What's Up, Ya Sieve

Welcome to the Land of Nothing Left to Talk About, where I dredge the internet for blog topics.  Today, I got a kick out of these:

From GongshowGear.com

First of all, who researches these pants?  Do they go around measuring hockey players?  Or better yet, is there a back room and one of those tailor pedestals involved?  Then we could get a squat-test and time how long it takes to get them off… like Field Day at camp, it’s Field Day with Pants.  (See what I did there?)

All you need are some boots with the furrrrrrrr.

A liiiiiiiiiiiiiitle highher…

Secondly, I work for free.  You should see the pillow I sewed in 7th grade Home Ec class!  I’m resourceful too – in case I need to tie two tape measures together to get all the way around some of these boys.

Squats, squats, squats, squats, squats, squats…

“Hockey butt” is, of course, a real thing.  In ski racing we call is “Alpine Ass.”  With the popularity of backsides these days, perhaps I should have kept that up.  The topic was recently featured on ESPN.com and has a Facebook page.  Crosby’s custom jeans are legend.  It perhaps surprises no one that Gingergoux’s backside has it’s own Tumblr.

Yeah, we get it.

Don’t forget the less famous guys who are dragging some serious wagons.  In .gif form, you really have to wonder how iCarly even got these shorts on.

GAH, if only we could pause it! I can.

The phenomenon starts early.  I can guarantee RNH did not buy these shorts in Okalahoma City.

My favorite rap lyric of all time is, “Is that your ass, or’s your mama half reindeer?”  from ‘Shake Ya Tailfeather’ by Nelly.  It’s been on my running mix since 2007.  Today I really hope my work checks my internet search history.  That’ll be a fun meeting.

The best part of these Gongshow pants is the inside.  (Isn’t it always?)  Check out the waistband:

But what does the fly say?!  That’s your mission.  First person to send me a photo of the first word gets a prize.  Bonus points if it’s on a guy when you take it.

Extra bonus points if he can’t get them off.

If I’d planned better, I would have made it to Atlantic City for the Operation Hat Trick charity hockey game on Saturday night.  As it was, I couldn’t find any pants to fit me after Thanksgiving and it’s really tacky/cold to wear a hockey jersey as a dress.  Luckily, other people with cameras were there.

The event, created by Scott Hartnell, Todd Fedoruk and  Joe Watson from the Caesar’s resort group, featured teams of NHL players in a charity fundraiser for Hurricane Sandy relief.  It sold out Atlantic City’s Boardwalk Hall to nearly 11,000 fans – most of them Rangers and Flyers fans.  They got to see…

James Neal score four goals.  Get it, baby.

Photo by nealwithit18.tumblr.com

Brad Richards and Scott Hartnell were the team captains, which is an impressive amount of hockey hair leading the charge.  Just for Ashley (@a_rake), here’s a photo of Brad doing #longhairdontcare with his helmet off:

Team Richards won 10-6, thanks mainly to King Henrik doing what he does (second) best – goaltending.  He made 56 saves!

His first and most appreciated talent will always be just being this:

Our friend Sonia (@lihui815) clearly knew what she was doing: Documenting the Flow.  Check out all her photos here.

Remember when we were brainwashed and liked Stamkos’ long hair?

I’m so glad those days are over.  Also, Steven is a wonderful human being who signed a puck for a girl whose sign said:

from Puck Daddy

WAITWAITWAIT.  I just have to write something and he’ll do it?  

How long can the sign be?  Can I have more than one sign?  Are there kids in this audience?  They can’t read anyway, right?

Now if someone could talk to iCarly about his hair…

Though there’s something quite Roman gladiator-esque about this look that works for him.  I’m thinking shield, bronze kilt, thighs.

And of course, Scott Hartnell.  He and I really have the same hair.  I’m just not lucky enough to be ginger.

Now back to the good part.  These two photos are from Instagram (kirstenfrances) via Tumblr, and she should get credit for having such an eye for perfection.  We don’t know her, but we love her.

This scored four goals.   Just take a moment to soak it all in.

Bravo to everyone who contributed their time and effort to make Operation Hat Trick a success, and it sounds like a lot of fun.  There’s talk of another charity game, perhaps in NYC, perhaps when I have stopped eating 9000 calories a day or have purchased snow pants to wear.  Either way, it’s a field trip.

Photos from the event were a bit limited.  If you’ve got good ones, let us know!

I seem to have failed, through all the posts and games and screaming fits, to truly appreciate one aspect of hockey’s influence on my life: stress relief.  Sure I get worked up about the games – rip a pillow, maybe throw a shoe – but it vents all my work frustration at the same time.  Without it, I’m really snippy.  I need to run daily, faster and farther than normal, and anytime I see the Yankees on TV I start growling like a lion in the zoo.

Hockey: cheaper than therapy.  Come back soon.

To break that tension, let’s ask Tumblr how our favorite NHL players are spending their days.

iCarly wins you over on the issue of his hair by strutting the rest of his impressive self.

Karl Alzner tries to distract you by walking away.

We don’t know, Karl.  Mike’s got a cute date too…

Meanwhile Taylor Hall is home alone, rapping the Nicki Minaj part of ‘Beauty and a Beat’ into a wooden spoon while he bakes sad, lonely brownies. #its3012tonight

Equally sad (because RNH can’t bake) is Ebs, just watching his highlight reel and waiting for Hallsy to get to OKC.

At least Bobby Ryan has better taste in TV (I’m talking about GL, people!).

And Richie’s found someone to hate on since Crosby’s too far away.

While everyone else is in lurrrrrve and shouting it all over town – Gingeroux’s Tweeting about his girlfriend, Max Talbot’s posting photos and I heard that Rick Nash got engaged.  Chuck, is there something you’d like to tell us?

We have to make a whole category for this if we’re going to get through the off-season.  Can someone remind me what we did in the summer before Twitter?  How did we ever know:

Who makes double entendres with random-yet-endearing capitalization?

What Ebs dreams of when he looks in the mirror?

Who needs you to bring them a beer?

Who will buy you popcorn at the movies?

Who thinks college is way different than it really is?

But gets everything else so right?

With all this, a tan, and the potential of a Mike Richards/Jeff Carter Stanley Cup party to contemplate, I think we might get to September after all.

It wasn’t quite 3 AM, but close…

When John Carlson scores a goal, I get irrationally happy.  When that goal is assisted by Karl Alzner, I yell, “Apples to Apples!” and jump around the room.  Can we get this guy a clear mouth guard?

Sadly iCarly’s goal was not enough as the Caps lost an epic triple-overtime game to the Rangers.  I have a new downstairs neighbor (bad timing!) and will probably get an angry call from my landlord today (don’t care!) about the noise.  And the language.  But I don’t plan to settle down anytime soon.

You all thought this was in, right?  I threw my arms up… and Mr. Pants ended up wearing some wine.  Oops.

By the end of the second overtime, I was emotionally exhausted.  I can’t imagine how the players on either team felt, dragging around like anchors on a ship.  They never cease to amaze me – no one who went down for a shot block decided to take a nap or curled up against Nicky B and closed their eyes.  I know most of you were thinking about it.

This Caps team looks confident, strong and, as they have since the playoffs started, they look like a TEAM.  Even Mike Green loved us back last night with five shots on goal.  Bring on Saturday!  Give us more of Braden Holtby’s adorable parents in the stands!

I have to say the Rangers also played a heck of a game, of course.  Ryan McDonagh had over 53 minutes.  WOW.  Ginger Staal had 49-plus.  Bless their hearts if they can even get out of bed today.

Nicky B and iCarly hosted a hockey school yesterday.  First John goes on vacation with Mike, now this? [video]  It’s like an all-out offensive being launched against me and Gator.

It’s great to see Backstrom doing anything these days.  We have not heard that he’s skating or even working out, though he looks energetic here.  Apparently iCarly’s dorky high-five doesn’t count as contact.

As happy as this makes us… Nicklas, we need to talk about your pants.  John’s are excellent color and fit, plus “distressed” or “vintage” if you must.  But yours… is that stonewash?  With black shoes?

They could almost be skinny jeans – I’m not really even sure how you got them on over those legs.  If they’re borrowed from Ovi, you should give them right back.  Unless you’re trying to make that girl in the head-to-toe shamrock romper feel better about what she wore to work.

There are certain things we’re willing to put aside for the love of hockey – Mike’s problem with ‘your’ vs. ‘you’re’ and James Neal’s personal pronoun confusion.  But these jeans and that camouflage Under Armor on Matt Duchene are close to the line.  You’re so perfect and European but even we have limits.

Regardless, we love you.  Come back soon.  Wear hockey pants, they look weird on everyone.

I actually said, “Baby Jesus in the manger.” when I saw this.

For the record, Gator is fine. She saw this last night and didn’t even mention it.  In fact, no one mentioned it. I thought we were friends, you guys!!!

And Karl too, of course.  These two are so freaking precious.

Here’s Zac’s story [link, video] and how you can support his fight against cancer.

Caps Care Casino Night was Friday, and Mike was there.  We were not.  Damn.

Lots of great photos at www.districtsportspage.com.

During the auction part of the evening, guests could bid on various high-risk scenarios with their favorite hockey players.  Like a Segway Tour with Ovi, Brooks, Knuble and Sasha Fierce, or bowling with Carlzner, Ward and Hendricks.  There is a bowling alley *right* next to Gator’s house and I’d bet money that’s the location.  Time for a new job, I think.

Sorry DSP, but no one else has photos. No one who would could afford the $250 ticket!

Mike was part of a Cooking with the Caps package, including Vokoun and Hamrlik plus a celeb chef.  I’d just like to point out that Mr. Pants is a chef, and one Food Network competition away from being a celebrity (for the record, he would kick ass).  Maybe next year I can win/rig this category?

The highlight of the night was, of course, this:

Squeal. Faint. Repeat.

More goodness at DistrictSportsPage.com and RussianMachineNeverBreaks.com.  Mike’s rehab is still “on schedule” though no return date has been projected [link]

On Thursday night, Gator and I went to the Washington Auto Show to meet John Carlson and Brooks Laich.  It was more than a little disorganized, but we sweet-talked the right people and ended up getting to hang around their interview filming and then cut the whole line.  Unintentionally awesome!

My vacation tan > John's vacation tan

Be jealous.  They were super sweet.  And if iCarly looked more like a Ken doll in real life I think Gator would have hurdled the table.  He is ADORABLE.  Even all caps is not enough to accurately describe him.  Brooks’ eyes are even bluer in real life – not possible, but true.  Makes a girl wish she’d get a flat tire in the rain.

Karl Alzner came with John, because they can’t be apart.  We didn’t get to see him but here’s Exhibit A: “Caps Roomates: Karlzner” video [link].

Then yesterday happened.  Brooks left the game in a bad way with 8 minutes to go in the 2nd period of the 4-1 loss to Boston.  The team hasn’t not commented on his apparent left knee injury because no one can handle anymore bad news around here.  He didn’t practice this morning [link].

The Caps play Florida tomorrow night, and a win would make them #1 in the Southeast.  And it would make us really happy.  So we’re going to be optimistic and Rock the Red and hope there’s anyone left on the ice to Unleash the Fury.

BONUS: If you’re in Chicago (or want to road trip with us), the Chicago Auto Show has Seabrook, Kane, Toews and Stalberg.  Holy Moly. [link]

Hmm, 500 unopened emails or Mikey Monday?

I can’t think of anything that looks happier than this, except maybe getting to actually see all the photostrips clearly.  But this is pretty much the definition of joy.  And bromance.

If they can’t play hockey, at least they have each other.

(Side note: Mike’s girlfriend is a photographer, presumably responsible for these.  We thank her.  I’m intentionally not posting about her so please leave her and links to her work out of the comments.  Thanks.)

While I was on my honeymoon, Mike and iCarly went on an All-Star Break vacation to the Caymans and posted all kinds of Tweets and photos.

I shouldn’t make fun of anyone’s vacation wear, considering what my hair looked like after a week in Costa Rica.  But those are some short shorts, Mikey!  And this… WOW.  If there’s anyplace on Earth worse than American Apparel, this is what they’re selling.

The boys went deep sea fishing, and iCarly caught dinner.  Showing off for Gator (again).

Now that we’ve all returned from our sunny tropical destinations, back to work.  Sometimes it’s good to be home.