The NHL wants to make up for the lockout, draw casual fans back into hockey and perhaps attract some new ones in a less turbulent year, because we’re still really mad at them. Right?
Not now, girls.
Er, we may be feeling warmer and fuzzier and playoff-ier…
Seriously! Hold it together.
Then someone says:
from NBC Chicago
OKAY, WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!
So much for being cool.
He should’ve known better.
Five outdoor games have been announced for next season, including Penguins/Blackhawks at Soldier Field, Chicago on March 1, 2014.
Also known as:
Or was it…
The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.
Whatever they call it, we’re going. You’re invited. Get started now.
Don’t forget to pack your:
Because this trip is:
Apparently this is all still being finalized. Good luck with that, because you already yelled fire in a crowded room.
During last night’s Capitals vs. Penguins game, the role of the Caps was played by Honey Boo Boo:
Or maybe she was playing me, and those pumpkins are my fumbled, oddly-shaped emotions.
The Capitals can juggle two things. Or two periods of hockey. It’s the third thing, usually the middle period, that falls apart and smacks them in the face.
My balancing act fails when my favorite team spanks my second favorite team so hard that I feel it two states away.
Last night the Caps took a 1-0 lead into the second period. Then this happened:
That’s 5 goals in the second period. And I loved every single one of them.
Pssst Ebs, consider a different color for your pants.
Malkin threading the top corner! Neal coming across the slot on the backhand like he’s putting his coat over a puddle so your new shoes don’t get wet on the way to dinner!
I even experimented with Things that Can be Done in Five Minutes:
1) I make a sandwich.
2) Crosby scores a goal. On order.
He wouldn’t take half your sandwich after. He’s that kind of guy.
But the second period was also my nightmare. I hate to see the Caps get embarrassed, especially now when their mental state (or is it mine?) is fragile and their confidence shot. I’ve started making outrageous bargains with the universe, like “If I found a magic lamp, I’d use one wish to help the Caps” and “If I give up bagels, the Caps will start winning.”
Shockingly, that hasn’t worked. The fates do not care what I eat for breakfast.
Is it panic time now? Everywhere you look, people are piling up kindling like they’re going to burn the Caps for the insurance money.
I can offer no remedies for the Caps except baked goods, and this situation is beyond even cupcakes. So I’ll just watch through my fingers and hope that somehow, someway, this turns around before all is lost for the Caps in 2013.
Frankly, I cannot risk depressed Mike Green getting any more tattoos. Mikey Monday could be on the line here, people. This is serious.
At the 1:28 mark of this post-practice interview from yesterday, watch how James Neal responds to being reunited on-ice with Malkin.
It’s like his first day back at school, seeing that girl he had a crush on last year.
In actual hockey news (sigh of relief), it looks like James is going to play the un-point on the Pens power play to start the season. He’ll be “roving” the ice near Letang’s regular station at the blue line. [link]
Errr, okay. As much as Neal & Letang next to each other could probably reverse the Earth’s magnetic poles, Nealer’s about the wrist shot. It’s dazzling. It’s accurate. Seeing him just behind the faceoff circle, waiting for the drop pass… it makes me weak in the twine.
He’s not going to score a lot from the blue line. The idea seems to be for James to play “everywhere” and feed the puck to Crosby and Malkin (or back to Letang). It sounds like a dream strategy, unless the guy you’re taking the puck away from is the reigning NHL-leader in PPG (Neal had 18 last season).
Alas, this is a problem I want to have. Embarrassment of riches! Trust in Disco Dan! (And pre-season optimism.) With guys like Crosby and Malkin on the sides, let’s hope some middle lanes open and James gets the puck. I don’t care who scores ‘em.
Wait, I do. I didn’t fantasy draft Sid or Geno, dammit.
I wish we could do a preview of every team for the upcoming season, but there is no time. Also I’ve forgotten where everyone was traded to or signed. Saturday is going to be like Christmas morning, where I open every broadcast after guessing what’s inside and find a bonus Staal or Nash.
You knew it would happen. No one can be this hilarious and adorable (and talented) without landing in the Foxy Friday history books.
Also, as a Pens fan, I know that life without Geno is a cold, sad place in which James Neal scores no goals.
I could (and might) look at pictures of Evengi Malkin all day long. How does one guy have so many hilarious photos?
There is some room for debate here (more commonly know as The Michael Phelps Dilemma). Is Geno hot or not? Sometimes you get this:
And the next minute it’s this:
But mostly, I think of Geno as:
And definitely:
After all, Geno has a lot going for him. He led the NHL in points last season, which earned him the Art Ross Trophy. He also won the Hart Trophy as NHL MVP and carried off the World’s Best Acceptance Speech title at the same time:
If you’re not squeeing, you are a robot.
Geno works hard:
Plays hard:
And brings his cute friends around all the time. What more do you want?
Admit it, you’re jealous he’s not on your team. Speaking of teams, in a world where Crosby fears to touch anyone (he’s a Confessor, a la The Sword of Truth series), Geno hugs EVERYTHING.
Heck, he’s even hugged Ovi. All creatures great and small love Geno.
Don’t forget Geno’s sense of humor, because girls want a guy who can make them laugh (on Twitter). Do parentheses mean something else in Russian? He and Ovi both go crazy for them. During the World Juniors:
Perhaps Geno’s greatest accomplishment is to be engaged in a bromance that actually makes me jealous.
No really, they are in love. Geno was a huge part of Nealmobile’s 40 goal/81 point season, which must be why he thinks James is so lazy.
Watching them on the same line is so perfect, I’m like:
Moral of the story: When Evgeni Malkin says “I’m score,” he doesn’t just mean on the ice. He means in life. Awards shows:
And brightening the lives of children by identifying Russia on this globe.
He’s pretty perfect, right?
Totally.
So there you have it – Evgeni Malkin, Foxy Friday. GIRLS LOVE. You can argue with popularity… but you’d be wrong.
Geno is playing actual hockey right now in Russia, for Metallurg Magnitogorsk. He had a goal and two assists yesterday. SIGH. Keep an eye on Twitter for live feeds of most of the games, and turn up the Russian to really make your boss wonder what is going on.
If you’re on wondering where that is, here’s part of the Google Maps directions from my house. Very helpful. (The earth is only 24,901 miles around, surely it would be shorter to go the other way?)
Chuck and I need a brain-cleansing after reading that disturbingly crazy stuff at Crossing Broad. As per usual, Geno to the rescue!
What are your shorts? What is your hat? I can’t even come up with a name for the thing around your waist to ask what it might be.
The orange trucker hat really does it though. Malkin is like that crazy aunt who wears wacky outfits and is always smiling, always bringing candy and making you wish you were a nicer, happier, more fun person.
I can never see Geno being Geno and not have my day improved dramatically.
Did everyone enjoy the Nickelback Convention last night? The Awkard Turtle Unfunny Comedy Tour?
There were a few bright spots, like Will Arnett. Especially when he shanabanned Ovi for blocking Brooks Laich’s parking spot and sentencing him to ride on the back of Mike Green’s scooter.
WHY CAN’T THIS BE REAL LIFE?
While peering between our fingers at the anguish of embarrassment onstage, we of course noted how well-dressed and handsome most of the NHL looked. After months of beards that would get a guy double-frisked at the airport, it’s a reminder that hockey players clean up pretty nicely. Here are some of our favorite fashion moves:
THE PLAID
If you Google “Giroux plaid suit,” three of the top six results are from this blog. No joke. That’s 42% – the same percentage of Claude Giroux‘s clothes that are plaid. Coincidence? He wore this to Media Day:
One plaid is not enough.
Of course, the plaid-tasticness on display at the Awards ceremony, where Claude was announced as the EA Sports NHL13 cover winner. He said, “I’m not sure I’m a model.” Only because celebs don’t get photographed wearing the same clothes every damned day.
Claude did bring something new to the show – BizNasty. This was my favorite moment of the Red Carpet because all three of them were thinking the same thing (as the rest of us): Sex tape.
THE VEST
This is by far our favorite fashion trend. Adam Henrique has been wearing this three-piece suit for weeks now – hey, he had to do a lot of playoff pressers. Here’s hoping he’s got a whole closet full of them. The purple tie/lavender shirt combo is trending without being obnoxious. While he didn’t win the Calder, he still looks like a Major Award.
The last time Steven Stamkos won a Rocket Richard Trophy, he wore a shiny silver suit. It was okay if you really like Ben Stiller’s character from Dodgeball, but Stammer also had to stand next to Crosby the whole time. This year, he knew just how to hog the spotlight:
I missed the part where he dipped Cheryl Burke to the floor and blushed like a bride. (Chuck did not. It was swoon-inducing.) Probably a good thing, I can only handle so much Stamkos smiling. Erin Andrews approves:
THE SKINNY TIE
Tuesday, Gabriel Landeskog joked about wearing a bow tie to the Awards. It would have been nice knowing you, melted interwebs.
Alas, Gabe chose this hipster skinny tie and while it is just a tad too short, you can’t even be disappointed with the way he looks.
Gabe the Babe
Landeskog dedicated his Calder Trophy win to his grandfather, making us all cry. So many emotions and landeskoging – good thing we’re already teenage girls on the inside. [video] Also, Charlie Conway/Pacey Whitter presented the award. Time to break out the Cruel Intentions DVD, we think.
THE NO-TIE
We know Evgeni Malkin loves the casual look, from his parade of questionable t-shirts. But Geno brought his A-game to the Awards, sporting the open-collar, “I could be in the Mafia” look to pick up all his awards - the Lindsay, Hart and Art Ross Trophies, as well as our special award for being the Most Adorable Panda.
If this doesn’t make you squee, check your emotion chip because your android brain is malfunctioning.
THE F-BOMB
Oh, come on! We all said it when we saw Henrik Lundqvist. So what if he dropped it on TV, it’s not like you were on NBC or anything. They should make him a special edition Vezina Trophy that’s just a mirror. A big one.
THE MAYBE NEXT YEAR
Apparently it takes a few days for a $45.5 million check to clear, or Erik Karlssonwould have had a new suit. We’ll give him a pass because winning the Norris Trophy at 22 is kind of a big deal. However we suggest this hot-pink-and-black look be reserved for a cool pair of custom sneakers or an ironic prom. It’s too shiny. The pants were bordering on high-waters. That shirt burns our irises.
Also, the Uncle Rico mustache has to go. Call us in September before NHL Media Day, please.
THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY
ADDITION: ACK! I was expecting Chuck to add Bergeron and I forgot to remind her! Patrice and his Selke Award were equally flawless last night… and holy cow, his girlfriend is a fox too. *Sigh* Some people have all the luck. He is beyond classy.
Did we miss anyone? We were a little busy planning our outfits for this shitshow next year, because there is no excuse to stay home.
Missing it this year was a turrible awful mistake on our parts. It will never happen again. Maybe Karlsson should keep the pink shirt so I can point and laugh while Mike Green carries away the Norris… okay, I’m getting delusional.
Bring on the attractive hockey players in impeccably fitted suits. Bring on the awkward (and hilarious) red carpet interviews. Bring on the D-list celebrities who can’t pronounce the winner’s name (Martin St. Lewis!).
Here’s who we think is going to bring on the hardware…
Split decision on this one. King Henrik kept the Rangers at first in the East pretty much all season – without so much as a hair out of place. But the day there is no room for Comeback Crosby on the Pens’ first line is the day Malkin deserves the Hart.
Vezina: (Lundqvist/Rinne/Quick)
Should: Quick
Will: Quick
A league-high 10 shutouts saved the Kings’ 29th ranked offense. Plus, he’s already got the Conn Smythe Trophy and a Stanley Cup, so what’s one more?
*harumph* *crosses arms*
Norris (Chara/Karlsson/Weber)
Should: Chara
Will: Chara
We’re going to have the give this one to Chara. Because you won’t like him when he’s angry. CHARA SMASH!
Calder (Henrique/Landeskog/Nugent-Hopkins)
Should: Landeskog
Will: Nugent-Hopkins
No doubt The Nuge was the more electric rookie this season, but we’re big fans of Gabe the Babe. The potential for Landeskoging tips the scales here.
Lady Byng (Brian Campbell/Eberle/Moulson)
Should: Campbell
Will: Campbell
No defenseman has won in over fifty years – it’s time! Campbell’s 6 PIM in 82 games would be enough – but he also doubled last season’s production, notching 53 points from the blue line.
Selke (Backes/Bergeron/Datsyuk)
Should: Bergeron
Will: Bergeron
His season was full of Selke-worthy numbers and stats (like winning 53% of faceoffs when shorthanded) so we’re rooting for the highly-underrated Bergeron to be the first Bruin to take home the trophy since 1982.
Adams (Hitchcock/MacLean/Tortorella)
Should: Hitchcock
Will: Hitchcock
In November, the Blues were not good. Enter Ken Hitchcock. They got good. Although their playoff run ended early, Hitchcock managed to change the culture of the Blues and help position the franchise as a team to be watched.
Masterton (Alfredsson/Lupul/Pacioretty)
Should: Lupul
Will: Alfredsson
We admire Alfredsson’s seniority and dedication to the Sens, but Lupul’s comeback from a spinal cord contusion and life-threatening blood infection only to be dropped by the Ducks then put up career best numbers in struggling Toronto? Our hero.
Lindsay — Player MVP (Lundqvist/Malkin/Stamkos)
Should: Malkin
Will: Malkin
Malkin does it all – including make his teammates better players. Everybody wants to be on that line.
GM of the Year: (Doug Armstrong/David Poile/Dale Tallon)
Should: Dale Tallon
Will: Dale Tallon
Extreme Makeover: Hockey Edition. Tallon brought in seven of Florida’s top eleven scorers. They landed their first playoff appearance in 12 years and first ever division title with money leftover to buy more rats.
For a few days after something bad happens, you don’t want to be cheered up. You want to drown in a cocktail shaker or eat an entire wedding cake. If you’re me, you picked a bright orange heavy bag and kickboxed the crap out of it a la Captain America.
Then life goes on. Other teams win and lose, and to keep me from slipping out of reach after last night’s Blackhawks loss, I need a moment to thank the Penguins for a great season.
Prom Night 2012. They obviously tried to take the photo before Letang showed up, but no such luck. The man even looks good in a ponytail.
The waiting was the hardest part. I held my breath a lot, exhaling mostly in the form of cheers for for Malkin and Neal and all those beautiful points. When Crosby was finally back for good, all I could do was sigh.
At the end, the Penguins went a little haywire. Their top-of-the-line hardware should run like a fighter jet, but somewhere in the programming the machine became human. Their system fell apart in the first three games vs. Philly and couldn’t recover. But like the computer you’re on right now, you don’t throw it away when it malfunctions. You smack it and threaten to chuck it out the window, but really you just shut down, wait a minute and reboot.
Or you go on summer vacation.
To send the Pens off, here are a few things we demand to see this summer.
We Want: James Neal in Glasses
Nealmobile once came a contact lense away from a career-ending eye injury [link]. He could have been finger painting like Doug Dorsey! Thank God for small miracles. Where there are contacts, there are glasses, and some super sleuth found them in NHL36:
The old adage “boys don’t make passes at girls who wear glasses” is not at all true for girls. We LOVE your glasses (without ever seeing you wear them). In fact, how dare you deprive us? Mike Green would never do that. Since it’s only April and you’re gone, at least give us this.
We Want: Geno’s T-Shirt Collection
We didn’t get enough hilarity out of Geno’s wardrobe this year. The man alternately shops at Charlotte Russe and the Hustler Store, which can only mean one thing: we can’t wait to see what he’s wearing at the high-roller table in Vegas when he picks up that Hart Trophy.
We Want: Niskanen and Sullivan
Matt Niskanen’s (RFA) middle name is Norman for heaven’s sake. Sullivan (UFA) fits in on any line and plays like he’s in his twenties. Sign them now.
We Want: Workout Videos
Show us how hard you’re working, how dedicated you are to the new season. That’s what these videos are about, right? Last year we posted Kris Letang’s [link] and you guys all disappeared for a week. Maybe this year, James Neal won’t be ignored in the Camp Biosteel videos.
I think that’s everything we need for the next five months. Players eat their Wheaties and do their squats while we save up cash for tickets and merch. See you all in Septemb… hahahaha. RIGHT.
We Want:
Crosby, where are the rest of these pictures?
Caption removed for inadequacy.
And even this.
Neal's going to need a lot of help putting on that SPF 75.
Sidney took a puck to the face. I’ve said “not the face!” many times, but never at such volume. Sid bled everywhere and then did what hockey players do best, let it stop and kept playing. Well, it didn’t totally stop.
He will play tonight against Buffalo, a game the Caps need the Pens to win. Wait, what was that? The reluctant sound of DC fans rooting for Pittsburgh? Be still my beating heart.
We could say the Pens need the win also – Philly’s only two points back and there’s no reason to lose home ice advantage for the first round. Sid and Co still have two games vs. the Flyers and one vs. NYR, so any game played against someone else is a bonus where you should grab all the points you can.
In the Battle of the Blog, the Capitals beat the Bruins last night 3-2 in another shitty overtime victory that I’ll take, but don’t like. I don’t like what it says for when we meet teams that can play sixty. Any team can struggle any night, but the Caps do it every night.
This hit by Jason Chimera on Adam McQuaid was the talk of the game. Chimera got tossed for charging, but today the NHL has said no disciplinary hearing will be held. Can Shanahan do videos for hits that are NOT suspended? It would explain a lot more to me.
Chuck is not happy about that. What would cheer her up? How about Nicky B, possibly back in the line-up Saturday vs. Montreal. That’s right – MONTREAL. RENE BOURQUE. Come and get it, punk, we’ll be in section four-oh-something with our elbows up.
Also close to coming back, Jonny Toews. Imagine how cranky he is not being able to play? He’s probably organized every fork in his kitchen by how far apart the times are. With a protractor. The Hawks have won 7-of-10, but Tazer in the playoffs is a whole new kind of hot damn,
Colorado and Calgary have must-win games tonight… against each other. WELP. No guarantee a win will carry the victor into a playoff spot but it’s hard to see the loser of this one hanging on much longer.
Everyone is excited about EA Sports allowing, for the first time ever, a popular vote to decide the NHL13 cover boy. Get the interns on this one! Cast your vote(s) at www.NHL.com/CoverVote, or let the players woo you to their sides. Ton of Twitter chirping = our dream. My favorite:
Uh, Team Claude.
It also looks like the Art Ross and Rocket Richard trophy races are drawing to a close, according to my master plans.
Geno can go till June, thank you very much. Stammer, well, it wasn’t to be this year. But Steven keeps on scoring. He has five goals in his last five games – 55 total, for a career high and Lightning team record. With five games left, could Stamkos get to 60? I say YES. I keep yelling it at the TV. I keep…
So here’s to tonight, as we near the end of the season, and a lot of hockey fans get ready to say goodbye to their favorite teams. If you’re looking for someone to back in the playoffs, allow us to make a few suggestions.
Ohhhh, HAT trick. I thought you said PANT trick. That’s how my jeans ended up on the ice. Could I have them back?
Flower says, "THIS is the game I don't start?"
Nealmobile had a hat trick last night! It was the second of his career and first with the Penguins, for a whopping 37 goals on the season.
Goal #1: Stand There, Look Pretty
James does a great job of being open in the right spot. But look at that passing! Sid, no-look to the outside to Geno cross-ice in the slot… I weep, it’s so beautiful.
Goal #2: Yaaaaaaaaaaay!
We heart rebounds. Listen to the fan yell when he scores, “Yaaaaaaaaay!” That’s either Kermit the Frog or me.
Goal #3: If You Just Smile
… and have a wicked wrist shot. Look at him trying not to smile.
Post-Game: Aw, Shucks.
Some other guys played pretty well last night too, in the Penguins 8-4 win over Winnipeg. TK had 2G, Geno had 2G/3A, Crosby had 4A. Pucks were flying and TK came thisclose to a hat trick of his own.
Things I Love.
Pittsburgh is one point behind the NY Rangers, who take on Detroit at home tonight. Go WINGS! (Haha, what?!) The Penguins host the Predators tomorrow – lets hope it brings them a shot at the #1 spot in the Eastern Conference! I’m holding on to the Penguins/Capitals first round dream (and bank account).
Those lighted #TimHorton's signs behind the benches are like those bug zappers. Make me want to go to there but know I'll never come out. ~C 37 minutes ago
Not now, girls.
Seriously! Hold it together.
from NBC Chicago
He should’ve known better.
The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.
Bring on the attractive hockey players in impeccably fitted suits. Bring on the awkward (and hilarious) red carpet interviews. Bring on the D-list celebrities who can’t pronounce the winner’s name (Martin St. Lewis!).
Pants
Chuck
dawncherrie
scott38
vincedepalma
