What's Up, Ya Sieve

During last night’s Capitals vs. Penguins game, the role of the Caps was played by Honey Boo Boo:

Or maybe she was playing me, and those pumpkins are my fumbled, oddly-shaped emotions.

The Capitals can juggle two things.  Or two periods of hockey.  It’s the third thing, usually the middle period, that falls apart and smacks them in the face.

My balancing act fails when my favorite team spanks my second favorite team so hard that I feel it two states away.

Last night the Caps took a 1-0 lead into the second period.  Then this happened:

That’s 5 goals in the second period.  And I loved every single one of them.

Pssst Ebs, consider a different color for your pants.

Malkin threading the top corner!  Neal coming across the slot on the backhand like he’s putting his coat over a puddle so your new shoes don’t get wet on the way to dinner!

I even experimented with Things that Can be Done in Five Minutes:

1) I make a sandwich.

2) Crosby scores a goal.  On order.

He wouldn’t take half your sandwich after.  He’s that kind of guy.

But the second period was also my nightmare.  I hate to see the Caps get embarrassed, especially now when their mental state (or is it mine?) is fragile and their confidence shot.  I’ve started making outrageous bargains with the universe, like “If I found a magic lamp, I’d use one wish to help the Caps” and “If I give up bagels, the Caps will start winning.”

Shockingly, that hasn’t worked.  The fates do not care what I eat for breakfast.

Is it panic time now?  Everywhere you look, people are piling up kindling like they’re going to burn the Caps for the insurance money.

I can offer no remedies for the Caps except baked goods, and this situation is beyond even cupcakes.  So I’ll just watch through my fingers and hope that somehow, someway, this turns around before all is lost for the Caps in 2013.

Frankly, I cannot risk depressed Mike Green getting any more tattoos.  Mikey Monday could be on the line here, people.  This is serious.

Penguins vs. Capitals should be a rough day for me, what with my love of both teams.  Yet it never is.

Of course Mike Green had a goal ysterday – a lovely, wide open one-timer past former Caps goalie Tomas Vokoun to tie the game against my Penguins.  Just flexing his muscles when my eye starts to wander.

Ignore the clip-maker who doesn’t know Holtby plays for Washington.

I was cheering for him on the inside, just a little.  It’s like horizontal running. Then I hid my face when his official homeless-themed roster photo appeared on the scoreboard.

The goal was Mike’s second of the season, in 9 games played.  Last year he had only 3 in 32 games, with the rest of the season lost to injury.  Both of his goals this year have tied their respective games.

Also in yesterdays game, he and James Neal collided more than once.  I felt that, let me tell you.

Mike’s goal and the Caps effort were not enough yesterday – and I am not sorry. There was much too much of this going on:

And this.  Chris Kunitz had a hat trick, Crosby had 3 assists, Letang and Cooke each had 1 G/1 A.

I had too much cold medicine and the spins from watching the Pens warm up from the front row.  You try to make it through 17 minutes of Nealer doing this, only closer.

Not from yesterday, still 100% accurate.

While I was cheering loudly and often for the Pens, they could have been better.  The Caps played pretty well, except their power playis like watching that revolting Go Daddy Super Bowl kissing commercial for two minutes straight. Vokoun had to be very good in net, and he certainly was.

It’s not his fault iCarly scored the weirdest goal I’ve ever seen:

Crosby’s got a 4-game point streak going… and the tiniesthint of a mustache.  No no no!  Why can’t his superstitions run toward shirtless push-ups after every game?  Don’t make me hate points, Sid.  The Pens face the Islanders Tuesday night, then rematch against the Caps on Thursday in Pittsburgh. Will this still be going on (because you know it won’t be any darker by then)?

Post-game interview, ghost-stache is action here.

The bad news is the Caps lost their season opener vs. Tampa Bay.

The worse news is they lost 6-3 and got dominated by some old(er) guys (Brewer, Lecavalier, St. Louis) and a kid fresh off the AHL bus (Conacher).

But the worst news is this:

Mike Green used to style his hair with a mascara wand.  He once tossed his helmet before a fight just to show it off [video, never gets old].  Now he looks like a broke backpacker who woke up on the Jaipur train platform just in time for that 20 hour ride to Mumbai.

Old Mike Green would never have allowed this.

Post game interview video.

Mike did play nearly 27 minutes, a good sign for early-season conditioning and proof that he is, in fact, finally healthy.  He had two shots and ended up -1.

The Caps home opener is tomorrow night vs. Winnipeg.  I’ll be there, and this hair will be too.  It’s going to take some great MG52 on-ice performances for me to stop missing the last time he was nominated for the Norris…

Baby Mike, circa 2010

(Apparently it was too optimistic to expect the Caps to give me something to talk about after only one game.)

If there’s one thing I like more than hockey, it’s food.  Last night the Capitals Fan Appreciation Night had free hockey AND free food.

So of course we were in the front row.

Rockin’ the Red with Rae and Pam

For this…

BAM!  No beard.  Hallelujah and also merci.  I’ll give you the hair, Greener, if you save the beard for the playoffs.

BTdubs, these were not taken with a zoom.  Where’s Harry Potter when you need him to “accidentally” make some glass disappear?

Then we could have taken care of this Caps second biggest grooming issue:

“You don’t like my flow?”

Other highlights included Nicky getting pissed because you said he looked like a woman in his roster photo:

But he had the fair Swedish curls going, so you took it all back.

Meet our new favorite Capital, Joey Crabb.  It’s a little unfair how much comic relief this team has.

Ovi told Elliot that his all-time favorite NHL player is Dale Hunter.  Oooh, burn.

Don’t get all funny and witty now, Alex.  I still don’t like you.

It was nice to see the familiar face of Tom Poti, BU alum and Caps defenseman who hasn’t played in two calendar years due to various injuries.  He may be in the lineup for Saturday’s season opener.

Neuvy and Holtby, our illustrious goaltending duo (Rae loves goalies):

At the end of the practice a few players answered fan questions.  Someone asked Matt Hendricks for his favorite Gangnam Style dance move – but Fehr claimed he didn’t know it.  IMPOSSIBLE, I say.

Luckily Troy Brouwer bailed him out:

We died.  The crowd died.  Completely overloaded with traffic, Twitter briefly changed it’s “overloaded” screen to a picture to that lasso move instead of the birds lifting a whale. Here’s the video.  TB20 really went for it, loved it long time, and will now be invited to every wedding in DC this year.

Here’s our view, complete with Rae and I screaming:

What do you think, Mike?

Amen, buddy.  Overall, a great night.  I couldn’t be more excited for hockey.

Do you ever get the feeling Mike Green doesn’t want us to like him?

1.12 Post-practice video

Only kidding.  He shaved his neck beard to show he cares.  (Clearly he read our Puck Daddy playoff beard coverage.)

It wouldn’t work anyway.  If we liked this Mike Green:

And this Mike Green:

Then Cat Stevens here is just another phase.  Look at that smile!

I’m so glad to have him back right now I don’t care what he looks like. (Hahaha, RIGHT.)  Too bad for anyone who does – the Caps took roster photos Saturday so even if Mike goes back to this tomorrow:

pleasepleaseplease

You’ll be looking at the Grizzly Adams beard all season.  Sorry.

Far, far worse than the grooming situation – Mike missed two days of optional practice last week to have Lasik.  That means no more of the shriek heard ’round the Tumblr world over this:

Does this signal the end of Emo Green?  Or is a beard & shag the new glasses-and-a-VW Bus combination?

UGH.  I’m all for Mike not getting a puck to the head every other game, but let’s not pretend that was due to his eyesight.  In his first practice back, Mike crashed into Neuvy and went ass over tea kettle into the net (as documented on RussianMachineNeverBreaks.com).  Some things never change.

I have NO idea what you mean. – 1.13 Post-practice video

Side note: There’s almost real hockey to talk about.  I’m so relieved.

Just in case tomorrow really is the end of the world, it’s been fun.  The lockout can’t ruin hockey for me.  I decide what I love about it, like the Penguins and Capitals at the same time.  Throw in a Flyer while you’re at it.  Expansion teams, underage boyfriends, never remembering if the Blackhawks are in my time zone… ah, the good old days.

From facebook.com/hockeymemepage

The last game I went to was a Caps playoff win and, as I said at the time [link], “officially the most fun I’ve ever had at a hockey game.”  The one before that, also playoffs, I dragged Gator out of bed at 7 AM on a Saturday like I knew something amazing was going to happen.  Then Mike Green scored the GWG.

If this is it, I ended on a high note.  Now I can look back at a few things I’ll take with me when we go.

Pants’ Favorite WUYS Moments (old and new)

The first picture I ever posted of Mike Green.  In the 2+ years since this post, our fandom relationship has had enough ups + downs to qualify as chick lit.

The Crosby Comeback (Part I).  Of all the things I could say about Sid – Where are you supposed to look when you look at him?  No place is safe! –  I love how excited I was for his return [link] and that it was a hundred times better in real life. [link]

The way these girls are looking at Jordan Eberle.  You can substitute another player (I wouldn’t) and some full-size chairs, but that’s us.

The James Neal shootout goal that named the Nealmobile.  It was the start of something.  I’m sure you can hear us in the screaming.

The blinding perfection of Steven Stamkos.  Also how high he can jump.  I don’t run away from just anyone in the street.

In Vegas, Intern Jeff Skinner won the Calder Trophy (even though I was rooting for Couture).  This is one of my all-time favorite posts.

The Toewsface. There are so many, each perfect in its own way.  Each one judging you.  Never mind the body it’s attached to.

Camp Biological Clock Biosteel.  And the start of this video where Nealer and Seguin check themselves out in the mirror.

Viktor Stalberg and Andrew Shaw show off their not-so-secret identities. Bless the girl who talks them out of their shirts in under two minutes, teach us your Jedi mind tricks [link].

My fondness for gingers hit a new high/low, depending on how you feel about Claude Giroux. [link]  You ought to be corrupted by now.

Speaking of: if you Google “hockey plaid suits,” we are 2 of the top 5 results.

Then I admitted that I love Danny Briere, right around the time he had to stand on a box to be interviewed. [link]

Gabe Landeskog discovered Instagram & Twitter, could not find a shirt. [link]

When Chuck’s team won it all, and I was really happy for her. [link]

Then my team won Pants vs. Chuck and I was really happy for myself. [link]  Now we actively hate each other’s teams, which makes this all more fun.

Finally I was convinced about Tyler Seguin [link], and Chuck managed to hold herself together. [link]

I didn’t do so badly myself, thanks. (Except for that Stamkos thing.) [link]

My one regret will be if I don’t see another Penguins game.  I’ve forgiven but not forgotten the end of last season, and I’d prefer to wash it from my mind with champagne poured from the Cup.  God, I was so angry at them [link]!  We all need a mulligan sometimes.

My feelings can be summed up by Nike Hockey’s new ad campaign.  What are you going to do, take away my Stamkos?  Sure they’re talking about the lockout, but they could be talking about the apocalypse.  Wherever we end up when this is over, I hope there’s hockey.  And Stammer.  Then cold is okay too.

Because #hockeyisours.

Mostly I hope you’ve had fun with us over the last 2 years.  I love this place and every hilarious, inappropriate, hockey-loving member of this little family.

And if the world doesn’t end tomorrow, you know what that means…

FOXY-POCALYPSE FRIDAY.

In an alternate universe, today is Monday, December 17.  The Panthers are playing the Capitals tonight.  I’ll be there, meeting Rae and Josie in our usual seats before the pre-game skate with a beer and chicken tenders.  It’s a great game: Mike has a hat trick, Nicky has four points, iCarly is under the hood and during the intermission, all the Mites on Ice fall down at the same time.

Alas, I’m stuck in this crappy version of hockey-challenged reality.  At least Tumblr wouldn’t leave us alone on a dreary Monday that promises to drag on all week until holiday vacation time.

Tumblr presents – An ode to Mike’s hair:

And one to his tattoos, which I still don’t like.  Apparently that doesn’t matter as much as I once would have thought.

Alterna-Mike has completed his transformation.  Once upon a time, we’d have testified in court that he styled his hair with a mascara wand.  Now this hat is the new hairdo.  It makes my eyebrows feel really inferior.

And this shirt makes all other shirts jealous.

A brief spark of lockout-ending hope arced across the sky this week.  Just as appears to be plummeting back to Earth like a flaming piece of space debris…

Mike Green holds a baby.  My faith in the world is restored.

He must know we’re out here on the raggedy edge.  Short of showing up at my house with a tanker and flooding the backyard into a rink for an all-star charity game, this was pretty much the nicest thing Mike could have done.

The adorable little girl is thinking the same thing we are.

Happy holidays, everyone.  Someone out there still cares.

(Thanks as always to the crack squad of detectives who sent this to us! Amanda & Deb win again, within minutes of each other, in the middle of the night.)

I thought the apocalypse was truly nigh when Tumblr failed to produce a single photo from last night’s Front Page Arlington Sandy charity drinking fest.  Alas, Russian Machine Never Breaks saves the day!

The event featured a bar crawl poker tournament (cool idea, read about it here) and Mike Green.  What more does a girl need?

THIS HAIR.

Photo by Kevin MacDonald via Russian Machine Never Breaks

I don’t know what to say.  It’s somewhere between “I think I love it” and “I had this haircut once, in a tragically ill-advised attempt at a pixie cut.”  Either way I could never get away with that shirt he’s wearing.

There are a few more pictures over at RMNB, who also report that Mike picked up the entire bar tab.  He kinda had to after offering:

Bravo to him, good work by everyone and let’s get this damned lockout ended tomorrow because Mike needs to make some of his money back.

Who cares what day it is when there’s nothing to look forward to?!

Listen, Bettman.  I need hockey.  Not just for the skating, shooting, scoring and screaming.  I need a pre-game skate at the Verizon Center bumping “I Get a Good Feeling” and this man with no helmet on while I cling to a Dunkin’ Donuts ice tea and try not to faint into someone’s expensive rinkside seat.

I cannot even even wait till Monday.  Mike Green has honest-to-God hockey hair and I need to see it IRL.

Honestly, Mike could not be less my type of guy (except for the Canadian and hockey parts).  Tattos and long hair and hipsters?  Bring ‘em on!  This Dorothy will never surrender.  If he wants to live in these woods with no iron for his shirt, that’s fine. I hate ironing.  Also skinny jeans have EXTRA small pockets, an excellent showcase for hand tattoos.

This holiday season, I’m thankful for Foxy Fridays, and friends who send me the same MG52 photo within minutes of each other in the middle of the freaking night.  Amanda & Deb, I hope Santa is good to you this year.