What's Up, Ya Sieve

It’s getting hot in here, and Brendan Shanahan’s phone was ringing off the hook yesterday.  Three players face disciplinary hearings for offenses committed during Saturday’s run of show…

1. Carl Hagelin

Former Foxy Friday and Ryan Gosling stun- double Carl Hagelin is not known for throwing elbows and getting dirrrty.  But the playoffs make people do crazy things.  He took out Daniel Alfredsson with a very high hit yesterday.

Alfredsson, the Sens’ captain, did not return to the game.  There’s been no update on Alfredsson’s status.  Hagelin served a five minute major and will be sentenced today.  Tortorella said “wah!” but that’s what he always says.

2. Matt Carkner

This guy is off his anger-management meds.  Boyle had a goal in game 1 and got into it with Karlsson to the tune of matching roughing minors.  It merits the clean check Carkner throws to start this, and probably a fight.  I understand protecting your most valuable asset.  But Carkner doesn’t square off, he jumps Boyle and drags him face-down across the ice under the dogpile.

Carkner got five for fighting, two for instigating and ejected.  Brandon Dubinsky was the third man into the fight and also got himself a game misconduct.  He took his frustration out on the Gatorade cooler.

This series is officially ugly.  I think Shanahan will suspend Hagelin for one game, especially if Alfie can’t play tomorrow.  The hit was directly to the head and otherwise you open it up to chaos.  If Carkner went after Boyle for a play that didn’t result in Karlsson being injured, what will they do to the guy who knocked out their captain?  Hagelin is not Boyle – he may not live to tell the tale.

Carkner definitely gets suspended here.  Fight a guy clean to protect your teammates, that’s hockey.  This is cowardice and can’t be allowed to stand.

3. Andrew Shaw

Goalies are like virgins whose fathers are right inside the front door with a shotgun – don’t touch them, it’s not worth it.  Chicago’s Andrew Shaw collided with Phoenix netminder Mike Smith last night, helmet-to-helmet. Smith went down hard and stayed there for a long time.

Shaw got a five minute charging major, on which the Coyotes scored to take the lead.  He was ejected as well.  Smith eventually got right and stayed in the game… what?  He must have passed whatever on-ice tests are administered immediately following a hit to the head, but this looked like a mandatory trip to the quiet room.  I think a five + game should suffice as Smith wasn’t injured on the play.  The hearing is tomorrow.

What do you think?  More importantly, if they don’t get what the opposition feels they “deserve,” what happens in game three?

Allow me to set a scene, one I bet happened in each of your very early histories:

Doctor: “Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Parents of Future WUYS Reader.  You’re having a beautiful baby girl.”

Mom and Dad: “Yes!”

Dad quickly adds: “We will never live in Thunder Bay, Ontario.”

Taylor and Tom Pyatt, brothers and fellow NHL players, are among the many reasons why.

Taylor Pyatt has had a rough season in Phoenix, notching only 7 G/9 A.  The Coyotes are very much in the playoff race, battling four other teams for the last spots in the West.  Through 11 NHL seasons, Taylor has played for the Islanders, Sabres and Canucks before coming to the Coyotes in ’09-’10.  He will be an unrestricted free agent this summer.

Many of you know the heartbreaking story of Taylor’s fiancee, who was killed in a car wreck in 2009 [link].  He missed about a month of hockey, returned for a brief playoff stint and this his contract in Vancouver was up.  He joined the Coyotes that summer. We’re glad to see that Taylor is still playing and hope he gets a solid contract at the end of this season.

Taylor’s definitely a fan favorite in Phoenix… and why not?  He looks so much like Chris Pine that I keep expecting him to order Maximum Warp.

From yotesgurl.wordpress.com... there are a LOT more!

Okay, you can have another one.

Little brother Tom Pyatt has a career-high 10 G this season, including the two he scored last night  [video].  The Lightning are slipping out of the playoff dreamscape, so this will likely be the crown on Tom’s ’11-’12 season.  A recent contract extension keeps him with the Bolts through ’13-’14.

Tom is good friends with fellow Thunder Bay “hide your daughters” native Marc Staal (was in MStaal’s wedding party).  His favorite NHL team uniform is the Blackhawks (random yes, but we applaud) [link].  That’s all I could really find.  Someone get him on the phone so we can find out how he ask if he likes the roller coasters at Busch Gardens and wants to go to spring training with us.

Tom’s birthday is Valentine’s Day, so you can buy him candy that you fully intend to eat yourself.  Maybe you can borrow this hat when you both visit the Great White North.

Check out the video of Tom’s two goals and post-game interview last night.

Someday, Canada’s going to reveal the top-secret scientific research being carried out in Thunder Bay, and they put up a sign by the road: Home of The Perfection Project.

 It was a banner weekend ladies as many of our men made history and milestones: chillin in the dome with Jerome: Iggy got his 500^th goal.

 Teemu got his 651st goal by the end of the night.

 Little Danny Briere put on his big boy pants and got in his third ever fight and had a hat trick to boot.

Shane Doan got his first hat trick EVER with .o1 to go – YES and the Coyotes have really needed SOMETHING to get their party started.

And faster than you can say “Excuse me but does this stick in the face make me look fat?” the PA put the hammer down on the realignment and the Blue Jackets have fired their coach. Whew. There was a crap load of exciting hockey happening this weekend and I didn’t even cover Corey Perry’s hat trick  - wait I just did.

So if you missed any of it, I suggest you watch the above because it was pure hockey magic. A banner weekend of nuggeted hockey gold wrapped tightly like a firecracker that exploded a little late for the new year but we’ll take it any way!

Me- Drew - You - you; me play hockey good.

By the Power of Gray Skull! Evidently God decided to touch not only Drew (“It might be a huge one”),  she decided to touch a couple of  LA Kings last night (oh please – I would so like to switch places for one day!) and put them into the plaaaaaay ooooooffffsss! Let me hear a boooohyaa from the West Coasties! Although she messed with me and made it go into a shoot out knuckle biter with Jonathan Quick (best named Goalie eva!) lived up to his name and slammed the door shut on the Coyotes. HOWL!

Jarret Stoll and Michal Handzus (worst hair nominee – get that boy a stylist and some conditioner STAT!) nailed their shoot out shots and Capt. DOWNTOWN Brown missed but he had a super sweet takin’ to the Bryzgalov early on in the game.

This means at least a few more weeks of the Sexy Beast Touched by God! Can I hear an AMEN? AMEN! Hallelujah!

The long weekend is over, it’s back to work and you know what I feel like?  Chuck loves it too:

I tried to watch the Heritage Classic, but I couldn’t focus my eyes on the bizarre non-color of the Flames shorts.  Is that taupe?  Nude, maybe?  If you’re going to commit to sweaters and socks that look like McDonald’s prison uniforms, just go all the way.

I made your sweater, Stripey!

That awkward moment when the Penguins acquire the guy Sidney Crosby beat up.  The Penguins traded Alex Gologoski to Dallas for James Neal and Matt Niskanen.  Could Neal be the elusive high-percentage winger for Crosby?  What do you think Crosby and Niskanen are going to talk about?

The Coyotes have won 7 games in a row and they’re pissed the Devils have won 7 games in a row too.  Way to steal our thunder, guys.  NJ is 10 points out with 23 games left to play.  Mike Millbury and his pink tie think the Devs are a playoff contender.  What do you think?  [Haha, right now the Devils website is down.  Guess their IT team wasn’t expecting any wins either.]

Ain't no mountain high enough...

Tuesday’s Games to Watch: The Canes can tie the Rangers for 7^th in the East with a win; Columbus tries to keep pace with the race against Nashville; Dallas looks to avoid a 5-game skid against those Devils.

Only if this comes with Kris Letang in it with room for two like a double wide!

The Coyotes really know how to party! Only in a place where it gets to be like a million degrees would they give away a wearable fleece blanket.  Beer for a buck?  I am so there. But does it come with a belt? Because that is what is in for this Spring – EVERYONE knows that.

I’ve been giving out faux Foxy Fridays all week, but it’s time for the real deal.  Today’s Foxy Friday is none other than Paul Bissonnette himself.  If you follow Biz on Twitter (@biznasty2point0) then you don’t need us, you’re already in love with him.

Hot in herrrrrrrrrrrrrrre

Biz is a character (to say the least), but he is our favorite hockey personality.  He actually has a personality, which is saying something in the NHL these days.  Off color sometimes and with questionable spelling, it makes him all the more entertaining.  Biz may not play every night, but he’s having more fun than anyone else.

We want to go to there.

There are a lot of Speedos and tattoos in BizNasty’s world, but we guarantee your mom will love him anyway. For Christmas, he’ll bring her a BizNasty t-shirt and Taco Bell (watch his commercial shoot).  Plus he plays Mahjonng, never runs out of toilet paper and has $750 bed sheets.  And he recently spilled his sensitive side to the Vancouver Sun (thanks Kimmy).

Biz for NHL Director of Awesome

Will the BizNasty Write-In Campaign for the 2011 All-Star Game succeed? We bet the captains would fight over him in the draft  - everyone wants to most popular guy in school on their team.  If he doesn’t make the team he should be invited to cover the event live via Twitter, uncensored.  In my dreams.

Update: Vancouver Canucks’ Rick Rypien has been suspended 6 games for his attack on a fan in Minnesota.

Please watch this video of George Parros fighting with Jody Shelley.  Yes they fight all the time, mustache vs. girls’ name, but listen to the background noise at 0:12 – is that the sound of a boxing bell?  It’s playing in the arena, right?  OMG, it’s the first and only thing I’ve ever loved about the Flyers.

Let's get ready to...

I can’t get past the Flyers’ jersey nameplates.  It looks like something a soccer mom made with medical tape from the AAA first aid kit in her minivan.

Marc-Andre Fleury was back in goal for the Pens last night vs. Nashville, and had a very close call in OT.  The puck went over his shoulder and bounced around at the goal line before Pascal Dupuis cleared it with a diving save.  Whew! Flower looked okay, not great, and you know Brent Johnson’s on the bench licking his chops. Love ya, Johnny but I still believe in Flower Power.

Yes, that's the doorstep.

Fifteen seconds later, Kris Letang buried a beauty of a slapshot for the winner.  He scored the same goal on Monday vs. Ottawa.  Also, Letang’s misconduct penalty for the 10/15 hit to Isles’ Comeau was rescinded because I said so.  Way to go, Team Tanger!

Johan Franzen said “In your face!” to last Fridays’ foxy Mikka Kipprusoff – and he meant it.  Franzen banked the puck off Kipper’s mask for the game-winning goal last night in Detroit.  If hockey doesn’t work out he could always get a job in Vegas playing trick-shot billiards.

Face/Puck

The Coyotes’ Lee Stempniak scored a hat trick in Phoenix, where they downed the Kings 4-2.  Only 6,706 attended the game.  The one and only BizNasty had this to say on Twitter: “Guess we actually had more then 5000 fans for our game. Didn’t realize it was dress like a seat night. Close to a sell out.”  It looked like this (AZ Republic):

If the goal light goes on and there's no one to see it...

The latest in Phoenix’s financial despair is best distilled at Yahoo!’s Puck Daddy, but frankly the whole thing is too depressing to read.  They need an NHL-assisted suicide. Let’s just decide where they should move to already – suggestions?  Re-open franchises in Quebec City or Winnipeg?  (This guy wants it.)  Think of it this way – the Minnesota Wild had their first ever non-sell out in team history for an exhibition game on 9/23.  That’s right, they sell out EVERY GAME, including 27 home pre-season games leading to this one.  You could put a new team in the Wild’s parking lot and consistently sell more tickets than Phoenix.  So what are the other options?  Milwaukee?  Seattle (Dawn!)?

About a month ago, I posted my thoughts about the newest Boston Bruin, Nathan Horton.

Bruins have been dying for a finisher ever since Phil Kessel left and me thinks that this Horton guy and his nasty wrist shot might be it.  Granted this all remains to be seen, I mean there is a whole season to play, but the prospect has me all googily-eyed and optimistic.

Well, two games into the season, folks and it is official…

I am googily.

Horton is off to a very promising start for the Bs, netting 3 goals and 1 assist in the two games that the team played vs. the Coyotes in Prague over the weekend.  He scored the only goals for the Bruins in the 1st game, where they got embarrassed by Coyotes goaltender Ilya Nikolayevich Bryzgalov, who was phenomenal.

Horton scored two goals from pretty much the same spot on the ice (top of the slot).  His wrist shot is ridonkulous and his release is so quick.  It was like the puck got to him and half a second later, the goal judge is lighting the lamp.  Huh?  Wait, what just happened? Thank god for the replay or I wouldn’t have ever seen the puck actually go into the net.

So I know that it is super early in the season, but I’m going to channel my inner Chris Berman Swammy and make a prediction:

Nathan Horton will score 35 goals this year.

There.  I said it.  Sure it may be bold but like the Black Eyed Peas said, “I got a feeling…”

1) this dude is a #1 freak of the goalie variety

It's gonna be a tight squeeze, fellas...

He’s 6’3″ and weights 200lbs, which if you don’t know, is like GIGANTIC for a netminder.  There is barely any net to shoot on when you have someone that large in the net, especially when he gets down into the butterfly position.   Shooters have to have a crazy Superman vision to pick out the infinitesimal amount of net that they can actually shoot at.

2) this dude has questionable taste in shirts

Hot. Mess.