What's Up, Ya Sieve

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Jared Staal will make his NHL debut tonight with the Hurricanes.  That means Eric, Jordan and Jared will all be on the ice!  Marc, who’s still recovering from an eye injury and the subsequent “I told you so!” of Mama Staal, made the trip with the Rangers.  Trust he’ll be looking all ginger in the press box.

Your LL Bean Boyfriend just ran for the hills.

Jared has been playing for the AHL’s Charlotte Checkers.  he only has 3 G/3A in 37 games this season, but who cares?  The Canes aren’t making the playoffs and this is a much better story.  Put me in coach, I’m ready to play!

I have a sneaking suspicion he may be my Favorite Staal of All, based solely on these two graphics:

The real question: What is Jared going to wear on his jersey?  We already have a J. Staal.  Will he wear Ja. Staal?  J. Staal 2.0?  Jared wears #22 in Charlotte, but Zac Dalpe wears it in Raleigh.

Both 10 and 13 are open though – then he could line up numerically with his brothers and we’ll do a segment for Sesame Street, brought to you by sod.

Correction: 10 is retired by the Canes, as pointed out by @ericmac20.  As soon as he said it, I thought, “Ron Francis!” My mistake.  That I would forget a former Penguin from back-to-back Cup winning teams, who scored a Cup-clinching goal – sheesh.  It’s like 50 First Dates in here.  (Also, Jared will wear #34.  Thanks for nothing, kid.)

How Canada sells t-shirts.

I’m telling you, when aliens come to Earth and immediately try to contact the dominant species, they’re going right for the Staals.

Jared will need a nickname to join JStaal (Favorite Staal), EStaal (2nd Favorite Staal) and Ginger Stall (or Cinnamon Staal).  Who’s got suggestions?

Oh holiday season, with your feelings of family and togetherness.  There have been babies everywhere lately – my Thanksgiving, Christmas, office.

And my Twitter feed:

Too much?  Not enough?  Keep scrolling for more cute.

Rangers, Flyers… it’s not the kids fault.

Parker Staal has his own Tumblr feed, thankyouverymuch.

Madison Quick could be our mascot. When she grows up, we have a feeling she’ll love being named after the mermaid from Splash!

This is Joe Thornton, in case you’re not Chuck.  She knows.

Baby skates.  Just stop it.

We have not seen a picture of Baby Letang yet, but rumor has it Marc-Andre Fleury and his wife are expecting.  Milan Lucic and his wife of the sparkly high heels are having a baby this winter too.  Happy holidays, everyone!!

People are talking about Tom Brady and Aaron Rodgers on 12.12.12, but we here at WUYS know how to party.

Happy Eric Staal Day!  

One of the worst things about this lockout is the delay of seeing Eric and Jordan on the same team.  This was going to be their year!  (Jordan got 11.11.11 and it fell on a Foxy Friday – he’s my favorite Staal, what can I say?)

It’s time to unmask the “sod farm” they supposedly grew up on for what it really is – an extremely successful Canadian genetic engineering facility.

In the event of zombie apocalypse, the “sod farm” might be overrun with resourceful woman volunteering to help repopulate the Earth.

Ever the over-achiever, Captain Eric has a head start with two adorable children already.  This is Parker, our future intern.

Well, maybe Eric has three kids.

If you’ve never attended a Canes game and seen EStaal in person, you are missing out on a MAJOR AWARD.  Plus Intern Jeff Skinner wants to know why you don’t visit him like you promised.

Celebrate 12.12.12 by watching these instead:

What, were you doing something else today?

If you got 21 seconds with Jonathan Toews, is this how you would spend it?

I used to be a ski racer.  I can have someone out of that much gear with time left over for hot chocolate.

Bauer hired Toews, Kane, all the Staals (sorry Jared) AND Giroux to star in their new “base layer” (read: underwear) commercials.  If we’d been aware of this…

And you’ll wish we had.  WHAT A WASTE!  Don’t they know we’re in a lockout?  We don’t get to see any fighting or yelling or 24/7, no “Gabe: Prom?” signs or bromances or sweating.  It’s a hockey recession and this is like burning perfectly attractive money.

This one’s funny though.

I can’t always tell the Staaaaaaaaals apart without golden wings and Intern Jeff Skinner hanging around.

I’m not convinced the picture of underwear at the end has anything to do with it.  Are there laws against false advertising?

Kaner and his shirt off go together like shits & giggles, but we get this:

The biggest waste of them all?  He didn’t wear a shirt all summer and there’s no beer pong in sight.

If the lockout doesn’t get sorted soon, I suggest the NHLPA hire us as their PR department.  We’ll go all off out and put those #theplayers approval ratings through the roof.

Thanks, as always, to our girls:

PS: You know it’s a good day when you can use a Ke$ha lyric in a post.

The NHLPA and NHL cannot get anything done.  Neither can I.   Only the reasons are different.

The NHL sees this photo and says: So you think you can dance?

The NHLPA posts this photo and says: Goonies never say die.

I see this photo and say: Where is my damn Mexicola, Intern Jeff Skinner?!

Just put me out of my misery already.  Every laugh turns into tears.

If I were not so pissed about the looming lockout, I would find this caption hysterical.

Apparently Intern Jeff Skinner is much smarter than the intern who captioned this photo of Eric Staal.  Either that, or Jeff’s moonlighting at the Associated Press.

I know it’s just a typo, but is it an omen?  Does it demonstrate why the NHL can’t afford a lockout, or simply highlight that a lot of people (who don’t read this blog) won’t care if they have one?

Last year was tough for the Carolina Hurricanes.

EStaal was minus-257 (ish) on the season.  Intern Jeff Skinner had a concussion and was limited to 20 goals.  Cam Ward’s save percentage was 36th among goalies (down from 17th the year before).  They picked up a little after getting a new coach in Kirk Muller, but still finished 23rd overall.

So you know what this summer is about.

Does Eric Staal look like a captain who messes around?  Or does he scrape a bad season off the windshield like a bug and intend to do something about it?

Action shot of Eric preparing to wipe the ice with someone and not laugh.

Eric (and management, though I prefer to think just of Eric) thought about how the Canes could get better: like more goals (ranked 16th overall) and a better power play (20th overall).  Then they looked around the NHL.

Action shot of Eric looking.

 The old saying goes, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”   Next best bet: “Get a slightly different version of your own DNA to do it for you.”

Saved this photo as “staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals.jpg.”

You all heard me wailing when Jordan turned down 10 years with Pittsburgh.  He got traded to Carolina during his wedding reception (Ray Shero does not do the Electric Slide), and promptly signed an almost identical deal with Carolina.  It’s a great move from JStaal even if I get a little dramatic talking about it.

Farewell, my prince.

Since Jared Staal (I haven’t figured out how to abbreviate him yet) is already in the Canes system, Eric is just putting the band back together.  Ginger Staal can stay in NYC  (for now) in case they need a place to crash for New Year’s Eve.

Three down, one to go.

Consider the potential for mighty wings and Amish beards.  Now off-the-charts.

Out the right side of the plane, you’ll see a sod farm.

With Jordan on board, Eric turned the bus toward Washington, DC.  Or the outskirts, since that’s probably how far Alex Semin walked in the time the Caps did not re-sign him.  He started this walk in November, which explains a lot about how he played this season.  (Sorry I’m not sorry).

But (but, but, but), Alex Semin is an awesome natural talent.  It think Carolina is a great fit for him because 1) no Ovi and 2) no Ovi.  I’m not crazy about AO GR8 either, but he and Sasha were poison for each other.  Ovi gets lazy.  This time last year we thought he might put Jennifer Hudson out of a job as Weight Watchers spokesperson.  He helped run Boudreau out of town.  All the while Semin hid behind him like a bratty little brother.  When he did something good, #sashacares would trend on Twitter.  Sarcastic, yes.  Also true.

I wish I’d made this. Of course it’s from www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com.

Semin needs to be on his own.  Cut him loose, see if he can fly.  He has the ability to make $7 million/year look like a good deal.  Does he have the chutzpah?  If anyone can make him prove it, I think EStaal is the man for the job.  Eric has three little brothers + two kids + Skinner and does not put up with this crap.

Censoredcensoredcenored ARMS.

When Semin gets on track, I’ll be equal parts furious and face-palming.

What will this season bring for the Canes?  Coach Muller intends to test drive the Staal/Staal line in training camp [link], likely with Eric on the wing.  If they go Staal-Staal-Skinner, I swear that I will have the adorable-ocalypse meltdown.

Or they could roll two deep in front, with back-to-back Staal-centered lines and Semin alongside.    The Canes lost Brandon Sutter in the trade to Pittsburgh, who is “arguably the Canes’ best defensive forward” [link].  Well JStaal’s got that in spades, having been nominated in ’11 for the Selke Trophy.

More offense, more defense.  Things are looking sweet in Carolina.

(Red Sox fan.  I had to.)

I like the Hurricanes for no reasons other than my soft spot for expansion teams and my combined love for EStaal, Ward & Intern Jeff Skinner.  Maybe I always knew they’d get Jordan.  Maybe I just want a road trip to worship at the Shrine of Staal, as suggested by @thekitchenette.  Either way I hope the Canes do well this year.  Just not as well as the Caps.  Or the Lightning.

So really not that well at all.

ACK.  My Southeast Conference “Kill-F***-Marry” is getting crowded.  If the NHL realigns [link], I trade the Bolts for the Pens and things are even worse.  Basically I’d root for Carolina to finish 3rd in whatever their conference might be.  Realignment would require them to top the Flyers and Rangers for that to happen, landing behind Pittburgh and Washington in my ultimate fantasy reality.  No problem, right?

Now that I’ve confessed my crazy endgame, be honest.  How many of you have been window shopping new teams/players clothing this summer?

You know those movies where every single thing happens in one day and you’re thinking, “Right, who ever has a day like that?”

Then in the middle of this:

This happens:

The trade was tempered by news on Wednesday that Jordan turned down a 10-year, $60 million deal with the Penguins.  He had one year left on his contract, and without a long-term lockup it appeared he was packing his bags.

Still when Shero announced the trade at the draft, I had one of these moments:

The move makes sense – Jordan wants an expanded role and had a career season (25G, 25A) to set himself up.  But with Crosby (hopefully) back full time and the Malkin-Neal chemistry boiling over, Jordan’s ice time can only go down.  So Carolina becomes Team Staal.

Intern Jeff Skinner knows we’ll finally visit now, and he thinks we’re jerks.

(From from ohaicarolina.tumblr.com)

Losing Jordan seems like a crazy detriment to the Pens grit and heart, but Ray Shero has proven many times that he’s right and we should shut up and watch. In exchange for Jordan, the Pens got Brandon Sutter, a very well-suited third line center, defensive prospect Brian Dumoulin and the #8 overall pick (used on dman Derrick Pouliot).

(Buy this here.)

Guys get embarrassed when I cry in front of the whole class, so the Penguins sent photos from Jordan’s wedding to soften the impact of the trade.

To make me laugh, Sid continued with the ludicrous charade of trying to fit his paws into tiny pockets.   

Neal wanted me to feel better, so he existed (mullet and all).

 These two together.  James hates buttons and Crosby is scared of girls – I think this cheer-up campaign is working.

The moral of the story is: get invited to the next Penguins wedding.  Fleury, maybe?  Or Letang, now that he’s going to be a dad?  Maybe if we’re really lucky, the Penguins will sign someone new just in time for his wedding this summer…

It won’t even matter what we wear, because no way we’re the best looking people at the party.

There are lots of photos on Tumblr – looks like everyone had fun.  Congratulations to Jordan all around.  I won’t even be bitter, since the Canes come to DC more often then the Pens, and Raleigh is 30 miles closer to my house than Pittsburgh.  And, of course, there will always be this:

Someone we know once posted this to Facebook:

Thanks, Paul C.

Safe to say that hashtag also applies to:

Biebs skated with the Leafs  [link] in a track suit because they didn’t have any Youth Medium hockey gear laying around.  Look at his pants – I bet they’re rolled at the waist too.  Phaneuf is all, “You said Disney princesses!  I brought my Ariel lunchbox to get signed!”  I don’t think JB’s huge diamond stud earrings would fit under a helmet.

In a totally unrelated story, look which ad is featured on NHL.com today:

This triggered a chorus of “MissyouWhyPhiladelphiaagainSid’sdryerislonely” from my office.  And I haven’t even been watching 24/7!  But I’ll catch up now so as to not miss the triumphant return of Claude Giroux.  He wasn’t concussed, he was just saving up points.

Hahahahaha, NHL.com, you so funny.

Gingeroux had 1 G/3A in the Flyers win over Dallas last night [link].  He missed 4 games and still holds the NHL lead in points scored with 43.  Alright fine, you kinda like him don’t you?  Gross.

As predicted,  Pens’ Deryk Engelland will have a hearing with Shanahan today over his hit on Marcus Kruger [link].  Kruger did not play last night as the Hawks piled up on the Habs.  Corey Crawford, who has been benched in favor of Ray Emery for the last 6 games, was pretty impressive in net for Chicago.  Also applause-worthy is Jonathan Toews tying Stamkos for the NHL goal-scoring lead (it was an empty net but we’ll take it!)

Love everything about this.

Colorado won their 7the straight home game [link], which would be really exciting if they hadn’t also lost their last 9 road games.  But now they’re at .500 and they have 3 home games left before the end of the year.  They could be pulling up into the top 8 in the West pretty quickly.

And if you’re still watching, the Hurricanes blew a 3-1 lead to Phoenix last night in a really hard loss.  They are 2-6-2 under their new coach and are last in the East with just 26 points.  Apparently the fact that I really like the Canes and that their mascot Stormy is “an anthropomorphic ice hog” (Wikipedia gem) doesn’t count for much these days.  I’ll keep writing letters to Santa and maybe he can give EStaal and the boys a break.

I’m all for the old-fashioned let your kids play outside and get dirty, and yeah sometimes they get hurt.  They’re kids, that’s the way it goes.  But when it comes to multi-million dollar professional athletes:

WEAR A VISOR.

Martin St. Louis was hit in the face during Tampa Bay’s practice yesterday.  He suffered facial and nasal fractures that can’t even be properly determined until the swelling in his face goes down.  This is the man who, in last year’s playoffs, had a two teeth knocked out, a double root canal and was back on the ice the next day.  We know you’re tough, Squishy.  And right now you’re “out indefinitely” with an avoidable injury.

Last week Jordan Staal caught  a puck near the eye against Carolina.  The camera cut to Eric, looking worried and probably thinking, “Shit, Mom is going to kill us.”  Jordan, who has been seriously injured by a shot to the face before, was lucky to have no structural damage and didn’t miss any games.  But he has played the last two matches with a visor.

There are a million instances of visor-preventable injuries.  Hell, even Pronger’s wearing one now after his most recent stick-to-the-face.  I think visors should be mandatory.  Remember before helmets were compulsory, and how totally asinine that seems now?  As much fun as it was to watch Craig MacTavish’s curls blowing in the wind, by the time he was the only bare-headed player on the ice he looked foolish and antiquated.

I know some players hate visors.  I understand how it can disrupt peripheral vision and create distortion when you look out from underneath.  Puck Daddy’s anonymous NHL-er “The Player” made his case this week, prior to St. Louis’ injury [link].  I wear glasses for distance and it was a long-term process to adjust, especially since I don’t wear them all the time.  But you do get used to it.  And if everyone wears a visor, any disadvantage is negated.

These days, with “player safety” as much the NHL’s industry buzz-word as “Kardashian” is to gossip mags, the simple argument of “I don’t like it” seems petulant.  People don’t like wearing seat belts or eating vegetables, but it’s stupid not too.  And when you get hurt, we can’t just say I told you so.  We count the cost in man-games lost, points unscored and positions left open.

Obviously a visor won’t prevent all injuries.  There’s also the issue of fighting, which the League hates to love, and the stigma of throwing punches with a shield on.  If everyone wears a visor, does everyone ditch their helmet and whip their hair before duking it out?  Who knows.  Don Cherry thinks only wusses and Europeans wear visors.  I disagree – I think smart guys who dream of long careers wear visors.  You’re going to get hurt playing hockey, that much is clear.  Limit injuries where possible and save your blood for another battle.