What's Up, Ya Sieve

The NHL wants to make up for the lockout, draw casual fans back into hockey and perhaps attract some new ones in a less turbulent year, because we’re still really mad at them.  Right?

Not now, girls.

 Er, we may be feeling warmer and fuzzier and playoff-ier…

Seriously!  Hold it together.

Then someone says:

from NBC Chicago

OKAY, WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!

So much for being cool.

He should’ve known better.

Five outdoor games have been announced for next season, including Penguins/Blackhawks at Soldier Field, Chicago on March 1, 2014.

Also known as:

Or was it…

The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.

Whatever they call it, we’re going.  You’re invited.  Get started now.

 Don’t forget to pack your:

Because this trip is:

Apparently this is all still being finalized.  Good luck with that, because you already yelled fire in a crowded room.

You may recall I once insisted Bauer was falsely advertising their “base layer” collection by featuring all hockey players and no underwear.

They didn’t quite hear me, but they may have understood some of my International Sign language.

That’s right.  My hair-tossing and reasonable facsimile of the Kid N’ Play dance meant please do this:

What’s that?  I’m a nuclear physicist and you need to record my voice to bypass security a break into a missle silo?

You’d better hope the passcode is a bunch of four-letter words and gasping.

Of course, an agent always gets his girl.  And his girl ends up dead, covered in gold and rolled in a hammock in Antigua.

Eh, probably worth it.

There was never a shortage of Bond girls or bad jokes.  Get it – Bauer VAPOR?  Because these were all shot with the humidifier set to stun?  And all my powder compacts are really remote detonators and lock picking sets.

Better hurry up, the shiny villain-type is coming.

Then the money(penny) shot.   They’re thinking: JAMES BOND.

I’m thinking: BOYBAND.

Worked Westlife into a post, complete with Bry(i)an.  Maybe I am a physicist.

Closer, Bauer.  You’re getting closer.  No pressure, but when other athletes model… well, I’m not even sure what they’re selling, but I’ll buy it.

Maybe that’s what happens on 4.18 when…

Celebrate with this ridiculous goal Patrick Kane scored in the Hawks 8-1 win against the Dallas Stars last night.

Are you kidding me?!  You know somewhere in Siberia, Peggy’s pissed he didn’t ask Kaner how he scores from the right side.

The surefire way to break a streak is for me to post about it, so apologies in advance to the Sharks and/or Blackhawks.  Blame NHL.com, they did it first.

The San Jose Sharks are 6-0.  Surprised?  So is Patrick Marleau.

HA!  Actually, Patty always looks that way.

But we are impressed.  Nine goals in six games for the former Foxy Friday.  Last year he scored 30 times in 82 games – this year he’s on pace for 72 in 48.

Also putting up big numbers for San Jose are Jumbo Joe (Thornton) and Little Joe (Pavelski).  Last night, the Sharks struggled through two periods and it took a late goal by Rookie of My Life Logan Couture to tie Anaheim.  Marleau was held goal-less for the first time this year.  But in the shootout…

Six straight wins is the best in Sharks franchise history.  Recently the Penguins announcers were discussing whether 33-year old NHL players should be considered “aging veterans.”

What do you think, Marleau and Thornton (and Pants and Chuck)?  Anyone older care to chime in?

San Jose has given up only 10 goals against, second only to the Devils (9, try calling Brodeur old).  They play tomorrow night vs. Edmonton.

The Chicago Blackhawks are 6-0 too.

Stats, stats, stats, sweaty Viktor Stalberg blinking magnificently…

Sorry, lost my train of thought there. [Video]

The Hawks have won a number of tight contests, including two one-goal games and two OTs.  Six wins is also a franchise-best for this 85-year old team.

We talked about PKane’s hot start, but Chicago’s getting solid output from all their top players – Kane, Hossa, Sharp and Toews lead the team in points.

Wayne Gretzky said, “You build a pretty good hockey team around Kane and Toews and Hossa, and right now they’re hitting on all cylinders, they’re going to be a tough team to beat.” [Video]

They play tonight vs. Minnesota in a game the NHL Network would have you believe is a big time rivalry.  Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.

Hey @linzerellak & @jfrancesw, what do you think of the Hawks start?  

Okay, I kinda get it.  But what is THIS about?!

When it comes to the Blackhawks, it’s not easy to be the prettiest anything.

You’re well-dressed… till Patrick Sharp walks by.  Feeling reliably heroic… then you see Jonathan Toews.  Rugged?  Try Viktor Stalberg.  Good hair day? Ruined by Brent Seabrook.  You can’t even walk a dog without being upstaged by Duncan Keith and forget being adorable with Joey the Junior Reporter around.

But if you’re Patrick Kane, you can still have the prettiest pass in town.

No-look, cross-ice backhand to the wide-open top scorer for the OT winner? Stunned.  The Stars commentators are stunned.

Time for Jess’ favorite thing: a Patrick Kane Flying Hug.

The Hawks are off to a 4-0 running start, led by Kane’s 7 points.  I know it’s only 4 games, but PK’s play demonstrates what teams were hoping (praying) to see from guys who went overseas during the lockout.  No rust.  Solid conditioning.  Sharp passing, good rhythm and raising the play of everyone else on the ice.

Check out this 3-on-nobody the other night.  Goalies wake up sweating in the middle of the night thinking about things like this:

Cue another Patrick Kane Flying Hug.

At their home opener, the Hawks did one of those red carpet player entrances. These events apparently don’t require approval by the US Occupational Health and Safety Administration.  Tell me the velvet rope creates a safe distance here:

Patrick Kane, feeling like a boss until…

Patrick Sharp, Life Ruiner arrives.  Only to be outdone by:

Check out this sneaky beauty of a Stalberg goal.

Do you think Jamal Mayers…

… and Dave Bolland were mad they wore the same suit, like Kelly & Brenda at the original 90210 prom?

In the end, it doesn’t matter.  It never does.  Everyone’s strutting their stuff, feeling the love until this jerk swaggers in.

He doesn’t even try.

And he doesn’t stop.

Until it’s back to the ice, where someone else might stand a chance.

.gif by michaeldelzotto.tumblr.com

Patrick Kane likes to party.  In other news, Tyler Seguin is hot.  When two things so obvious to the world collide, it can only end in Bromaggedon.

First, it was just casual hanging out.  Maybe a Tuesday night happy hour, catch a movie in English with both French and German subtitles that cover half the screen (actual Swiss moviegoing experience).

It was nothing to break up a long-term relationship over.  Everyone knows Seguin never calls before the three day mark anyway.

Then hockey started:

And it was like magic.

ACTUAL magic.

Suddenly, Patrick and Tyler are Lockout Life Partners.

There are date nights involving sawdust and shorts.  Just two guys in matching outfits learning how to wrestle.  It’s perfectly normal.

We all knew that Kaner & Seguin vs. the World was going to be something special.  But did we ever think it would be true love?

Don’t hate the player, hate the lockout.

So it’s no surprise that at the end of a night, from the bottom of a bottle and again in matching shirts, it all came down to this.

Poppin’ buttons, er… bottles.

Go ahead and scroll back up.  Zoom in even.  Somewhere in North America, Toews is doing the same thing while polishing his death stare for the next NHLPA meeting.

In fact, Tazer’s on an Interpol watch list now as a potential threat for an international incident.  P & T are rubbing it in his face, Tweeting and Instagramming and actually playing hockey together.  Jonathan’s been dumped with #nofilter in that awful last-call moment when they turn on all the lights.

Whoever’s hip you’re grabbing at that time of night…

New shoes, plaid shirts, no problems.

Maybe Toews will rebound with a new BFF, someone on this side of the pond, to show ‘em all Kaner’s not the only one who can play the field.  Take a few steps up the 1-to-10 scale himself.  Got anyone in mind, Jon?

At least they could borrow each other’s jeans.

PKane better be careful when he comes home, because what happens in Switzerland is getting us all through this lockout.

Maybe we could just move there?  If this is what they get a guy for his birthday, imagine what they’d have for us.

Oops, not that one…

WE MEANT THIS, YOU GUYS.

It’s hard to be the man, Patrick.  HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

If you got 21 seconds with Jonathan Toews, is this how you would spend it?

I used to be a ski racer.  I can have someone out of that much gear with time left over for hot chocolate.

Bauer hired Toews, Kane, all the Staals (sorry Jared) AND Giroux to star in their new “base layer” (read: underwear) commercials.  If we’d been aware of this…

And you’ll wish we had.  WHAT A WASTE!  Don’t they know we’re in a lockout?  We don’t get to see any fighting or yelling or 24/7, no “Gabe: Prom?” signs or bromances or sweating.  It’s a hockey recession and this is like burning perfectly attractive money.

This one’s funny though.

I can’t always tell the Staaaaaaaaals apart without golden wings and Intern Jeff Skinner hanging around.

I’m not convinced the picture of underwear at the end has anything to do with it.  Are there laws against false advertising?

Kaner and his shirt off go together like shits & giggles, but we get this:

The biggest waste of them all?  He didn’t wear a shirt all summer and there’s no beer pong in sight.

If the lockout doesn’t get sorted soon, I suggest the NHLPA hire us as their PR department.  We’ll go all off out and put those #theplayers approval ratings through the roof.

Thanks, as always, to our girls:

PS: You know it’s a good day when you can use a Ke$ha lyric in a post.

While the East Coast was stockpiling batteries and Twizzlers on Friday in anticipation of Frankenstormpocalypse, the Chicago Blackhawks and friends were playing in the Champs for Charity hockey game.

Photos from the Chicago Tribune

 They look as happy as I feel, and I wasn’t even there!  All it takes is a little hockey.  Even Jon is giddy – you know that means desperate times.  Troy Brouwer doesn’t know if he should trust this new Jon, who looks ready to faint in a princess swoon when the Disney logo comes on screen.

You can read here all about the good times, including goalie penalty shots, mock fights, even a plaid suit.  There were choreographed goal celebrations!  Chuck and I love nothing more than a good dance routine (cue She’s All That)!

Cubs/Coach Ryan Dempster with the Ice Crew- photo Elliot Harris

Among the players in attendance were these guys, along with Bobby Ryan, Shawn Thornton, JStaal and many more smiles.

Loads of photos to make you wish for an alternate, non-lockout universe:

Hockey Broad

Art by Melissa G

Bonus - Ronald McDonald House press conference:

Blackhawks, past and present, being flawless.

Guest post time!  (And Pants fixed her broken photos, sorry.)

Hi, I’m Jess! You may remember me from such WUYS guest appearances such as Up Close and Personal and Our Friends Party With the NHL. Pants and Chuck have once again let me take over their blog so that I can drop a little ‘Hawks fandom on y’all.

My latest mission? The Fifth Annual Blackhawks Convention!

If you haven’t been to Chicago, go. Now. I’ll wait… Did you LOVE it? Amazing, no?  It is stunning and I cannot wait to go back/move there one day.

Friend of the blog, fellow Blackhawks fan, Virginia-native and all around spectacular human being Carter was already going to be there as, by happy accident, the Convention fell on the same weekend as the half-marathon she was running (!). I BEGGED her to hook me up with an extra pass, even though I live nowhere near Chicago (It’s 691 hour walk. Thanks Google Maps!) and wasn’t sure I could make it. A last minute seat sale and a terrifying Hotwire gamble meant I was on my way to the great state of Illinois.

Carter and I, as featured on the Chicago SunTimes website.  Not wearing Blackhawks gear = ultimate party foul. #guiltyascharged

Now, it is well documented than I suffer from a severe case of Jonathan Toews-induced catatonia and therefore my memories of the weekend are a little bit fuzzy. I was really hoping that the Blackhawks would have posted the whole thing on their website so I could do this thing Mystery Science Theater 3000-styles, but I will try my best…

Disclaimer: People on the interwebs had way better cameras than I did. I borrowed a few, but I highly recommend trolling Tumblr…

Day 1

The Opening Ceremonies were kinda like boarding an airplane. It took forever to get everyone in their places, there was a brief message from The Captain, followed by a video that no one really paid attention to. But then, THEN, as the room was emptying, Toews came out to do an interview in the press area that was RIGHT BESIDE ME:

Captain Deltoids

As he was leaving, he walked past and shook a few hands. Instead of extending my hand like a normal person, I put my hands behind my back because I was afraid this would happen:

He was ushered off by his NSYNC-circa-2001 security entourage, but not before he said “Sorry guys, I gotta go!” His voice directly touched my ears. Did I say ears? I meant SOUL.

Friday night was “Second City” comedy/awkwardness hour, scene of the infamous Shawlberg strip-tease. They can Magic Mike all they want, but Tina Fey and Amy Poehler they are not. Personally, my highlight of the evening was Patrick Kane saying that he woke up that morning next to a beautiful woman and Carter’s hilarious NSFW commentary.

Day 2

There were memorabilia auctions, activities for kids and several rooms set up for Q&A’s. Personally, I parked my ass in the International Ballroom ALL day. The first must-see panel was “The Olympic Ideal”. Patrick Kane rolled in wearing the same clothes as the night before. Oh PKane, never change. There was a lot of “Blah blah, it’s an honour to play for one’s country,” but I do not remember anything that was said after Jonathan Toews spoke because he had sexy, husky morning voice and GURRRL HE LOOKS LIKE SUPERMAN:

Captain More-Powerful-Than-A-Locomotive

Next up was the “Behind the Scenes with Blackhawks TV” panel wherein my Life Hero Patrick Dahl, Director of Advertising and Game Presentation, revealed that he has ample blackmail footage of Jonathan Toews in his underwear (the use of “ample” was not an intentional pun.) The panel also included humiliating out-takes of their already humiliating BHTV featurettes which can be seen here and here. The fake moustache has scarred me, as the kids say, 5-evah.

Captain Bashful

Speaking of humiliating, during the Q&A a crazy fangirl tearfully sang a version of “Call Me Maybe” to “Jonny” asking him to sign her jersey. Let me tell you, Carter and I would have taken gold in Synchronized Cringing, Pairs, Long Program. The fontrum was palpable.

But I’ll allow it because we were treated to this:

The last panel was “Generations of Captains” where Jon put on his big boy clothes to sit at the grown-up’s table. This was actually my favourite panel because Stan Mikita is everyone’s hilarious grandpa and I have never seen Toews laugh so hard. Like, literally head down, pounding the table hysterical laughter. It was joy.

Captain Judging-You (Thanks Veronica for the amazing photo!)

I really did try to get his autograph! I’m working on it you guys, 5th time will be a charm…

Captain Sport-Coat-No-Tie

Day 3

At the risk of facing WUYS army court-martial, I failed to get Viktor Stalberg’s autograph. Let me explain. No, there is no time. Let me sum up. The convention employed an elaborate system of wrist bands and scratch-and-wins for pictures and autographs, and I am blessed with neither patience nor luck, respectively. There was a somewhat entertaining panel about social media in which I decided I want Jimmy Hayes to be my boyfriend, but other than that, it was pretty low-key and all was said and done by 1PM.

Hmm… what else?

• Brent Seabrook is the ULTIMATE troll. His sarcastic slow-clap is amazing. I want to hang with him.
• Patrick Sharp, like Barney Stinson, is INCAPABLE of taking a bad picture. He may never actually blink.

PATRICK SHARP. YOUR FACE.

Best Q&As

• Fan to Toews: “Are you gonna do a no-haircut season like Stamkos?”
• Toews: “I dunno. It gets out of control pretty fast.”
• Sharp: “Well, he’s not gonna have that hair much longer, so he better enjoy it.”

• Fan to Sharp and Mayers: “Is it hard leaving your family during road trips?”
• Andrew Shaw: “Yeah, it’s real tough leaving the kids.”
• Dan Carcillo: “Especially when you don’t know where they are.”

•  A mom, to Kane: “Can you tell my son that getting up at 4AM for practice is normal.”
• Kane: “I was doing something at 4AM, but it wasn’t playing hockey.”

I know this was overly Toews-centric (sorry I’m not sorry) and I’m forgetting a bunch of stuff (I barely discussed Patrick Kane and his forearms!), but I don’t want to overstay my welcome. And one should keep some of one’s anecdotes secret, as one does not want to be a dreadful bore at cocktail parties.

Thanks again Pants and Chuck! You ladies are the absolute best and I adore you. XOXO.

We obviously adore you too, Jess.  And since you mentioned Kaner’s off-season arms project…

Oh, okay. One more smile.

Follow Jess for endless hilarity, and that time she took a photo of Stamkos & Skinner together just for Pants - @jfrancesw.

ACK! Chuck and I have been so busy at our real jobs that we’re late in posting some of the very best stuff I’ve ever seen from a hockey summer.  Let’s start with the most important thing.

I posted a photo of this, but that is not even close to the proper pedestal on which it should be elevated in the WUYS Hall of Fame:

Foxy Friday x Infinity

Between hiccups of hysterical laughter, I was thinking:

Patrick Kane looks frighteningly attractive here, in yet another all-American polo shirt.  Dan Carcillo has the same haircut as a ragamuffin orphan in a Disney live-action musical.  Which is to say no haircut at all.

Team Tightpants on the other side of the stage… well, there’s no question why the girl comedian got that squad.

It takes her LESS THAN TWO MINUTES to make this happen:

Did you get all of that?

(.gifs by ladds.tumblr.com)

Look at her.  She can’t believe that worked!  Her equilibrium is shot – she’ll stumble every time she hears the word “Superman” for the rest of her life.

We were three buttons from a Magic Mike Tribute.  She’s a hero.

While you technically cannot repeat as a Foxy Friday, we do recounts for stunts like this.  Get that message out to everyone already featured.  We accept bribes of the brawny variety.

These pictures are from all over the place.  If they’re yours, we’d love to hug/credit you!  More photo fun shortly – I have to at these pretend I’m working today.