Pyatt has the look I get when trying to remember if he’s Tom or Taylor.

And of course, from the Jonathan Toews School of Upstaging Everyone:

Hey girl, let me help you with that yoga pose.

Now that Ebs & Hall have As up in Edmonton, RNH can’t figure out who he should be listening to.

I’m smiling. Smiling’s cool.

Don’t smile. Smiling is for losers.

Mom and Dad, stop fighting!

I can’t deal with the Hurricanes right now.  The Southeast Division is too crowded with people I love for Jordan Staal to be both Jordan Staal AND be in this jersey.  He needs to pick one.

Because there’s already Intern Jeff Skinner.  Look how proud he is of that hair.

It’s not surprising the Rangers run a tight ship.  Like the Yankees before them, their grooming standards are top notch and they don’t let just anybody in looking homeless and hungover.  Looking foxy is very serious in NYC.

I don’t see new shots of Nash & Richards, so I’m holding out hope we can mess up their hair first.

Update: All the Rangers photos. We didn’t get there in time beat slicked-back. (Thanks Beth!)

I’m not going through the Senators roster because frankly, I don’t know them well enough.  I do know that when 95% of your team is smiling for the camera, like they’re actually really excited, that I get excited too.  Overall best in show so far, Ottawa – except that one guy circled below.  Party pooper.

A quick search for San Jose yielded only one photo – but it’s enough.  Just put this down for every name on the roster.  Brent Burns appears to be guest-starring on Sponge Bob Square Pants or Moonshiners.

Cosmopolitan’s Hottest Shark, folks:

More teams as the photos continue to roll in!

People are talking about Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers on 12.12.12, but we here at WUYS know how to party.

Happy Eric Staal Day!  

One of the worst things about this lockout is the delay of seeing Eric and Jordan on the same team.  This was going to be their year!  (Jordan got 11.11.11 and it fell on a Foxy Friday – he’s my favorite Staal, what can I say?)

It’s time to unmask the “sod farm” they supposedly grew up on for what it really is – an extremely successful Canadian genetic engineering facility.

In the event of zombie apocalypse, the “sod farm” might be overrun with resourceful woman volunteering to help repopulate the Earth.

Ever the over-achiever, Captain Eric has a head start with two adorable children already.  This is Parker, our future intern.

Well, maybe Eric has three kids.

If you’ve never attended a Canes game and seen EStaal in person, you are missing out on a MAJOR AWARD.  Plus Intern Jeff Skinner wants to know why you don’t visit him like you promised.

Celebrate 12.12.12 by watching these instead:

What, were you doing something else today?

If I were not so pissed about the looming lockout, I would find this caption hysterical.

Apparently Intern Jeff Skinner is much smarter than the intern who captioned this photo of Eric Staal.  Either that, or Jeff’s moonlighting at the Associated Press.

I know it’s just a typo, but is it an omen?  Does it demonstrate why the NHL can’t afford a lockout, or simply highlight that a lot of people (who don’t read this blog) won’t care if they have one?

Where is Intern Jeff Skinner right now?  At Biosteel Camp slacking off when he should be forwarding our collective resume for this job?

Talented, witty, personable with a communications degree… sounds like some people around here.  (I left off the part about the criminal background check, which probably include a Google search and then ZIP, there go our chances.)

Yes it’s real (nhl.com) and yes, you’re qualified.  We are available for reference letter writing, in exchange for tickets.

Nothing to say for himself.