What's Up, Ya Sieve

I’m not into reality TV (besides sports), but may I suggest a new program?

Penguins Bachelor Auction – Talent Competition

Episode One: Sidney Crosby’s sex hair vs. James Neal’s ginger beard

Somewhere, Pierre weeps.

Neal’s Strategy: Curls for the girls.

I’m just saying – NBC Sports Network is showing cycling reruns when there is money to be made.

Last night’s Penguins game really saved an otherwise desolate day.  Anything that makes Evgeni Malkin this happy is bound to have the same effect on me.

As we said in our Round 2 Playoff Prognostications on Puck Daddy:

Remember when smart girls were into slacker guys, like in Knocked Up? That’s Pants and the Penguins. If the Pens don’t get their act together and do the damned dishes in Round 2, they’re sleeping on the couch all summer.  

They did it!  At least for now!  Game 1 was a bit mad in the early going, but settled into a steady Penguins onslaught.  The Senators got chances and second chances – we owe you, Vokoun, now lock up those rebounds.  The Pens scored 2 of 4 power play chances and even once on the penalty kill (Duper!).  Strong from start to finish, that’s what girls love.

Game 2 of this series isn’t until Friday, but there’s no rest for hockey fans.  The Kings won last night and the Blackhawks/Red Wings start tonight.  Let’s go Hawks… I’ll be saying from inside the theater where I’m watching Star Trek.

Trust you guys can hold it down for tonight?

The NHL wants to make up for the lockout, draw casual fans back into hockey and perhaps attract some new ones in a less turbulent year, because we’re still really mad at them.  Right?

Not now, girls.

 Er, we may be feeling warmer and fuzzier and playoff-ier…

Seriously!  Hold it together.

Then someone says:

from NBC Chicago

OKAY, WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!

So much for being cool.

He should’ve known better.

Five outdoor games have been announced for next season, including Penguins/Blackhawks at Soldier Field, Chicago on March 1, 2014.

Also known as:

Or was it…

The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.

Whatever they call it, we’re going.  You’re invited.  Get started now.

 Don’t forget to pack your:

Because this trip is:

Apparently this is all still being finalized.  Good luck with that, because you already yelled fire in a crowded room.

Check out these gorgeous pictures from Carmen Mandato Photography.

Large, hi-res versions are on the website along with a few shots of other teams. People have asked if she’ll have prints available for sale.  She’s on Facebook too.

God, don’t you just love hockey?  And wish you had longer eyelashes?  And feel relieved that no one will ever photograph you this close up?

Maybe it’s just me.

I’ve seen this one, but never with a credit.  She should definitely get credit.

I wish I had photography skills.  At this range, I’d have trouble keeping a hold on the camera.

Thanks to Heather Weikel for letting us know about these!  Thanks to Carmen Mandato for taking such amazing photos.  (I added a copyright to all of them – please be responsible with other people’s work!)

I’m sorry this happened against Chuck’s Bruins, but there is nothing better than a joyous hockey hug.

Bonus Neal’s face. Sid looks the same. I also looked that way, silently freaking out in a hotel lobby.

Update (thanks Alison): Action hug gif.

I love that Crosby is this happy for his guys – especially a new guy who came in on a trade for such a fan favorite, who had so much pressure on him.  Look at these faces.  I love this team.

PS: I almost wrote “I love that my captain…” but that makes even me want to barf.  I still mean it.

The Penguins have won 5 games straight.  In that span:

They won four 1-goal games, including 1 OT and 1 shootout.

Chris Kunitz has 8 goals… three of them on Pittsburgh Penguins Sock Monkey Night, creating officially the most adorable hat trick in NHL history.

Asked how he felt about seeing sock monkeys on the ice, Crosby said:

insert girly laugh

Pascal Dupuis has 4 goals.

I’ve lost my voice from screaming.

James Neal has 4 goals (plus a shootout goal).

I used a 5ive song as the title of this post, just for Chuck.

And Sidney Crosby is a beast.

• 3 goals and 11 assists (plus a shootout goal)
• Voted one of the Three Stars every game
• Lost his helmet on camera just for good, sweaty measure

I’m sorry, were you trying to work?

Sweetie, your prom date is here.

You’re dad’s thinking, “Whew.  My daughter’s safe with this dork.”

Sorry to be late – the Penguins annual Skates & Plates benefit was a few days ago.  You know, the one where they get dressed up and try not to drop food on themselves, people, the floor give us something to blog about.

While I’m generally opposed to jackets with tails (on anyone but Mr. Peanut)…

(and Disney princes)

I can’t resist an event in which the Penguins make Matt Niskanen look like the Mayor of the Munchkin City.

Is ‘corsage pinner’ a job?  Related experience: I can make a poof in the front of my hair with one bobby pin.  Here’s my resume.

Kris: Are you nervous?

Sid: I hope they spaced the tables out far enough for me to fit through.

Kris: Well you look good.

Sid: Thanks.

Kris…

Sid: Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh (tugs at collar).

Of course it was all captured on video, again by the Duper Cam and endlessly on Tumblr.  Revel in the awkward.

Next year I think Skates & Plates should have lanes of ice between the tables, so the players can deliver your food like a 1950′s diner – on skates.  They could add paper hats and a choreographed dance routine.  So basically the dinner would be at Johnny Rockets and sound like Grease.  They could pull it off.

(Photos from Penguins Instagram)

When the Penguins aren’t working for tips, they sometimes play hockey.  The first period last night vs. Philly was not one of those times…

Unless you think this is hockey:

Yes, you.  You jerk.

No I won’t take it back. I’m really mad at you.

 I do support this, of course.  Peeking between my hands yelling, “No no no no!” and then “KILL HIM! ROAR!!!”

Good thing I kept an eye on the out-of-town scoreboard.  People at the Caps game gave me stare down for freaking out as these three goals popped up.

My phone could hardly refresh fast enough.  Wore the lady behind me right out.

And when I saw that Neal scored in a somewhat redeeming fashion?  I attacked @raedanda, in her puple pants.  Duck and cover.

I haven’t even watched the game yet, but this is my joy.

Sorry, Sad Ginger.  (NO I’M NOT.)

While I’m at it, CHRIS KUNITZ!  Having a year!  2G/1A last night, he now has 31 points and is behind only Crosby and Stamkos for the NHL lead.  [CBS Sports]  He even tried to save Disco Dan from a flying puck Monday night.

The Pens also got a goal and an assist from Dupuis.  If Sid’s linemates scored 3 times, you know he had 3 assists last night.  From the Pittsburgh Tribune:

Since the beginning of February, Crosby has produced 29 points in 16 games. He has at least one point in 13 of those games. Crosby has recorded seven three-point nights during that span.

Crosby’s career vs. Philly?  13 goals and 20 assists in 21 games.

Yeah, that’s right.

Knowing that Stamkos, Neal and Tavares are friends off the ice, the imaginary chirping that goes on in my head over the NHL goal scoring leaderboard is tremendous.  For anyone who’s ever enjoyed NFL QBs Talkin’ on Facebook, I bring you this.

Stammer –  I’ve got 17 goals in 23 games.  How you guys doing back there?

Nealer – I’ve got 14.  And I’m hot.

John – I’ve got 14 too!

Nealer – And Geno’s back.  I hate being all aloney on my owney.

John – You have a whole team, Nealer.

Carts – Hi guys.

Real picture. I swear.

Nealer – Without Geno, it’s just a hollow, empty shell.

John – You’re calling Crosby a hollow, empty shell?

Excuse me?

Neal – He doesn’t communicate like Geno.

Stammer – You mean he speaks English.

Nealer – Don’t be jealous.

Nealer – So grouchy.  What, get a sunburn at Disney World on your off day?

Stammer – My team’s lost a lot of games lately.

Nealer – Don’t worry, there’s no one in the stands to watch.

John pats Stammer’s arm in sympathy.

Carts – Hello?

Neal – La la la, my boyfriend’s back…

John – Did I mention I’m tied for third in goals?

Neal (loudly) – We heard you!

Stammer – You’ll be fourth when you wake up tomorrow.

John (grumbles) – I’ll still be on Long Island when I wake up tomorrow.

Carts –  HELLO?

Stammer – What the hell are you doing here?

Carts – Being second in goals.

Everyone – What?  From where?!

Carts waves paper.

Stammer – You have 15 goals?

Carts, glares at Steven – I hear blonds have more fun.

Nealer – Ummmmmmmm….

John – Uh, what’s California like?

Carts – All silver and shiny, like you could just drink out of it.

Stammer – We have shiny days…

… sometimes.

Neal – Where’s your boyfriend?

Carts – Please.  I was bromancing when you were living with Brad Richards.

Nealer – We had a bromance!

Carts (scoffs) – There’s only one Richards in this League, and he’s mine.

Stammer – Whatever.  Second place is the first loser.

Carts – Does your name start with a J?  No?  Then shut up.

John – Yeah. Sticks out tongue.

Nealer – Well Pants has a James Neal shirt.

Stammer – She has a Stamkos shirt too.

John – Why do your pants wear shirts?

Stammer – Go eat your ice cream, John.

John – Hmph. Fine.

Carts – Shirts are for losers.

Stammer – Just wait.  We’ll see who takes it home in the end.

Carts – You should know by now… I always take it home.

During last night’s Capitals vs. Penguins game, the role of the Caps was played by Honey Boo Boo:

Or maybe she was playing me, and those pumpkins are my fumbled, oddly-shaped emotions.

The Capitals can juggle two things.  Or two periods of hockey.  It’s the third thing, usually the middle period, that falls apart and smacks them in the face.

My balancing act fails when my favorite team spanks my second favorite team so hard that I feel it two states away.

Last night the Caps took a 1-0 lead into the second period.  Then this happened:

That’s 5 goals in the second period.  And I loved every single one of them.

Pssst Ebs, consider a different color for your pants.

Malkin threading the top corner!  Neal coming across the slot on the backhand like he’s putting his coat over a puddle so your new shoes don’t get wet on the way to dinner!

I even experimented with Things that Can be Done in Five Minutes:

1) I make a sandwich.

2) Crosby scores a goal.  On order.

He wouldn’t take half your sandwich after.  He’s that kind of guy.

But the second period was also my nightmare.  I hate to see the Caps get embarrassed, especially now when their mental state (or is it mine?) is fragile and their confidence shot.  I’ve started making outrageous bargains with the universe, like “If I found a magic lamp, I’d use one wish to help the Caps” and “If I give up bagels, the Caps will start winning.”

Shockingly, that hasn’t worked.  The fates do not care what I eat for breakfast.

Is it panic time now?  Everywhere you look, people are piling up kindling like they’re going to burn the Caps for the insurance money.

I can offer no remedies for the Caps except baked goods, and this situation is beyond even cupcakes.  So I’ll just watch through my fingers and hope that somehow, someway, this turns around before all is lost for the Caps in 2013.

Frankly, I cannot risk depressed Mike Green getting any more tattoos.  Mikey Monday could be on the line here, people.  This is serious.

To start the first period vs. the Islanders last night, James Neal scored his sixth goal of the season.  To end the period, he took a penalty.

He’s too busy to fix his hair for interviews.

NOPE.  It’ll be a sad, scoreless day in the ‘Burgh before Nealer doesn’t care about his flow.

This .gif is even better for it’s choppiness – it’s like he performs a magic trick and doubles the amount of hair with the wave of his hand.

A wonderful person even filmed it off their TV so you wouldn’t miss out: link.

The Pens won their 7th game of the season, putting them atop the Eastern Conference with 14 points.  Look at these two – James is mesmerized by Kris, Kris is mesmerized by what I can only imagine is Sid off-camera, nose stuffed full of bloody cotton from a puck to the face, but still.  They’re so googly-eyed they can’t even high-five.

Nealmobile was 1st Star of the game.  Here he is being borrrrrrrrrring in a snuggly sweatshirt on NHL Tonight [link].

Read more about James’ recent success and how he honed that wicked shot from the Ellwood City Ledger.  Frankly there is a limit to the number of times I can hear “stick” or “slot” without giggling.

Pens vs. Caps – Round 2 tomorrow night in Pittsburgh, on NHL Network.

You know where I’ll be.

In this season’s first episode of the Penguins series “In the Room,” you can learn all about Joe Vitale, the very short pre-season and other fascinating hockey-related things.

Then forget them all in the last 10 seconds.

The next thing Sid will have to pick up off the floor is me.

You can watch the whole episode here.  The Crosby Bend & Snap is here (gif) or here (very end).  Haha, I said ‘end.’

The Pens face the Rangers tonight, with matching 3-3 records.  Pittsburgh lost an awful – so bad that Crosby’s jeans couldn’t fix it – game to the Islanders on Tuesday.  New York squeaked out a 2-1 win over Philly that cost them captain Ryan Callahan, who hurt his shoulder grappling with none other than Max Talbot.  Luckily for the NYR, Cally will only miss 10-14 days [link].

Pittsburgh has lost 3 of their last 4 games, while New York has won 3 of 4.  Their first meeting of the season ended in a 6-3 Penguins win that bounced Lundqvist in the second period.

James Neal scored two in that game vs. NYR… and only one goal since.  Maybe since it was tight t-shirt time, he’ll get back on the board tonight.

Do these shorts make me look fat?