What's Up, Ya Sieve

Five days left left?  NHL ’13, we hardly knew ye!  Let’s be honest, though.

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.

Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.

After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.

Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.

More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

• The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
• The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
• A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.

Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?

With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.

More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.

This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.

More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

Oh holiday season, with your feelings of family and togetherness.  There have been babies everywhere lately – my Thanksgiving, Christmas, office.

And my Twitter feed:

Too much?  Not enough?  Keep scrolling for more cute.

Rangers, Flyers… it’s not the kids fault.

Parker Staal has his own Tumblr feed, thankyouverymuch.

Madison Quick could be our mascot. When she grows up, we have a feeling she’ll love being named after the mermaid from Splash!

This is Joe Thornton, in case you’re not Chuck.  She knows.

Baby skates.  Just stop it.

We have not seen a picture of Baby Letang yet, but rumor has it Marc-Andre Fleury and his wife are expecting.  Milan Lucic and his wife of the sparkly high heels are having a baby this winter too.  Happy holidays, everyone!!

Last night, Patrice Bergeron gave a lesson on how to play like a boss.

Granted, he’s always exceptional in my opinion, but last night vs. the Panthers, #37 really was the #1 star of the game.

He scored both goals during regulation for the Bruins – this wrister on a sicky no-look pass from Pouliot and this tip-in on a beauty on a pass from Tyler “Teen Wolf” Seguin.

EH OH! That's a good looking goal, eh?

And as if that wasn’t enough, he scored the crucial goal in the shootout to keep the Bruins’ chances alive, allowing David Krecji to score the SO Winner.

Most of the time, Bergeron’s play isn’t fancy or stuff that is going to make it on NHL on the Fly, but what it is, is solid, consistent and smart.

And with a nickname like “The Professor”, would you really expect anything less?

Sometimes, when you win, it ain’t so pretty.  It’s okay.  It doesn’t have to be.  A win is a win, but this one was sorta ooglay.  Bruins, for some reason, have struggled against the teams in the Southeast division this season but managed to pull out a win and 2 points thanks to the skill of their assistant captain.  [ Check out Bergy's Post-game presser here. ]

Tonight, Bruins take on the Lightning.  Normally this match-up would have us more excited, but TB is struuuugling.  Like Buttercup and Wesley in the Fire Swamp quicksand.

They are 17-23-4 and  on a 3 game losing streak.  We want them to be better because we adore Stamkos and Squishy and Matt Gilroy (Go BU!), but things just aren’t looking good for the Bolts – despite Stamkos being 2nd in the league in points (50) and leading the league in goals (30).

Tampa Bay, we have a problem.

But at least they are purty to look at.

I’m all for the old-fashioned let your kids play outside and get dirty, and yeah sometimes they get hurt.  They’re kids, that’s the way it goes.  But when it comes to multi-million dollar professional athletes:

WEAR A VISOR.

Martin St. Louis was hit in the face during Tampa Bay’s practice yesterday.  He suffered facial and nasal fractures that can’t even be properly determined until the swelling in his face goes down.  This is the man who, in last year’s playoffs, had a two teeth knocked out, a double root canal and was back on the ice the next day.  We know you’re tough, Squishy.  And right now you’re “out indefinitely” with an avoidable injury.

Last week Jordan Staal caught  a puck near the eye against Carolina.  The camera cut to Eric, looking worried and probably thinking, “Shit, Mom is going to kill us.”  Jordan, who has been seriously injured by a shot to the face before, was lucky to have no structural damage and didn’t miss any games.  But he has played the last two matches with a visor.

There are a million instances of visor-preventable injuries.  Hell, even Pronger’s wearing one now after his most recent stick-to-the-face.  I think visors should be mandatory.  Remember before helmets were compulsory, and how totally asinine that seems now?  As much fun as it was to watch Craig MacTavish’s curls blowing in the wind, by the time he was the only bare-headed player on the ice he looked foolish and antiquated.

I know some players hate visors.  I understand how it can disrupt peripheral vision and create distortion when you look out from underneath.  Puck Daddy’s anonymous NHL-er “The Player” made his case this week, prior to St. Louis’ injury [link].  I wear glasses for distance and it was a long-term process to adjust, especially since I don’t wear them all the time.  But you do get used to it.  And if everyone wears a visor, any disadvantage is negated.

These days, with “player safety” as much the NHL’s industry buzz-word as “Kardashian” is to gossip mags, the simple argument of “I don’t like it” seems petulant.  People don’t like wearing seat belts or eating vegetables, but it’s stupid not too.  And when you get hurt, we can’t just say I told you so.  We count the cost in man-games lost, points unscored and positions left open.

Obviously a visor won’t prevent all injuries.  There’s also the issue of fighting, which the League hates to love, and the stigma of throwing punches with a shield on.  If everyone wears a visor, does everyone ditch their helmet and whip their hair before duking it out?  Who knows.  Don Cherry thinks only wusses and Europeans wear visors.  I disagree – I think smart guys who dream of long careers wear visors.  You’re going to get hurt playing hockey, that much is clear.  Limit injuries where possible and save your blood for another battle.

I want the Tampa Bay Lightning to play better, because they are such a happy crew.  Behind-the-scenes from the Tampa Bay Magazine cover story:

Easy, breezy, beautiful. Now cut your hair.

And there’s adorable video too [link].

Spin like a ballerina!

The Bolts are 11-13-2, while the cross-state Panthers are killing it and leading the division.  That’s right, I said the PANTHERS.  Remember when Rob Niedermayer played for them?

Stunnas.

Stammer has 16 G/13 A, which puts him near the top in goals and points.

Lean back.

But they’re struggling to put together wins.  The Lightning have dropped 9 of 15 games, including the last 4 in a row.

Squishy is a distinguished gentleman.

They play tonight against a team with a worse record – the Islanders.  It would be nice to get a running start into tough road games against the Rangers and Flyers later this week.

Everybody loves Steven.

Hurkey durkey, Turkey!  We know you’re all thankful for hockey, and this week’s Foxy Friday is just a reminder of all the things in the world there are to celebrate.

Dawn & Chuck are out shopping and Intern Jeff Skinner is making sweet potatoes with marshmallows (you should see his apron), so I’m going to kick things off with my 5 (or so) favorite hockey players:

1. Sidney Crosby - Come on back, buddy.  Bring your mustache, we don’t care.  We’re thankful for Sid’s career 215 goals/572 points, half a Rocket Richard trophy and one giant, shiny Stanley Cup.  He also gets my undying devotion and willingness to endure being booed in every arena that’s not Pittsburgh.  A year without him on the ice is far too long.

Yes, I ate a cookie.

2. Mike Green - If you have to ask why, you must be new around here.  Please refer to posts about hedgehogs, scooters, scarves and tattoos.  My condition has not been helped by a move to the DC-area.  Fidget has a career 82 goals/250 points, 2 Norris Trophy nominations, 2 national Geico commercials and a day of the week dedicated just to him.  It’s the smile.

3. Jonathan Toews – Captain Derpface is the shit.  Get on board, people.  Tazer not only plays the best straight-man to Kaner’s antics, but he’s been the heart and soul of his team since he was 21.  His goal with about 1:24 left in the playoff game 7 vs. Vancoucer last season to take the Hawks to overtime and possibly advance toward a Cup repeat was one of my all-time favorite NHL goals.  He just willed it into the net.  I cried.  Yes, I’m crazy.  Thanks for 124 goals/284 points, a Stanley Cup and my vote for MVP last season.  We award you squats, feel free to do them any time.

4. Steven Stamkos – Hockey paradise, they call Tampa Bay.  We might agree.  Stammer has 130 goals/251 points in just 3.25 seasons – you’d smile all the time too.  For all the hype, Stamkos was a slower rookie starter than Toews, Kane or Crosby, which maybe makes me love him more.  He struggled.  The Lightning struggled.  And then last season they steamrolled the Pens & Caps, only to lose a heartbreaker game 7 to the Bruins.  Make that a face-breaker.  For this (and for Gator), Stamkos forever.

5. Wild Card – This place has belonged to a lot of deserving players.  Nicklas Backstrom for keeping his head down and working so hard while everyone around him preens for the camera.  James Neal for fighting through overly high expectations and finally busting out.  Jordan Staal for playing with that severed foot tendon, for being so desperate to play on 24/7.  Fleury for standing in that net every night even when he sucked.  St. Louis for seeming 10 feet tall.

Honorable Mention . Jeff Skinner – For all his hard work around here.

Okay, let’s hear it.  Who are you Top 5 and why?  Try not to write a novel.  Or cry.  I totally teared up over Toews & Stamkos – fangirl moment.

Wouldn’t it be great if I could do one of these for every team?  Chuck’s in Scotland, Intern Jeff Skinner keeps calling in “hockey” and I am all busy while the Lightning get tan and play cards.  (Actually on a work conference call now, and we’re talking about monkeys.  Seriously.)

Confession: I had to Google this - I thought it was a bee. So confused! Of course it's a lightning bug. Ten points from Gryffindor!

Vinny Lecavalier hosted a Celebrity Poker Tournament to benefit a Children’s Hospital.  Because it’s not enough that he can make that jacket look good.  We’re willing to bet Stamkos isn’t much of a gambler – he can’t stop smiling long enough to place a bet.

This look is getting pretty '80s. Which of course Stammer wouldn't know.

The Lightning look healthy and ready to go.  They are going to score a lot of goals.  The question is: can they stop any shots?  Goal-tending will be key and if they can shut down opponents’ tallies this season, their firepower will be tough to beat.

The Bolts play the Blues tonight in the pre-season opener, and you can listen online [link].  (Still talking about monkeys over here.)  For Gator, here’s a video interview [link].

Are my open pants distracting you?

While I was busy watching a Hugh Jackman movie last night, the Ghost in the Machine was drawing my fantasy hockey team.  I want this higher power to pick my outfits – look at this beauty!

When I named my team for Mike Green, that automatically meant I wouldn’t get him.  Happened last year with Getzlaf.  Good thing I didn’t name my team HOT DADS or I wouldn’t have gotten EStaal, Squishy, Ryan(e) Clow(e) or Cam Ward.

Pants is a good coach, and she babysits.

I won my fantasy league last year, thanks to a team build around EStaal.  I also had Clowe, Cam and Giordano – we’re just getting the band back together.  We mayneed a second bus for all our trophies: the Hart, Rocket Richard, Lady Byng and Letang’s solid-gold hair dryer.

I’d also like to nominate my team for Best Looking.  Just throwing it out there.  It won’t win us games, but it sure looks good in the handshake line.  Bet you can’t wait till it’s Team Photo day in the program!

Yes, there's a trophy for this too.

So, who wants Brodeur?

It’s obviously a tough time for everyone in the wake of the KHL plane crash, and I think NHL.com did a nice job of highlighting last night’s Media Tour reception with a really toned-down video [link].  Kudos to them.

Squishy: "So they pose like this...." Shane: "No, the mannequin's hand is higher."

There are quick shots of Kaner, Ovi, Shane Doan, Squishy, Corey Perry, Logan Couture (short hair!) and his girlfriend and even Intern Jeff Skinner, who took our advice and wore short sleeves to show off his manly arms.

As usual though, Steven hogs the spotlight.  The guy can’t help it!  his hair is too long, he needs Gator to iron his shirt and he doesn’t even do anything in this video, but if you can resist him you might be a robot.

The best thing about this, of course, is that it means October is right around the corner.

Welcome to today’s edition of “Who Sounds More Canadian?” [link]  Okay, it’s from the ASG, but we still have Fidget vs. Squishy.

Fidget wins, of course, since they are not speaking French.  (We would die.)  Also highlighted in this video: bad camerawork, Stamkos as a babysitter and “Hey Heidi, move your head.  We can’t see Mike!”

Mike tunes out halfway through this interview – and honestly, so did we.  Picking are slim here kids.  There are eight Mondays left till the season starts.  On the ninth Monday, Gator and I will be celebrating my birthday with this pair, and Steeeeeeeeeeeeven, and chicken fingers & beer.  Let the countdown begin.