What's Up, Ya Sieve

The NHL wants to make up for the lockout, draw casual fans back into hockey and perhaps attract some new ones in a less turbulent year, because we’re still really mad at them.  Right?

Not now, girls.

 Er, we may be feeling warmer and fuzzier and playoff-ier…

Seriously!  Hold it together.

Then someone says:

from NBC Chicago

OKAY, WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!

So much for being cool.

He should’ve known better.

Five outdoor games have been announced for next season, including Penguins/Blackhawks at Soldier Field, Chicago on March 1, 2014.

Also known as:

Or was it…

The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.

Whatever they call it, we’re going.  You’re invited.  Get started now.

 Don’t forget to pack your:

Because this trip is:

Apparently this is all still being finalized.  Good luck with that, because you already yelled fire in a crowded room.

Celebrate with this ridiculous goal Patrick Kane scored in the Hawks 8-1 win against the Dallas Stars last night.

Are you kidding me?!  You know somewhere in Siberia, Peggy’s pissed he didn’t ask Kaner how he scores from the right side.

We should get paid to test the critical mass of Twitter’s servers because when things like this happen, we do it for free.

Jonathan Toews in today’s SPLASH Magazine from the Chicago Sun-Times.

Is he in the shower?  What kind of newspaper insert is this?  It’s like the Abercrombie & Fitch catalog you have to be 18 to buy.

And who perfectly tucked in one side of his shirt?  IS THAT A JOB?

I don’t get this one, except he’s checking out his own rear view and that’s something we can all understand.

Cute, cute, his forehead is enormous, cute, cute… wasn’t this just taking place in a locker room?

Oh yeah, it was.

Tight jeans and boots?

Any second here Jon’s going to announce his debut country album, “Singing in the Shower” featuring the hit single, “Foggin’ Up the Mirror.”

You were thinking those jeans are too light, right?  A little too country?  Well they make ‘em tight in other colors, rejoice.

Apparently buttons are out.  We’re okay with that.

Check out the hands-in-pockets action.

You want to read the article?  LIAR.  No one reads Playboy about Jon for the article!  You can have some quotes here though, then get back to admiring.

The feature isn’t online (yet), but we’ll post it if someone sends it our way!

You all owe @alisonsykora for the emergency iPad screencaps.

PS: Go read the Toews Tumblr feed.  It’s like a 1D concert spiked with vodka in there right now.

This news is a little old, but I was waiting for Toews’ black eye to look like guyliner before I posted a photo of him.

It’s so late-90′s Rob Thomas, if y’all were even alive back then.

Tazer got the shiner, of course, fighting Chuck’s LT boyfriend Joe Thornton on Friday.  I looked up from my computer, saw this going down on mute and threw my laptop across the room.  By the time I found the remote it was almost over, which is why Al Gore invented DVRs and rewinding.

Tazer’s scrapping so hard – even took a boarding call – that you know Thornton said something mean about Kaner.  Then Jon called him old.  Thornton dared Toews to grow half a beard.  Toews said ‘Win a Cup!’  Joey said he’d get something better than a lake named after him, then Jon threw off his earrings and press-on nails and went right after a bitch in the high school cafeteria.

Mind you, Joe Thornton doesn’t have a black eye because he won this fight.

.gif by michaeldelzotto.tumblr.com

At the 1:08 mark of this video, Thornton says, “He asked me to fight and I was kinda shocked, and I said ‘sure.’”  And he laughs, because it was pretty funny.

Toews didn’t make a fool of himself or anything – I’ve seen worse fights this week.  But Jon has 3 career fights (all losses/link) and Thornton has 26.  Of the last 15, Joey won 13, lost 1 (to Eric Lindros!) and had one draw.  He’s been around so long HockeyFights.com doesn’t even list winners back then.

I always like to see star players, especially captains, standing up for themselves.  The two have a history of rough stuff – a couple of head shots from Thornton were blamed for the belated concussion that sat Toews for 22 games last year.

That said, the Hawks have plenty of get up (what with their undefeated streak) and plenty of guys who’ll drop the gloves.  This was a pretty unnecessary risk.  When Patrick Kane starts being the smart one in this relationship [link], you need to pause.  Then save your sass for the scoreboard.

You can see the shiner in action here, as Toews talks about a fantastic Blackhawks veteran’s outreach program that’ll make you tear right up.

Side note: Auto-life-blog-ban for talking about Toews’ girlfriend, the lucky duck.  Not that you would, but save it for Tumblr.

When WUYS is suddenly mentioned in 47 new Tweets in an hour, there’s only one possible reason: Workout video.

When 46 of those messages are in ALL CAPS, I know without reading:

It’s the Blackhawks.

Here’s the video.  It takes an extra moment to load, presumably because the internet paused to fan itself back into consciousness.

Between road games in San Jose and Phoenix, the Blackhawks thought an outdoor soccer and football workout would be fun.  Nothing says internet sensation like a bunch of pale Canadians with their shirts off in February! (Plus Kaner and Stalberg, who must be in their somewhere.)

Blackhawks TV is the best media output in the NHL.  They brought us Joey the Junior Reporter, ugly Christmas sweaters, everything.

Well, not quite everything – until now.

What was that?

Jonathan Toews would have been a QB if he were American. It’s just his style.

He doesn’t even use a resistance band, because none can contain him.

This workout was held at the University of Phoenix… yet I don’t see anyone around.  No one suddenly joined the track team?  Changed their major to stadium groundskeeping?  Impromtu lemonade stand body shots? For shame.

The Blackhawks aren’t just gratuitously fit and camera-friendly.  They are 8-0-2 on the season and lead the entire NHL with 18 points.

They have so much swag right now, they’re doing good deeds for other teams!  This is like sending the girls to the bar in hopes they’ll attract the bartender more quickly.  It’s practically a Blackhawks Bikini Car Wash.

If tonight’s game in Phoenix doesn’t have record ticket sales, there is literally nothing else the NHL can do.

The surefire way to break a streak is for me to post about it, so apologies in advance to the Sharks and/or Blackhawks.  Blame NHL.com, they did it first.

The San Jose Sharks are 6-0.  Surprised?  So is Patrick Marleau.

HA!  Actually, Patty always looks that way.

But we are impressed.  Nine goals in six games for the former Foxy Friday.  Last year he scored 30 times in 82 games – this year he’s on pace for 72 in 48.

Also putting up big numbers for San Jose are Jumbo Joe (Thornton) and Little Joe (Pavelski).  Last night, the Sharks struggled through two periods and it took a late goal by Rookie of My Life Logan Couture to tie Anaheim.  Marleau was held goal-less for the first time this year.  But in the shootout…

Six straight wins is the best in Sharks franchise history.  Recently the Penguins announcers were discussing whether 33-year old NHL players should be considered “aging veterans.”

What do you think, Marleau and Thornton (and Pants and Chuck)?  Anyone older care to chime in?

San Jose has given up only 10 goals against, second only to the Devils (9, try calling Brodeur old).  They play tomorrow night vs. Edmonton.

The Chicago Blackhawks are 6-0 too.

Stats, stats, stats, sweaty Viktor Stalberg blinking magnificently…

Sorry, lost my train of thought there. [Video]

The Hawks have won a number of tight contests, including two one-goal games and two OTs.  Six wins is also a franchise-best for this 85-year old team.

We talked about PKane’s hot start, but Chicago’s getting solid output from all their top players – Kane, Hossa, Sharp and Toews lead the team in points.

Wayne Gretzky said, “You build a pretty good hockey team around Kane and Toews and Hossa, and right now they’re hitting on all cylinders, they’re going to be a tough team to beat.” [Video]

They play tonight vs. Minnesota in a game the NHL Network would have you believe is a big time rivalry.  Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.

Hey @linzerellak & @jfrancesw, what do you think of the Hawks start?  

Okay, I kinda get it.  But what is THIS about?!

When it comes to the Blackhawks, it’s not easy to be the prettiest anything.

You’re well-dressed… till Patrick Sharp walks by.  Feeling reliably heroic… then you see Jonathan Toews.  Rugged?  Try Viktor Stalberg.  Good hair day? Ruined by Brent Seabrook.  You can’t even walk a dog without being upstaged by Duncan Keith and forget being adorable with Joey the Junior Reporter around.

But if you’re Patrick Kane, you can still have the prettiest pass in town.

No-look, cross-ice backhand to the wide-open top scorer for the OT winner? Stunned.  The Stars commentators are stunned.

Time for Jess’ favorite thing: a Patrick Kane Flying Hug.

The Hawks are off to a 4-0 running start, led by Kane’s 7 points.  I know it’s only 4 games, but PK’s play demonstrates what teams were hoping (praying) to see from guys who went overseas during the lockout.  No rust.  Solid conditioning.  Sharp passing, good rhythm and raising the play of everyone else on the ice.

Check out this 3-on-nobody the other night.  Goalies wake up sweating in the middle of the night thinking about things like this:

Cue another Patrick Kane Flying Hug.

At their home opener, the Hawks did one of those red carpet player entrances. These events apparently don’t require approval by the US Occupational Health and Safety Administration.  Tell me the velvet rope creates a safe distance here:

Patrick Kane, feeling like a boss until…

Patrick Sharp, Life Ruiner arrives.  Only to be outdone by:

Check out this sneaky beauty of a Stalberg goal.

Do you think Jamal Mayers…

… and Dave Bolland were mad they wore the same suit, like Kelly & Brenda at the original 90210 prom?

In the end, it doesn’t matter.  It never does.  Everyone’s strutting their stuff, feeling the love until this jerk swaggers in.

He doesn’t even try.

And he doesn’t stop.

Until it’s back to the ice, where someone else might stand a chance.

.gif by michaeldelzotto.tumblr.com

Roster photos are like a walk through a mine field.  Never have so many attractive guys looked like they were kidnapped, stuffed in a trunk and taken to a Walmart Portrait Studio.

Remember that one parent with the plastic comb that “fixed” everyone’s hair on school picture day?  That parent was absent from the Penguins locker room.

I just woke up and why are there girls here?

I just woke up and where is Lazy?

I just woke up and yeah, I look pretty good.

Meanwhile, all capable Pens grow light brown facial hair.  That’s an order.

Vitale, Orpik and even Paul Martin, looking a little like Justin Timberlake, no?

The Blackhawks must have had a big night out before their photos.  This has Walk of Shame written all over it.

Vampires are passé now, Seabs.

But not Toews.  He doesn’t like fun.  He wakes up every morning looking like the high school quarterback who never signed your yearbook, just left you dreaming about that time he breathed on you in the hallway outside English.

I don’t know what happened to Viktor Stalberg here, but this picture isn’t even on Tumblr.  It’s been shunned by the church and we don’t talk about it anymore.

The Capitals, oh man.  Should I be worried that this half of the team:

Pink edit,but I couldn’t find Brooksy anywhere else!

.. isn’t friends with this half of the team?  Because friends don’t let friends get photographed like this.

Then again, has anyone told Mike Green?  I will submit this whole blog to “What Not to Wear.”  Exhibit One: From last year to this year…

I am 99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata.

Tampa Bay obviously has the right idea about photos in general, what with the beaches and the shirtless and the flexing.  But here, Vinny has never looked so French.  He’s the mean food critic from Ratatouille.

Tom Pyatt has the look I get when trying to remember if he’s Tom or Taylor.

And of course, from the Jonathan Toews School of Upstaging Everyone:

Hey girl, let me help you with that yoga pose.

Now that Ebs & Hall have As up in Edmonton, RNH can’t figure out who he should be listening to.

I’m smiling. Smiling’s cool.

Don’t smile. Smiling is for losers.

Mom and Dad, stop fighting!

I can’t deal with the Hurricanes right now.  The Southeast Division is too crowded with people I love for Jordan Staal to be both Jordan Staal AND be in this jersey.  He needs to pick one.

Because there’s already Intern Jeff Skinner.  Look how proud he is of that hair.

It’s not surprising the Rangers run a tight ship.  Like the Yankees before them, their grooming standards are top notch and they don’t let just anybody in looking homeless and hungover.  Looking foxy is very serious in NYC.

I don’t see new shots of Nash & Richards, so I’m holding out hope we can mess up their hair first.

Update: All the Rangers photos. We didn’t get there in time beat slicked-back. (Thanks Beth!)

I’m not going through the Senators roster because frankly, I don’t know them well enough.  I do know that when 95% of your team is smiling for the camera, like they’re actually really excited, that I get excited too.  Overall best in show so far, Ottawa – except that one guy circled below.  Party pooper.

A quick search for San Jose yielded only one photo – but it’s enough.  Just put this down for every name on the roster.  Brent Burns appears to be guest-starring on Sponge Bob Square Pants or Moonshiners.

Cosmopolitan’s Hottest Shark, folks:

More teams as the photos continue to roll in!

This is a few days old, but the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

It doesn’t hurt if you’ve got a smile like Flower’s, either.

Also doing good work for the holidays – the Blackhawks, helping the Greater Chicago Food Depository [link].

Jon’s getting way too much hand-in-pocket there, I think he needs smaller jeans (paging James Neal!).  Or more squats.

.gif by @jobiegirl6

Can we get that for Christmas, Tazer?

The best charity event so far?  Scott Hartnell beat James van Riemsdyk to raise money for Hurricane Sandy relief [link].  Hartnell raised $22k to JvR’s $18k… so JvR went shopping today at the Mall of America, in full hockey gear.

When there’s no hockey on, it’s hard to dislike the Flyers (and former Flyers).

The NHLPA Goals & Dreams Fund and RBC Play Hockey program have their charity game tonight in Toronto.  Alison will be there taking photos for us and trying not to get arrested.

If team Stamkos/Neal isn’t enough, Steven said in an interview this week: ”Hopefully we get back because I’m getting too big in the gym working with Gary [Roberts].’” [link]

And I was said:

by toewslake.tumblr.com

If you see a great hockey-related holiday story, send it to us!  Since I can’t just check team websites, there are surely a lot I’m missing.

An interview in English for a Russian TV station that’s dubbed in French?

Can’t hear over the sound of Viktor Stalberg’s perfection anyway.

Go ahead and watch it in full screen glory.  The light from the camera gets a little warm toward the middle, I think.  This director should tell Viktor he can take off the hat/parka/anything else he feels like.

His eyelashes are so long they make shadows.  Jeeeeeeeeeez.

Viktor has played 4 games for HC Atlant, and has two assists and a +2 rating.  No reports on what was happening with his hair.

Metric system, I would enjoy whatever number I weigh if Viktor’s tipping the scales at 95.  Especially if he’s 191 tall.

This Friday is looking pretty Foxy after all, eh?