What's Up, Ya Sieve

One might have assumed my lockout-induced honeymoon period would last longer than four days.

WRONG.

Greetings from the StruggleBus.  Last night’s Capitals home opener looked a lot like their season opener in Tampa Bay.  As in: I reminded myself that the upside to losing is ticket prices stay low.

The Caps are not, by any means, the only team aboard this bus.  They are not even surprising.  Very early in this abbreviated season, the Flyers are having a breakdown as well.

Philly has a league high -8 overall goal deficit.  Their goaltending problem is a problem, but not if they can’t score.

The Rangers also bought a ticket for this ride.  They’re 0-2, gave up 6 goals to the Penguins and pulled Lundqvist in the 2nd period.  Tonight they rematch against Boston, who beat them 3-1 in the first game of the year.

People expect a lot from Philly and NY – rightfully so.  What about Carolina?

The Hurricanes have scored 2 goals, while giving up 9.  That is not the #11 we were hoping for down south.

It’s too soon to panic, right?  Teams are just shaking off the rust, getting their legs underneath them.  We hope.  The Caps issues last night were reminiscent of last season – bad outlet passes, no one in front of the net, sloppy entering the offensive zone – but magnified.  They’re operating under a new coach and a new system, with new guys on the ice.

Well, not all new guys.

Matt Henricks vs. The World went 3 rounds last night – 2 fights and 1 goal.

But some.  The Caps called up Tomas Kundratek on Monday to replace Jack Hillen, injured in the first game.

HELLO.  Also, how did you get on the ice when I’ve never heard of you?  Originally a Rangers prospect and most recently of the Hershey Bears, Tomas played 5 games for the Caps in 2011-2012… while I as on my actual honeymoon.  That explains it.  No one aces every class in the first week of school.

Out west, the Kings, Flames and Coyotes are all winless thus far.

Derping to Donuts

No one wants to raise the banner and get spanked, but it happened in LA.  The Kings had real goal-scoring issues all of last regular season, and have just three on this one.  The Coyotes have scored 7 and still lost both games.

I wouldn’t make it long as a Caps fan if I got down about every few bad games.  What about you other fans?  Are these growing pains, or symptoms of a larger illness?  The Rangers and Flyers aren’t in danger of losing butts in seats over a shaky start.  The Kings can ride the Cup train for a bit.  Calgary will obviously be fine even if they’re bad.  The Coyotes obviously won’t even if they’re great.  The Caps weren’t full last night, and tickets for tomorrow start at $23 on StubHub.  Those are middle-of-the-season, ennui-and-frustration prices.

Not what we want to see squashed on the windshield of our shiny new season.

With the NHL lockout looming over us like that creepy guy at work always looking over your shoulder at your computer, we’re starting to worry.

A large part of our anxiety is that if the NHL does lockout, we will be denied a new shiny batch of Foxy Fridays to choose from.  And that is just not fair.

For this week’s feature, we look at some rookies & top NHL draft picks looking to make it into the esteemed and exclusive Foxy Friday Fraternity.

Nail Yakupov – Edmonton Oilers

The new Russian Machine?

Brady Skjei – New York Rangers

Like this team needs any more reasons to get foxier.  The last name along is worthy.  Also, is it just me, or does he looks suspiciously like Ethan Embry’s little brother?

Henrik Samuelsson – Phoenix Coyotes

Swedish. Again, we say – what is in the water?!!??

Ryan Murray – Columbus Blue Jackets

The departure of Rick Nash has seriously depleted the foxy in Columbus. Enter Ryan Murray to save the day.

Cody Ceci – Ottawa Senators

Hmmmm…shoulders….

Filip Forsberg – Washington Capitals

Seriously, Sweden!  WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR COUNTRY?

Justin Courtnall – Boston Bruins

Those eyes are peering into my soul…and I like it.

Tom Wilson – Washington Capitals

The hair. The face. The hair, again.

Look out, Mike Green.

So, who do you think deserves consideration as a future Foxy Friday? Any other rookies or draft picks you think we should include on this list?

My cats have banned me from the TV. Osiris Jones actually mews at anyone who swears. True Story. And there was a ton of it tonight. I swear like a sailor and many of Mr. Cherrie’s friends think I learned it from him but actually, I taught him pretty much everything he knows. My grandfather worked on the railroad in the Great Depression.

Winner, Winner, Pancake Dinner!

I only wish I had this much time on my hands ….

The win didn’t come without controversy when Brown took out Rozsival with a devastating hit and a penalty wasn’t called because the Coyotes were off-sides. Just after Rozsival was taken off the ice, LA scored and the hand shake line was less than cordial with the classy Coyotes fan throwing crap on to the ice.

Pancake’s interview after the game was self-deprecating referring to Quick as Mr. Vezina-Smyth. He also said that he was going to enjoy this trip to the Stanley Cup more than the last.

Stat Girl has a few things to tease your brain with:

LA KINGS are the first 8th seed EVER to dispatch the 1st, 2nd and 3rd seed teams.

LA KINGS have broken the NHL record with 8 straight road wins in a play-off season.

LA KING have broken the NHL record with 10 straight road wins in consecutive seasons.

So a BIG WUYS congratulation LA KINGS! Here’s to your second trip ever to the Stanley Cup Finals.

As Cartman loves to say: “GO KINGS GO!”

Tonight the Kings will try again to advance to the Stanley Cup Finals.  They’ve lost just two games in three rounds.

The @LAKings Twitter feed is spectacular, full of things only Judge Judy could get away with saying in a courtroom.  I’d just like to remind the Washington Capitals that I’m available for snarky and potentially trouble-making social media commentary.  Will work for hugs.

For the Kings, I feel a single loss in a series is good.  You don’t want to finish too soon and sit around waiting for NYR/NJD to sort itself out.  (Note: This didn’t hurt the Kings after they swept Round Two, but the Coyotes only needed five games to advance.  The Rangers and Devils could go all the way.)

For our Coyotes pals – hey, comebacks happen.  We’ve all prayed for them at one time or another.  I hope the number of $60 tickets available for tonight’s game on Ticketmaster doesn’t mean people are giving up.

Chuck and Dawn are all Team LA.  At this point, I’m really more interested in early-morning walks on the beach in pajamas with puppies.  If he’s got a day off, Mike Richards can come too.

um .. did I say Ugly? nah .. I’d take a ride into the boards with these guys ANY DAY!

LA’s Dennis the Menace

It wasn’t either team’s best game but the Kings still came out on top. Which begs the question: Come Saturday – will the Coyotes bring it or will they be swept and wept?

Kopi’s not ready for summer yet!

The letter “A” is awarded only to the best. Students with the highest scores. Products with the best quality. Restaurants with the cleanest kitchens. We all know Alvin didn’t lead The Chimpmunks just because he had the best dance moves. The very presence of an “A” denotes greatness.

We love (OK, worship) our NHL team captains. But in life, it’s rare that a “C” should outrank an “A.”

To keep the status quo, this week we salute one NHL alternate captain from each remaining playoff team. These men are first in our books — leading by example on and off the ice, above and below the chinstrap.

Here are our top marks for how “A” beard should look.

Check out the rest [HERE]

Matt Greene’s bears. So blond, it glows.

Dawn – you are so funny. Calling me to wish me good luck tonight!

This is what you want from your captain – A COMPLETE BEAST!

The press conference after game one went pretty much like this:

Kopitar NEVER gives up on a puck – NEVER

Tippett: I didn’t give a F**K about Kopitar. I have to worry about my players and how they perform.

Press person: So when Brown did blah blah blah …

Tippett: I don’t give a F**K about Brown. I have to worry about my players and how they perform.

Press Person: So when they scored again in the second period …

Tippett: Maybe you didn’t hear me the second time, I have to don’t give a F**K about the LA KINGS right now, I have to worry about my players and the fact that they didn’t perform tonight. Any more questions? Alright. Thanks.

GO KINGS! KEEP BEING UNDER-RATED  – RIGHT UP UNTIL YOU WIN THE CUP!

MY BOYS! BREAKING BAD!

I forgot it’s Friday!  One night with zero hockey and I lose my mind, people.

Good thing I had already selected this week’s Foxy Friday: Shane Doan.

Things that are foxy:

- Birthdays the day, but not the year, before mine (Libras FTW!)

- Smiling even more than Intern Jeff Skinner

- Wilderness activities

- Eligible for my fantasy hockey team, The Hot Dads

- Still in the playoffs

Captain Coyote and his troops will begin their Western Conference Final series again the LA Kings on Sunday.  This season marks the first time the Coyotes have ever made it past the first round, and now they’re through the second.

Shane grew up in Alberta at his parents’ ranch that was also a Christian summer camp.  Doan debuted with the Winnipeg Jets in 1995, then moved the next year with the team to Phoenix.  He’s been in the desert ever since.

He and his brother were contestants on a Canadian reality TV show called “Mantracker” in April 2011.  They outpaced a professional tracker for 36 hours to win their segment.  I’m sure this is very exciting, but frankly Canada, I am not impressed.  Given the collective foxiness of your citizenry, I suggest something more like Canada’s Next Top Model Winter Athlete Who Does Squats.

Perhaps categories on this show can include wearing suspenders and squatting 200 pounds.  Contestants should also have a sense of humor for things like this:

Late in 2005, Doan was involved in a controversial defamation case against a Canadian Parliamentarian for an alleged on-ice derrogatory comment [link].  He’s been suspended twice (10/10 and 3/12).  This season, he had 50 points and has 6 so far in the playoffs.

I am so happy to see Shane Doan this late in the playoffs.  He’s one of those guys that’s been around forever and this could be his best shot at a Cup before retirement.  Can the Coyotes stop the landslide that is the LA Kings?  Can this beard grow all the way up to his ears?  We’ll find out soon enough.

Included in our Puck Daddy: Playoff Beard Watch this week, because we love it.

Hey Shane, no need to get angry .. you’re moving on in the series but staying in Phoenix! You just won the Lottery!

Ya just can’t mess with the force – dude.

I think there was a grand disturbance in the force when Chewie tapped into the dark side and smashed Hans Solo’s head into the boards in an earlier series and sometimes karmic galactic payback is a bitch.

Chewie will now be able to make it back to Kashyyyk in time to celebrate Life Day.

You shall not move … I command it.

Lord Vader Shanahan needs souls to keep doling out his brand of justice

So now the Conference Finals are set for the West Coast – Phoenix vs. LA Kings.

At Ginny’s Little Longhorn Saloon in Austin, TX, every Sunday night they play Chicken Sh*t Bingo.  It’s exactly what it sounds like – feed a chicken, turn it loose on a tabletop bingo board and wherever it takes a crap, that number goes on the board.

I’m pretty sure this is also how the NHL is deciding suspensions.

James Neal – 1 game for charging [Shanahan video]

The chicken really likes James Neal, because he gets away with the Couturier hit like a bank robber with a sack of money.  He leaves his feet to run two guys in one shift and manages to earn two disciplinary hearings for only 42 seconds of play!  Someone please tell me if that’s a land speed record.  You know I love the Pens & Neal (still so pissed), but even I can’t believe this. No I don’t want a huge suspension handed out to my guy – but I don’t know other players running my guys with zero fear of consequence.  This works both ways and next time, it’s coming instead of going.

To me this shows the NHL believes the Pens/Flyers series is over tonight, so the chicken did her business on the 1 because there’s only one game left in Neal’s season.  God, I hope they’re  wrong.

Be honest if you can see the sense in this: Carl Hagelin got 3 games [video] for elbowing Daniel Alfredsson and Andrew Shaw got 3 games [video] for hitting Mike Smith.  If those are 3-gamers, why is Neal’s only one?  Alfredsson was injured, Smith was not.  Neal could much more easily have avoided Giroux than either of the other hits.  And neither Hagelin or Shaw threw another questionable check less than a minute before.

Aaron Asham – 4 games for cross-checking [Shanahan video]

The chicken was angry – fine with me. This is a terrible move in a terrible game that could repeat itself tonight.  For all the bitching about Schenn cross-checking Crosby from behind a few weeks ago, this is obviously a hundred times worse and deserves a sit-down.

Nicklas Backstrom – 1 game for cross-checking  [Shanahan video]

A stick to the face for a Backstrom-less game 4?  Deal of the century!  Thanks a lot, chicken!

This play is no dirtier than a million uncalled penalties in this series.  But it is, as Shanahan calls it, “excessive and reckless” – because he can’t say “stupid and pointless.”  Nicky’s not going to fight Peverly anymore than I’m going to be proclaimed Queen of Canada.  He has been run constantly in this series – because he’s the Caps best player.  And he gave it away for nothing.   The Caps got through 40 games without Backstrom this year, here’s hoping they have one more in them.

Raffi Torres – Awaiting the Chicken

You need 5 in a row to win bingo.  Just when the NHL had suspended 7 players in the first round (only 6 suspensions in all of last year’s playoffs), Phoenix’s Raffi Torres does this.  Marian Hossa was stretchered off the ice and taken by ambulance to a local hospital, from which he was released last night [link].  He got into a waiting car under his own power.  Torres has been suspended twice and fined once in the last 13 months [link].

What do you think the chicken will have to say about this one?  If suspensions are being doled out based on some other system (say, player popularity?), where on the bingo board does this load land?

PS: You should all read The New York Times’ Slap Shot blog for this scathing piece on the state of player safety.  Writer Lynn Zinser says: “If you can follow the logic through those four [Asham, Neal, Shaw, Backstrom] — particularly how the Penguins’ James Neal earned only a one-game suspension for head-hunting two players on a single shift — you belong at M.I.T. Or Shanahan’s next dinner party.”