What's Up, Ya Sieve

Max Talbot will be the hero of this lockout. Flyer or not, we cannot live with him in this terrible time.

Hold on, I can’t stop laughing.

Max is one commercial away from being the Old Spice guy at this point.  Sexy as all get out, no shame and knows that women love a guy with a sense of humor.  Clearly his friends are in love with him – listen to them in the background.

You are powerless to resist.

Also, archery is hot.  Katniss and Brave aside, Disney’s Robin Hood with the foxes is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I even took archery lessons, and Max is good.  Really good.  The jug of water is close range but to hit something small and moving?  Maybe they did twenty takes, or just got really, really lucky.

Be honest, you’re thinking about getting really lucky too.

Shot through the heart.

Max doesn’t crack a smile in this or the one-finger push-up workout video.  Deadpan reaction shots kill me!  I’m crying/laughing while my brain sings “Every Thing I (I Do It For You).”  Thanks to Talbo for 52 seconds of forgetting the lockout.  When is Giroux going to make a guest-appearance in one of these gems?  Maybe they make plates at Color Me Mine or try gator wrestling?

For further lockout distraction homework, I suggest the BBC Robin Hood series from a few years back.  You will not be disappointed (and you can borrow my DVDs).  Just like real life –  where I should hate the Flyers bad guys by definition – I am so Team Gisbourne/Allan that it confuses and frightens me.

And there is archery.  See?  Happens every day.

Thanks to everyone who sent this to us – Melissa (@M_Gagermeier), Macy (@WestSideZag), Deb (@DLF1021) and Amanda (@amandalitty).  What are you guys, on Max’s mailing list?

I love you guys so much.  I’m home alone, laughing like Tom Hanks in The Money Pit because you send me the best stuff.  Specifically Amanda (@amandalitty) and Deb (@DLF1021)  who tonight sent this:

Leave it to Max to make the dirtiest-sounding workout video of all time – while wearing head-to-toe sweats.

#1: This workout.  Making other sweatpants jealous worldwide.

#2: This disguise.  I was thinking, “That’s not Max.” Why the hood?  When I can see a picture of your esophagus on Google because that’s how you kiss drunk chicks in bars?  When the camera cuts behind the pillar, I figured Max and the stunt double switched places for the big reveal.

#3: This trainer.  “Push it!”  ”Keep it tight!” “Niiiiiiiiiiiice” with the throaty growl.  If you let the kissing (see #2) happen, this is what you end up hearing from Max all night.

#4: This cameraman!  “Remember the thing from last week? You don’t want to talk about it.  Just one more time.  Please, please.”  If #2 leads to #3, then #3 leads to this and suddenly your amateur late-night debut is being live streamed to the Philadelphia Flyers player phone tree.

I swear.  Close your eyes and listen.  Maybe not at work though, because your boss will never believe this is the sound of fully-clothed activity.

As ever, Max leaves us all blushing.

Marc-Andre Fleury was handsomely married to his longtime girlfriend Veronique on Saturday.  We bring you highlights from the Red Carpet Show, with your host Sidney Crosby.

Sid: This is Captain Tiny Pockets, reporting live from… wait, what is that?  Neal, Tanger, are you seeing what I see?

James: Uhhhhhhhuh.

Kris: Busy checking out #18 there, in his plaid jacket.

Sid: Oh my, ladies and gentleman, we’re not really sure what we’re seeing here, but it appears to be approaching.

James: Look away, it won’t notice us.

Kris: I’m staying over here, brown elf shoes are not good for running away.

Sid: It’s come much closer now and we’re able to make out that it’s, well… is that what we think it is?

James: If I can’t see it, it can’t see me.

Sid: Yes, yes it is.  We have confirmed it is Max Talbot, arriving for the B Movie Horror Convention at the Baltimore Airport Holiday Inn.

Max: Hands in pockets, this is how you do it.

Sid: No, we’re receiving reports he is actually here for the wedding.  He’s getting closer.  Neal, what plan of action do you suggest?

James (backing away): Allow it.  I look much more handsome and gigantic now.

Sid: Since he’s wedding crashing, let’s get an exclusive interview with Max.  Talbot, WTF are you wearing?

Max: This is my wedding suit.  If I take off the bow tie, drunk bridesmaids think I’m the priest and start confessing all kinds of stuff.

Sid: They won’t let you in the church dressed like the Devil.  Have you gone down to Georgia?  Brought a fiddle made of gold?

Max: You’re wrong, Romeo.  Girls love dastardly-chic.  They’re all going to get on this drunk bus, and you’ll have to walk.

Sid: You are not invited to my wedding, Max.

James: Empty threat.

Sid: Shut up. Here are Flower and his bride!

All of us: Sigh.

Jordan: Flower! Hey Flower! Turn off your cell phone!

Vero (looks at Brent Johnson): I don’t think that’s necessary.

Heather Staal: Jordan, you said I would be the only one wearing Canes red. Damn it, Max!

Sid: Ladies, please. We have a live satellite transmission from the Russian forest.

Geno: Здравствуйте!  Sorry I could not be there, my date was not allowed on plane in traditional Russian wedding garb.

Sid: Is that a Vespa on your shirt? Oh, nevermind.  Here come the bride and groom again.

All of us: Gorgeous.  Both of you.  Adorable French babies who can spin like ballerinas, now please.

Sid: That’s it for our live broadcast, thanks for joining us.  See you next time with… James?  James?  NEAL!  (Drunk bus beeps as it passes, Max at the wheel and James waving from the window.)  Oh that’s it.  I’m trading Paul Martin, I don’t care how many omelets $5 million makes!

(All photos credit to 25stanley.com)

Tonight’s the night, and it’s not Santa coming to town.  Jaromir Jagr will bring his orange sweater to Pittsburgh for the first time.

Jagr played 11 seasons with the Penguins before being traded to the Capitals, then the Rangers.  After the ’08 season, he returned to the Czech Republic and played three years in their professional league.  Over the summer, he announced his intention to return to the NHL.  Cue the speculation.  Would he come back to finish his Hall of Fame career in the city where he won two Stanley Cups?  Did the bad taste left after his difficult post-Lemiuex captaincy still linger?  Or was it about the money?

Jagr signed a 1-year contract with the Flyers in July, worth $3.3 million.  He said other teams offered more money [link], but he thought Philly had what it takes to win.  He may be right.  So far he has 11 G/19 A playing on the top line.

Less than two hours after signing Jagr, while I was still laughing, the Flyers signed Max Talbot.  No more laughing.

*le sigh*

In 2009, Max scored both goals in Stanley Cup Final Game 7 to seal the Penguins first Cup win since Jagr left.  On paper, that was his claim to fame.  Pens fans know it was more than that – heart, soul and humor all lived in Max.   But how much ice time, and how many more seasons?  He wanted longevity and security; the Pens offered him a three year deal.  He went to Philly for five years and $9 million [link].  Max already has more goals (9) this year than ever before, and his well on his way the scoring more points (15 now) than his career high (26).  We’re glad to see him doing well even if we have to swallow back the bile to say that.

So, tonight.  I’m sure Jagr will get the mega-boo.  Max will get the initial cheer, because you always love your ex-boyfriends just a little even if they break your heart.  After that, it’s the boo for Talbo too, I’m afraid.  I doubt he’ll be telling anybody to “shhhh.”

Game day interviews with Jagr and Talbot here, thanks to PensTV.

The Penguins and Flyers are currently tied with 46 points, behind the Rangers 48 points in the Atlantic Division.   Pittsburgh has so many injuries their locker room has moved to a triage tent in the parking lot.  Philly is without Pronger, likely for the season, but Giroux’s concussion comeback seems to be legit – he leads the NHL with 44 points. (WAIT, CLAUDE GIROUX IS 23 YEARS OLD?  What the eff?!?)

I’m skipping Sherlock Holmes for the fourth night in a row to be home for this one, I’m expecting a big game out of my boys.  We’re having a few banner seasons of our own: Malkin has 42 points, Neal has 21 goals.  It’s not the Two-Headed Monster but it’s still really freaking good.

The Flyers have hit a rough stretch, losing 4 of 5 and philosopher-goalie extraordinaire Ilya Bryzgalov has lost his last 4 starts with a GAA over 4.5 (seriously though, love this guy).  Backup tender Bobrovsky has had the Pens number in past seasons.  No word on who will start in Philly’s net tonight.

While these signs were meant for Caps fans back on 12/13, I think we can agree they apply here as well:

From the hilarity of www.russianmachineneverbreaks.com

GO PENS!

Someone we know once posted this to Facebook:

Thanks, Paul C.

Safe to say that hashtag also applies to:

Biebs skated with the Leafs  [link] in a track suit because they didn’t have any Youth Medium hockey gear laying around.  Look at his pants – I bet they’re rolled at the waist too.  Phaneuf is all, “You said Disney princesses!  I brought my Ariel lunchbox to get signed!”  I don’t think JB’s huge diamond stud earrings would fit under a helmet.

In a totally unrelated story, look which ad is featured on NHL.com today:

This triggered a chorus of “MissyouWhyPhiladelphiaagainSid’sdryerislonely” from my office.  And I haven’t even been watching 24/7!  But I’ll catch up now so as to not miss the triumphant return of Claude Giroux.  He wasn’t concussed, he was just saving up points.

Hahahahaha, NHL.com, you so funny.

Gingeroux had 1 G/3A in the Flyers win over Dallas last night [link].  He missed 4 games and still holds the NHL lead in points scored with 43.  Alright fine, you kinda like him don’t you?  Gross.

As predicted,  Pens’ Deryk Engelland will have a hearing with Shanahan today over his hit on Marcus Kruger [link].  Kruger did not play last night as the Hawks piled up on the Habs.  Corey Crawford, who has been benched in favor of Ray Emery for the last 6 games, was pretty impressive in net for Chicago.  Also applause-worthy is Jonathan Toews tying Stamkos for the NHL goal-scoring lead (it was an empty net but we’ll take it!)

Love everything about this.

Colorado won their 7the straight home game [link], which would be really exciting if they hadn’t also lost their last 9 road games.  But now they’re at .500 and they have 3 home games left before the end of the year.  They could be pulling up into the top 8 in the West pretty quickly.

And if you’re still watching, the Hurricanes blew a 3-1 lead to Phoenix last night in a really hard loss.  They are 2-6-2 under their new coach and are last in the East with just 26 points.  Apparently the fact that I really like the Canes and that their mascot Stormy is “an anthropomorphic ice hog” (Wikipedia gem) doesn’t count for much these days.  I’ll keep writing letters to Santa and maybe he can give EStaal and the boys a break.

I’m just going to get this out of the way now.  We miss you, MAX TALBOT and wish you lots of happiness, pool boy commercials and mustaches.  (Well, Dawn doesn’t.)

But starting in 7 days, we’re going to have to kick your ass.

On the bright side, it seems Max is being embraced by the Flyers players and fans.  This guy could make friends with Voldemort.  And he’ll be scene-stealing again on 24/7, fershure.

So one last time: Godspeed, Max.  Thanks for making it so much fun.

Power at my house could be out till Friday.  If I had anything this orange I wouldn’t need lights.

This is hard, and it hurts.  It also looks like the place Harry Potter wakes up half-dead next to fetal horcrux Voldemort.  You can stay there Max, but you can choose to leave.  This doesn’t have to be the end.

Oh Max.  I cannot stay mad at you.  I needed a day to cool off and now I just want to hug you and say everything will be okay, except for that hideous sweater you’ll have to wear.  But your Christmas sweater was a good warm-up.  If anyone could pull off nuclear orange, it’s you.

Max did an interview with the Pittsburgh Tribune Review [link] and said:

I don’t want to be thought of as a traitor. I know it’s emotional for fans for me to be leaving for the Flyers, but I hope I’ll still have some support. It’s going be tough for fans to accept.

And while we’re at it, we have a hug for Geno too.

On Evgeni Malkin’s reaction:

“I just texted him (Saturday) about this, but when he heard last week that I wasn’t going to be a Penguin anymore he sent me a text that was so Geno. It just said, ‘Why?

We’ll miss you, Max.  Don’t you dare have as much fun in Philly as you did with the Pens.

Max Talbot signs with the Flyers, 5 years at 1.8 million/year.

JUST KILL ME.

Max got a raise ($1.05 mill with Pens).  And I know that when the shock wears off I will still love him but… do you have to aim right for my heart?  Do you have to stand so close and shoot me point blank?

I want to find out that the Hawks and Sharks were never at his table.  That there was never a chance he was going to make the Ultimate Wingman Dream Team with Patrick Kane and everyone in the midwest would have to lockup their daughters.

Quebec, the ‘Burgh and the WUYS offices are very sad today.  We understand, Max, that you have to do what you have to do.   Or we will someday.  But this… well, don’t call us for a while.

Have fun with Jagr.

It is a day of rejoicing around the WUYS offices!

1) Ray Shero, you are a beast.  The Pens have signed Pascal Dupuis for 2 more years at $3 million.  Now he and Sid can stay up talking all night about Sid’s one fight again.

2) Six more years of Brooks Laich!  GMGM and the Caps obviously read our blog and ponied up $27 million to quiet us down.  Cue my awesome in-office version of “Baby, I Laich It.” (have I mentioned I love Pitbull?)

3) MAX TALBOT’s bestie pal Bruno Gervais got a 1-yr deal to backup dance for Stamkos in Tampa Bay.  That team is getting better looking daily.