What's Up, Ya Sieve

At the 1:28 mark of this post-practice interview from yesterday, watch how James Neal responds to being reunited on-ice with Malkin.

It’s like his first day back at school, seeing that girl he had a crush on last year.

In actual hockey news (sigh of relief), it looks like James is going to play the un-point on the Pens power play to start the season.  He’ll be “roving” the ice near Letang’s regular station at the blue line.  [link]

Errr, okay.  As much as Neal & Letang next to each other could probably reverse the Earth’s magnetic poles, Nealer’s about the wrist shot.  It’s dazzling.  It’s accurate.  Seeing him just behind the faceoff circle, waiting for the drop pass… it makes me weak in the twine.

He’s not going to score a lot from the blue line.  The idea seems to be for James to play “everywhere” and feed the puck to Crosby and Malkin (or back to Letang).  It sounds like a dream strategy, unless the guy you’re taking the puck away from is the reigning NHL-leader in PPG (Neal had 18 last season).

Photo Credit: kdkitty127

Alas, this is a problem I want to have.  Embarrassment of riches!  Trust in Disco Dan!  (And pre-season optimism.)  With guys like Crosby and Malkin on the sides, let’s hope some middle lanes open and James gets the puck.  I don’t care who scores ‘em.

Wait, I do.  I didn’t fantasy draft Sid or Geno, dammit.

I wish we could do a preview of every team for the upcoming season, but there is no time. Also I’ve forgotten where everyone was traded to or signed.  Saturday is going to be like Christmas morning, where I open every broadcast after guessing what’s inside and find a bonus Staal or Nash.

Whatever you’re doing right now, just stop.  It’s ruined.  Along with everything else in your life that isn’t this picture or a chocolate-freaking-milkshake into which you drown your feelings about this picture.

From The Fourth Period magazine, courtesy of Alison (@alisonsykora) Takeover Day.

You know the little girl in the movie Annie who says, “Oh my goodness, oh my goodness!” over and over?

I just did a really R-rated version of the same thing.

Since we couldn’t attend Canada on Saturday evening, welcome Alison (@alisonsykora) with a guest post!

I told myself I didn’t care anymore. The lockout was dragging and NHL hockey was no longer a part of my life. I had accepted it and moved on.

Then the RBC Charity Challenge happened.

“Mwhahahaha,” said Stamkos.

The NHLPA threw James Neal, Steven Stamkos, Logan Couture, Michael Del Zotto, Joffrey Lupul, PK Subban, and a bunch of other players on the same sheet of ice, and my inner fangirl was doomed from the very announcement.

I paid my $30, got a third row ticket and emotionally prepared myself.

I knew it was going to be a great night when I saw PK Subban on my way to the grocery store.  I did what any other normal person would do – speed-walked right past him in stunned silence then tweeted about it immediately.

Eventually it was game time. I could talk about how much I missed the sights, sounds and smells of a hockey arena, but I have far too many pictures of James Neal and Steven Stamkos for that.  I know what you really want.

First came the warm-up.  Team Subban debuted, then Team Stamkos.  That’s when we all died fangirl deaths.  Look, NHLPA. You can’t just put Stammer, Nealer, and MDZ on the same team and expect every female in the place to contain herself.  (Pants Note: Word.)

It was arguably the best part of the entire game, because the players skated without their helmets on and we got to see all of this:

During the game, the announcer gave James Neal the not-actually-real award of “Best Hair on the Ice.” Pascal Dupuis may not have been there to rub his stick in it (that sounds inappropriate!), but Nealer’s hair looked, as always, pretty fabulous.

Puck drop: Steven Stamkos, Elisha Cuthbert’s fiancé, and 4 other guys that you’re probably not going to know unless you’re a Leafs fan.  (Are there any of you out there, or am I alone in my misery?)

Fun fact: PK and Steven used to be teammates when they were little kids. Like that one stacked team in every rec league that wins all the trophies.

Jim Cuddy sang the national anthem. This picture is so Canadian it hurts.

 What follows is a random selection of the best pictures from throughout the game. If you’re not a fan of James Neal’s face, maybe just skip this part.

(Pants Note: Maybe just skip this blog!)

This just seemed like a necessary inclusion.

Nealer and Purcell having a serious discussion about which of them is better friends with Stamkos.  (Pants Note: Awkward foreground moment.)

Oh my god, just stop it.

If only they were facing the camera.

Obligatory James Neal tongue photo. Sorry about your ovaries, Pants.

Versteeg is probably singing “Glamorous” by Fergie to Stammer right here.

I’d totally be staring at/taking pictures of Teddy Purcell’s butt, too.

It took until the second period for me to remember that Team Subban existed.

I have nothing coherent to say. I just spent 5 minutes staring at Stammer here.

Bless your heart, Phil the Thrill. You put on a stickhandling clinic through traffic in the slot, then missed the shot, lost your footing, crashed into the boards and got up laughing.

My three boyfriends. But I guess I can share.

Pretty sure this line combined for like 30 points. 

These poor, misguided children. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of heartache and despair. RUN BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.

It’s impossible not to like Joffrey Lupul. He sasses Gary Bettman, has great taste in music, and has that face.

I was so distracted by Team Stamkos that I unfairly neglected Logan Couture until the 3^rd period.

Wojtek “the Polish Prince” Wolski, just for Chuck.

Last picture of James Neal, I SWEAR.

Sadly, the game eventually ended and I remembered that the lockout still exists. But at least I have all these pictures to get me through it.

On my way home I saw David Steckel who, despite what I’m about to say, seemed to be a lovely and fantastic person who I’m sure did not mean to hit Sidney Crosby in the head.

But while everyone else was asking him for autographs, I experienced an intense rage flashback. It took everything in me not to angrily shout something about staying away from Canada’s National Treasure. (Last week, against my better judgment, I re-watched “Pens/Caps: 24/7” and I’m. Still. Bitter.)

Hope you guys enjoyed my little recap, and more importantly, the pictures! If you’re looking for pictures of a specific player from the game, let me know. I literally took hundreds of pictures, so this is just a small sampling, and I don’t mind sharing.

Thanks to Pants and Chuck for letting me do this guest blog! Also a big thank you to Elena for fangirling with me throughout the entire thing!

Just in case tomorrow really is the end of the world, it’s been fun.  The lockout can’t ruin hockey for me.  I decide what I love about it, like the Penguins and Capitals at the same time.  Throw in a Flyer while you’re at it.  Expansion teams, underage boyfriends, never remembering if the Blackhawks are in my time zone… ah, the good old days.

From facebook.com/hockeymemepage

The last game I went to was a Caps playoff win and, as I said at the time [link], “officially the most fun I’ve ever had at a hockey game.”  The one before that, also playoffs, I dragged Gator out of bed at 7 AM on a Saturday like I knew something amazing was going to happen.  Then Mike Green scored the GWG.

If this is it, I ended on a high note.  Now I can look back at a few things I’ll take with me when we go.

Pants’ Favorite WUYS Moments (old and new)

The first picture I ever posted of Mike Green.  In the 2+ years since this post, our fandom relationship has had enough ups + downs to qualify as chick lit.

The Crosby Comeback (Part I).  Of all the things I could say about Sid – Where are you supposed to look when you look at him?  No place is safe! –  I love how excited I was for his return [link] and that it was a hundred times better in real life. [link]

The way these girls are looking at Jordan Eberle.  You can substitute another player (I wouldn’t) and some full-size chairs, but that’s us.

The James Neal shootout goal that named the Nealmobile.  It was the start of something.  I’m sure you can hear us in the screaming.

The blinding perfection of Steven Stamkos.  Also how high he can jump.  I don’t run away from just anyone in the street.

In Vegas, Intern Jeff Skinner won the Calder Trophy (even though I was rooting for Couture).  This is one of my all-time favorite posts.

The Toewsface. There are so many, each perfect in its own way.  Each one judging you.  Never mind the body it’s attached to.

Camp Biological Clock Biosteel.  And the start of this video where Nealer and Seguin check themselves out in the mirror.

Viktor Stalberg and Andrew Shaw show off their not-so-secret identities. Bless the girl who talks them out of their shirts in under two minutes, teach us your Jedi mind tricks [link].

My fondness for gingers hit a new high/low, depending on how you feel about Claude Giroux. [link]  You ought to be corrupted by now.

Speaking of: if you Google “hockey plaid suits,” we are 2 of the top 5 results.

Then I admitted that I love Danny Briere, right around the time he had to stand on a box to be interviewed. [link]

Gabe Landeskog discovered Instagram & Twitter, could not find a shirt. [link]

When Chuck’s team won it all, and I was really happy for her. [link]

Then my team won Pants vs. Chuck and I was really happy for myself. [link]  Now we actively hate each other’s teams, which makes this all more fun.

Finally I was convinced about Tyler Seguin [link], and Chuck managed to hold herself together. [link]

I didn’t do so badly myself, thanks. (Except for that Stamkos thing.) [link]

My one regret will be if I don’t see another Penguins game.  I’ve forgiven but not forgotten the end of last season, and I’d prefer to wash it from my mind with champagne poured from the Cup.  God, I was so angry at them [link]!  We all need a mulligan sometimes.

My feelings can be summed up by Nike Hockey’s new ad campaign.  What are you going to do, take away my Stamkos?  Sure they’re talking about the lockout, but they could be talking about the apocalypse.  Wherever we end up when this is over, I hope there’s hockey.  And Stammer.  Then cold is okay too.

Because #hockeyisours.

Mostly I hope you’ve had fun with us over the last 2 years.  I love this place and every hilarious, inappropriate, hockey-loving member of this little family.

And if the world doesn’t end tomorrow, you know what that means…

FOXY-POCALYPSE FRIDAY.

SANTA, YOU LISTENED!

Dear sweet Mother of I Don’t Know What I Did to Deserve This but your girl here was apparently on the REALLY REALLY NICE list this year, and Christmas is a little early.

I screamed when I saw these.  My boss came running and found me face down on my desk pointing at the monitor.  She mumbled something about a “dorky white guy” and left me hyperventilating into a bag of Reese’s Pieces.

“These are a few images from a recent shoot at Longue Vue Country Club of James Neal of the Pittsburgh Penguins for Travis Mathew Apparel.” – Seth L. Williams Photography

Go to the Travis Matthew site now and buy more presents for everyone you know.  Hire Seth L. Williams immediately for all events.  Give these people your money, they have already given us the goods!

Endless, glittery, cupcake-flavored holiday hearts to @svenglass for sending this.  You are my hero.

LOOK AT THAT TATTOO!  Did I just say I don’t like tattoos (re: Mike Green)?  LIES, ALL LIES!

I love it.  I don’t even care what it is.  I will put it on the flag of the country I start when I win the lottery, buy an island and create my own hockey league.

Nealand.  Now accepting applications for citizenship.

James, don’t also start wearing tight pants.  Unless you’re going to call me on that phone right now (202-000-1818), I cannot handle any more physical description or idea of description or basic general approximate estimated information.  Or anything to do with your pants.

Ah, f&%$ it.  More pants!

Sweaters too… don’t leave me any chance of walking away with my wits intact.

This is so autumnal, so back-to-school that I really want to play flag football with accidental, full-body tackling.  Possibly in the mud.  Anyone else get that?

I can’t go on.  I’ve run out of semi-coherent things to say and all I hear is the sound of a cash register ringing in my head.

That’s it.  I’m getting coal and Flyers tickets next Christmas, but it was worth it.

Someone should check on me in an hour, make sure I’m still breathing.

Again, all these photos are from www.sethlwilliams.com.  They deserve a case of wine or a wagonload of gold bars.  Bless them, every one.

The number of NHL-player charity hockey games that I could not attend increased on Saturday night, with “Rock the Lockout” in Windsor, Ontario.

Coached by the Windsor Spitfire’s staff and captained by Steve Ott and Dan Clearly, a total of 28 goals were scored in the contest.  The event drew 4,500 fans, including WUYS pal Briehton (@beeDfraz).  She was nice enough to take some photos for us!

Thirty-six players participated, including Nealer.  I think he misses us too.

The game was less than 10 miles from Joe Louis Arena, and had a little Red Wings reunion going on.

One more, since Nealer goes out of his way to spend quality time on the other side of photos for us.

Here’s news video from ABC 7 in Detroit, including interviews with Dan Cleary and Niklas Kronwall.

The next charity game is the RBC Play Hockey Charity Challenge in Toronto on 12/19.  Team captains will be Stamkos and Subban, and the rosters will include Dion Phaneuf, Phil Kessel, Tomas Kaberle, Mike Komisarek, Logan Couture, Kris Versteeg, Niklas Kronwall and John Michael Liles.

And James Neal.

Thanks to Briehton for the photos!!

Let’s talk about this photo James Neal posted on Twitter the other day, after a backyard hockey game at Gary Roberts’ house.

First of all, Gary Roberts, why aren’t you my father?  Also, if you have any daughters I presume you’ve locked them up before inviting your padawans over.

Secondly, this would never work on me because I’d spend my life on Google learning how to break out of more traps than Houdini.

Really though, James Neal is that guy you’re both excited and terrified to see at home over the holidays.  Pretend you knew (of) him in high school, but he isn’t on TV or online or this blog every day.  Pretend you’re not really into hockey.  So it’s been a while since you’ve seen a picture, and longer since you’ve seen the Real Deal in person.  But back in the day, you probably had a crush so awkward it was only rivaled by the way you hid behind your locker when he walked past.

Let’s just guess that James hid from girls a few times too.

Back then, hockey players made you nervous.  And that time he borrowed your 500 cl beaker in chemistry class was not enough to break this ice.  You settled for yearbook photos and coded texts from friends.

And you started watching a lot of hockey.  When James was drafted on ’05, you screamed like they’d announced an *N Sync reunion tour and that Facebook was cooler than MySpace all at the same time.

Your mom knew what was up, but she never said a word.  Just gave you that look when you made her drive you and your friends to another game.

By the time you could drive yourself, James was getting noticed professionally.  Even when he had frosted tips.  We all fell for that once.

Then you lost track of James.  By 2007, he’d moved to Iowa and you weren’t sure where that was.  Certainly it did not have Orlando Bloom or Zac Efron, not any more than your local mall.

You grew up.  College consumed your life.  Your best friend from high school called when James started playing for the Dallas Stars, and you guys looked him up together on your dorm room laptops.

You said, “See, I told you he’d grow up to be cute…

… mostly.”

Then your parents moved and high school friends scattered.  Someone told you James made the Young Stars All-Star Team.  If only you’d had the guts to ask him to sign your yearbook, it might be worth something now.

College ended, you moved and got a job, maybe a boyfriend, probably a roommate.  Making ends meet with enough money to go out three nights a week was a full time commitment.  Hopefully you got promoted, got a raise, a nicer apartment and stopped eating ramen noodles.  You’re pretty well established and proud of yourself now.  You hear about the hockey lockout in the news, briefly think of James but are quickly distracted by flying home for the holidays.

Wednesday night before Thanksgiving, you walk into the local bar.  Everyone will be there but you never once think of James.  The first thing you see is your high school best friend, dressed to the nines and handing you a drink.  The second thing you see is this, wearing this exact expression:

And you’re like:

Shy circa 2004 comes rushing back, minus lockers to hide behind.

There’s a moment of total:

Until he abandons his friends,

Walks over, and just says hi.

You struggle for a moment.

But manage a hello.  You’re rewarded with:

End of story.  You’re either dead (99%) or you’re with this.

Either way you knew it all along.

(Please excuse me.  Slow work plus a lockout equals tangential journeys and pictorial essays.  I hear Twilight’s left a hole in the market, perhaps I should be writing a YA novel.  I didn’t even mention Stamkos!)

If I’d planned better, I would have made it to Atlantic City for the Operation Hat Trick charity hockey game on Saturday night.  As it was, I couldn’t find any pants to fit me after Thanksgiving and it’s really tacky/cold to wear a hockey jersey as a dress.  Luckily, other people with cameras were there.

The event, created by Scott Hartnell, Todd Fedoruk and  Joe Watson from the Caesar’s resort group, featured teams of NHL players in a charity fundraiser for Hurricane Sandy relief.  It sold out Atlantic City’s Boardwalk Hall to nearly 11,000 fans – most of them Rangers and Flyers fans.  They got to see…

James Neal score four goals.  Get it, baby.

Photo by nealwithit18.tumblr.com

Brad Richards and Scott Hartnell were the team captains, which is an impressive amount of hockey hair leading the charge.  Just for Ashley (@a_rake), here’s a photo of Brad doing #longhairdontcare with his helmet off:

Team Richards won 10-6, thanks mainly to King Henrik doing what he does (second) best – goaltending.  He made 56 saves!

His first and most appreciated talent will always be just being this:

Our friend Sonia (@lihui815) clearly knew what she was doing: Documenting the Flow.  Check out all her photos here.

Remember when we were brainwashed and liked Stamkos’ long hair?

I’m so glad those days are over.  Also, Steven is a wonderful human being who signed a puck for a girl whose sign said:

from Puck Daddy

WAITWAITWAIT.  I just have to write something and he’ll do it?  

How long can the sign be?  Can I have more than one sign?  Are there kids in this audience?  They can’t read anyway, right?

Now if someone could talk to iCarly about his hair…

Though there’s something quite Roman gladiator-esque about this look that works for him.  I’m thinking shield, bronze kilt, thighs.

And of course, Scott Hartnell.  He and I really have the same hair.  I’m just not lucky enough to be ginger.

Now back to the good part.  These two photos are from Instagram (kirstenfrances) via Tumblr, and she should get credit for having such an eye for perfection.  We don’t know her, but we love her.

This scored four goals.   Just take a moment to soak it all in.

Bravo to everyone who contributed their time and effort to make Operation Hat Trick a success, and it sounds like a lot of fun.  There’s talk of another charity game, perhaps in NYC, perhaps when I have stopped eating 9000 calories a day or have purchased snow pants to wear.  Either way, it’s a field trip.

Photos from the event were a bit limited.  If you’ve got good ones, let us know!

Just when I was complaining that there’s nothing to talk about…

So what, right?  Biz in his panties, what else is new?  There’s also a Playboy Playmate featured in the photo shoot.  I haven’t seen the pics because the very idea just gave my computer an STD.

Look again.

WHAT?  We used to be a crack squad of interweb detectives, but I don’t see this article anywhere.  Even Tumblr fails me.  This lockout has lulled us all into a coma, unsuspecting of features on people we’ve almost forgot existed.  The Fourth Period website has just this little tease:

“In This Issue” should read IN MY LIFE.  Could someone from a country where they sell this magazine please find a copy and wallpaper my office send it to me?  We are running on empty here!

As if the lockout wasn’t bad enough, Steven Stamkos hates me.  He seems to think that in this terrible time, I should suffer even more.

I’m not even talking about those pants.

A beard?!  Stopityouarekillingme!  How dare you look this charming and reference the playoffs when the only hockey I can get is reruns of 24/7??

This is like a Christmas window full of presents I cannot have.  And it gets worse.

A ginger beard.  On James Neal.  Who I should be seeing tonight at the Penguins/Capitals Halloween Hockey Extravaganza!  DAMN YOU, BETTMAN!  You’ve ruined my chance to freeze my butt off in a completely inappropriate and hilarious costume!

Just leave me here to die.

Note to the Staals: If any of you turn up with those Amish thing right now, I’m really going to lose my sh*t.