What's Up, Ya Sieve

I’m not into reality TV (besides sports), but may I suggest a new program?

Penguins Bachelor Auction – Talent Competition

Episode One: Sidney Crosby’s sex hair vs. James Neal’s ginger beard

Somewhere, Pierre weeps.

Neal’s Strategy: Curls for the girls.

I’m just saying – NBC Sports Network is showing cycling reruns when there is money to be made.

Last night’s Penguins game really saved an otherwise desolate day.  Anything that makes Evgeni Malkin this happy is bound to have the same effect on me.

As we said in our Round 2 Playoff Prognostications on Puck Daddy:

Remember when smart girls were into slacker guys, like in Knocked Up? That’s Pants and the Penguins. If the Pens don’t get their act together and do the damned dishes in Round 2, they’re sleeping on the couch all summer.  

They did it!  At least for now!  Game 1 was a bit mad in the early going, but settled into a steady Penguins onslaught.  The Senators got chances and second chances – we owe you, Vokoun, now lock up those rebounds.  The Pens scored 2 of 4 power play chances and even once on the penalty kill (Duper!).  Strong from start to finish, that’s what girls love.

Game 2 of this series isn’t until Friday, but there’s no rest for hockey fans.  The Kings won last night and the Blackhawks/Red Wings start tonight.  Let’s go Hawks… I’ll be saying from inside the theater where I’m watching Star Trek.

Trust you guys can hold it down for tonight?

The Penguins have won Round One.

It wasn’t easy.  It wasn’t even pretty.  Well, maybe Game One, but otherwise the Penguins generally had their asses handed to them by the 8th seed upstart Islanders.  At times the Pens beat themselves, but as the series went on the Islanders were winning.  Fair and square they were beating the Penguins for long stretches of time that included nearly all of Game Six.

In the end, a win is a win.  It’s not about who “deserved” to win, because maybe that was the Islanders.  At least if this were a Disney movie.  They played more than good hockey, they played their hearts out.  The Penguins didn’t, but they fought hard against their own issues and still brought it to OT.

Hopefully the Penguins learned and when Round Two starts against Ottawa, we’ll see the team we’ve seen all year.  The team they can really be.

And we’ll see this.  It’s already twice what it was last season… somebody’s getting jealous of #BeardWatch2013.

Nealmobile’s ginger beard, on the other hand, is mesmerizing.  I’ll find a picture for you then you’ll have to cancel all your plans.

I got home last night and Mr. Pants asked how the Penguins game went.

After a withering glare, and admitting to the 2-2 series score, he asked if I thought the Penguins would still win.

Yes, I do.  Of course I do.  They’re my team.

My optimism took a beating last night, and I couldn’t even see the game.  You know what shit sounds like on the radio?  Shit.  I won’t be using the DVR either, preferring to pretend it never happened and the Penguins aren’t doing the walk of shame back to Pittbsurgh in a stolen t-shirt with one broken high heel.

I also don’t want to see the fracas at the end.  A seething pool of frustrated rage still boils in my core over last season’s face plant first round loss to Philadelphia. If we are approaching that low, I’d rather just close my eyes and crash.

Regardless of these last three games, I believe in my team.  I believe they can turn this around.  The Islanders are playing very well, and much credit to them.  They never say die.  But the Pens are playing very poorly.

If the Isles’ best can still only manage goal-for-goal shitshows against the Penguins’ worst, then all we need is not their worst.  Right?  Anyone, math?

So, what is it that keeps up hanging on when things look bad?  Is it the knowledge that anyone can win any game on any day?  Do the agony and ecstasy of competition make this ancient struggle poetic?

Yes and no.  I don’t want to be epic, I just want to win.  For me, optimism is a mix of believing my team is better (than they’re playing now) and some Stage 5 cocktail of denial and dependency, spiked with stubbornness and a paper umbrella.  Tell the bartender to keep ‘em coming.

Of course the Islanders fans believe as much as Penguins fans – probably more, and they deserve it.  I’m insanely jealous of the fun they are having.  Still, optimism doesn’t care who is at the other end of the seesaw trying to toss me off.

I’m holding on for dear life.  Or Vokoun.

Seriously – VOKOUN.  We can believe in Fleury after we believe in winning this series.  Bylsma, the whole team is a hot mess but you’re getting one goal leads.  Give the guys a chance to make them stick!

Oooh, I’m getting psyched again thinking about it.  Come on, Game 5!

And now, a dramatic reenactment of Games 1-3 in the Penguins/Islanders series.

By Britney Spears

Not exactly what Britney meant.

Game 1: Penguins 5, Islanders 0

Oh yeah.  Everything they say about me is true, look how unstoppably hot/young/talented/perfect I am.

Sid: Are you talking about us?

Remember Flower’s wedding?

Game 2: Penguins 3, Islanders 4

Waaaaahhhhhhhhaaaattt do you mean Justin dumped me and I’m fat and tone deaf and I forgot to wear pants to this TV interview?

Sid: I can hear you, you know.

Game 3: Penguins 5, Islanders 4 (OT)

I have no idea what I’m doing maybe this will work RRRRAAAAAHHHHHH oh hey I feel better now.

Sid: You take that back.

The Isles deserve a ton of credit for the great hockey they have played in bursts through the last two games.  How about their crowd yesterday?   I think the Penguins should still have this in the bag if they can just even out their game.  The Islanders have been very good, but anything less than spectacular and it’s the Penguins beating themselves.

Bets on what Tuesday night’s game will look like?

The NHL wants to make up for the lockout, draw casual fans back into hockey and perhaps attract some new ones in a less turbulent year, because we’re still really mad at them.  Right?

Not now, girls.

 Er, we may be feeling warmer and fuzzier and playoff-ier…

Seriously!  Hold it together.

Then someone says:

from NBC Chicago

OKAY, WE LOVE YOU AGAIN!

So much for being cool.

He should’ve known better.

Five outdoor games have been announced for next season, including Penguins/Blackhawks at Soldier Field, Chicago on March 1, 2014.

Also known as:

Or was it…

The show ain’t called Chicago for nothing.

Whatever they call it, we’re going.  You’re invited.  Get started now.

 Don’t forget to pack your:

Because this trip is:

Apparently this is all still being finalized.  Good luck with that, because you already yelled fire in a crowded room.

As predicted by science, fate and what he looked like to begin with, post-jaw surgery and probably mid-dental work Sidney Crosby looks…

Better than anyone you know in real life.

This is from the party after the Honor Society show in Pittsburgh last night (says Tumblr – which is how rumors get started).  I’d apologize to this young lady for not knowing her name/crediting her photo, but I don’t think she cares. (UPDATE: Her name is Candace, and she’s very nice!).

If you can go to shows and parties, maybe you can smile and play hockey soon?

Let’s have some Monday morning Caro Emerald in celebration, shall we?

Update: Alison found another, RT’d by the band’s @RiskyBusinessMB:

That is almost a smile.

Update #2: Talking to the media at Pens practice… sigh.

You’ve all seen what happened in the Penguins/Islanders game on Saturday.  I feel obligated to talk about it, so you know I’m not weeping in a ditch.

It started out so well.  We were all distracted by shiny things:

Then 87 seconds in, Sid got a friendly-fire puck to the face.  Yes, 87 seconds.

Fate, you are a bitch.

Maybe Sid should just sit out vs. the Islanders forever, since he seems to always get hit in the face during these games. [The last time.]

I was watching the game on my phone, at a Greene Turtle sports bar.  My waitress, a Flyers fan, must’ve heard my muffled scream because she came rushing over and we huddled around the little screen watching while my lunch got cold.  Even she was worried.  I left her a huge tip.

For all the times I’ve said “NOT THE FACE!”, I primarily mean one face in the entire hockey world.

But Sidney Crosby cannot catch a break.  He had “extensive” dental work and surgery to repair a fractured jaw.  He’s out of the hospital but still swollen, can’t chew and can’t talk.  That would put me over the edge, but Sid is reportedly in good spirits.  Because he’s awesome.

Crosby wrote that he’s resigned to a diet of “soup and shakes for a while” and that verbal communication is pretty much out of the question “for another couple days” because he is “pretty swollen right now.” - Pittsburgh Post Gazette

I was a little embarrassed by my level of concern on Saturday.  I’m not that worried about his face because:

1. He can afford really great doctors, reconstruction, a Bane mask, etc.
2. HE’S SIDNEY CROSBY.

He’s still going to look like this when it’s over.  Maybe a scar, a few fake teeth.  We like hockey players, remember?

Gah, I’m just torturing myself now.  I also barely avoided a ragestroke over the number of people who feel an injured player is either the result of karma or the punchline of a joke.  Just walk away, Pants.

Obviously the true concern is any concussion-like symptom that an 85 mph puck to the face could cause.  It looks like we’re clear on that front.  Outlets are reporting that Sid intends to be back by playoffs, and many are saying don’t be surprised to see him sooner.

The Pens have him listed as “out indefinitely” – that doesn’t mean FOREVER.  It means THEY DON’T KNOW.   The caps lock is for myself, so I don’t freak out.

Pittsburgh still has everyone else (except Letang and a starting Fleury), a 15-game win streak and the lead in the East.  They’ve been getting it done with holes in the roster and I expect the last 12 games of the season to be no different.  They’re home vs. Buffalo tonight – let’s assume Sid will be on the couch with an ice pack of frozen peas and a milkshake. watching this happen.

I will be doing the same.

MEMO FROM CHUCK’S DESK

Oh what fresh HELL is this! The last 12 hours have been a roller coaster of emotions. First, the drama of the Bruins/Candiens game. Never ceases to amaze me how these games can take me to the height of joy down to the bitter pit of despair so many time in a mere 60 minutes. At the disappointing end of last night’s game, I went to bed all wretched but optimistic that today would bring some glimmer of hope…namely in the form of Jarome Iginla.

Nope. Sorry. Not happening. Ray Shero is a dream crusher and life ruiner.

Ray Shero is also a cruel thief and magical wizard. I don’t know how he does his voodoo magic to make these great deals without sacrificing a single roster player. It is just not right. It is downright Faustian.

hilarious post from www.stanleycupofchowder.com

Interweb speculations says that Iginla changed his mind after seeing the Bruins lose to the Habs last night but I highly doubt that his decision was solely based on the outcome of a single game. I’m betting that the Bruins and Pens were his top choices and after careful consideration, he went with the team that he felt was the better fit for him.

Although it pains me admit, right now the Pens do look like the better team, but I worry about their defense and goaltending.  Letang on the IR and Fleury injured are never good things.  Can new acquisition Murray and backup Tomas Vokoun fill the void? Debatable….

I truly believe that Iginla would have been a better fit for the Bruins and their style of play.  He could have provided that goal-scoring, finishing ability that the Bruins need and the Pens definitely do not.  They are front loaded with fire power. Can’t someone throw a little something our way?

Our twitter feed is going to be insufferable today – all the Pens fans that Pants added squeeing and fangirling all over the place and everyone else pissed that they didn’t get Ignila or annoyed with all of those Pens fans.

With a little over a dozen games left in the season, it will be interesting to see what happens in the Eastern Conference.  But remember, the regular season is one thing…it’s all about the playoffs.

MEMO FROM PANTS’ CUPBOARD UNDER THE STAIRS

Wow.  It’s only 10 AM and I (as part of the Pens fanbase) have been called a lot of names, via every social media platform available.  As I’m clearly obnoxious, insufferable, gloating, cocky, a fangirl and an ignorant jinx who only exists to ruin other hockey fans dreams’ all while prematurely hoisting the Cup, there isn’t much to say except that I’m happy for my team.

Haters gonna hate.

The Pens were a hard nine yesterday and today they’re a 10+.  But hot or not, they’ve still gotta keep winning.  If anyone learned anything: it’s not over till it’s over.  That goes for trades and it goes for seasons.  (Oh, maybe they also learned not to report news until it’s actually fact.)

Shero had a hand, he played it.  Iggy had a choice, he made it.  I hope it pays off for both, and the Pens, and for me.

Sundays should be easy.  Could someone please inform my hockey teams?

Penguins 2, Flyers 1 – OT

The past two seasons, the Flyers have ended big win streaks for the Pens.  Not last night!!  It took a while, until Crosby PPGed so hard he almost fell over.  He is a little back-heavy, after all.

.gif by jordanstaals.tumblr.com

Not for nothing, Sid got all these points without even brushing his hair.

Then everyone including Tyler Kennedy couldn’t believe that Tyler Kennedy scored the OT game-winning goal.  Penguins win streak extended to 12 games!

Let’s love on Matt Niskanen for a minute.  First of all, his middle name is Norman.  It makes me think of the calf from City Slickers every time:

“Seat belts, Norman! Seat belts!”

Secondly, he’s been aces lately.  Check out last night’s highlights [video] –  the puck-drag  around the shot block at 1:34, then the behind-the-back to TK for the winner!  Nisky had the game-winner last week vs. Washington, giving him 4 goals in 25 games. Last year he scored 4 in 75.  He needs a haircut something awful, but look at that smile:

.gif by christkunitz.tumblr.com

Also, last night… Capitals 3, Rangers 2 – SO

WELCOME BACK, PIGLET!  At least we hope so.  Mid-last week, Nicky Backstrom had only 3 goals on the year.  THREE GOALS?

Yes. Horrifying.

But last night, NB19 scored the Caps’ first and last goals – the second being the 4th round shootout winner.

So while the bonus goal won’t count toward the season total, we know it happened.  That’s 3 goals and 3 assists in 3 games!  Give us the return of this face and the Caps could give the playoffs a run for their money after all.

I will also grudgingly point out that Ovechkin has 6 goals in 5 straight games.  The Caps have won 4 of those.  Maybe (maybe, maybe) he CAN lead this team, at least on the scoreboard.

There’s no way out for the Caps without Ovi and Backstrom and no more time to wait.  They jumped 3 spots in the standings this weekend, and are now 2 points out of 8th place.  They host the Islanders, Sabres and Flyers this week – all teams just below them in the East.

Please let this elevator keep going up.

Side note: If you’re not following Ovi’s fiancée Maria Kirilenko (@mkirilenko), you are missing the most excited Caps-related Tweets out there.  She might even be enough to make me like him.

Last night’s Bruins vs. Pens was pretty good…until the 3rd period.

That is when the Pens’ offence sprang to life and took advantage of some uncharacteristic mistakes by my beloved Bruins.  Pens scored 3 goals in under 5 minutes and went on to defeat the Bruins 3-2.

Now, I’m not making excuses [because there is no crying in hockey] but the Bruins did play night before in Ottawa and then had to hop on the plane to Pittsburgh.  Fatigue had to factor it at least a little bit.

Bruins’ #2 goaltender Anton “Dobby” Khudobin got the start and was stellar against the Pens’ potent offence.  Didn’t catch the game? Just check out the video clips here.  Most all of the saves clips are Khudobin’s.

Dobby has save after save after great save.  He was strong and aggressive in the net, especially on the Pens’ 5-on-3 when things could have got real ugly, real fast.

I can’t fault him for the loss because the 3 goals that the Pens did score were all good goals.  And really when the Pens score against you, pretty much all of their goals are good goals.

BTW – Dobby & dimples. It’s a good thing. 

Dobby make saves.  No allow goals. Dobby happy.

I love Dennis Seidenberg as a player and think that he is seriously underrated.  But last night’s game was sweet and sour for our favorite German.

He made a ridiculous play to save a goal…then made a ridiculous mistake that was the final nail in the coffin for the Bruins.

Hockey gods giveth and hockey gods taketh away.

Yeah, I know how you feel buddy.

This was definitely a game that the Bruins could have won.  They only but 16 shots on Fleury and with the way he’s been playing lately, this was a missed opportunity.  They should have peppered him with shots, sent Lucic in there to crash the net, and screened him all night long.  Had they done that, the outcome might have been very different.

Seguin’s goal was tres impressive.  (Watch it here.)  Being able elevate the puck like that while moving away from said puck – Skillz, people.  They don’t teach that in school.

Over the last few games, Seguin seems to have found his groove. He’s skating well, finding the puck, and looks like his scoring touch has returned. Add to that the great play of his line mates,  Bergeron and Marchand,and the Bruins’ 1st line is just chugging away like a little train.  Choo Choo! All aboard!

Bruins vs. Pens face off again this Sunday, March 17th.

This time, we’re gonna have the luck of the Irish on our side.