What's Up, Ya Sieve

Honestly, sometimes the jokes write themselves.

I was going to talk about Danny Briere’s concussion and No Trade Clause, but I typed “No Trade Claude.”  Why yes, that’s exactly what I meant.

It’s April, the Flyers are last in the Atlantic and I… won’t say anything mean.  I still don’t like them and that’s all.

However, as you know, my traitorous heart does love Danny Briere.  It’s beyond reason.  Out since suffering a concussion in practice on March 23, Danny was back on the ice with the team yesterday.  He could play as soon as Saturday vs. Buffalo. [link]

Danny talks about his injury and the process of returning here.

Stop it, stop being perfect.

Now, why do I even mention this?

1) Concussions can go to hell.  For any player on any team… just the word turns my stomach.

2) I have a not-so-secret wish for the Flyers to make the playoffs and face Pittsburgh in the first round.  I shouldn’t play with fire, but I’d love see the Pens redeem themselves for last year’s debacle.

3) Will Danny get traded to somewhere I can love him openly?

MOST IMPORTANT.  There has been a lot of talk about Briere’s future with the Flyers.  His contract is $6.5 million with two years left (Update: WRONG. Read comment below from KC!).  Last season, Danny was way off his goal-scoring pace, despite personally terrorizing me during the playoffs.  (Seriously – Briere got 16 G in 70 games all year, then 8 G in 11 games during the playoffs.)  He’s also 35, which is NOT old because we are NOT old but we’re almost that old.  In a few years.

Rumors flew that multiple teams were interested in acquiring Briere before the trade deadline, but Danny said publicly he would not waive his No Trade Claude Clause (UPDATE: It’s a No Movement Claude, which means no AHL either. Thanks Jess.).  The man loves Jersey, okay?  His adorakids go to school there, Gingeroux is there, it’s precious.  There was speculation the Flyers might try to push him [link].   If there were ever a viable window to acquire value in exchange for Briere… it passed when he got hurt.

He traded one problem for another.

Now the best/worst solution is for Danny to come back and play well.  He could still help the Flyers make the playoffs.  At the same time, it may prove his viability to other teams.  The better he looks, the more they’ll offer and the harder Philly might lean on him to accept.  Late career trades and waived NTCs are the new dance crazes, don’t you know?

There is also the new CBA’s Amnesty Clause, which the Flyers could use to buy out Danny’s contract this summer.  He’d still get $6.5 mil/year, but the Flyers would free up that amount under their salary cap. [link, link]  They’ d rather have something to show that money, but at least the Amnesty Clause would let them spend it twice.

I don’t know what to feel.

Does anyone know: If the Flyers buy out Briere under the Amnesty Clause, does he become a UFA (like with a regular buyout)?  Could he get $6.5 mill/year AND play somewhere else?  If that’s true, I wouldn’t waive my NTC either. I’d make the Flyers play me or pay me, because I know I can get paid to play somewhere else when it’s over.

(Best we can figure, he’d get 2/3 of $5 million.  See below.)

That’s crazy.

Now we’re past the trade deadline, and Danny is still a Flyer.  If he storms the playoffs again, maybe he convinces the Flyers not to use the Amnesty Clause.  He could scrape into next season and get another crack at… what?  Being worth $6.5 million?  It seems unlikely.  The Flyers need that money and they need it this summer, when teams are more willing to negotiate.

Of course, this Flyers’ summer might be only 10 games away.  Philly fans have had a rough year – we know a few, and like them anyway.  Lord knows we’ve all been there.  So here’s Captain Claude saying nice things about them in perhaps the most orange environment even caught on film.

If Danny gets a buyout or waives his NTC, I promise you a very Persuasive Power Point Presentation on why he should come to one of my teams, co-written by @linzerellak (as suggested by @alisonsykora).

Last night, my hockey/lumberjack boyfriend scored his 300th NHL goal.

Rick Nash was all…

And I was all…

Then Rick Nash scored his 301st career goal.

He was all…

And I was all…

Flyers did managed to score two goals – including one that one off of Jake Voracek’s face – but alas it was not enough.

As expected, Nashty got the Broadway Hat.  Just me or is that hat looking a little worse for wear?

Also, I LOVE the way he always just glances back at the camera as if to say “Hey Chuck.  I see you there.” His eyes stare into my soul.

In other game notes…

• John Tortorella is a winner.  Not only did he get his 400th NHL win but he also re-energized the Rangers’ offence with a little Cupid Shuffle.  Torts moved Derek Stepan in center with Nash and Ryan Gosling Carl Hagelin on the wings.  The result? Four of the five Rangers goals.
• Nash might have got the milestone goal but Stepan was by far the Rangers’ best player on the ice.  He was everywhere and all up in the game like Pooh up in the honey pot.
• Inigo better get it together.  And soon.  Judging from the in-game interview that Tortorella gave during the 2nd period, I get the distinct feeling that the Fonz is not particularly pleased with the way that Brian Boyle has been playing.  Then they cut to Boyle looking all sad panda on the bench. Could a healthy scratch be coming soon?
• Taylor Pyatt is still foxy.

• Wayne Simmons is one tough BAMF.  Not only did he take a puck to face earlier in the game that required stitches, but then in the 3rd, he got clipped AGAIN in the face by Brian Boyle’s errant stick.  Wayne Simmons was all….

At 16-13-3, the Rangers have 35 points, but are still languishing toward the bottom of the Eastern Conference (two points ahead of the ninth-place New York Islanders.)  Perhaps these new line combinations will reinvigorate the streaky Rangers’ offense. The Rangers will visit the Ottawa Senators on Thursday.

For the Flyers, the outlook looks bleak.  The loss, combined with the Tampa Bay Lightning’s 2-0 win against the Buffalo Sabres, dropped the Flyers (13-17-2) into 14th place in the East. With Briere out with a concussion and Bryzgalov’s inconsistency, the malaise that has plagued the Flyers all season does not look to be going away any time soon. The Flyers host the Islanders, Boston Bruins and Washington Capitals later this week.

Time for my daily existential Danny Briere-related crisis.

The Caps are so frustratingly bad right now that I swore I would not go tonight’s game.  Despite taking 8 penalties in the first 34 minutes of last night’s match vs. Toronto, they managed to drag a one goal lead into the third period… and still blew it.  The postmortem is here - you’ve been warned.

So I’m boycotting.  Save money, right?  Make sound financial decisions while being warm and well fed in the comfort of my own home?

Trouble is, tonight is against the Flyers.

Pam is right, of course.  I’m so weak!  To make matters worse, the Flyers have conspired against me.

Danny will play on on Claude’s line tonight [link].

Supposedly it’s an attempt to kickstart the Flyers anemic offense, which is averaging just 2 goals per game and currently ranked 26th overall.  Last year’s leading goal scorer Scott Hartnell is out 4-6 weeks with a broken foot.  No Philly player has over 5 total points.  They’re 2-5 on the year.

Okay, it’s bad.  But it’s still just a cover story to make this possible…

… and to make sure I have to go.  What does Claude think of this?

.gif by firedupflyeredup.tumblr.com

It’s Date Night in DC.  [Giroux interview - Briere interview]

The trouble is that I don’t want the Flyers hugging!  Not against the Caps, not against anyone – except the Rangers, and then I feel a general, tidal sort of rage that could swamp anyone in it’s path.

I don’t want to see a ‘strolling across your devastated defense’ arm-in-arm…

Or a ‘nice try, Jeff Schultz’ fist-bump…

Nothing.  Not even reenacting this best gif ever:

Can the Caps get it together?  Neuvirth was the one bright spot last night – he stopped a few beauties, kept his team in the game.  Perhaps it’s the right recipe: the Caps biggest strength in goal vs. the Flyers biggest weakness on offense.

At 1-5-1 on the season, the Caps need something to go right.  Tonight kicks off a 3-game home stand that includes the Penguins on Sunday (whoop!) and a rematch with Toronto.  Tonight could be the night.

That’s what I’ll be telling myself later, from the Flyers side of the pre-game skate.

One might have assumed my lockout-induced honeymoon period would last longer than four days.

WRONG.

Greetings from the StruggleBus.  Last night’s Capitals home opener looked a lot like their season opener in Tampa Bay.  As in: I reminded myself that the upside to losing is ticket prices stay low.

The Caps are not, by any means, the only team aboard this bus.  They are not even surprising.  Very early in this abbreviated season, the Flyers are having a breakdown as well.

Philly has a league high -8 overall goal deficit.  Their goaltending problem is a problem, but not if they can’t score.

The Rangers also bought a ticket for this ride.  They’re 0-2, gave up 6 goals to the Penguins and pulled Lundqvist in the 2nd period.  Tonight they rematch against Boston, who beat them 3-1 in the first game of the year.

People expect a lot from Philly and NY – rightfully so.  What about Carolina?

The Hurricanes have scored 2 goals, while giving up 9.  That is not the #11 we were hoping for down south.

It’s too soon to panic, right?  Teams are just shaking off the rust, getting their legs underneath them.  We hope.  The Caps issues last night were reminiscent of last season – bad outlet passes, no one in front of the net, sloppy entering the offensive zone – but magnified.  They’re operating under a new coach and a new system, with new guys on the ice.

Well, not all new guys.

Matt Henricks vs. The World went 3 rounds last night – 2 fights and 1 goal.

But some.  The Caps called up Tomas Kundratek on Monday to replace Jack Hillen, injured in the first game.

HELLO.  Also, how did you get on the ice when I’ve never heard of you?  Originally a Rangers prospect and most recently of the Hershey Bears, Tomas played 5 games for the Caps in 2011-2012… while I as on my actual honeymoon.  That explains it.  No one aces every class in the first week of school.

Out west, the Kings, Flames and Coyotes are all winless thus far.

Derping to Donuts

No one wants to raise the banner and get spanked, but it happened in LA.  The Kings had real goal-scoring issues all of last regular season, and have just three on this one.  The Coyotes have scored 7 and still lost both games.

I wouldn’t make it long as a Caps fan if I got down about every few bad games.  What about you other fans?  Are these growing pains, or symptoms of a larger illness?  The Rangers and Flyers aren’t in danger of losing butts in seats over a shaky start.  The Kings can ride the Cup train for a bit.  Calgary will obviously be fine even if they’re bad.  The Coyotes obviously won’t even if they’re great.  The Caps weren’t full last night, and tickets for tomorrow start at $23 on StubHub.  Those are middle-of-the-season, ennui-and-frustration prices.

Not what we want to see squashed on the windshield of our shiny new season.

I’m swamped today, but there’s always time for this!

Claude Giroux named Captain of the Flyers

Of course, you know that already [Press Release].  Personally I would have gone with Briere (shocking).  Can our Flyer fan friends weigh on Claude’s locker room leadership type?  It’s certainly good marketing sense to make your highest profile player captain – see Crosby, Toews, Landeskog.

I hope someone pranks him by putting a G on his jersey Saturday.  G for Giroux and C for Crosby… this is going to be The Perfect Game.

Here’s The Ginge with his short hair covered by a hat.  What do we think?

More importantly, what is this girl thinking?

Yup, same thing we are.  She even gets a question in… complete with the half blush/smile that G would earn from anyone with two X chromosomes. [video]

This girl rules.  Smart, hockey oriented, not impervious to masculinity.  We want to be friends with her.  She can keep us informed on Claude and the Flyers while we spend the whole time mumbling curses and boiling bats wings in the office basement.

Update: You guys are quick.  That is Sarah Baicker, who covers the Flyers for Comcast Sportsnet.  You can follow her at @sbaickerCSN.  We suggest you do.

Until Saturday, capitaine…

Oh, you read all the way to the bottom and thought I might not mention Jordan Eberle!  Mwahahaha.  I got my Ebs shirt in the mail yesterday… and Ebs got the A in Edmonton.  He’ll be the Oilers full-time alternate captain, while Taylor Hall and Nick Schultz share the other one.  [Interview Video]

That’s my boy! #TeamEbs 

You #TeamHall folks can submit a question here, for Taylor’s “Ask an Oiler” feature tomorrow.  Someone ask for his all-time clumsiest moment, it must be a whopper.

This is a few days old, but the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.

It doesn’t hurt if you’ve got a smile like Flower’s, either.

Also doing good work for the holidays – the Blackhawks, helping the Greater Chicago Food Depository [link].

Jon’s getting way too much hand-in-pocket there, I think he needs smaller jeans (paging James Neal!).  Or more squats.

.gif by @jobiegirl6

Can we get that for Christmas, Tazer?

The best charity event so far?  Scott Hartnell beat James van Riemsdyk to raise money for Hurricane Sandy relief [link].  Hartnell raised $22k to JvR’s $18k… so JvR went shopping today at the Mall of America, in full hockey gear.

When there’s no hockey on, it’s hard to dislike the Flyers (and former Flyers).

The NHLPA Goals & Dreams Fund and RBC Play Hockey program have their charity game tonight in Toronto.  Alison will be there taking photos for us and trying not to get arrested.

If team Stamkos/Neal isn’t enough, Steven said in an interview this week: ”Hopefully we get back because I’m getting too big in the gym working with Gary [Roberts].’” [link]

And I was said:

by toewslake.tumblr.com

If you see a great hockey-related holiday story, send it to us!  Since I can’t just check team websites, there are surely a lot I’m missing.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ewan McGregor.

Nope.  Claude Giroux, how dare you cut your glorious, unruly mop of hair?  And honestly, how small is your waist?!

But really.

It’s not exactly the right style, but I burst into a chorus of Weezer’s “Buddy Holly” when I first saw these pictures.  This hair is made for 50′s buttoned-up Brylcreem perfection.

It doesn’t really mess well, and if you wear a helmet all the time… well, we’ll see.  Euro styling is having the opposite effect on Seguin and I think we prefer it.

Still, ginger is ginger.

with Hunter Hayes

But more ginger is better.

And G’s is the best.

Sigh.  My world is practically ginger-free without hockey and that is a sad, monochromatic thing.  I think I’ll watch Brave for inspiration.

(Thanks to everyone who sent us these.  This lockout has not slowed your internet sleuthing.)

Max Talbot will be the hero of this lockout. Flyer or not, we cannot live with him in this terrible time.

Hold on, I can’t stop laughing.

Max is one commercial away from being the Old Spice guy at this point.  Sexy as all get out, no shame and knows that women love a guy with a sense of humor.  Clearly his friends are in love with him – listen to them in the background.

You are powerless to resist.

Also, archery is hot.  Katniss and Brave aside, Disney’s Robin Hood with the foxes is one of my all-time favorite movies.  I even took archery lessons, and Max is good.  Really good.  The jug of water is close range but to hit something small and moving?  Maybe they did twenty takes, or just got really, really lucky.

Be honest, you’re thinking about getting really lucky too.

Shot through the heart.

Max doesn’t crack a smile in this or the one-finger push-up workout video.  Deadpan reaction shots kill me!  I’m crying/laughing while my brain sings “Every Thing I (I Do It For You).”  Thanks to Talbo for 52 seconds of forgetting the lockout.  When is Giroux going to make a guest-appearance in one of these gems?  Maybe they make plates at Color Me Mine or try gator wrestling?

For further lockout distraction homework, I suggest the BBC Robin Hood series from a few years back.  You will not be disappointed (and you can borrow my DVDs).  Just like real life –  where I should hate the Flyers bad guys by definition – I am so Team Gisbourne/Allan that it confuses and frightens me.

And there is archery.  See?  Happens every day.

Thanks to everyone who sent this to us – Melissa (@M_Gagermeier), Macy (@WestSideZag), Deb (@DLF1021) and Amanda (@amandalitty).  What are you guys, on Max’s mailing list?

Lockout, Day 11: Anger Management 

Since I have nothing better to do than troll the internet while self-medicating with Taylor Swift songs, I’ve found a few gems.  The kind that make you smile and cry at the same time.

Bleacher Report: 50 Storylines the NHL Lockout is Making Us Miss

It took me a few tries to get through the whole list, I was getting so upset.  Is/Was this the year that Ebs-Hall-RNH and the Oilers get that turnaround?  Is there something uglier than Nashville’s third jersey waiting for us?  How about Movember – WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN?!  Then this:

Can we get a close-up?

Grilled Cheese vs. PB&J

Aaaggghhhwellllp.  That is so hot.  I had almost forgotten that I ship this hatred as much as any bromance in the League.  Just NOT THE FACE, okay?  Don’t mess up my view from this side of the glass.

Not that I’ve forgotten how morning-after, walk-of-shame bad it looked for the Pens at the end of last season.  Or the fact that Giroux was so scary good he should have at least been nominated for the Hart Trophy.  That is some blasphemy coming from a Pens fan who is also completely fanflail over Stamkos.  But it’s true!  I hate him, I hate him, he’s amazing.  GAH!

Giroux making Sid’s android emotion chip short circuit always reminds me of:

How’s the wrist holding up?

The best part of this?  It’s not going anywhere.  No matter how long it takes to get back to hockey, these two will still hate each other.  It’ll even get better, since Sid will be back in full force and full-time (however long that is).  Bonus for me: concentrating on the Pens/Flyers rivalry eases my traitorous heartache about loving the Capitals at the same time.  Slut.

So in these dark days, hold on to the fact that life will be this:

vs. this again someday.

Dear Universe, Please Hurry. Love, Pants (#teamcrosby)

Lord.  The Flyers signed Shea Weber to a $110 million, 14-year offer sheet.  I’ve only been awake for four hours and I’m already sick of this.

In non-140 character speak, he has accepted their offer to be paid like this:

The Predators have seven days to match the offer.  If they don’t, they’ll get 4 first-round draft picks from the Flyers.

Holy cow, people.  First off, the Preds went to arbitration last season because they didn’t want to pay Weber $7+ million for 3 years.  Too bad, he was awarded $7.5 million for 2011-12.  This $110/million deal averages to $7.86 million a year.  Weber will be 27 when the season starts and before he turns 33, over 72% of the contract will have been paid out.  Astronomical numbers, but the average and the front-loading sound like pretty good deals.  In 7-10 years from now, $6 million/year will probably be peanuts compared to what the kids are getting paid.  After that $13 million/year bonus disappears in 4 years, Weber becomes even more attractive trade bait.

More attractive than this?

 My head hurts.

Bonuses count against the salary cap.  The Preds have room under their cap for a deal like this.  Here’s the best part: it’s front-loaded to discourage the Predators from signing because… Weber will earn $27 million in the first *calendar* year of this deal.  WTF, how is that possible? [link]  Here’s how:

If they match, the Preds would have him for 14 years.  But does Weber want to stay in NSH?  Arbitration last summer, would have been UFA next summer, and now this.  Is Shea sick of waiting for a deal, or trying to jump ship?

And if the Preds match, they have to keep Weber for one season before trying to trade.  That one season will cost them $27 million.  Unhappy player vs a shit-ton of money?  I’d give anything to know what Weber’s feeling on Nashville really is.

Bigger meets BetterFasterMore.

The really important part of this conversation is: STAY OUT OF THE EASTERN CONFERENCE, SHEA WEBER.

This is my nightmare.  Shea Weber as a Flyer.  Ice crews trained to squeegee my favorite players’ faces/blood/talent off the glass in arenas up and down the eastern seaboard.  Watching every game through my fingers.  Knowing Sid is out there six games against this guy, instead of one.  Or Nicky B.  Anyone.  Oh God.

Sorry, Blackhawks.  Keep your heads up out there.

And now, back to your regularly scheduled day of watching Twitter so see what happens next.  I don’t know if this post even makes sense after so many numbers.