What's Up, Ya Sieve

Honestly, sometimes the jokes write themselves.

I was going to talk about Danny Briere’s concussion and No Trade Clause, but I typed “No Trade Claude.”  Why yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

It’s April, the Flyers are last in the Atlantic and I… won’t say anything mean.  I still don’t like them and that’s all.

However, as you know, my traitorous heart does love Danny Briere.  It’s beyond reason.  Out since suffering a concussion in practice on March 23, Danny was back on the ice with the team yesterday.  He could play as soon as Saturday vs. Buffalo. [link]

Danny talks about his injury and the process of returning here.

Stop it, stop being perfect.

Now, why do I even mention this?

1) Concussions can go to hell.  For any player on any team… just the word turns my stomach.

2) I have a not-so-secret wish for the Flyers to make the playoffs and face Pittsburgh in the first round.  I shouldn’t play with fire, but I’d love see the Pens redeem themselves for last year’s debacle.

3) Will Danny get traded to somewhere I can love him openly?

MOST IMPORTANT.  There has been a lot of talk about Briere’s future with the Flyers.  His contract is $6.5 million with two years left (Update: WRONG. Read comment below from KC!).  Last season, Danny was way off his goal-scoring pace, despite personally terrorizing me during the playoffs.  (Seriously – Briere got 16 G in 70 games all year, then 8 G in 11 games during the playoffs.)  He’s also 35, which is NOT old because we are NOT old but we’re almost that old.  In a few years.

Rumors flew that multiple teams were interested in acquiring Briere before the trade deadline, but Danny said publicly he would not waive his No Trade Claude Clause (UPDATE: It’s a No Movement Claude, which means no AHL either. Thanks Jess.).  The man loves Jersey, okay?  His adorakids go to school there, Gingeroux is there, it’s precious.  There was speculation the Flyers might try to push him [link].   If there were ever a viable window to acquire value in exchange for Briere… it passed when he got hurt.

He traded one problem for another.

Now the best/worst solution is for Danny to come back and play well.  He could still help the Flyers make the playoffs.  At the same time, it may prove his viability to other teams.  The better he looks, the more they’ll offer and the harder Philly might lean on him to accept.  Late career trades and waived NTCs are the new dance crazes, don’t you know?

There is also the new CBA’s Amnesty Clause, which the Flyers could use to buy out Danny’s contract this summer.  He’d still get $6.5 mil/year, but the Flyers would free up that amount under their salary cap. [link, link]  They’ d rather have something to show that money, but at least the Amnesty Clause would let them spend it twice.

I don’t know what to feel.

Does anyone know: If the Flyers buy out Briere under the Amnesty Clause, does he become a UFA (like with a regular buyout)?  Could he get $6.5 mill/year AND play somewhere else?  If that’s true, I wouldn’t waive my NTC either. I’d make the Flyers play me or pay me, because I know I can get paid to play somewhere else when it’s over.

(Best we can figure, he’d get 2/3 of $5 million.  See below.)

That’s crazy.

Now we’re past the trade deadline, and Danny is still a Flyer.  If he storms the playoffs again, maybe he convinces the Flyers not to use the Amnesty Clause.  He could scrape into next season and get another crack at… what?  Being worth $6.5 million?  It seems unlikely.  The Flyers need that money and they need it this summer, when teams are more willing to negotiate.

Of course, this Flyers’ summer might be only 10 games away.  Philly fans have had a rough year – we know a few, and like them anyway.  Lord knows we’ve all been there.  So here’s Captain Claude saying nice things about them in perhaps the most orange environment even caught on film.

If Danny gets a buyout or waives his NTC, I promise you a very Persuasive Power Point Presentation on why he should come to one of my teams, co-written by @linzerellak (as suggested by @alisonsykora).

You may recall I once insisted Bauer was falsely advertising their “base layer” collection by featuring all hockey players and no underwear.

They didn’t quite hear me, but they may have understood some of my International Sign language.

That’s right.  My hair-tossing and reasonable facsimile of the Kid N’ Play dance meant please do this:

What’s that?  I’m a nuclear physicist and you need to record my voice to bypass security a break into a missle silo?

You’d better hope the passcode is a bunch of four-letter words and gasping.

Of course, an agent always gets his girl.  And his girl ends up dead, covered in gold and rolled in a hammock in Antigua.

Eh, probably worth it.

There was never a shortage of Bond girls or bad jokes.  Get it – Bauer VAPOR?  Because these were all shot with the humidifier set to stun?  And all my powder compacts are really remote detonators and lock picking sets.

Better hurry up, the shiny villain-type is coming.

Then the money(penny) shot.   They’re thinking: JAMES BOND.

I’m thinking: BOYBAND.

Worked Westlife into a post, complete with Bry(i)an.  Maybe I am a physicist.

Closer, Bauer.  You’re getting closer.  No pressure, but when other athletes model… well, I’m not even sure what they’re selling, but I’ll buy it.

Maybe that’s what happens on 4.18 when…

Time for my daily existential Danny Briere-related crisis.

The Caps are so frustratingly bad right now that I swore I would not go tonight’s game.  Despite taking 8 penalties in the first 34 minutes of last night’s match vs. Toronto, they managed to drag a one goal lead into the third period… and still blew it.  The postmortem is here - you’ve been warned.

So I’m boycotting.  Save money, right?  Make sound financial decisions while being warm and well fed in the comfort of my own home?

Trouble is, tonight is against the Flyers.

Pam is right, of course.  I’m so weak!  To make matters worse, the Flyers have conspired against me.

Danny will play on on Claude’s line tonight [link].

Supposedly it’s an attempt to kickstart the Flyers anemic offense, which is averaging just 2 goals per game and currently ranked 26th overall.  Last year’s leading goal scorer Scott Hartnell is out 4-6 weeks with a broken foot.  No Philly player has over 5 total points.  They’re 2-5 on the year.

Okay, it’s bad.  But it’s still just a cover story to make this possible…

… and to make sure I have to go.  What does Claude think of this?

.gif by firedupflyeredup.tumblr.com

It’s Date Night in DC.  [Giroux interview - Briere interview]

The trouble is that I don’t want the Flyers hugging!  Not against the Caps, not against anyone – except the Rangers, and then I feel a general, tidal sort of rage that could swamp anyone in it’s path.

I don’t want to see a ‘strolling across your devastated defense’ arm-in-arm…

Or a ‘nice try, Jeff Schultz’ fist-bump…

Nothing.  Not even reenacting this best gif ever:

Can the Caps get it together?  Neuvirth was the one bright spot last night – he stopped a few beauties, kept his team in the game.  Perhaps it’s the right recipe: the Caps biggest strength in goal vs. the Flyers biggest weakness on offense.

At 1-5-1 on the season, the Caps need something to go right.  Tonight kicks off a 3-game home stand that includes the Penguins on Sunday (whoop!) and a rematch with Toronto.  Tonight could be the night.

That’s what I’ll be telling myself later, from the Flyers side of the pre-game skate.

I’m swamped today, but there’s always time for this!

Claude Giroux named Captain of the Flyers

Of course, you know that already [Press Release].  Personally I would have gone with Briere (shocking).  Can our Flyer fan friends weigh on Claude’s locker room leadership type?  It’s certainly good marketing sense to make your highest profile player captain – see Crosby, Toews, Landeskog.

I hope someone pranks him by putting a G on his jersey Saturday.  G for Giroux and C for Crosby… this is going to be The Perfect Game.

Here’s The Ginge with his short hair covered by a hat.  What do we think?

More importantly, what is this girl thinking?

Yup, same thing we are.  She even gets a question in… complete with the half blush/smile that G would earn from anyone with two X chromosomes. [video]

This girl rules.  Smart, hockey oriented, not impervious to masculinity.  We want to be friends with her.  She can keep us informed on Claude and the Flyers while we spend the whole time mumbling curses and boiling bats wings in the office basement.

Update: You guys are quick.  That is Sarah Baicker, who covers the Flyers for Comcast Sportsnet.  You can follow her at @sbaickerCSN.  We suggest you do.

Until Saturday, capitaine…

Oh, you read all the way to the bottom and thought I might not mention Jordan Eberle!  Mwahahaha.  I got my Ebs shirt in the mail yesterday… and Ebs got the A in Edmonton.  He’ll be the Oilers full-time alternate captain, while Taylor Hall and Nick Schultz share the other one.  [Interview Video]

That’s my boy! #TeamEbs 

You #TeamHall folks can submit a question here, for Taylor’s “Ask an Oiler” feature tomorrow.  Someone ask for his all-time clumsiest moment, it must be a whopper.

Welcome to the Land of Nothing Left to Talk About, where I dredge the internet for blog topics.  Today, I got a kick out of these:

From GongshowGear.com

First of all, who researches these pants?  Do they go around measuring hockey players?  Or better yet, is there a back room and one of those tailor pedestals involved?  Then we could get a squat-test and time how long it takes to get them off… like Field Day at camp, it’s Field Day with Pants.  (See what I did there?)

All you need are some boots with the furrrrrrrr.

A liiiiiiiiiiiiiitle highher…

Secondly, I work for free.  You should see the pillow I sewed in 7th grade Home Ec class!  I’m resourceful too – in case I need to tie two tape measures together to get all the way around some of these boys.

Squats, squats, squats, squats, squats, squats…

“Hockey butt” is, of course, a real thing.  In ski racing we call is “Alpine Ass.”  With the popularity of backsides these days, perhaps I should have kept that up.  The topic was recently featured on ESPN.com and has a Facebook page.  Crosby’s custom jeans are legend.  It perhaps surprises no one that Gingergoux’s backside has it’s own Tumblr.

Yeah, we get it.

Don’t forget the less famous guys who are dragging some serious wagons.  In .gif form, you really have to wonder how iCarly even got these shorts on.

GAH, if only we could pause it! I can.

The phenomenon starts early.  I can guarantee RNH did not buy these shorts in Okalahoma City.

My favorite rap lyric of all time is, “Is that your ass, or’s your mama half reindeer?”  from ‘Shake Ya Tailfeather’ by Nelly.  It’s been on my running mix since 2007.  Today I really hope my work checks my internet search history.  That’ll be a fun meeting.

The best part of these Gongshow pants is the inside.  (Isn’t it always?)  Check out the waistband:

But what does the fly say?!  That’s your mission.  First person to send me a photo of the first word gets a prize.  Bonus points if it’s on a guy when you take it.

Extra bonus points if he can’t get them off.

Just in case tomorrow really is the end of the world, it’s been fun.  The lockout can’t ruin hockey for me.  I decide what I love about it, like the Penguins and Capitals at the same time.  Throw in a Flyer while you’re at it.  Expansion teams, underage boyfriends, never remembering if the Blackhawks are in my time zone… ah, the good old days.

From facebook.com/hockeymemepage

The last game I went to was a Caps playoff win and, as I said at the time [link], “officially the most fun I’ve ever had at a hockey game.”  The one before that, also playoffs, I dragged Gator out of bed at 7 AM on a Saturday like I knew something amazing was going to happen.  Then Mike Green scored the GWG.

If this is it, I ended on a high note.  Now I can look back at a few things I’ll take with me when we go.

Pants’ Favorite WUYS Moments (old and new)

The first picture I ever posted of Mike Green.  In the 2+ years since this post, our fandom relationship has had enough ups + downs to qualify as chick lit.

The Crosby Comeback (Part I).  Of all the things I could say about Sid – Where are you supposed to look when you look at him?  No place is safe! –  I love how excited I was for his return [link] and that it was a hundred times better in real life. [link]

The way these girls are looking at Jordan Eberle.  You can substitute another player (I wouldn’t) and some full-size chairs, but that’s us.

The James Neal shootout goal that named the Nealmobile.  It was the start of something.  I’m sure you can hear us in the screaming.

The blinding perfection of Steven Stamkos.  Also how high he can jump.  I don’t run away from just anyone in the street.

In Vegas, Intern Jeff Skinner won the Calder Trophy (even though I was rooting for Couture).  This is one of my all-time favorite posts.

The Toewsface. There are so many, each perfect in its own way.  Each one judging you.  Never mind the body it’s attached to.

Camp Biological Clock Biosteel.  And the start of this video where Nealer and Seguin check themselves out in the mirror.

Viktor Stalberg and Andrew Shaw show off their not-so-secret identities. Bless the girl who talks them out of their shirts in under two minutes, teach us your Jedi mind tricks [link].

My fondness for gingers hit a new high/low, depending on how you feel about Claude Giroux. [link]  You ought to be corrupted by now.

Speaking of: if you Google “hockey plaid suits,” we are 2 of the top 5 results.

Then I admitted that I love Danny Briere, right around the time he had to stand on a box to be interviewed. [link]

Gabe Landeskog discovered Instagram & Twitter, could not find a shirt. [link]

When Chuck’s team won it all, and I was really happy for her. [link]

Then my team won Pants vs. Chuck and I was really happy for myself. [link]  Now we actively hate each other’s teams, which makes this all more fun.

Finally I was convinced about Tyler Seguin [link], and Chuck managed to hold herself together. [link]

I didn’t do so badly myself, thanks. (Except for that Stamkos thing.) [link]

My one regret will be if I don’t see another Penguins game.  I’ve forgiven but not forgotten the end of last season, and I’d prefer to wash it from my mind with champagne poured from the Cup.  God, I was so angry at them [link]!  We all need a mulligan sometimes.

My feelings can be summed up by Nike Hockey’s new ad campaign.  What are you going to do, take away my Stamkos?  Sure they’re talking about the lockout, but they could be talking about the apocalypse.  Wherever we end up when this is over, I hope there’s hockey.  And Stammer.  Then cold is okay too.

Because #hockeyisours.

Mostly I hope you’ve had fun with us over the last 2 years.  I love this place and every hilarious, inappropriate, hockey-loving member of this little family.

And if the world doesn’t end tomorrow, you know what that means…

FOXY-POCALYPSE FRIDAY.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ewan McGregor.

Nope.  Claude Giroux, how dare you cut your glorious, unruly mop of hair?  And honestly, how small is your waist?!

But really.

It’s not exactly the right style, but I burst into a chorus of Weezer’s “Buddy Holly” when I first saw these pictures.  This hair is made for 50′s buttoned-up Brylcreem perfection.

It doesn’t really mess well, and if you wear a helmet all the time… well, we’ll see.  Euro styling is having the opposite effect on Seguin and I think we prefer it.

Still, ginger is ginger.

with Hunter Hayes

But more ginger is better.

And G’s is the best.

Sigh.  My world is practically ginger-free without hockey and that is a sad, monochromatic thing.  I think I’ll watch Brave for inspiration.

(Thanks to everyone who sent us these.  This lockout has not slowed your internet sleuthing.)

Remember hockey?

That’s it.  No man candy this week, just saves and goals and hits and shots and the new all-time low I hit every single day while we wait for this to end.

How bad is it?  I’ll even take highlights set to Nickelback.  I’d take Nickelback themselves right now, provided they brought Claude Giroux and a t-shirt gun.

I’d take Phil Kessel straight off a red-eye flight from Manitoba after a bad loss.

I’d take Pierre Maguire, even without Mike Richards.

I told you: new all-time lows happening daily.

BRyan at 0:55.  Ebs at 1:45.  Geno at 2:58.  Flower at 3:26.  Of all the things I miss, I miss this the most.

If you got 21 seconds with Jonathan Toews, is this how you would spend it?

I used to be a ski racer.  I can have someone out of that much gear with time left over for hot chocolate.

Bauer hired Toews, Kane, all the Staals (sorry Jared) AND Giroux to star in their new “base layer” (read: underwear) commercials.  If we’d been aware of this…

And you’ll wish we had.  WHAT A WASTE!  Don’t they know we’re in a lockout?  We don’t get to see any fighting or yelling or 24/7, no “Gabe: Prom?” signs or bromances or sweating.  It’s a hockey recession and this is like burning perfectly attractive money.

This one’s funny though.

I can’t always tell the Staaaaaaaaals apart without golden wings and Intern Jeff Skinner hanging around.

I’m not convinced the picture of underwear at the end has anything to do with it.  Are there laws against false advertising?

Kaner and his shirt off go together like shits & giggles, but we get this:

The biggest waste of them all?  He didn’t wear a shirt all summer and there’s no beer pong in sight.

If the lockout doesn’t get sorted soon, I suggest the NHLPA hire us as their PR department.  We’ll go all off out and put those #theplayers approval ratings through the roof.

Thanks, as always, to our girls:

PS: You know it’s a good day when you can use a Ke$ha lyric in a post.

Lockout, Day 11: Anger Management 

Since I have nothing better to do than troll the internet while self-medicating with Taylor Swift songs, I’ve found a few gems.  The kind that make you smile and cry at the same time.

Bleacher Report: 50 Storylines the NHL Lockout is Making Us Miss

It took me a few tries to get through the whole list, I was getting so upset.  Is/Was this the year that Ebs-Hall-RNH and the Oilers get that turnaround?  Is there something uglier than Nashville’s third jersey waiting for us?  How about Movember – WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!  Then this:

Can we get a close-up?

Grilled Cheese vs. PB&J

Aaaggghhhwellllp.  That is so hot.  I had almost forgotten that I ship this hatred as much as any bromance in the League.  Just NOT THE FACE, okay?  Don’t mess up my view from this side of the glass.

Not that I’ve forgotten how morning-after, walk-of-shame bad it looked for the Pens at the end of last season.  Or the fact that Giroux was so scary good he should have at least been nominated for the Hart Trophy.  That is some blasphemy coming from a Pens fan who is also completely fanflail over Stamkos.  But it’s true!  I hate him, I hate him, he’s amazing.  GAH!

Giroux making Sid’s android emotion chip short circuit always reminds me of:

How’s the wrist holding up?

The best part of this?  It’s not going anywhere.  No matter how long it takes to get back to hockey, these two will still hate each other.  It’ll even get better, since Sid will be back in full force and full-time (however long that is).  Bonus for me: concentrating on the Pens/Flyers rivalry eases my traitorous heartache about loving the Capitals at the same time.  Slut.

So in these dark days, hold on to the fact that life will be this:

vs. this again someday.

Dear Universe, Please Hurry. Love, Pants (#teamcrosby)