What's Up, Ya Sieve

Just when there’s no time for any blogging today, the Hawks put Viktor Stalberg back into the lineup.  And I find time to send you this:

Here’s the story from NHL.com.  The Hawks were the Hawks in Game 1, winning 4-1 over Detroit.  Then a Freaky Friday (though it was Saturday) body-switching catastrophe happened and the Wings were suddenly the Hawks in Game 2.

Game 3 tonight.  Recently benched Stalberg and Handzus will play.  Why were they benched?  Coach Q’s mustache said it was to make room for Dave Bolland [story] but apparently told Viktor it was performance-related.  Once again proving the NHL is not a beauty pageant, no matter what this blog looks like.

Speaking of which, Jonathan Toews still has NO playoffs goals which you know is making him Captain Crazy.  Let’s hope Chicago’s back to form tonight, despite the radiant perfection of the Zetterbeard.  They have some radiant perfection of their own we’d like to see smiling.

One night of the 2013 NHL Playoffs is in the books.  Everybody still with us?

Blackhawks vs. Wild

The Hawks didn’t play their best, but they squeaked one out vs. the Wild.  As the regular clock wound down and overtime became imminent, we all did this:

Every damned time.  In last year’s first round, 5 of 6 Chicago games went to overtime.  I cannot handle that again.  Still this series could be better than we expected – apparently the Wild didn’t read anything that anyone wrote.  Good for them, if not for me ever getting to bed before midnight.

Danica Patrick was on hand in a Patrick Sharp jersey.  She proved herself a Blackhawks fan not by making the first of three goal shots during intermission, but by derping as well as we’ve ever seen a derp.

This face should come with a free #19 jersey.

In the most impressive story of the night, Wild #1 goaltender Nicklas (not Nicky) Backstrom was injured during warmups and replaced by Josh Harding.  Harding played just 5 games this season, after being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis sometime last fall [link].  Asked about all the adversity, Josh said “No comment” over and over until reporters asked him about last night’s game instead [link].

That’s bad ass, Josh.  We want the Hawks to win, but you make them earn it.

Blues vs. Kings

OT was also required in St. Loius, where the Blues won the game on a goal that makes me want to throw up.  Not out of displeasure, just nerves.

Off all the things to happen…

It was scored by Alex Steen, who had the Blues only other goal of the game.  In Jonathan Quick’s defense, did you see last year’s playoffs?  He’s not worried.  He kept the Kings in this game while they were outshot 42-29 and he will do the same again tomorrow.

Ducks vs. Red Wings

Finally, Anaheim vs. Detroit happened in the middle of the damned night.  Of course it was Teemu Selanne with the Ducks eventual game-winning goal just into the third period.

Back in ’07, 36-year old Selanne eliminated the Red Wings from the Western Conference Final with an OT goal.  At 42, he’s still:

The Red Wings had only 11 shots through two periods, then another 11 in the third but they couldn’t get the tie.  The Ducks notched an empty netter at 19:37 to put this one away.

How did you hold up?  Not well judging by some of your Tweets.  Any tossable items broken, binge drinking or declarations of eternal love/hate yet?  I’m pretty concerned for my well being tonight during the Penguins game.  Tomorrow’s Capitals vs. Rangers opener will be even worse.  Already…

I’ve been collecting a folder of pics and gifs, for that day when the world just needs more Jonathan Toews.  Today is that day.

Happy 25th birthday, Tazer!

We all know that Jonathan hates fun.

He prefers to win, and win often.  Luckily the Blackhawks are pretty good at hockey and Toews himself is alright on the ice.

Going into the playoffs with nearly every possible point, the Hawks are poised to make a run at the recapturing the Cup they won in 2010.  It’s safe to say that we know what Jon wants for his birthday:

Yes, exactly.  He wants the other part of this beard.

When he’s not derping, walking behind locker room cameras in his shorts or making fun of Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews is being nice to strangers…

… watching romantic comedies, avoiding cilantro and not vacuuming.  Sounds like a date night to us.

He’s almost a full-time model by now, specializing in what you’d like your future husband to wear while meeting your parents at the venue for your wedding reception.

So happy birthday to the Captain, Cup-winner and a guy who makes everyone over 25 feel bad for not accomplishing more.  He won’t have a party.  He’ll stay home and do squats…

While waiting for your team to try him in the playoffs.  Then he’ll hug you, when you’re ugly-crying after the Hawks run your team into the ground.

Flashbacks:  Toews Turns 23, Toews Turns 24

I’m a publicist in real life, which generally leads me to desire a talking ban on everyone until their comments have been approved.  But that’s my dream world.

Last night, Duncan Keith made a probably sexist, definitely stupid remark to a female reporter after the Blackhawks loss to Vancouver.  From Puck Daddy:

• Keith: “What did you see?”
• Thomson: “Well, there it looked like there was a penalty that went undetected. You seemed a bit frustrated.”
• Keith: “Oh, no. I don’t think there was. I think he scored a nice goal, and that’s what the ref saw. Maybe we should get you as a ref maybe, hey?
• Thomson: “Yeah, maybe. Can’t skate though.”
• Keith: “First female referee. Can’t probably play either, right? But you’re thinking the game, like you know it? Seeya.”

This woman has likely heard worse on her way from the car to the rink, and she even Tweeted jokingly about it renewing the rivalry.  While I don’t think Duncan Keith hates women or any such nonsense, the part about her gender is so intensely stupid, so conversationally desperate that it makes me see red.

Also, in general it’s a good rule not to be a dick.  Sure, he’s frustrated.  The Hawks have only lost 6 games all year and he clearly has no idea how to handle the rampant devastation that results in crying himself to sleep on a giant fucking pile of money.  Since a single game loss is so eviscerating to DK, so obviously a sign that he cannot perform his job, then no wonder he thinks this woman can’t do any job at all.  Ridiculous, right?  Let’s be equal-opportunity jerks, at least.

Sarcasm – it’s for everyone!

Continuing this trend, Tyler Seguin used the phrase “no homo” in a Tweet yesterday.  Then he deleted it.  Hahaha – as if that ever worked. From SBNation:

He has since apologized for the reference.  It’s offensive, of course, but one of those phrases so widely used that I doubt he thought anything at the time.  He should have.  He wasn’t delivered by stork to the Bruins locker room yesterday, so he should know better than to put something in the kind of writing that you can never erase.  Just because he used a discriminatory term in a casual way doesn’t take away it’s meaning – even if that’s not what he meant.

Tyler Tweeted two apologies… I’m going out on a limb to say he only wrote one of them.  Left the period off the latest when cutting and pasting, for authenticity.

Then there is Matt Cooke.  Increasingly demoted from true asshole status over the last few seasons, if this story from Puck Daddy is at all true, then he’s on the list today too.  The source is so suspect that I believe Matt gets a pass.

Recently, Jess and I were quoting Sam from Love Actually and his brilliant, unintended summation of the NHL playoffs:

Worse than the total agony of being in love?

We’re almost there again.  The gut-wrenching, screaming-into-a-pillow, obsecenity-laden euphoria and destruction of the post-season.

In past years, the NHL has come up with some great commercials to capture this emotional meteor shower.

Granted these are for the Cup final, but I’ve been moved and inspired.  I’ve been fired up.

And I’ve wept like that time Professor McGonagall stepped between Harry and Voldemort in Deathly Hallows.

@Raedanda found these, the NHL’s first playoff commercials for teams that have clinched berths this year.  I have to say… BLEH.

I love a good montage, but these are doing nothing for me.  Not the Penguins, or the Toews/Kane bromance.

Not Foxy Friday Carey Price, not even Corey Perry’s overturned turtle goal-slide celebration.

I need blood and sweat, I need lowlights that I suffered through while my teams paid for their playoff berths in pounds of flesh.  I need feels.

Meh.  I am a hundred times more excited and terrified than these commercials let on.  Here’s hoping for better as this shortstop season draws to an end…

The NHL wants to make up for the lockout, draw casual fans back into hockey and perhaps attract some new ones in a less turbulent year, because we’re still really mad at them.  Right?

Not now, girls.

 Er, we may be feeling warmer and fuzzier and playoff-ier…

Seriously!  Hold it together.

Then someone says:

from NBC Chicago

OKAY, WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!

So much for being cool.

He should’ve known better.

Five outdoor games have been announced for next season, including Penguins/Blackhawks at Soldier Field, Chicago on March 1, 2014.

Also known as:

Or was it…

The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.

Whatever they call it, we’re going.  You’re invited.  Get started now.

 Don’t forget to pack your:

Because this trip is:

Apparently this is all still being finalized.  Good luck with that, because you already yelled fire in a crowded room.

Celebrate with this ridiculous goal Patrick Kane scored in the Hawks 8-1 win against the Dallas Stars last night.

Are you kidding me?!  You know somewhere in Siberia, Peggy’s pissed he didn’t ask Kaner how he scores from the right side.

We should get paid to test the critical mass of Twitter’s servers because when things like this happen, we do it for free.

Jonathan Toews in today’s SPLASH Magazine from the Chicago Sun-Times.

Is he in the shower?  What kind of newspaper insert is this?  It’s like the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog you have to be 18 to buy.

And who perfectly tucked in one side of his shirt?  IS THAT A JOB?

I don’t get this one, except he’s checking out his own rear view and that’s something we can all understand.

Cute, cute, his forehead is enormous, cute, cute… wasn’t this just taking place in a locker room?

Oh yeah, it was.

Tight jeans and boots?

Any second here Jon’s going to announce his debut country album, “Singing in the Shower” featuring the hit single, “Foggin’ Up the Mirror.”

You were thinking those jeans are too light, right?  A little too country?  Well they make ‘em tight in other colors, rejoice.

Apparently buttons are out.  We’re okay with that.

Check out the hands-in-pockets action.

You want to read the article?  LIAR.  No one reads Playboy about Jon for the article!  You can have some quotes here though, then get back to admiring.

The feature isn’t online (yet), but we’ll post it if someone sends it our way!

You all owe @alisonsykora for the emergency iPad screencaps.

PS: Go read the Toews Tumblr feed.  It’s like a 1D concert spiked with vodka in there right now.

This news is a little old, but I was waiting for Toews’ black eye to look like guyliner before I posted a photo of him.

It’s so late-90′s Rob Thomas, if y’all were even alive back then.

Tazer got the shiner, of course, fighting Chuck’s LT boyfriend Joe Thornton on Friday.  I looked up from my computer, saw this going down on mute and threw my laptop across the room.  By the time I found the remote it was almost over, which is why Al Gore invented DVRs and rewinding.

Tazer’s scrapping so hard – even took a boarding call – that you know Thornton said something mean about Kaner.  Then Jon called him old.  Thornton dared Toews to grow half a beard.  Toews said ‘Win a Cup!’  Joey said he’d get something better than a lake named after him, then Jon threw off his earrings and press-on nails and went right after a bitch in the high school cafeteria.

Mind you, Joe Thornton doesn’t have a black eye because he won this fight.

.gif by michaeldelzotto.tumblr.com

At the 1:08 mark of this video, Thornton says, “He asked me to fight and I was kinda shocked, and I said ‘sure.’”  And he laughs, because it was pretty funny.

Toews didn’t make a fool of himself or anything – I’ve seen worse fights this week.  But Jon has 3 career fights (all losses/link) and Thornton has 26.  Of the last 15, Joey won 13, lost 1 (to Eric Lindros!) and had one draw.  He’s been around so long HockeyFights.com doesn’t even list winners back then.

I always like to see star players, especially captains, standing up for themselves.  The two have a history of rough stuff – a couple of head shots from Thornton were blamed for the belated concussion that sat Toews for 22 games last year.

That said, the Hawks have plenty of get up (what with their undefeated streak) and plenty of guys who’ll drop the gloves.  This was a pretty unnecessary risk.  When Patrick Kane starts being the smart one in this relationship [link], you need to pause.  Then save your sass for the scoreboard.

You can see the shiner in action here, as Toews talks about a fantastic Blackhawks veteran’s outreach program that’ll make you tear right up.

Side note: Auto-life-blog-ban for talking about Toews’ girlfriend, the lucky duck.  Not that you would, but save it for Tumblr.

When WUYS is suddenly mentioned in 47 new Tweets in an hour, there’s only one possible reason: Workout video.

When 46 of those messages are in ALL CAPS, I know without reading:

It’s the Blackhawks.

Here’s the video.  It takes an extra moment to load, presumably because the internet paused to fan itself back into consciousness.

Between road games in San Jose and Phoenix, the Blackhawks thought an outdoor soccer and football workout would be fun.  Nothing says internet sensation like a bunch of pale Canadians with their shirts off in February! (Plus Kaner and Stalberg, who must be in their somewhere.)

Blackhawks TV is the best media output in the NHL.  They brought us Joey the Junior Reporter, ugly Christmas sweaters, everything.

Well, not quite everything – until now.

What was that?

Jonathan Toews would have been a QB if he were American. It’s just his style.

He doesn’t even use a resistance band, because none can contain him.

This workout was held at the University of Phoenix… yet I don’t see anyone around.  No one suddenly joined the track team?  Changed their major to stadium groundskeeping?  Impromtu lemonade stand body shots? For shame.

The Blackhawks aren’t just gratuitously fit and camera-friendly.  They are 8-0-2 on the season and lead the entire NHL with 18 points.

They have so much swag right now, they’re doing good deeds for other teams!  This is like sending the girls to the bar in hopes they’ll attract the bartender more quickly.  It’s practically a Blackhawks Bikini Car Wash.

If tonight’s game in Phoenix doesn’t have record ticket sales, there is literally nothing else the NHL can do.