What's Up, Ya Sieve

Sorry, I couldn’t resist.

Jared Staal will make his NHL debut tonight with the Hurricanes.  That means Eric, Jordan and Jared will all be on the ice!  Marc, who’s still recovering from an eye injury and the subsequent “I told you so!” of Mama Staal, made the trip with the Rangers.  Trust he’ll be looking all ginger in the press box.

Your LL Bean Boyfriend just ran for the hills.

Jared has been playing for the AHL’s Charlotte Checkers.  he only has 3 G/3A in 37 games this season, but who cares?  The Canes aren’t making the playoffs and this is a much better story.  Put me in coach, I’m ready to play!

I have a sneaking suspicion he may be my Favorite Staal of All, based solely on these two graphics:

The real question: What is Jared going to wear on his jersey?  We already have a J. Staal.  Will he wear Ja. Staal?  J. Staal 2.0?  Jared wears #22 in Charlotte, but Zac Dalpe wears it in Raleigh.

Both 10 and 13 are open though – then he could line up numerically with his brothers and we’ll do a segment for Sesame Street, brought to you by sod.

Correction: 10 is retired by the Canes, as pointed out by @ericmac20.  As soon as he said it, I thought, “Ron Francis!” My mistake.  That I would forget a former Penguin from back-to-back Cup winning teams, who scored a Cup-clinching goal – sheesh.  It’s like 50 First Dates in here.  (Also, Jared will wear #34.  Thanks for nothing, kid.)

How Canada sells t-shirts.

I’m telling you, when aliens come to Earth and immediately try to contact the dominant species, they’re going right for the Staals.

Jared will need a nickname to join JStaal (Favorite Staal), EStaal (2nd Favorite Staal) and Ginger Stall (or Cinnamon Staal).  Who’s got suggestions?

So apparently Patrice Bergeron and Intern Jeff Skinner got into a “scrum” at the end of the Bruins/Hurricanes game last night.

This was our reaction.

I know.  I can’t stop laughing either.  So much hilarity.

My feed didn’t actually show the fight because it happened behind the play and Tyler Seguin happened to be on his way to score an empty-netter to seal the win for the Black and Gold.

Luckily for us all, I scoured the internet and DID manage to find some footage of this “fight”

Of course, we want the Professor and our intern to get along. It makes for a much more harmonious office atmosphere.  But if they HAVE to fight, we much prefer this sort of fighting.  Less chances of black eyes.

In other game notes…

Nathan Horton straight up embarrassed J. Staal.  Like right out of his shorts. [Watch this pretty goal.]

Honestly, Jordan.  Where you even paying attention?  Or where you thinking “Man, I could really go for a sandwich right now?”  Or did you momentarily turn into a cat and get distracted by a laser pointer on the ice?

I’m glad that Horton scored because I want him to score all the goals, but really, Jordan. You know better than that.

Dougie Hamilton is making everyone fall in love with him.  The kid continues to reward the Bruins organization’s faith in him by playing like a big boy.  Last night, he set up David Krecji with this salty, no-look dish.

The 19-year-old rookie now was 4 points in his first 5 games of his professional career.

I will now refer to him as the Great Hambino.

Anton Khudobin is a-okay.  While last night’s game wasn’t by any means a goaltending showcase, Bruins back up Anton Khudobin played very well, allowing Bruins fans to breath a small sigh of relief.  Tuukka will of course be the Bruins #1 this season, but should he need a break, I think were going to be alright with the man from Kazakhstan between the pipes.

If you got 21 seconds with Jonathan Toews, is this how you would spend it?

I used to be a ski racer.  I can have someone out of that much gear with time left over for hot chocolate.

Bauer hired Toews, Kane, all the Staals (sorry Jared) AND Giroux to star in their new “base layer” (read: underwear) commercials.  If we’d been aware of this…

And you’ll wish we had.  WHAT A WASTE!  Don’t they know we’re in a lockout?  We don’t get to see any fighting or yelling or 24/7, no “Gabe: Prom?” signs or bromances or sweating.  It’s a hockey recession and this is like burning perfectly attractive money.

This one’s funny though.

I can’t always tell the Staaaaaaaaals apart without golden wings and Intern Jeff Skinner hanging around.

I’m not convinced the picture of underwear at the end has anything to do with it.  Are there laws against false advertising?

Kaner and his shirt off go together like shits & giggles, but we get this:

The biggest waste of them all?  He didn’t wear a shirt all summer and there’s no beer pong in sight.

If the lockout doesn’t get sorted soon, I suggest the NHLPA hire us as their PR department.  We’ll go all off out and put those #theplayers approval ratings through the roof.

Thanks, as always, to our girls:

PS: You know it’s a good day when you can use a Ke$ha lyric in a post.

While the East Coast was stockpiling batteries and Twizzlers on Friday in anticipation of Frankenstormpocalypse, the Chicago Blackhawks and friends were playing in the Champs for Charity hockey game.

Photos from the Chicago Tribune

 They look as happy as I feel, and I wasn’t even there!  All it takes is a little hockey.  Even Jon is giddy – you know that means desperate times.  Troy Brouwer doesn’t know if he should trust this new Jon, who looks ready to faint in a princess swoon when the Disney logo comes on screen.

You can read here all about the good times, including goalie penalty shots, mock fights, even a plaid suit.  There were choreographed goal celebrations!  Chuck and I love nothing more than a good dance routine (cue She’s All That)!

Cubs/Coach Ryan Dempster with the Ice Crew- photo Elliot Harris

Among the players in attendance were these guys, along with Bobby Ryan, Shawn Thornton, JStaal and many more smiles.

Loads of photos to make you wish for an alternate, non-lockout universe:

Hockey Broad

Art by Melissa G

Bonus - Ronald McDonald House press conference:

Blackhawks, past and present, being flawless.

Last year was tough for the Carolina Hurricanes.

EStaal was minus-257 (ish) on the season.  Intern Jeff Skinner had a concussion and was limited to 20 goals.  Cam Ward’s save percentage was 36th among goalies (down from 17th the year before).  They picked up a little after getting a new coach in Kirk Muller, but still finished 23rd overall.

So you know what this summer is about.

Does Eric Staal look like a captain who messes around?  Or does he scrape a bad season off the windshield like a bug and intend to do something about it?

Action shot of Eric preparing to wipe the ice with someone and not laugh.

Eric (and management, though I prefer to think just of Eric) thought about how the Canes could get better: like more goals (ranked 16th overall) and a better power play (20th overall).  Then they looked around the NHL.

Action shot of Eric looking.

 The old saying goes, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.”   Next best bet: “Get a slightly different version of your own DNA to do it for you.”

Saved this photo as “staaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaals.jpg.”

You all heard me wailing when Jordan turned down 10 years with Pittsburgh.  He got traded to Carolina during his wedding reception (Ray Shero does not do the Electric Slide), and promptly signed an almost identical deal with Carolina.  It’s a great move from JStaal even if I get a little dramatic talking about it.

Farewell, my prince.

Since Jared Staal (I haven’t figured out how to abbreviate him yet) is already in the Canes system, Eric is just putting the band back together.  Ginger Staal can stay in NYC  (for now) in case they need a place to crash for New Year’s Eve.

Three down, one to go.

Consider the potential for mighty wings and Amish beards.  Now off-the-charts.

Out the right side of the plane, you’ll see a sod farm.

With Jordan on board, Eric turned the bus toward Washington, DC.  Or the outskirts, since that’s probably how far Alex Semin walked in the time the Caps did not re-sign him.  He started this walk in November, which explains a lot about how he played this season.  (Sorry I’m not sorry).

But (but, but, but), Alex Semin is an awesome natural talent.  It think Carolina is a great fit for him because 1) no Ovi and 2) no Ovi.  I’m not crazy about AO GR8 either, but he and Sasha were poison for each other.  Ovi gets lazy.  This time last year we thought he might put Jennifer Hudson out of a job as Weight Watchers spokesperson.  He helped run Boudreau out of town.  All the while Semin hid behind him like a bratty little brother.  When he did something good, #sashacares would trend on Twitter.  Sarcastic, yes.  Also true.

I wish I’d made this. Of course it’s from www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com.

Semin needs to be on his own.  Cut him loose, see if he can fly.  He has the ability to make $7 million/year look like a good deal.  Does he have the chutzpah?  If anyone can make him prove it, I think EStaal is the man for the job.  Eric has three little brothers + two kids + Skinner and does not put up with this crap.

Censoredcensoredcenored ARMS.

When Semin gets on track, I’ll be equal parts furious and face-palming.

What will this season bring for the Canes?  Coach Muller intends to test drive the Staal/Staal line in training camp [link], likely with Eric on the wing.  If they go Staal-Staal-Skinner, I swear that I will have the adorable-ocalypse meltdown.

Or they could roll two deep in front, with back-to-back Staal-centered lines and Semin alongside.    The Canes lost Brandon Sutter in the trade to Pittsburgh, who is “arguably the Canes’ best defensive forward” [link].  Well JStaal’s got that in spades, having been nominated in ’11 for the Selke Trophy.

More offense, more defense.  Things are looking sweet in Carolina.

(Red Sox fan.  I had to.)

I like the Hurricanes for no reasons other than my soft spot for expansion teams and my combined love for EStaal, Ward & Intern Jeff Skinner.  Maybe I always knew they’d get Jordan.  Maybe I just want a road trip to worship at the Shrine of Staal, as suggested by @thekitchenette.  Either way I hope the Canes do well this year.  Just not as well as the Caps.  Or the Lightning.

So really not that well at all.

ACK.  My Southeast Conference “Kill-F***-Marry” is getting crowded.  If the NHL realigns [link], I trade the Bolts for the Pens and things are even worse.  Basically I’d root for Carolina to finish 3rd in whatever their conference might be.  Realignment would require them to top the Flyers and Rangers for that to happen, landing behind Pittburgh and Washington in my ultimate fantasy reality.  No problem, right?

Now that I’ve confessed my crazy endgame, be honest.  How many of you have been window shopping new teams/players clothing this summer?

You know those movies where every single thing happens in one day and you’re thinking, “Right, who ever has a day like that?”

Then in the middle of this:

This happens:

The trade was tempered by news on Wednesday that Jordan turned down a 10-year, $60 million deal with the Penguins.  He had one year left on his contract, and without a long-term lockup it appeared he was packing his bags.

Still when Shero announced the trade at the draft, I had one of these moments:

The move makes sense – Jordan wants an expanded role and had a career season (25G, 25A) to set himself up.  But with Crosby (hopefully) back full time and the Malkin-Neal chemistry boiling over, Jordan’s ice time can only go down.  So Carolina becomes Team Staal.

Intern Jeff Skinner knows we’ll finally visit now, and he thinks we’re jerks.

(From from ohaicarolina.tumblr.com)

Losing Jordan seems like a crazy detriment to the Pens grit and heart, but Ray Shero has proven many times that he’s right and we should shut up and watch. In exchange for Jordan, the Pens got Brandon Sutter, a very well-suited third line center, defensive prospect Brian Dumoulin and the #8 overall pick (used on dman Derrick Pouliot).

(Buy this here.)

Guys get embarrassed when I cry in front of the whole class, so the Penguins sent photos from Jordan’s wedding to soften the impact of the trade.

To make me laugh, Sid continued with the ludicrous charade of trying to fit his paws into tiny pockets.   

Neal wanted me to feel better, so he existed (mullet and all).

 These two together.  James hates buttons and Crosby is scared of girls – I think this cheer-up campaign is working.

The moral of the story is: get invited to the next Penguins wedding.  Fleury, maybe?  Or Letang, now that he’s going to be a dad?  Maybe if we’re really lucky, the Penguins will sign someone new just in time for his wedding this summer…

It won’t even matter what we wear, because no way we’re the best looking people at the party.

There are lots of photos on Tumblr – looks like everyone had fun.  Congratulations to Jordan all around.  I won’t even be bitter, since the Canes come to DC more often then the Pens, and Raleigh is 30 miles closer to my house than Pittsburgh.  And, of course, there will always be this:

I wish I had more free time, so I could make up stuff like this.

The Staal’s different haircuts… genius!  You can see/buy them all here: Skreened.com/refusehockey.

Can I request a special edition that says INTERN over a brown-haired picture with a 53 on the back?

I’d like to float the idea that we may have misunderstood the rapture.  It wasn’t coming for us, it was coming for hockey.  And it’s pretty much called up everyone from the Pittsburgh Penguins (I knew they were the best.)

James Neal out “weeks” with a broken foot.

Jordan Staal out 4-6 weeks with a knee injury.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

There are no words.  How can one team be so unlucky?  Is it me?  Should I just leave because of all the trouble I’ve caused?

Click for dramatic reenactment.

Bylsma discussed the injuries in this video [link] and talked about next steps for the Penguins.  What else can you do?  The Pens have played through some touch injury combinations over the past few seasons, but this one takes the cake.  I hope Geno’s arms are feeling really long.

Real time photo of Pants as Disco Dan was talking.

I’m trying to be hopeful.  Heck, I’m already crazy.  Crank up the “Don’t Stop Believing” and see where the season takes us.  4-6 weeks can sometimes be 2-3 weeks, and the rest of the Penguins squad is solid enough to pull of some miracles.  But today, if you need me, I’ll driving aimlessly in the Nealmobile in my Pens sweater and stopping at every drive-thru that sells ice cream.

(And because that’s not enough, in last night’s game vs. San Jose, Mike Green left halfway through because of returning “tightness” of his groin injury.  Hunter says they’re just being careful, letting him take it easy.  It wasn’t like they were going to win that shitslide anyway.  Hopefully he was brushing Nicky’s hair in the locker room and resting up.)

The Lightning beat the Flyers 5-1 last night, which means you’ll get to see Stammer’s flowing locks again on 24/7 next week.  Oh, and his two sick goals.

Tampa Bay is still struggling below .500 and near the bottom of the Eastern Conference, but it’s always fun to beat Philly.  Stamkos post-game interview [link] – what he doesn’t mention is staying just one goal ahead of James Neal(.com) for the NHL lead.

Nealmobile got his 21st of the season and it was wacky. It hit his leg, we all yelled “Go in the net!” and so it did.  The puck just wants James to like it, and we totally understand.

As epic as TurBacon Thanksgiving.

Santa brought you a brand new Nealer highlight video, complete with homage to that Hawaiian shirt [link].

Jordan Staal played in his 400th NHL game last night, and scored himself a celebratory goal. Gator and I are hosting an air hockey tournament at work tomorrow and guess who’s on my team?

Team Pants

With just a few days to go till the Winter Classic, even the Empire State Building is getting into the game:

NEW YORK – As the countdown to the 2012 Bridgestone NHL Winter Classic continues, the Empire State Building will celebrate the much-anticipated outdoor match-up between the New York Rangers and Philadelphia Flyers by shining its world-famous tower lights in Rangers and Flyers colors on Wednesday, Dec. 28.  The east/west sides of the building, with west facing Madison Square Garden, will be lit in the Rangers’ Blue, Red and White, while its north/south sides, with south facing the City of Philadelphia, will be lit in the Flyers’ Orange and White. [link]

It’s cool, right?  Or it’s a thousand annoying phone calls informing the building that the blue lights on the south side are broken.

I’m all for the old-fashioned let your kids play outside and get dirty, and yeah sometimes they get hurt.  They’re kids, that’s the way it goes.  But when it comes to multi-million dollar professional athletes:

WEAR A VISOR.

Martin St. Louis was hit in the face during Tampa Bay’s practice yesterday.  He suffered facial and nasal fractures that can’t even be properly determined until the swelling in his face goes down.  This is the man who, in last year’s playoffs, had a two teeth knocked out, a double root canal and was back on the ice the next day.  We know you’re tough, Squishy.  And right now you’re “out indefinitely” with an avoidable injury.

Last week Jordan Staal caught  a puck near the eye against Carolina.  The camera cut to Eric, looking worried and probably thinking, “Shit, Mom is going to kill us.”  Jordan, who has been seriously injured by a shot to the face before, was lucky to have no structural damage and didn’t miss any games.  But he has played the last two matches with a visor.

There are a million instances of visor-preventable injuries.  Hell, even Pronger’s wearing one now after his most recent stick-to-the-face.  I think visors should be mandatory.  Remember before helmets were compulsory, and how totally asinine that seems now?  As much fun as it was to watch Craig MacTavish’s curls blowing in the wind, by the time he was the only bare-headed player on the ice he looked foolish and antiquated.

I know some players hate visors.  I understand how it can disrupt peripheral vision and create distortion when you look out from underneath.  Puck Daddy’s anonymous NHL-er “The Player” made his case this week, prior to St. Louis’ injury [link].  I wear glasses for distance and it was a long-term process to adjust, especially since I don’t wear them all the time.  But you do get used to it.  And if everyone wears a visor, any disadvantage is negated.

These days, with “player safety” as much the NHL’s industry buzz-word as “Kardashian” is to gossip mags, the simple argument of “I don’t like it” seems petulant.  People don’t like wearing seat belts or eating vegetables, but it’s stupid not too.  And when you get hurt, we can’t just say I told you so.  We count the cost in man-games lost, points unscored and positions left open.

Obviously a visor won’t prevent all injuries.  There’s also the issue of fighting, which the League hates to love, and the stigma of throwing punches with a shield on.  If everyone wears a visor, does everyone ditch their helmet and whip their hair before duking it out?  Who knows.  Don Cherry thinks only wusses and Europeans wear visors.  I disagree – I think smart guys who dream of long careers wear visors.  You’re going to get hurt playing hockey, that much is clear.  Limit injuries where possible and save your blood for another battle.