I’ve been collecting a folder of pics and gifs, for that day when the world just needs more Jonathan Toews. Today is that day.
Happy 25th birthday, Tazer!
We all know that Jonathan hates fun.
He prefers to win, and win often. Luckily the Blackhawks are pretty good at hockey and Toews himself is alright on the ice.
Going into the playoffs with nearly every possible point, the Hawks are poised to make a run at the recapturing the Cup they won in 2010. It’s safe to say that we know what Jon wants for his birthday:
Yes, exactly. He wants the other part of this beard.
When he’s not derping, walking behind locker room cameras in his shorts or making fun of Patrick Kane, Jonathan Toews is being nice to strangers…
… watching romantic comedies, avoiding cilantro and not vacuuming. Sounds like a date night to us.
He’s almost a full-time model by now, specializing in what you’d like your future husband to wear while meeting your parents at the venue for your wedding reception.
So happy birthday to the Captain, Cup-winner and a guy who makes everyone over 25 feel bad for not accomplishing more. He won’t have a party. He’ll stay home and do squats…
While waiting for your team to try him in the playoffs. Then he’ll hug you, when you’re ugly-crying after the Hawks run your team into the ground.
The NHL wants to make up for the lockout, draw casual fans back into hockey and perhaps attract some new ones in a less turbulent year, because we’re still really mad at them. Right?
Not now, girls.
Er, we may be feeling warmer and fuzzier and playoff-ier…
Seriously! Hold it together.
Then someone says:
from NBC Chicago
OKAY, WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!
So much for being cool.
He should’ve known better.
Five outdoor games have been announced for next season, including Penguins/Blackhawks at Soldier Field, Chicago on March 1, 2014.
Also known as:
Or was it…
The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.
Whatever they call it, we’re going. You’re invited. Get started now.
Don’t forget to pack your:
Because this trip is:
Apparently this is all still being finalized. Good luck with that, because you already yelled fire in a crowded room.
This news is a little old, but I was waiting for Toews’ black eye to look like guyliner before I posted a photo of him.
It’s so late-90′s Rob Thomas, if y’all were even alive back then.
Tazer got the shiner, of course, fighting Chuck’s LT boyfriend Joe Thornton on Friday. I looked up from my computer, saw this going down on mute and threw my laptop across the room. By the time I found the remote it was almost over, which is why Al Gore invented DVRs and rewinding.
Tazer’s scrapping so hard – even took a boarding call – that you know Thornton said something mean about Kaner. Then Jon called him old. Thornton dared Toews to grow half a beard. Toews said ‘Win a Cup!’ Joey said he’d get something better than a lake named after him, then Jon threw off his earrings and press-on nails and went right after a bitch in the high school cafeteria.
Mind you, Joe Thornton doesn’t have a black eye because he won this fight.
At the 1:08 mark of this video, Thornton says, “He asked me to fight and I was kinda shocked, and I said ‘sure.’” And he laughs, because it was pretty funny.
Toews didn’t make a fool of himself or anything – I’ve seen worse fights this week. But Jon has 3 career fights (all losses/link) and Thornton has 26. Of the last 15, Joey won 13, lost 1 (to Eric Lindros!) and had one draw. He’s been around so long HockeyFights.com doesn’t even list winners back then.
I always like to see star players, especially captains, standing up for themselves. The two have a history of rough stuff – a couple of head shots from Thornton were blamed for the belated concussion that sat Toews for 22 games last year.
That said, the Hawks have plenty of get up (what with their undefeated streak) and plenty of guys who’ll drop the gloves. This was a pretty unnecessary risk. When Patrick Kane starts being the smart one in this relationship [link], you need to pause. Then save your sass for the scoreboard.
You can see the shiner in action here, as Toews talks about a fantastic Blackhawks veteran’s outreach program that’ll make you tear right up.
Side note: Auto-life-blog-ban for talking about Toews’ girlfriend, the lucky duck. Not that you would, but save it for Tumblr.
When WUYS is suddenly mentioned in 47 new Tweets in an hour, there’s only one possible reason: Workout video.
When 46 of those messages are in ALL CAPS, I know without reading:
It’s the Blackhawks.
Here’s the video. It takes an extra moment to load, presumably because the internet paused to fan itself back into consciousness.
Between road games in San Jose and Phoenix, the Blackhawks thought an outdoor soccer and football workout would be fun. Nothing says internet sensation like a bunch of pale Canadians with their shirts off in February! (Plus Kaner and Stalberg, who must be in their somewhere.)
Blackhawks TV is the best media output in the NHL. They brought us Joey the Junior Reporter, ugly Christmas sweaters, everything.
Well, not quite everything – until now.
What was that?
Jonathan Toews would have been a QB if he were American. It’s just his style.
He doesn’t even use a resistance band, because none can contain him.
This workout was held at the University of Phoenix… yet I don’t see anyone around. No one suddenly joined the track team? Changed their major to stadium groundskeeping? Impromtu lemonade stand body shots? For shame.
The Blackhawks aren’t just gratuitously fit and camera-friendly. They are 8-0-2 on the season and lead the entire NHL with 18 points.
They have so much swag right now, they’re doing good deeds for other teams! This is like sending the girls to the bar in hopes they’ll attract the bartender more quickly. It’s practically a Blackhawks Bikini Car Wash.
If tonight’s game in Phoenix doesn’t have record ticket sales, there is literally nothing else the NHL can do.
When it comes to the Blackhawks, it’s not easy to be the prettiest anything.
You’re well-dressed… till Patrick Sharp walks by. Feeling reliably heroic… then you see Jonathan Toews. Rugged? Try Viktor Stalberg. Good hair day? Ruined by Brent Seabrook. You can’t even walk a dog without being upstaged by Duncan Keith and forget being adorable with Joey the Junior Reporter around.
But if you’re Patrick Kane, you can still have the prettiest pass in town.
No-look, cross-ice backhand to the wide-open top scorer for the OT winner? Stunned. The Stars commentators are stunned.
Time for Jess’ favorite thing: a Patrick Kane Flying Hug.
The Hawks are off to a 4-0 running start, led by Kane’s 7 points. I know it’s only 4 games, but PK’s play demonstrates what teams were hoping (praying) to see from guys who went overseas during the lockout. No rust. Solid conditioning. Sharp passing, good rhythm and raising the play of everyone else on the ice.
Check out this 3-on-nobody the other night. Goalies wake up sweating in the middle of the night thinking about things like this:
Cue another Patrick Kane Flying Hug.
At their home opener, the Hawks did one of those red carpet player entrances. These events apparently don’t require approval by the US Occupational Health and Safety Administration. Tell me the velvet rope creates a safe distance here:
Patrick Kane, feeling like a boss until…
Patrick Sharp, Life Ruiner arrives. Only to be outdone by:
First of all, who researches these pants? Do they go around measuring hockey players? Or better yet, is there a back room and one of those tailor pedestals involved? Then we could get a squat-test and time how long it takes to get them off… like Field Day at camp, it’s Field Day with Pants. (See what I did there?)
All you need are some boots with the furrrrrrrr.
A liiiiiiiiiiiiiitle highher…
Secondly, I work for free. You should see the pillow I sewed in 7th grade Home Ec class! I’m resourceful too – in case I need to tie two tape measures together to get all the way around some of these boys.
Squats, squats, squats, squats, squats, squats…
“Hockey butt” is, of course, a real thing. In ski racing we call is “Alpine Ass.” With the popularity of backsides these days, perhaps I should have kept that up. The topic was recently featured on ESPN.com and has a Facebook page. Crosby’s custom jeans are legend. It perhaps surprises no one that Gingergoux’s backside has it’s own Tumblr.
Yeah, we get it.
Don’t forget the less famous guys who are dragging some serious wagons. In .gif form, you really have to wonder how iCarly even got these shorts on.
The phenomenon starts early. I can guarantee RNH did not buy these shorts in Okalahoma City.
My favorite rap lyric of all time is, “Is that your ass, or’s your mama half reindeer?” from ‘Shake Ya Tailfeather’ by Nelly. It’s been on my running mix since 2007. Today I really hope my work checks my internet search history. That’ll be a fun meeting.
The best part of these Gongshow pants is the inside. (Isn’t it always?) Check out the waistband:
But what does the fly say?! That’s your mission. First person to send me a photo of the first word gets a prize. Bonus points if it’s on a guy when you take it.
Just in case tomorrow really is the end of the world, it’s been fun. The lockout can’t ruin hockey for me. I decide what I love about it, like the Penguins and Capitals at the same time. Throw in a Flyer while you’re at it. Expansion teams, underage boyfriends, never remembering if the Blackhawks are in my time zone… ah, the good old days.
The last game I went to was a Caps playoff win and, as I said at the time [link], “officially the most fun I’ve ever had at a hockey game.” The one before that, also playoffs, I dragged Gator out of bed at 7 AM on a Saturday like I knew something amazing was going to happen. Then Mike Green scored the GWG.
If this is it, I ended on a high note. Now I can look back at a few things I’ll take with me when we go.
Pants’ Favorite WUYS Moments (old and new)
The first picture I ever posted of Mike Green. In the 2+ years since this post, our fandom relationship has had enough ups + downs to qualify as chick lit.
The Crosby Comeback (Part I). Of all the things I could say about Sid – Where are you supposed to look when you look at him? No place is safe! – I love how excited I was for his return [link] and that it was a hundred times better in real life. [link]
The way these girls are looking at Jordan Eberle. You can substitute another player (I wouldn’t) and some full-size chairs, but that’s us.
The James Neal shootout goal that named the Nealmobile. It was the start of something. I’m sure you can hear us in the screaming.
The blinding perfection of Steven Stamkos. Also how high he can jump. I don’t run away from just anyone in the street.
In Vegas, Intern Jeff Skinner won the Calder Trophy (even though I was rooting for Couture). This is one of my all-time favorite posts.
The Toewsface. There are so many, each perfect in its own way. Each one judging you. Never mind the body it’s attached to.
Camp Biological Clock Biosteel. And the start of this video where Nealer and Seguin check themselves out in the mirror.
Viktor Stalberg and Andrew Shaw show off their not-so-secret identities. Bless the girl who talks them out of their shirts in under two minutes, teach us your Jedi mind tricks [link].
My fondness for gingers hit a new high/low, depending on how you feel about Claude Giroux. [link] You ought to be corrupted by now.
Speaking of: if you Google “hockey plaid suits,” we are 2 of the top 5 results.
Then I admitted that I love Danny Briere, right around the time he had to stand on a box to be interviewed. [link]
Gabe Landeskog discovered Instagram & Twitter, could not find a shirt. [link]
When Chuck’s team won it all, and I was really happy for her. [link]
Then my team won Pants vs. Chuck and I was really happy for myself. [link] Now we actively hate each other’s teams, which makes this all more fun.
Finally I was convinced about Tyler Seguin [link], and Chuck managed to hold herself together. [link]
I didn’t do so badly myself, thanks. (Except for that Stamkos thing.) [link]
My one regret will be if I don’t see another Penguins game. I’ve forgiven but not forgotten the end of last season, and I’d prefer to wash it from my mind with champagne poured from the Cup. God, I was so angry at them [link]! We all need a mulligan sometimes.
My feelings can be summed up by Nike Hockey’s new ad campaign. What are you going to do, take away my Stamkos? Sure they’re talking about the lockout, but they could be talking about the apocalypse. Wherever we end up when this is over, I hope there’s hockey. And Stammer. Then cold is okay too.
Because #hockeyisours.
Mostly I hope you’ve had fun with us over the last 2 years. I love this place and every hilarious, inappropriate, hockey-loving member of this little family.
And if the world doesn’t end tomorrow, you know what that means…
The best charity event so far? Scott Hartnell beat James van Riemsdyk to raise money for Hurricane Sandy relief [link]. Hartnell raised $22k to JvR’s $18k… so JvR went shopping today at the Mall of America, in full hockey gear.
When there’s no hockey on, it’s hard to dislike the Flyers (and former Flyers).
The NHLPA Goals & Dreams Fund and RBC Play Hockey program have their charity game tonight in Toronto. Alison will be there taking photos for us and trying not to get arrested.
If team Stamkos/Neal isn’t enough, Steven said in an interview this week: ”Hopefully we get back because I’m getting too big in the gym working with Gary [Roberts].’” [link]
You all know Crosby and Toews are two of the NHL players meeting with a group of owners today, sans Bettman and Fehr. It could mean nothing or everything, but I really appreciate seeing these two still fighting. They’ve given up their seasons too. If they’d already gone to Europe I don’t know what hope we’d have of saving anything now.
Also, it’s a shame no teams have female owners. Send in these two and this shit would be over by lunch.
He should’ve known better.
Pants
Chuck
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