Five days left left?  NHL ’13, we hardly knew ye!  Let’s be honest, though.

The 2013 season has not been kind to all those we love. Some teams, after these grueling months, could use a break, a tan and another go at it next year.  I’m not saying quit, of course.  Feel free to ruin someone’s playoff hopes on your way out the door! (I’m looking at you, Carolina, vs. NYR.)  You could score 3 goals, Stamkos, and maybe win yourself at least half a trophy!

Here’s to the teams we love, who still lost.  See you soon, boys.

Carolina Hurricanes

There is nothing more depressing than sad Intern Jeff Skinner.  He was so ready for this season – he grew his hair out, a girl sat on his lap, he was guaranteed more Staal-sposure.  Now he’s moping around the office, dragging his blue blankie and eating all the Whatchamacallits.

After a hot start, the Canes have lost… and lost and lost, including 10 of 13 games in April.  Cam Ward has been out so long he’s a myth, like Encino Man.  Dejected Staals are everywhere and I feel for the Hurricanes fans who had every right to expect a big, shiny, blond year out of their team.  At least they have tailgating.

Get these boys a summer, get Jiri Tlusty for my fantasy team and no, I still don’t like Alex Semin.  So there.  Just look at the size of Jordan’s skull in relation to Eric’s and pray that when you have kids, they are not boys.

More on the Canes season from the Raleigh News Observer.

Tampa Bay Lightning

If two hockey players leave the bench at the same time, and one is 23 and the other is 37, how many daisies does the mailman have when he reaches the train station?

The Bolts look at this and say: What do we have to do?!

You know I’m desperate when I start doing math:

• The Lightning offense is 3rd in the NHL, scoring 3.09 goals per game.
• The Lightning defense is 26th in the NHL, giving up 3.07 goals per game.
• A .02 goal differential will get you 2nd to last in your conference.

Marty St. Louis has 1.22 points-per-game this season.  That’s second best in his career, behind the 1.24 he notched in ’06-’07… when he was 31.  Stamkos has a career-high 1.20 points per game right now.  They account for 28% of the entire team’s points.  I’m tried of watching the epic performances of two of my favorite players go to waste.

More on the Lightning season, from The Tampa Tribune.

Edmonton Oilers

#TeamSad.  So much for my eternal optimism.  No number of gap-toothed smiles, puppy shelter visits, hilarious Cabbie videos or underage boyfriends is getting the Oilers into the playoffs this year.  We really tried though, with the collective power of our hoping.  Were we doing it wrong?

Did we not have enough matching golf outfits?  Or magic tricks?  It’s because Alison and Amanda never got their white board out to ask Schultz to the prom, isn’t it?

With absolute talent comes absolute frustration – and I could barely stay awake for an Edmonton game.  Now Molly Ringwald is having shoulder surgery.  Of all the teams not making the playoffs, I’ll miss the Oilers the most.

More on the Oilers season from Edmonton Journal.

Colorado Avalanche

When I first moved to the West Coast, I watched a LOT of Avs hockey.  They were on TV in my new time zone and hey, they won the Cup!  How else would Alex Tanguay be my lobster?  This year I haven’t watched more than 20 minutes of an Avs game, but it can’t look any worse on paper.

This is the 5th of 7 years the former Colorado powerhouse will not make the playoffs.  They rank 27th in attendance (85.2%), above just NYI, Phoenix and Columbus.  Pre-season expectations were not high, but last in the West?  Only 15 wins on the year?  They’re not gonna sell tickets off Landeskog’s Superman smile alone… at least not to anyone but us.

More on the Avs’ season from the Denver Post.

We will miss these teams and players, and hope they have better luck next season.  Also, consider this an open invitation to watch the playoffs from the WUYS office.  If Intern Jeff Skinner ‘s emotional eating leaves us any food.

Pants note: Most of these stats are from Monday, I didn’t get to post in time.

When someone talks to me about Steven Stamkos scoring goals:   And Stammer never lets a girl down.  Last night he scored his 200th career goal in the Lightning win over the Flyers.  Bonus yay.

Alone in my car with Game Center Live radio playing on my phone, I yelled, “Hey girl, I’m Steven Stamkos!”

Not the 200th goal.

Stammer is the 4th youngest player to reach the 200 mark (Gretzky, Lemieux and Hawerchuck were younger).  It’s really impressive… now please stop reminding me that he’s 23.  Steven split the Rocket Richard trophy with Crosby in ’10 and won it himself last season.  He could be on his way to another with a League-leading 21 goals. The Rocket Richard Trophy has only been around since ’99 [link], and no one has won three.  (Selanne got 1 and Bure had 2 – both would have won 3 each if it had been introduced earlier).  Among active players, Iginla and Ovechkin have each won it twice. Did I mention #200 was an empty-netter?  Who cares?   You could celebrate by buying this limited edition Tissot Steven Stamkos watch in Lightning blue for $460.

Or spend $460 and get tickets to every Lightning game for a year (probably).

This morning, take a moment to applaud Stamkos’ achievement.

How can a hockey game be better than a hockey game?

When there’s tailgating.

Us on a nicer day (next time).

The fantastic folks of @Section328 invited me and my friends to their pre-game party on our Raleigh Road Trip.  Rainy, cold weather could not stop them from setting up the tent and busting out the Chicken & Waffles potato chips.

Surprisingly good, but not as good as the pork tacos.

As promised, there was a game of cornhole… at which I was bad.  Roberto Luongo on a bad night bad.  No one made fun of me (out loud), which is like no one laughing at Jennifer Lawrence for falling up the Oscar stairs.  So polite.

@MattyDTX trying to coach me.

Leigh showing Michelle (and everyone) how Raleigh girls do it right.

“Little Baby” Intern Jeff Skinner did not make an appearance at our party, but that’s just because he couldn’t have dessert – alcoholic chocolate pudding. Perfect for the school lunchbox.  (Patron XO in the pudding, Baileys in the whipped cream.)

It’s so good you might want to hog it all, no matter how gross that looks.

Derek at last call.

We eventually did make it inside, I promise.  PNC Arena is really nice and we had great seats for the game – perfectly situated between center ice and the nearest stand for $1 hot dog night.

Too bad Intern Jeff Skinner accidentally texted Stamkos instead of Staal (they’re right next to each other in his Contacts) to say we’d be there, watching and cheering.

The message was definitely received, because Steven scored this goal.  That could be me behind the glass, flipping my hair and thinking, “Don’t look, don’t look, just be cool”  while inside you’re in the front row at a 1D concert.

Tampa Bay won the game 5-2.  There was a lot of mismatched-size hugging while Eric made this face:

Good thing we always have fun even if we lose (or I’d never make it as a Caps fan).  If you’re ever in Carolina or planning a hockey road trip, hit up Section 328′s party.  They will not let you down.  Until then, read their blog for all your “informative hockey snark” needs.

Leigh, Derek, me, Mike. I think we were saying “Skinner!”

It’s Canes vs. Caps tonight, and the DC return of Alex Seminsssnnnooorrre.  I could not care less.  I’d like to see the Staals again, but I have to work.  And there’s no one to spike my dessert.

Thank you, @Section328!

Steven, how are you going to spend your 23rd birthday?

Staring down opponents?

Scoring 60?

Making sure your name is on the Rocket Richard trophy… twice?

Admiring goalies even as your ruin their GAAs?

Relaxing?

Pants-optional shoveling?

Jumping ridiculously high?

Reading WUYS?

Yeah, that’s the one.  Happy birthday, Stammer!

The Lightning have more goals than any team this season (40).  Steven has 7 of those goals (tied for 3rd overall) and 16 total points (2nd overall).

They take their 6-3 record into NJ tonight at 7 PM.  Last year, Stamkos scored one goal on his birthday.  This year, let’s wish bigger. 

Memory Lane:

Birthday Boy: Steven Stamkos (2012),

Birthday Boy: Steven Stamkos (2011)

It’s been all Tampa Bay up in here this week so I thought of no better way to round out the week that with a Tampa Bay Lightning Foxy Friday!

This week’s honoree -

Ryan Malone

Here are the stats on Mr. Malone -

• Born in Pittsburgh on December 1, 1979.  Not only is he perfectly age-appropriate for Pants and I, we’re also pretty sure he loves maple bacon donuts. (BONUS!)
• a strapping 6’4″ and 219 lbs. This is not a boy. This is a MAN.
• 1st Pittsburgh area native to play for the Pens
• He wears #12 in honor of his dad, Greg, who also played in the NHL
• Career stats: 560 games played. 347 points (168 G, 179 A). A -45 +/- rating (way harsh, man). 600 minutes of shame. 24 game winning goals.

Now onto the real (and way more fun) Foxy Friday stats…

1. Ryan is affectionately know as “Busgy”.  As in Bugsy Malone. You know, that classic gangster movie acted out entirely by children and starring Scott Baio and Jodie Foster.  (Yes, this is a real movie. No, I’m not joking. Watch the entire film here)

2. He’s got this sort of Hey-Dude-Brah-Matthew-McConaughey thing going on and it is pretty damn endearing.  All that missing is a surf board and photos of him shirtless on the beach in Malibu.  Bongo playing optional.

JK Livin’, man.

3. That “Yo-Adrian-Rocky-Balboa  smile.

4. I like a man whose not afraid to show us how much he loves us.

5. He’s got sweet dance moves. Watch out, Justin Timberlake.

I’m bringing sexy back. Yeah!

6. He’s got famous Foxy Friday friends.

Geno: “This is how we say I love you in Russia.”

anything more presh than Stamkos’ face? I think not.

7. The tattoos.  Pants doesn’t like ‘em, but I love them.  They’re pretty and colorful and completely distracting.

8. Although he is supporting the Evil Empire, I’m going to cut him some slack.  But ONLY because he has excellent flow and keeps excellent company. #longhairdontcare

9. Watch out, James Neal, Claude Giroux, & Don Cherry. Ryan is giving you a run for your money. #plaidsuit

10. He’s got a GGB – a GLORIOUS  ginger beard. Fingers crossed that the Lightning go far in the playoffs so we can see it in all its wonder.

11. Sometimes, he rocks a mustache.  And I don’t hate it.  Not even one little bit.  He actually sort of works on him.

So there you have it, folks – Ryan Malone, this week’s Foxy Friday. Another worth addition to the Foxy Friday Fraternity.

He’s fuzzy.

He’s tatted up.

He looks like he’d be a whole lot of fun at your pool party.

And he’ll make you fall in love in with him.

Hey Gurl….

Roster photos are like a walk through a mine field.  Never have so many attractive guys looked like they were kidnapped, stuffed in a trunk and taken to a Walmart Portrait Studio.

Remember that one parent with the plastic comb that “fixed” everyone’s hair on school picture day?  That parent was absent from the Penguins locker room.

I just woke up and why are there girls here?

I just woke up and where is Lazy?

I just woke up and yeah, I look pretty good.

Meanwhile, all capable Pens grow light brown facial hair.  That’s an order.

Vitale, Orpik and even Paul Martin, looking a little like Justin Timberlake, no?

The Blackhawks must have had a big night out before their photos.  This has Walk of Shame written all over it.

Vampires are passé now, Seabs.

But not Toews.  He doesn’t like fun.  He wakes up every morning looking like the high school quarterback who never signed your yearbook, just left you dreaming about that time he breathed on you in the hallway outside English.

I don’t know what happened to Viktor Stalberg here, but this picture isn’t even on Tumblr.  It’s been shunned by the church and we don’t talk about it anymore.

The Capitals, oh man.  Should I be worried that this half of the team:

Pink edit,but I couldn’t find Brooksy anywhere else!

.. isn’t friends with this half of the team?  Because friends don’t let friends get photographed like this.

Then again, has anyone told Mike Green?  I will submit this whole blog to “What Not to Wear.”  Exhibit One: From last year to this year…

I am 99% weeping and 1% wondering if he has the stigmata.

Tampa Bay obviously has the right idea about photos in general, what with the beaches and the shirtless and the flexing.  But here, Vinny has never looked so French.  He’s the mean food critic from Ratatouille.

Tom Pyatt has the look I get when trying to remember if he’s Tom or Taylor.

And of course, from the Jonathan Toews School of Upstaging Everyone:

Hey girl, let me help you with that yoga pose.

Now that Ebs & Hall have As up in Edmonton, RNH can’t figure out who he should be listening to.

I’m smiling. Smiling’s cool.

Don’t smile. Smiling is for losers.

Mom and Dad, stop fighting!

I can’t deal with the Hurricanes right now.  The Southeast Division is too crowded with people I love for Jordan Staal to be both Jordan Staal AND be in this jersey.  He needs to pick one.

Because there’s already Intern Jeff Skinner.  Look how proud he is of that hair.

It’s not surprising the Rangers run a tight ship.  Like the Yankees before them, their grooming standards are top notch and they don’t let just anybody in looking homeless and hungover.  Looking foxy is very serious in NYC.

I don’t see new shots of Nash & Richards, so I’m holding out hope we can mess up their hair first.

Update: All the Rangers photos. We didn’t get there in time beat slicked-back. (Thanks Beth!)

I’m not going through the Senators roster because frankly, I don’t know them well enough.  I do know that when 95% of your team is smiling for the camera, like they’re actually really excited, that I get excited too.  Overall best in show so far, Ottawa – except that one guy circled below.  Party pooper.

A quick search for San Jose yielded only one photo – but it’s enough.  Just put this down for every name on the roster.  Brent Burns appears to be guest-starring on Sponge Bob Square Pants or Moonshiners.

Cosmopolitan’s Hottest Shark, folks:

More teams as the photos continue to roll in!

Does the Tampa Bay Lightning team insurance cover mass heart attack when Steven Stamkos Tweets this picture?

My kind of climate crisis.

Before the close up, you have to sign a waiver saying it’s not my fault if you pass out, hit your head and prance off into an unconscious remake of Top Gun.

Shirtless – check. Beach volleyball – check. Mirrored sunglasses – check.

Wingmen (Nope, they’re both centers.)

There goes Obamacare, right down the drain, when we all show up at the ER in the same ambulance.  These guys are Canadian or Scandanavian, they already have national healthcare. [Larger version of photo]

Can someone explain why Vinny Lecavalier doesn’t age?  The only clue he’s not a robot is that robots probably tie their shorts up higher.

Old photo, no difference.

If that’s not enough to make you turn up on Gator’s Florida doorstep unannounced, Nate Thompson Tweeted this photo.  The Lightning is now everyone’s favorite team, hands (and dogs) down(ward).

An hour ago, this was happening somewhere.  Like Brigadoon.  I’d wait 400 years for it to happen again.

Guest starring Teddy Purcell’s ankles

How to know WUYS is the blog for you:

You’d gladly trade a summertime pool boy for the Stamkos Pants-Optional Shovel Service doing squats in your wintry yard.

Once again: Gary Roberts, will you adopt us?

Pssst, we were only kidding.  Steven’s well qualified for summer work too.

Clearly what we need is a blizzard.  Snowpocalypse: Episode II?  We’ll provide sugar free, no-calorie hot chocolate for everyone… who watches from inside.

And unemployed NHL players who bring their own shovels.  

For this week’s edition of Foxy Friday, I decided to jump in the WUYS TARDIS and go back in time to honor one of the foxiest (and talented) NHLers of all time…

Steve Yzerman

The former Detroit Red Wing and current GM of the Tampa Bay Lightning is a legend.

Plain and simple.

And if anyone tries to disagree with us,  I will take off my giant bamboo earrings.  Pants will kick off her heels.

The reasons why Yzerman is deserving of this honor are endless.   The smile and the sexy crow’s-feet are enough to do us in.  But there is just more to this man than that…

• He played his ENTIRE 23 year career with the Detroit Red Wings.

(Pretty sure that guy in the locker next to him is naked…)

• He was named captain of the Red Wings in 1986 at the age of 21 and wore the “C” for over 1,300 games.  He is the longest-serving captain of any team in North American major league sports history.  Now if that doesn’t say something about how people feel about this man, then I don’t know what does.

• 3 Stanley Cups.
• Winner of the Pearson Award, Conn Smythe, the Selke, Lester Patrick, and the Masterson Trophy.
• 10-time NHL All-Star.

• His #19 jersey was retired in 2007.  As an additional honor the captain’s “C” was added to the corner of his banner to forever commemorate him as “The Captain”.
• 6th in NHL history in points, 8th in goals, and 7th in assists.
• 1, 514 games played. 692 goals. 1,063 assists. 1, 755 points.  924 minutes of shame.
• He was inducted into the NHL Hall of Fame in 2009, in his 1st year of eligibility.  Also inducted into the Ottawa Sports Hall of Fame, Canada’s Sports Hall of Fame and Michigan Sports Hall of Fame.

In 2004, Yzerman was hit in the eye by a deflected slapshot.  His orbital bone was broken and his cornea was scratched.

My father broke his orbital bone once.  It was pretty gnarly.  But not nearly as gnarly as Yzerman’s injury.

I can’t post the photo here for fear of grossing everyone but you can easily find it on the interwebs.  Beware – it is TERRIFYING.   And strangely sexy.

After his NHL career ended, Yzerman joined the front office for the Red Wings and is now the GM for the Tampa Bay Lightning.  He was instrumental in TB’s continued improvement and for re-signing Steve Stamkos.

We also like to think of him as Stamkos’ sage mentor.

We picture them standing in at center ice in a darkened arena, contemplating life, career, and the future of the Lightning.

It’s all very Mr. Miaygi/Daniel-san.

I think you get the point.

Steve Yzerman is awesome.  Awesome and FOXY to the max.

 P.S.  I just had to post this photo.  Because it makes me laugh.

Monday I said, “Can we get an off-season photo of Steven Stamkos?”  If he started wearing a ponytail for the summer, I want get my crying out of the way before workout videos start to pop up.

Today, VOILA.

This video of Steven accepting an award for being Steven-tastic not only includes him talking on a child’s plastic telephone and being chased around a Christmas tree by a toddler in a pillow fight, but also HE CUT HIS HAIR.

YAAAYY…WAIT.  I’m not sure we’re going on by his ear – can someone just push his hair back there?  With the super-high collar, this look is a little too “nervous religious-affiliated high school graduation”  for me.  Is it too short?  Too vanilla?

Uh oh, I kinda miss the long hair!  Just a little flow, like this:

Nothing crazy, like when he was working weekends pumping gas for gator trawlers in the Everglades:

No?  I’m just used to looking through 3D glasses and now the world seems all flat and ordinary?  This was really the best:

Can you argue with advertising campaigns?

I hate to start asking already if it’s October yet… I’ll try to hold off.  Stammer was having a shoulder issue late in the season, and says it’s feeling better after a month off [link].  He’ll be in Vegas for the NHL Awards, accepting the Rocket Richard trophy for his 60-goal performance and as a nominee for the Hart Trophy.  There’s a negative-seven percent chance he’ll have any kind of tan, so pack your sunglasses.

This is what happens in summer, y’all: style consultations and gratuitous cross-sports graphics.