What's Up, Ya Sieve

Does this mean we’ve officially made it?

Mexican coca colas for everyone!

We follow pretty much every NHL team on the twitter in the hopes that someday they’ll follow us back and we’ll feel super popular and emotionally validated as serious hockey bloggers.

Phoenix Coyotes were the first to follow us, but have to admit that we’re way more excited about the Bolts following us.

That much closer to Stammer, Squishy, and Stevie Y.

Gator can barely contain her excitement.

I alternate between muting and leaving the room when I’m uncomfortable with what’s on TV.  So I watched the NHL Awards in fits and starts and really tried to only listen when a player was talking.

The show was fairly agonizing, featuring some of the flattest jokes possible.  I generally think Jay Mohr’s pretty funny but the obnoxious thing is a bit much for a whole show.  Why doesn’t Cabbie on the Streets host this thing?

Like a boss.

Worse were the guest stars, most of whom stretch the definition of star to its limit.  A kid from The Wizards of Waverly Place? Awesome that he’s a Kings fan and probably fangirlling inside over Luc Robataille, but presenting?  Of course he was worlds better than the Real Housewives.  I thought I was having a stroke when they were introduced, because surely that cannot have happened.  Then Far East Movement performed.  PICK A DEMOGRAPHIC.  TEACH IT HOW TO PRONOUNCE YOUR WINNERS.  Or let Jon Hamm do them all.

Take us with you!

Okay, end rant.  The players, as usual, were adorkable enough to heal all wounds.  Jeff Skinner’s stuttering acceptance speech made me squee.  St. Louis for the Lady Byng was fantastic – someone get this guy an advert deal with Blackberry!  The constant cuts to Toews looks pissy, Bobby Ryan’s mom all teary, Kesler’s hair… man, I love hockey.

If we were in charge, the NHL Awards should we be better.  Like a bachelor auction or a live action SCORE! The Hockey Musical.  And we’d get picked up by this bus… and miss the whole show.

This isn't where I parked my car!

Now, let’s party.  We don’t know where this bus is going and I promise, we don’t care.  Back in October!

Chuck is inconsolable today about having the face Game 7 tomorrow night in Boston.  Baby, this is the story of my life.  Try to remember that drama is what the playoffs are about.  It’s why we love them.  That sick-to-your-stomach feeling that ends in leaping around the living room or lying face down on the rug.  This is what hockey is all about.

Meanwhile, what is this about?

Squish, are you doing some modern art negative-space beard installation?  Does a full mustache interfere with sniffing your gear for relative freshness this late in the season?

Chuck loves you and hates you and love-hates you and wishes you played for the Bruins.  All 5’8″ of you.

And Steven.  You have reached the tipping point in your first ever playoffs.  This beard - who even knew you could grow a beard?  Who expected it to be so burly?  You can’t fight the lumberjack in these Canadian boys.

Watch the postgame presser here [video] – he keeps touching his face like he can’t believe it either.

So Game Seven it is.  Gator and I tested the functionality of our life plan: leave work in DC at 3 PM, fly to Boston ($375 -ish but I have miles!), buy tickets ($200), crash on Chuck’s floor.  If she’d let Gator in the door with I LOVE YOU STEVEN written on her face in blue marker.  Sadly this plan will not work.  But at the rate we change our life plans around here, we may have another by Friday night.

I will protect this house.

so, you wanna go to turkey with me for summer ... no?

If only this article would have come out BEFORE the Capitals played Tampa Bay then maybe they would have stood a chance! But NO! On the other hand, do hockey fans really read Sports Illustrated? Because they hardly EVERY cover anything on hockey. It would have been the best kept secret, like it still is. (visit)

Ok and don’t laugh, OK – laugh  because the title says, “A former NHL Coach cracks the 1-3-1 code” and guess who the ‘former’ NHL coach is … No, I’m not telling. You’ll have to go there yourself. It’s just too awesome to spoil. Or perhaps you don’t care.

Either way, if I didn’t love the Capitals so much, I would have picked Tampa Bay to beat them because in hindsight, they didn’t have a prayer. With a newly revamped ‘defensive’ team, there was no-way in hell they stood a chance against Guy Boucher’s brilliant 1-3-1 mastermind. And yes, he made it up. He’s my new favoritest human-master-of-the-universe. And while Steve Yzerman deserves the credit for hiring said mastermind, I’m thinking Tampa Bay may only be just getting started.

I can't help but fall for you ...

I strongly dislike to be wrong. I strongly dislike to dislike teams with players and coaches who might soundly beat my favorite players and teams. I strongly dislike to like really smart, weirdly hot, strange but hot, wickedly smart coaches with hot, small players and young, weirdly blonde possibly hot really good but too good for their own good players who compete too well against my own favorite players.

i'm not naming names

So to sum it all up: Boston, don’t read the last week’s SI. I’m trying really hard to not like Tampa Bay and Guy Boucher but I’ve always been drawn to the dark side. And lightening just may strike more than once, twice, three times. I feel a dynasty coming on … and it’s not in Washington I fear.

Now that you won’t be able to get this song out of your head, it’s the battle of the Super Twins, Count Von Count-anyone-can-do-this-job VS. Jumbo Scrimp (Oxy-Maroon), I’m-still -Cryin’ Patty Mar-where’s-the-loo and Logan Haute-Couture. Who will win the West-Coast Battle for the Cup? I called Vancouver in the Wayback Machine.

capt vs capt (i think it's henrik - who knows for sure!)

On the East Coast we got the Not-so-Jolly-Yellow-Giant Chara, Sir Thomas-the-Tank-Engine and i-blow-pucks-out-my-ass-for-goals-bergeron VS stampeding Stammers, Little-Man Louis and Bat-shit-crazy-face-sort-of-hot-in-a-weird-way-guy-the-butcher. I called neither of these and would have never dreamed of either of these but in reverse psychology and covering my bases. I’m going with Tampa Bay and if they win, I’ll be glad and say I called it. If they lose, I’ll say I helped Boston because every team I pick, loses! So either way, I’m covered! Sound practice!

We present to you Timmy “The Tank” Thomas and Martin “Squishy” St. Louis, circa 1996…

Baby TIMMAY!

Baby SQUISHY!

BABY HOCKEY PLAYERS!! Watch the awesome video, complete with stellar 90′s soundtrack!

In 1996, Pants and I were juniors in high school.  She had a curly afro and I had reaaaally long hair and wore Doc Martens.

In 1996, the Tank and Squishy were teammates on the Vermont Catamounts’ hockey team.  Who knew that 15 years later, they’d be facing each other for a chance to play in the Stanley Cup Finals.

Certainly not them.  We’re thinking they were more worried that they ran out of Ben and Jerry’s and that they couldn’t find their favorite flannel shirt.  Let’s be realistic here, people.  It is Vermont, after all.

Should be interesting to watch them when the Eastern Conference Finals start up tomorrow.  Think they’ll meet up at center ice during warm ups for a chat?

Or will it be this instead?

*facepalm*

It’s good to be Tampa Bay! Evidently this 1-3-1 defense is flummoxing everyone and I don’t really understand why the Penguins or the Caps are having a problem with it NOW. Hasn’t Tampa had it ALL SEASON? Is it a surprise NOW? Do they need a special decoder ring because I’m pretty sure Pierre Maguire will share his! OK, maybe not but if you promise to make a play date with him, he just might.

damn you stamkos for your talent and cuteness - just stop it! NOW!

It sent the gorgeous Letang on an early vacation and it’s looking like Ovi is going to be doing the Turkish chicken dance in his speedo sooner rather than later without putting a ring on it AGAIN! And honestly, Washington’s Defense has been like Where’s Waldo? I said last week you need defense to win. But you need it for all three periods.

Whadda mean we can't play defense from here? we's suppose to be out thar?

I don’t mean to be Debbie Downer but I’m also a realist. I hope the Capitals can pull four wins out of their asses and I would totes love that. But Tampa has played well and I can give credit where credit is due. Squishy, Stamkos, Lecavalier along with Old Man Roloson have been troopers, plus having a bat-shit crazy coach probably helps! So tomorrow I may be posting photos of Ovi’s chicken dance in Turkey prepping you all for what’s to come for the next six months.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Whenever someone messes up in a Caps game I think, “Thank God it wasn’t Mike.”  But last night, it was.

I hung around Verizon for about 30 min yesterday after the Nationals game, deciding if I should spend way too much money on a hockey ticket or save it for Game 5.  If there is a Game 5.  There has to be, right?  Well good thing I didn’t go because I would have cried.

Halfway through the third, Squishy tried to pass through the crease.  The puck hit Mike’s skate like a backboard and went right in behind Neuvy.  It could have happened to anyone.  Lecavalier was right there with a wide open net anyway.  But UGH, Mike looked so sad looking up at the Jumbotron.

Shortly after, Mike took a bad penalty for sticking his elbow in Steven Stamkos’ face.  Someone’s been reading WUYS and got a little jealous over my fangirling Friday night.  Stammer weighs like 180, he wasn’t going to crush anyone into the boards.  But Mikey facewashed him anyway (because I said I like his beard).

Photo from jlrpuck.tumblr.com

I couldn’t watch to power play, too worried that TB would score again.  The Caps did kill it off (thank heaven) and Ovi got a beauty of a Hail Mary to send the game to overtime.  New hope, right?

Nope.  Lecavalier scored in OT to put the Bolts up by two games.  The Caps just can’t get a bounce!  Boucher will keep talking like they are underdogs and fighting an uphill battle and… oh shut up.  If you’re going to play great and convert on every opportunity then at least own it.

Shake it off, Mike.  If you’re sad then Nicky and Brooksy are sad and Sasha’s hair is so 90s that he can only take so much post-Cold War dreariness.  You’ll take the whole bromance down.  So have yourself a group hug, get iCarly to photobomb someone and you’ll feel better.  Work on your already suspicious tan in Florida and just relax.  Wins are coming.  We can feel it.  And some people can STFU, thankyouverymuch.

I feel your pain.

I really do. I was there last year. My caps went out in the first round. This was me last year. But I lived through it. And you will too.

I'm serious. Wipe the F*** chocolate off your face and get up! YES - YOU!

You are better than this and your men need you. Maybe not your team but there are others out there in the trenches fighting, that need adopting temporarily at least until the end of the season. And this is YOUR SPORT. This is Hockey and a drought is coming – need I remind you? SUMMER … NO HOCKEY? At all? So pull yourself together, go back through the blog and pick a team, a man, SOMEONE, adopt-a-man, adopt-a-cause – put a stamp on it and make it YOURS and work it sister. Because come June, we are all going to look like the above so no getting a jump on things now!

Five reasons you should ADOPT-A MAN-CAUSE-ANYTHING-RIGHT-NOW-FOR-THE-LOVE-OF-HOCKEY:

1. What else do you have going on? I mean really? Seriously. Tell us. Because we would know. NOTHING. Huh. So? what are you waiting for? If you need suggestions. We have some.

2. There are some very ELIGIBLE men available for ADOPTION. Shea Weber. Mike Fisher. The Sedin Twins. No, I am not joking here. They have an awesome sense of humor and mad skills. Joe Thornton. Patrick Marleau. Oh god did I just write that? Tim Thomas. Henrik Zetterberg. Mike Modano. Brian Boucher. Milan Lucic. Andrej Meszaros. Martin St. Louis. Steven Stamkos. Mike Green. See, I’m not even asking you to support you-know- who because I know you will from the closet and that’s OK!

how could you not support this?

3. THERE IS NO CRYING IN HOCKEY. EVER. Except if you’re Sean Avery and really, do you want to join that club? Screaming, breaking things, punching objects and being sad pandas, OK. We except that.

we'll even give you a cyber-hug.

4. If you ‘accidentally run into’ and by ‘accidentally’ I mean ‘accidentally on purpose stalking them’ -  say, Kris Letang or MAX TALBOT or Jonathan Toews, do you really want a badunkadunk butt or muffin top (even though that’s the best part of the muffin!) from all the chocolate, bon bons and cupcakes you ate? Wouldn’t you want to be in your fabulous best shape EVER?!

well hello there, come here often? wanna see MY stanley cups?

5. IT’S HOCKEY. YOU LOVE IT. WE LOVE IT. IT’S NOT OVER – YET. YOU ARE NOT A QUITTER. WE BELIEVE.

So let's kiss, make up and move on!

And lastly, whether we all like it or not, as Sean Connery said in HIGHLANDER, “There can be only one.”

my what fancy wear and BTW - pants LOVES your hat!

I can’t make an alliterative joke about Tuesday without wanting tacos!

The Pens won 3-2 last night on a sweet baby barbecue sauce goal from Tyler Kennedy. [video] If you’ve never watched a Pens game with me, TK gets some of the loudest cheering.  He is my Who from Whoville, wha-hoo-na.

I want my two dollars!

LePretty had 2 assists in the win, good news since he hasn’t had a goal since Jan 10.  Points please, and I don’t care who scores ‘em. 

PensTV treated us to a little backstage look at Crosby and Malkin high-fiving the team off the ice.  Sid looks so short a) next to Geno and b) without skates.  My heart did a triple toe-loop to see them though and if you can’t be an athlete, be an athletic supporter.  Max has no idea where to go and Flower cannot turn left (but he can do Blue Steel). [video]

Does this suit make by butt look big?

In a side note on awesome, Squishy scored twice.  This is the same man who had two teeth broken in game one, got a double root canal that night and was back in action for game two.  At 5’8″ and 176 pounds, imagine how many people told Martin St. Louis growing up that he was too small to play.  Where are those people now?  His pair wasn’t enough for the win, but the Bolts were definitely in this game to the end.

Two teeth. And no penalty!

And I love this photo.  The pressure on Steven Stamkos right now hurts my heart.  I don’t want him to start really scoring – not now, not against us – but it’s his first trip to the playoffs and Stammer’s slumping big time.  Five goals in 30 games slumping.  Great article on it here.

Stop looking at me, swan.

So here’s hoping Steve-o gets, like, two in the next game… and the Pens get five.  One each for Letang, Staal, Talbot, Kennedy and one for Flower while we’re at it.